Nov 18, 2007 - 11:29 pm
So I feel kind of petty posting this when so many people are still actually dealing with cancer, but I was hoping some of you might be able to provide me with some insight on my situation.
I was diagnosed with ALL when I was 17 just before my Senior year of high school and I reacted well to the chemo treatments, all things considered. There was probably only one instance in the 2.5 years that I had treatment where I was close to death. However, my inability to deal with what was happening to me led to a very serious viocdin addiction, where at my worst I went through 120 pills in about 48 hours.
Long story short, I'm now cancer free for 2.5 years, and its been just over 5 years sine my initial diagnosis; I'm back in school and I have my life together for the first time in while.
The thing is, now I feel like I'm going through a midlife crisis of sorts. I keep thinking about an article I read shortly after I was diagnosed that said 60% of people with my type of cancer die within 5 years. My odds where never that bad, but I keep thinking about that article and also a young man I met in the hospital who was around my age and who died, even though his odds were really good to begin with, just like mine. I've been feeling like I need to do something great with my life to justify my survival, but I wouldn't really classify my feelings as survivor guilt, because I don't feel guilty about anything, its just that these past experiences have been motivating me a lot more than they have in the past. I've been trying all these new things, some small and some big, I quit my job even though they offered me more money and promotion, i just want to get out and experience things and try to make a mark in the world.
I never felt like this in the first 2.5 years after my treatment ended, and I'm just curious if anyone else has had a similar experience.