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trying to cope with losing Mom

swalsh
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2004

It has been a little over 1 year since I lost my Mom. She was my best friend in the world. She was diagnosed in Jan. with gall bladder cancer, only after the removal of her gall bladder due to gall stones. She passed away in Aug. The doctors said that there were no signs of cancer anywhere else and kept giving us all kinds of false hope. They also wanted to do "preventive treatment" just in case there was something they were missing. We took her to 3 different hospitals and 2 out of 3 gave us the same info. Gall bladder cancer is really rare, and there is not much known about how to treat it. So my Mom went into treatment. I watched her lose a lot of weight. I watched her become more dependent on me, my brother and Dad. I watched this once strong, independent woman become very fraile and almost childlike. I haven't really been able to talk about my Mom's passing until recently. It's felt like a nightmare to me and I would just rather not think about it. She passed away the day before her and my Dad's 30th wedding anniversary. I was only 25 when she died. I just feel really alone even though I have a wonderful family support system, my life is just different now. I don't want to talk to them because I don't want to bring them down. Is there anyone who could shed a little light on coping with such a tremendous loss? I would appreciate it.

Fatboy
Posts: 25
Joined: Mar 2004

Oh, sweetheart, I have no idea what you are going thru but my heart goes out to you! Losing a loved one, especially your mother has to be devasting. Please come in CSN chat room, there are many people who can help, listen, make you laugh, make you cry. They have helped me. Again, my deepest sympathy for your lost.

law
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2004

Your story sounds so similar to mine. I have a very close family as well, Dad & my older brother. I am young too (27 when my mom died) Christmas 2002. Mom & I were best friends as well, went shopping every Saturday. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. There probably isn't much worse of a loss, other than losing a child. I know what you are going through. I couldn't talk about it for a long while without losing it and I couldn't even talk to my family b/c they were too upset too & I didn't want to make it worse. I even resorted to drinking a lot to try to make myself feel better. (Don't let yourself do this, you'll pay for it later & I don't mean with a hangover!) I can tell you that time helps, It just gets better day by day. Eventually you will be able to think of your mom & remember all the fun stuff instead of the bad sick days. You are going to hurt and feel hollow for a good while but just talk to her in your mind and try to hear her replies-to yourself of course (or your co-workers may have you committed!) I always try to think of what funny little comments she would have made and it makes me feel like she is still here.

I am here to talk to you anytime you need to. Just drop me a note. Sorry if I rambled...

yellerjeeper
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2004

Hi. I just lost my dad to adrenocortical cancer 8 days ago, on Oct 4. He was 50 years old and he and my mom had just celebrated 28 years at the end of August. I am 24 and my sister is 22. I understand the devastation you experienced when you lost your mom. My family has always been very close-knit. My dad was my hero my whole life and I'm still completely numb over losing him. He was diagnosed with a tumor on July 7, cancer on August 6 after/during surgery, and 8 weeks later was gone. Prior to surgery he was a seemingly perfectly healthy guy who spent every free moment on his horses or his motorcycle. His speedy decline left all our heads spinning. I guess the stuff that's made it easier to deal with is being able to spend a lot of time with the horses. That was something we did together, so being with them now is my way of still connecting with my dad. Every time I walk into the stables I feel my dad with me. My dad's best friend told me the day my dad died that it would help me to find a place I could go to reconnect with my dad. The barn does that for me and even though it's only been 8 days, I'm doing much better than I ever expected. I think it's important to give yourself lots of opportunities to 'feel' your loved one rather than focus on the fact that you will never see them again.

Don't get me wrong, every time I think of my dad's last months I am infuriated. The cancer he had is a 1 in 2,000,000 deal. The American Cancer Society does not even fund research for it. When I think about how miserable he was at the end and the fact that he had to suffer at all, I just have to make my mind go somewhere else. Maybe it's an avoidance technique, but it's working for me right now. My dad wouldn't have wanted me to be continuously sad. We shed enough tears together while he was dying.

What you said about your life being different now... I only have 8 days experience with that, but you're so right. Things will never be the same. I'm getting a taste of that. My mom is actually talking about going out of state for Christmas and Thanksgiving...something we've never contemplated since almost our entire family lives in the same area.

I know I'm probably giving you more info than you wanted, but I just want you to know you are not alone in your coping. Also, I'm on this board to find people my age who are dealing with the loss of a parent. I hope I haven't bored you too much. Peace, Jenny.

swalder
Posts: 4
Joined: Oct 2004

I lost my mom in March. I watched a very strong woman whom I loved and cherished diminish into a very weak, dependent lady. I am never going to forget watching her go. I miss her and still cry for her everyday. I have found there are friends who want to fix me, tell me to cheer up. I don't want to cheer up, I want to scream and cry and get mom back. I totally understand your pain and I also know that time does get a little better. They say when you are a caregiver, your grief is postponed because at first you are just relieved that your loved one is no longer suffering. The pain hits when you realize the magnitude of your loss. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it did to me. And then you have to deal with the fact that people think you should be "over" it. No one understands that you don't just get over it. It takes time, and lots of it for you to adjust to your life after losing someone so significant. I know you are only 25, I am 40 and that is too soon to lose a mom. I can't even imagine life without her at that young of an age. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find those people who can help you. They don't want to fix you, they want to listen to you. Please find those people. They really help. I am still searching for my safe person, sometimes I think I have found them and then they stop being safe by trying to cheer me up. These people need to understand your loss, not minimize it. I hope this helps in some way for you to understand it is totally ok to still be feeling this way. You have to express your grief to get past it. Remember that, if you hold it in, it will never be expressed. You are in my prayers, dear. Hold tight and let your tears go.
Sonja

chua_5
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2004

I never want to tell anyone that I understand what they're going through because everyone's circumstances are different, so I'll just say I can relate. I'm 25 and I lost my mom 6 months ago to osteosarcoma. It was just around this time last year that she was diagnosed. Yes it has thrown my life so out of whack. I don't like to show my family my emotion either for the same reason as you (i think we all don't). I've just been taking it day by day. I think that's the best we can do. Sometimes I wonder when the day will come when I feel better, but I guess that's not for me to know right now. Just don't avoid living your life. Take the time you need to heal. That's all the advice I know so far. I'm still new too.

abrzez
Posts: 2
Joined: Nov 2006

I can completely sympathize with you on losing a mother. And I know how it is to feel alone. My mom and my best friend, my confidante, contracted leukemia in the summer before my sophomore year of high school. She fought 3 hard months, but in the end, even my eloquent, strong mother couldn't defeat the disease. It was horrible, too, every single day that I watched her in her diminishing state. When a writer/editor can't form a sentence or make sense, you know something is terribly wrong. In the last week or so of her life, she was on life support in the ICU, on a breathing tube, which I think was one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen, but by far, the last 45 minutes of her life, when they finally took her off life support are the images that are forever burned in my memory, and haunt me to this day.
I was only 15 when she passed away. 2 years later - I'm 17 now, a senior in high school, I'm applying to colleges, and graduating in this coming year, all without her.
And to top it all off, my dad, who I've never really had a real relationship with and this crisis hasn't changed that fact, is getting remarried at the end of this year. I'm pretty much on my own, and the whole thing has just been such a strain on me emotionally.
Anyone else out there that would want to chat?

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

I am a dying mom and I just wanted to give you a mom's perspective. We have a beautiful baby, we thank God for him or her or them and then, we spend every moment of the rest of lives trying to show you all of the love that we feel for you in our hearts. So, we find routines that soothe you, say words that are meant only for you and hope when we have to leave you that some of the love and care that we have given you will get you through the hard parts. I have told my children that they are a part of me and I am a part of them and we will never really be apart; I know that your mom wants you to remember her deep, unending love for you. You're the reason she got up so many mornings, you're the reason she felt so blessed, you're the reason she existed, in her mind and heart. Try to remember her smile, her laugh, that special time you had together; those were the best gifts she could give you! I know, because I have to say goodbye to my kids and all that I have to give of real importance is my love, our memories and I will then watch over them everyday until I can see them again.Don't doubt that she is watching over you right now, as proud of you as she's ever been!! Love like that does not ever end and remember when she told you that she would always love you, she meant it- that is eternal.
So much love and care to you,
Hollyberry

karaandcarsonsmommy
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2009

I am 22 years old and I just lost my mom on January 2nd, 2009 from Leukemia. Her whole life revolved around ACS and Relay for Life. She was my absolute best friend and my whole world. Reading your post reminds me that even though I watched my mom die, she watched us watch her die. I can't imagine how hard it is to have to leave your family. She's had cancer for 15 years and passed just 11 days after her 41st birthday. Your family is in my prayers and miracles CAN happen! GOD BLESS and I know your post was a reply to the other post, but it hit me really hard. I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old and I couldn't imagine having to say goodbye. Thank you so much for your words. They REALLY helped!

kara&carsonsmommy

membermeg's picture
membermeg
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

thank you for your words thank you for taking time our of your life to help those who have lost mothers/fathers already. I do not know you, but your words remind me of something my mother would say. She has been gone only 3 months and you just blessed me in a way words cannot express. God bless you and I will pray for you and your family. God does not make mistakes and that is what I am trying to remember. For you to take time out to help others in pain is one of the most caring things a person can do for one another. May God bless you and your family.

peachieangel
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2009

My mom died with cancer that had spread to her lungs, when i was just 9 years old and she was only 30. This friday it will be 8 years since she died and I am stil finding it very difficult to cope with the thought of the future. I never knew she was dying, only that she was sick and I never got to tell her just how much she meant to me. I have been through many birthdays, and many other events without her and it still hurts so much that she isnt here to share them. Its difficult to think that she wont be here in 9 months time when i graduate, or at my wedding, or to advise me through having my own children but i know that on all of these occasions she will be with me in a different way. The advice i can give is the same as others here.. dont try to let go but dont dwell on the hard times either. Never forget her smile or her laugh, the good times you shared because as time passes those things will count more and more.
I never got to know my mom, never had the chance to appreciate the strong beautiful person that she was or acknowledge just how much she loved me, so cherish the thought that you knew your mom for as long as you did.

allison731's picture
allison731
Posts: 21
Joined: Oct 2009

I lost my mom last July of 2009, so it is still very raw to me. I took care of my mom for two years before she went off to heaven and I am currently only 17. I was 14 when my mom was diagnosed and she passed away two weeks before my sevententh birthday. Her cancer came from an unknown source, which gives me zero closure. What hurts the most was getting so close to her only to lose her. Like you, I feel very alone because I am the type of person to not bring anyone down with my own feelings. I am so sorry that we have such an awful thing in common, but it's what gets us through our hard days. Hope you are doing well.

membermeg's picture
membermeg
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

My mother has been gone for 3 and half months and I am lost without my mother. She too was my best friend. I feel like nothing will ever be the same and I know my life will be different. I too have a wonderful support system. My parents were married for 31 years and I have 2 brothers. I was married only months before my mom passed. She was my best friend and I was not able to make that change from telling my mom everything to telling my husband everything. It has been a challenge. I cry every single night until I throw up. It is just so hard. I know she is in Heaven and I will see her again. But I miss her so much. It is hard for me to look foward to the future when I know she will not physically be here, and be able to enjoy her first grandchildren, or her youngest son marry. It just does not seem fair. But life is not fair, and my mother never asked God why her, so I try not to ask God why me? Our mothers are smiling down on us and we will grieve and cry but we must know they would want us to make the best of what is left of our lives. They need us to carry their legacy and their morals. I see more and more of my mother in me as the days go on. It makes me bawl and smile and laugh at the same time. I will never forget my mother and for right now I cry every single night and what tomorrow holds we do not know. I would do anything to have one more hug or kiss from my mother!!!! I want you to know that you can talk to me anytime you want. We can encourgage one another and just know that you are not alone. There are other only daughters, or daughters, who are too hurting tremendously and we can only help one another get through this trial, which has been the hardest trial in my life by FAR!

ilovemymum
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2010

On the 25th march 2010, my life ended, the most important person in my life lost her battle with breast cancer and was taken with the angels, my mum, ages 37 and im 15, we are best friends, there is no one that could ever compare to my mum, i dont think the reality has hit yet, i actually had a pain in my heart when i saw her take her last breathe, right at that moment i wanted to kill myself, my heart has been ripped out, and will never be replaced. i miss my mum so unbelievably much, words cannot even describe it and i honestly cant think how im going to live my whole life without her, we had so many plans for the future, and my beautiful angel was so excited to see me get married one day, to meet her grand children, to plan my sweet 16 with me next year, to go on holidays together, and do absolutely everything together, i also have a brother aged 16 who was extrememly close to my mum, he hides a lot but i can see in his eyes that he is heart broken. it was only ever us three against the world, weve always done everything together and got on with things no matter how hard it can be. my mum had extremely aggressive breast cancer which ended up spreading near enough everywhere, lungs, back, stomach, bones, blood. The cancer had returned into my mums breast twice and once her breast were removed it then returned for the third time in less than a year but the last time was on her breast bone instead, my mum only had cancer for 10 months and sadly she lost her battle, her funeral is tuesday 13th april, i am dreading it, because i know thats the closing point, i can never ever see my mum again until i die and meet her again which i cant wait for.At the moment i have been feeling a lot of peace and i ask my mum for signs and she sends me them so i know she is okay. Im just worried that all of a sudden it will hit me hard. Mum you will always be my bestest friend, soul mate and the bestest mum ever! i love you soo much words were never able to describe. rest in peace my angel xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
+ sorry to hear about all of your losses:(

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. It is hard to lose a parent at any age. I can only imagine the heartache you feel at your age. Please, remember that wherever you are your mother will be there, too. You are her legacy, and I am sure that she is very proud of you. It is important to grieve and grief is very hard to work through. You will especially feel it on special days. One friend of mi e said wouldn't it be sad I'd we lost someone we loved and didn't hurt. Hurting is unfortunately a part of losing someone we love. Now you need to move forward. It won't be easy, but that is what our mother would want. It won't be easy, but your mother raised a strong young women. Hold tight to your brother, and keep your mom alive in your heart. Fay

ninpucca's picture
ninpucca
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2010

Hello, well, I feel so sad to know that this thread has had so many replies with so many moms out there dying of cancer... My mom died a month ago, she had breast cancer, the doctors removed the whole breast and said that she was fine, 2 years later they found cancer on her left lung, a metastasis of the breast cancer, a month later she got bone cancer and a month later.. she died. I was fortunate enough to be the one who took care of her, I have 3 other sisters, but I was the one who was still living with her, I am so thankful that I was able to take care of her the last days of her life and that I was able to be there for her, she was so thankful with me and I would always respond with "after everything you've done for me, this is the least I can give you". I like to think that she can still hear me and I talk to her all the time, but I am not sure if she is really here. This has been shocking and, as sick as this may sound, it is kind if a comfort to know that this happens to other people and not just me, I really hope that God can give you all peace, as well as me and my broken heart, this hurts so much that will make us all stronger. God bless.

mandifred
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2010

My mom passed away about 2 months ago. She had lung cancer. She was diagnosed on 12/29/2009 and died on 7/16/2010. She was 65 years old. My best friend.. one of the strongest, most caring & genuine women I have ever had the honor of knowing. She was married to my father for 42 years. My brother is 41, my sister, 40, and I am 26. What started out with shortness of breath turned into several masses in her right lung. She completed 6 chemo treatments.. lost her hair, her appetite.. We had hope in March, her masses were shrinking.. but in June we were told the cancer had built up a resistance to the chemo, and the masses remained. She went through 2 radio-isotope injections. On Friday, July 9th, she was taken to the ER with severe stomach pain. She had a ruptured bowel.. and the cancer had spread throughout. I live about 4 hours across the state from my family, and my dad called me to tell me to come home immediately as we were being prepared to make my mom as comfortable as possible. I sat in the hospital all week. I watched her go from awake & alert & talking & laughing to asleep & gurgling. Hospice can tell you what to prepare for.. but you're never prepared. The one night I left the hospital to sleep at my sister-in-laws, Friday, July 16th, she passed away. Not even 30 minutes after I had left. I miss her everyday. I cry everyday. I feel like a zombie walking around at work and at home. All of the things I do feel meaningless. I have such a hollowness inside of me. I'm getting married in a year.. and I have to do it without her. I feel so much resentment because my brother & sister got so much more of her than I did. She was just the nicest person. So good to everyone, especially the needy. She genuinely cared for so many people. I have good days & bad days. I, like alot of other people on here, shelter my feelings from my family so I don't make them more upset. My sister & I really kind of lean on each other. When one of us is having a bad day, we go to each other because we don't want to upset Dad. Reading discussion boards like this gives me a little comfort because I know I am not alone in what I have been through and what I am feeling. I really want to believe that with time this will get easier and I will be able to remember her before the cancer, before the hospital gowns, before all the medication... I want to remember her for who she was, not what she died of.
Caring Bridge is a great way to honor a lost loved one - www.caringbridge.org - I had a website up for my Mom so I could keep everyone updated on her health easily. Since she passed, I have made it into a tribute page for people to view & look at pictures of her, leave stories & memories about her in her guestbook, etc. I cry when I look at it.. but it does remind me just how beautiful she truly was. Inside & out. No cancer can every destroy that.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I can relate to how you feel. I lost my mom right before Christmas in 1989. She had pancreatic cancer and died within 2 months. Right after Christmas in 1990, my dad passed away. He had lung & bladder cancer. I've hated Christmas ever since and have to force myself to make it through the holiday season every year. Me & my mom were very close. I talked to her every day and wish I could just talk to her now. My husband of 46 years passed away this past March. He had lung cancer and had a very "RARE" side effect from one of the chemos called Avastin. he was only diagnosed in January, so it was very traumatic for me. I'm just being able to talk about it. And have finally started doing things other than staying in the house.
Remember all the happy times with your mom and it will get easier. There is a saying, that "parents are the wheels" and the kids are the spokes. It's hard to go on without the "wheels". Hang in there! Hope I helped you a little. "Carole"

RamonasSon's picture
RamonasSon
Posts: 1
Joined: May 2011

I lost my mother on 01-01-11, like Swalsh she was diagnosed with gall bladder cancer after the gall bladder was removed. Diagnosed in July 2010, up and down, no cancer then cancer, lympnodes, metasticised, 2 hospitals, chemo, port. A month from thier 35th anniverssary. I watched her the same as you, I went home three times in that period from Chicago to Texas, spending weeks at a time. She was the beacon of all of her five boys lives and the nighmare lingured. The worst part was the end, I made it by her side to talk with her one last time. Death I have seen plenty of, nothing prepares you for losing someone so treasured and close. I can feel eveyones pain in the softest parts of my hardened heart. Today was the first time I dreamed of her, while having a nap, I dreamed of her beautiful face as if she was here. I was talking to her, knowing she died, and she was picking fun at me, everyone in my dream (dad, brothers, wife) were asking me what's wrong and I screamed I don't want her to die and she laughed saying she wasn't.....I get up eyes full of tears, walk to the computer and google my mom died, up comes your post, I am greatful for yours and the others but especially the one written from hollyberry, the mother who was dying of cancer who gave us all the gift of a Mothers perspective, sounded like something my mom would say, what a selfless blessing...

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

RamonasSon, I am very sorry for the loss of your Mom. You always hope that your parents will somehow live forever. And thanks for mentioning about hollyberry's message. If not for your posting, I would have never seen it. Take care and I hope you are well and are healing.

tanker sgv's picture
tanker sgv
Posts: 128
Joined: Nov 2010

Our mother's are our cheerleaders, they cheer for us no matter what! That's what has been so hard, I have lost my cheerleader. So many of these post connected with me. My mom died in November and I was her 24/7caregiver. He death has just hit me lately. I want the pain to stop and I want the relief back. I had a dream of her beautiful face glowing with happiness just laughing away. I know she was telling me she's happy now. She is with my dad and they are with Thier parents. After that dream of her I guess it hit me I will never feel her warmth again even when she was screaming in pain unable to talk I would hold her and she would wind up holding me in the end, just being a mom forgetting her own pain because her baby boy was crying. I'm 27 but she always made me feel Like I was a little kid bringing home straight A's. I'm no saint I'm tattooed head to toe and a record. But no matter what she always believed in me. I WANT MY CHEERLEADER BACK. To all the mom's out there thank-you, THANK U, for the love you have given us. Hollyberry your words brought me to tears, matter of fact I haven't stopped crying this whole time. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, ALL YOU MOMS OUT THERE ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ANGELS TO WALK THIS EARTH♥

margaretmary253
Posts: 4
Joined: Jul 2011

I just lost my Mom on May 29. She had gall stones and was admitted to emergency on Feb. 4th with jaundice. They said they would remove the gall blatter in the next couple of days and we were not worried, it's so routine. I met her at the ER after work and we goofed off and joked around. My sister met with us and we waited and went with her to the room she'd be staying in. My Mom never left the hospital. She had stints put in the bile duct a few days later because the stones were large and blocking flow. That procedure caused severe pancreatitis. My poor Mom suffered so many complications the 4 months she was hospitalized. They were sure there was no cancer, they ran so many tests. But, as I am sure you are well aware, gall blatter cancer is rare and difficult to detect. I knew nothing about it until very recently. She had IVs for nutrition in those 4 months, she was so strong though. I held on to hope she would get stable enough for surgery and be ok. But the surgeon did not want to do surgery for fear of her being too weak passing. Her liver, pancreas and ducts were too swollen to attaempt anything. Her condition was so up and down. She would be doing so awful and then she would bounce back and we would think "Finally. She's going to keep improving now and we can get this over with and take her home." Then she would fall back again to even worse then the last time. Eventually, after 4 months of this, there was no other option and she was transferred to a better staffed hospital. Her surgeon knew a good surgeon there and seemed confident she would be ok. She got there on Thurs, they tried one last procedure Friday, she went into critical condition Saturday morning and they scheduled an emergency surgery. Her blood pressure was so low they had her on meds to bring it up enough for the surgery. The surgeon sat us down 1st and explained that she may not make it through. Even if she survives the surgery, she may die in the weeks following. She has septic shock and was so sick they didn't seem too hopeful. I told my sister "If Mom dies today there is no God!" I cried and cried like never before. Finally, the surgeons called on us to meet them and let us know that they found stage 4 cancer in her gall blatter and it had spread to her abdomen and they estimated she would have 2-4 weeks left to live if she made it through the surgery and recovery process. They left the choice to us: do all they can to keep her alive or take her off of the BP meds and let her go peacefully then and there. We couldn't let her wake in all that pain just to say, "You have cancer, Mom. You only have a couple weeks." So we let her go. I have been fighting with God for a few weeks now. I am coming to terms slowly. It's only been a little over a month. My heart is still in bad shape. I know I am not myself. Losing Mom does something to you. My sister reminded me that we had 4 months where we visit with her everyday telling her we love her and spending time with her and that we should be grateful to God for that time. And she's right. It's just so unfair. I, too, just dreamt of my Mom for the 1st time last nigt and she was so happy. When I read your post I was shocked because it sounded so similar to mine. I was laughing and so happy with her. She was joking with me and I felt like a little kid (I'm 33) I was so happy to be with her. Suddenly, I realized she was passed and I started crying so hard and she was right there, comforting me. I am truly sorry for your loss. This pain is so impossible to describe. I try to act ok at work, afraid to express my sadness openly because I don't want to come off as a drama queen. I, like just about every single person on here, don't want to bring it up to my siblings because I am afraid of making them upset and ultimaitely causing them to avoid me because I need them so much right now. She was so strong. She tried so hard to get better, do her execises in her hospital bed when she had the energy. I just can't get the memories switched over to happier times yet for some reason. I am trying to be strong because I know my Mom would tell me to be strong. It's hard. It's always been just my Mom and us. She was our rock. Sorry for the novel, but reading your post opened the flood gates. I know they are still with us. Some days I have so many signs and the next my mind goes back to hopelessness. All part of the process I guess. I am glad we got our dreams, I have asked for one from the beginning, just so I could see her again and know she is ok. God bless you and help you through this process. And thank you for sharing your post, it helped me today. All of the posts that I have read here have been a comfort somehow. My heart goes out to each and everyone. Take care.

margaretmary253
Posts: 4
Joined: Jul 2011

I just lost my Mom on May 29. She had gall stones and was admitted to emergency on Feb. 4th with jaundice. They said they would remove the gall blatter in the next couple of days and we were not worried, it's so routine. I met her at the ER after work and we goofed off and joked around. My sister met with us and we waited and went with her to the room she'd be staying in. My Mom never left the hospital. She had stints put in the bile duct a few days later because the stones were large and blocking flow. That procedure caused severe pancreatitis. My poor Mom suffered so many complications the 4 months she was hospitalized. They were sure there was no cancer, they ran so many tests. But, as I am sure you are well aware, gall blatter cancer is rare and difficult to detect. I knew nothing about it until very recently. She had IVs for nutrition in those 4 months, she was so strong though. I held on to hope she would get stable enough for surgery and be ok. But the surgeon did not want to do surgery for fear of her being too weak passing. Her liver, pancreas and ducts were too swollen to attaempt anything. Her condition was so up and down. She would be doing so awful and then she would bounce back and we would think "Finally. She's going to keep improving now and we can get this over with and take her home." Then she would fall back again to even worse then the last time. Eventually, after 4 months of this, there was no other option and she was transferred to a better staffed hospital. Her surgeon knew a good surgeon there and seemed confident she would be ok. She got there on Thurs, they tried one last procedure Friday, she went into critical condition Saturday morning and they scheduled an emergency surgery. Her blood pressure was so low they had her on meds to bring it up enough for the surgery. The surgeon sat us down 1st and explained that she may not make it through. Even if she survives the surgery, she may die in the weeks following. She has septic shock and was so sick they didn't seem too hopeful. I told my sister "If Mom dies today there is no God!" I cried and cried like never before. Finally, the surgeons called on us to meet them and let us know that they found stage 4 cancer in her gall blatter and it had spread to her abdomen and they estimated she would have 2-4 weeks left to live if she made it through the surgery and recovery process. They left the choice to us: do all they can to keep her alive or take her off of the BP meds and let her go peacefully then and there. We couldn't let her wake in all that pain just to say, "You have cancer, Mom. You only have a couple weeks." So we let her go. I have been fighting with God for a few weeks now. I am coming to terms slowly. It's only been a little over a month. My heart is still in bad shape. I know I am not myself. Losing Mom does something to you. My sister reminded me that we had 4 months where we visit with her everyday telling her we love her and spending time with her and that we should be grateful to God for that time. And she's right. It's just so unfair. I, too, just dreamt of my Mom for the 1st time last nigt and she was so happy. When I read your post I was shocked because it sounded so similar to mine. I was laughing and so happy with her. She was joking with me and I felt like a little kid (I'm 33) I was so happy to be with her. Suddenly, I realized she was passed and I started crying so hard and she was right there, comforting me. I am truly sorry for your loss. This pain is so impossible to describe. I try to act ok at work, afraid to express my sadness openly because I don't want to come off as a drama queen. I, like just about every single person on here, don't want to bring it up to my siblings because I am afraid of making them upset and ultimaitely causing them to avoid me because I need them so much right now. She was so strong. She tried so hard to get better, do her execises in her hospital bed when she had the energy. I just can't get the memories switched over to happier times yet for some reason. I am trying to be strong because I know my Mom would tell me to be strong. It's hard. It's always been just my Mom and us. She was our rock. Sorry for the novel, but reading your post opened the flood gates. I know they are still with us. Some days I have so many signs and the next my mind goes back to hopelessness. All part of the process I guess. I am glad we got our dreams, I have asked for one from the beginning, just so I could see her again and know she is ok. God bless you and help you through this process. And thank you for sharing your post, it helped me today. All of the posts that I have read here have been a comfort somehow. My heart goes out to each and everyone. Take care.

angel mary
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2011

My mum passed away in May.I ws her primary care giver.went for al chemo session n radiation wud her.she stayed with me.when she was diagnosed last year I left work to be home with her.she had her last round of chemo in feb and doc z she ws fyn.I neva allowd ny1 to care for her cos I neva trustd dem.I felt I ws da only 1 who cud care for mummy properly to such an extent that she became "my child".In da year dat she ws diagnosed if I had to go anywhere she would be left with my sisters-but I would phone dem jus to check on her.
I watched what da cancer did to her n sugar coated da stuff for my sisters.I wanted to spare dem da pain.
My mum was da glue that held us togeta.she ws al about love and forgiveness.helped others selflessly without a complaint.she was strong and independant.
And then wen she ws struck down-i had to carry her around n bath her n feed her.N it broke me.bt I cudnt let it show cos I took care of her n she ws sensitive to our feelings.

And nw I'm standing here with a dress of hers in my hand so I cn smel her and feel her.I don't no ow to go on.I smile on top only wen I realy av to cos ppl expect dat.wen al I wna do is scream n cry.
Does it get beta wen ur only memory is of dat helpless woman she became.I miss my mummy n wud do anytin to hav her back!!!!!!!!

SandeeKav
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2011

Wow, these posts really brought tears to my eyes. I too lost my mom/best friend after a short but painful struggle with lung cancer. During this struggle my father passed away suddenly and I was left to be the only caregiver for her. Within 6 weeks and 6 days, I lost both of my parents...my best friends. Although I am married and have children of my own, I am heartbroken. It has been three weeks since mom passed and 10 weeks for dad. I cannot believe how fast this disease took her. My father also suffered from esophageal cancer for 4 1/2 years, but he was doing great! I think the stress of caring for mom got the best of him. It is so sad to see the people you love the most pass away. I was there with both them in the end, but this is not really solace for me as I just hurt so much. I hope the pain gets better...help!

Noellesmom
Posts: 1306
Joined: Aug 2010

Although it will not seem so to you right now, Sandee. Right now, time only seems to echo your grief and you feel its resonance.

Yours was a unique struggle in a few aspects but it shares the commonality of loss many people are feeling.

You must be sure to take care of yourself and get help which you very well may need. See your family physician and tell her everything you have been through; find a grief support group, a best friend to help you through this, a church which will support you - or all of these things, if possible.

Time will help but there will always be pain associated with loss. Your parents were suffering: they are not now and it is not necessary nor desirable that you suffer in their place.

Get any and all help you need. You deserve it and you should have it.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.

margaretmary253
Posts: 4
Joined: Jul 2011

Your parents were suffering: they are not now and it is not necessary nor desirable that you suffer in their place

So well said and so true. It is hard enough to lose 1 parent. I could never imagine losing both in so short a time span. I really do hope you find someone or some place to help you through such a difficult process as I am sure such a loss could easily overwhelm anybody. And remember they are together and their pain and suffering has ended. God bless you.

SandeeKav
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2011

To those who wrote to me, thank you. I am slowly healing, although only a couple of days have gone by when I have not cried in the time since both of my parents passed. I am a teacher and having the summer off is a blessing and a curse. I had time to clean out the house (by myself as my brother lives 1000 miles away), plan a service to bury them together and work on the estate business. However the curse is the idle time that I have: I relive the final days/weeks/hours I had with them...I have not reached out to bereavement groups but I speak with my parents sometimes and wear Mom's jewelry and clothing which gives me comfort and keeps them both close. I will admit it has gotten a little better. I am almost to the point of stopping the counting by weeks and will now move on to month counting..The denial/disbelief still seeps into my life (mom was only 67, dad 76), as they were sooo active (dad still worked), and I still cannot believe they are gone. But I am trying to gain some weight back and make myself happy with a little retail therapy, spending time with my college age kids and husband. I hope they are at peace and I sincerely hope I reach that peace for myself...
Thank you all!!! God Bless.

jangram1
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2011

I lost my daughter who was only 50yrs old and who had already suffered a heart attack at 48 and survived that, then also had to pass a large kidney stone that needed to be blasted and then while healing from that she was diagnose with breast cancer. The doctor suggested she only needed a lumpectomy and he didn't even remove all of the lump during that. With a month her breast cancer has escalated and was then discovered to be a highly aggressive form of breast cancer and even after having a radical mastectomy it had already matastesized into bone cancer that had already spread to her liver and lungs. This bagan in fall of 2009 by July 1st of 2011 she died a very horrible death. She passed as I held her hand. She had suffered a fall while in the hospital to have blood transfusion that caused a hematoma and that is what the ME said she died from. We in the family who consisted of both of her brothers and son were here, have such horrid memories of her pain and agony before she died. I live in the house she passed in and everyday I am reminded of all that horror. Does anyone have words of wisdom to help a mother get past a daughters painful dying?

margaretmary253
Posts: 4
Joined: Jul 2011

As a Mom of a young daughter I can't imagine what you went through. But I do know that if I could choose who is there with me in my final hours, it would be my Mom. And you were there for your daughter which was a great comfort. No matter how old we are, we always need our Moms, especially in the hardest of times and you were there. She had you so take comfort that you were a tremendous comfort to your her. I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you.

kevinfdn
Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2011

I lost my mother last year on October 12, 2010. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008. Her last week and a half was spent in the ICU on a respirator keeping her alive after a surgery. During the last 6 months of her life she had done a fine job of convincing us she was okay. She was doing everything any normal person would do: grocery shop, take care of the finances, do chores around the house, etc. All the while I was preparing to enter Texas A&M University's engineering department that fall. I had to drop out after she passed away to return home and consolidate her estate. I tried to go back the next Spring (2011), but found myself too depressed in class and ended up skipping, staying in my apartment and getting so dosed up on drugs that I couldn't move. It was the next best thing to suicide - to be out of my mind and in another world, so much that I sometimes would forget who she was. Now I'm in another city attending college and was recently laid off. I'm an only child and my parents have been divorced since I was 1 year 1 week old, and to this day my father has never supported me with anything. He wouldn't even let me live with him when my mother passed away. I'm on my own, and sometimes it just sucks. I've been prodigious about managing my finances without Mom, but can't say it's gotten easier having been laid off recently. The light at the end of the tunnel is that we only get one chance at life, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Just do what makes you happy. If people want to judge you, let them. As far as I'm concerned, everyone at my mother's funeral (and there were lots of them) who probably asked the person next to them "What is he going to do now that his mother's gone? He's all on his own and isn't even out of college." are getting their answer. I'm not on the streets, I still make good grades in college and have a place to live with a 2009 car paid off. Does this mean I'm happy? Not in the least bit. It's not good enough for me. I still strive to do what would honor my mother's wishes, and every day I find it impossible from the moment I step out of bed.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1306
Joined: Aug 2010

Kevin, your mom would be so proud to know that you are doing better now.

Happiness is relative. There is comfort for you in knowing you are doing well in school, are keeping your head above water financially (and I say a prayer your find another job soon - check to see if your school has a program that can help you there - the company I work for here in Alabama mentors the local engineering college with co-op jobs and more) and just keep on keeping on, Kevin.

I'm at least twice what I suspect your age to be and I lost my mom last May and it is still hard, even for me with grown children. I think if I were you what I would be missing is having others around to talk about my mom with with and even laugh at some of the things she said and did. I hope you can keep in touch with some of the people with whom you and your mom shared a relationship - maybe an aunt or uncle or cousin?

Hugs, Kevin. Bunches of hugs. You are doing just fine for where you are in this journey of grief and recovery.

manda_branka
Posts: 8
Joined: Dec 2011

my mum died on the 25.10.2011. technically she beat lymphoma. she got it in 2008 did 2chimos and 3 months later she got it back aggressivly they decided to do a bone narrow transplant and intensive radiation. transplant started 1st jube this yeah and she stayed in the hospital until she went. she had everything under the sun, GVHD, infections, mucasitis, liver damage etc and she more than once was close to death but she jumped out of it numerous times with the doctors surprised. my stepdad and I were her nurses. there everyday looking after her most of the time she couldnt get out of bed but she was amazing my mum such a strong lady and she was determined to live through it. the first bone narrow didnt take because she got too sick and she was at the state were she needed 2bags of platelets and 2bags of blood a day so they tried another round on the stem cells. she fought so hard and the second round fixed that and she was making her own blood, i was so positive that she would make it home because she deserved it she went through so much, before te cancer we just left my physically abusive dad and she met my stepdad and she was finally getting happy and she got struck with cancer.
a week before she died she was walking on the walker, eating normal food and the GVHD and everything was under control and the doctors finally said she would be able to go home in a couple days, obviously with us both at home taking care of her. but the day after the doctor said that she got toxic shock and she just crashed. she was in ICU for 5 days until me n my stepdad made the decision to take her off treatment and put her on jst morphine to make it comfortable. her cries of pain and her begging us to kill her still wake me up with cold sweats in the middle of the night. to watch someone so strong fall is just tragic. im 21 i have an older brother and sister but they were hardly there so they dont understand. i stayed overnight in iCU after we took her off treatment and it took her 3 days to go. to sleep on a chair those 3 nights and watch her blood pressure slowly go down and watch her lye ther like a vegetable gargle each breathe.
i am in histeric tears everynight i dont sleep i can hardly eat and not a secod goes by that i dont miss her like crazy i feel like my world is going to end i feel broken. i cant imagine getting married and having children without her being there. i cant imagine how it gets any better how i can move on. i can only picture her sick and helpless she was likethat for over 2years its difficult to picture her old healthy self
its so unfair. she went through 30years of beating she fought a rare aggressive lymphoma and she just dies of an infection (C dephicil) which we all can get rid of that easily but she just didnt have the strength anymore and the cancer already ate away at her.
everyone tries to helpyou the first few weeks but theydont understand that those weeks u r half numb and its the month or so after that hit you and thats when most people just leave u thinking the worst parts r over and they should b ok by now. i have no one who understands my pain.
i am at the stage where all i have is anger inside me i am just so angry that someone so amazig and strong never had a brake in her life she deserved a happy ending.

lifeisntfair
Posts: 3
Joined: Jan 2012

My mom just died this week and my life has changed forever. She had endometrial cancer and I found out less than 5 months ago. As I saw here health slowly deteriorate each month I kept praying she would make it into the new year at least. I spent many days in and out of the hospital, nights in the icu and then the hospice watching her suffering and having to be heavily medicated to remain comfortable. I miss her like crazy and Im only 22. Like you I cant imagine ever getting married now or having kids. I have a younger sister who is 21 and although she is hurting I know she wants to move forward and graduate to make our mother proud. But for me every second I eat or feel a second of being happy I think about how she is not here to spend it with me and it kills me because I rather be with her. My family I feel will never understand nor will my friends even though some of them have lost their mother to cancer and have managed to enjoy life years later I don't think I ever will and I don't know what to do. My Mother was 49 and my biggest supporter. Any thing I did she was proud of and even when we fought she could never stay mad at me for more than a minute. She was always there for me and worked hard to give my sister and I a good life. She was diagnosed last jan and kept it a secret for 8 months because she wanted to protect my sister and I. She is truly an angel and deserved so much more.

MomsBaby's picture
MomsBaby
Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on sept. 10, 2011. She was 48. I will be 22 on the 18 th of this month. She was diagnosed in 2007 and fought a long and hard battle. She was the strongest and the most perfect person in the world! She was a full out christian lady, oh how she loved the lord! But that is what confused me and made me MAD!!! God took that special woman from me, my mama, and wouldnt cure her or let her live just a little longer! Everyone says it takes time but I dont see it happening. I have so much left in my life to do just like you and its like who do I share it with? Yes, I have a wonderful family but they arent my mama. I try to put on my happy face but it is very hard. I come home from work every night and cry my eyes out listening to her sing, I am so glad she had it recorded. But if we hang in there together maybe we can make it!

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

You are right. Life isn't fair, but then nobody ever said it was. I am sorry that you lost your mom. This has got to be a hard time for everyone in your family. Your mother will continue to be with you as long as you remember her and her love. Right now, though, you need to grieve. It is a process and each of us must find our own way. You may need some help, and you shouldn't try to do this alone. If talking with your family is not helping, find a grief group or counselor. Talk with your dr, you may need to take meds for awhile. There is no shame in finding help. Remember, too, that others in your family are grieving. They may grieve differently, but they are grieving. Just as you say they will never understand you, they may feel that you are not understanding them. Also, it is very early in your grief. Time will help even though it may not heal your hurt. Right now it is very raw. Take care of yoursel. It is what your mother would want.

lifeisntfair
Posts: 3
Joined: Jan 2012

A lot of people have experienced this great loss but like I said its not fair and every little thing reminds me of her and its hard to sleep at night. One of my friends who lost their mother to cancer said things get better with time unfortunately I hate when people tell me that because I know for me it wont, the grief will always be there and I know thats not healthy but I can't change how I feel. People can move on but I will never be that happy carefree person.

lovelost
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2012

i was scared to research peoples personal experience of losing their mother, but i'm glad now i've read all of your touching experiences, i have found comfort in knowing i am not alone. manda_branka, your story touched me the most because it reminded me of what i had to go through after losing my best friend of only just 20 years, 26-12-11, boxing day. my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer 11 years ago. it had come back 3 times, and that third time she'd lost the battle of the ugly disease i had to watch eat my beautiful mother away. after my mum was hospitalised and i slepped the night at the hospital with my family because my mums body had crashed overnight, that is when i went through the most traumatic experience i will ever experience in my life. for years i've been worried about my mum, i always had death in the back of my mind... i was scared for a long time. when i was 17 years old, i remember seeing my mum cry because she wished she could watch me turn 18... she lived until i was 20. i have never felt so numb in my life. after she was hospitalised i took care of her 24/7. i saw too many things which i only WISH i could erase. it was too ugly. i was with my mum a lot when she was getting treatment at the hospital. i ran out of the building once so i could just cry because i couldn't hold it in any longer, i knew this time the cancer wasn't right... i was scared she wasn't getting better. i quit my job so i could be with my mum. she was very dozed up one drugs to make her comfortable at home, she became a different person. i witnessed a lot that my dad and brother didn't see because i was taking care of her. i had to wash her in the shower, and always go with her when she wanted to go to the toilet. i saw my mum light up (she wanted to smoke) in the bathroom at 3am in the morning (i watched her move 24/7) but she had lit up but put the lighter in her mouth, she clearly didn't know what she was doing because of the meds. i slepped on the couch with her, and i remember randomly waking up, and seeing my mum, on her knee's with her eyes closed. watching her fall asleep every night, was awful, i could see her suffering and pain, it was difficult watching her struggling for each breath. watching my mum become anorexic, her body looked so distorted... and her stomach was so swollen because everything inside was shutting down and wasn't working. and on her very last day i saw her psychically dying infront of me, got the point where she couldn't hold her head up. i knew that was her last day, and urged dad to take her to the hospital immediately and i looked back at her and she just nodded her head in agreement, and then she said 'it's time'. my dad stayed at the hospital with mum the night she passed... my dad fell asleep but something had woken him him, he looked over to mum and her eyes were opened during her final last breathes, she couldn't do anything/move, her eyes remained open until her last gasp of air. when my dad called me to come to the hospital he hadn't told me that mum died. as i arrived on the level where my mums room was all the nurses were looking at me, knowing what happened yet i didn't, and when i opened the door seeing her dead body, i yelled out repetitively 'no'... no tears were coming out, i was staring at her beautiful face, all i felt was numbness. so i took my mums smokes and left the building for fresh air and have taken up on smoking, as silly as it sounds but it makes me feel better. then recently i found a notebook of mums... one page made me ball my eyes out, it said '3 months to live' and a small list of what she wanted to do. she never would tell me the truth of what was really happened, she never wanted to worry the family. she went through such struggle which makes me hurt even more, she didn't deserve it, just like the rest of our mothers. i use to believe that 'everything happens for a reason' but now i don't. the good ones always seem to go... my mum is the only person that understood me, no one can replace what we had, it was so special, she has taught me so much. i'm left with such anger inside of me. i want to heal and feel at peace but i can't because of what i saw. it's just too hard. i feel so alone and sad inside, which i can hide very well. but i feel so weak and hopeless. i just want to see her again. also i'm very sorry to have written so much! but it's lovely knowing i am not alone.

sherryzwell
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2012

It seems we all are in the same boat. My mother was everything, donning the role of a father, mother and a teacher. She was staying independently to bring up me and my little brother. But fate had other plans when she was diagoised with Cancer in the uterus on June 2011. The stage of Cancer was B. She was a ataff in afraq Hospital, Abu Dhabi. She being a staff had health insurance and medical cover, thanks to GOD. She had to go through the uterus removal operation and her chemotherapy and radiation was taken in Al ain. Her treatment got over on August 2011. She was getting well. But never i had seen her in such a position. It just couldn't be absorbed within me. Suddenly my world was changing. She was recovering quite well. She was getting back to herself andstarted going for work. Everything was fine untol that fateful day, i.e. 29th Feb 2012. My little brother is 10 years old. He called me up telling that mom is not speaking. Me out of anxiety and fear rushed to my house. I could see my mother sweating and her mind was totally misplaced and askin me that she need to sleep. Without a moments hesitation i took her to the hospital. The doctors, nurses, my mother's colleagues and friends stayed with her. My brother was not knowing what was happening. The doctor came to me and told me tht she faced a cardiac arrest due to an urinary infection, which wasspreading through her body. She wasn't feeling the pain due to diabetes. The antibiotics were not working within her body. She was fighting through and the doctors had a hope. But unfortantely, early morning on a friday i.e. 2nd March 2012 at 5.00am she passed away. I couldn't believe it. My brother broke into tears. I had to accept it.

Now she is just memory. My life crashed. I am just 25 years and I need to live for my brother and father. My father is not well and he needs me. He stays in india while me and my brother are in abu dhabi. He is all that we got. Mom was staying seperated from him for 10 years, but she never did it legally thinking about us. Now i am working for my bro and dad. I am getting words of assurance from my relatives, yet i am seeking for a way to survive. I hope my quest would be fruitful for all around me.

It feels a little better when i could express my mind through these words. Hope it may give you an assurance that we are not alone. God had written all this in our lives. All we can believe is that our mom and dad are in a better place with GOD. Think positive and do good to all around you and create happiness.

tbcylh
Posts: 2
Joined: Jul 2012

My mum left me 4 months ago. Till now I still cant believe she's not around anymore. I wanted so much to join her but my religion tells me I might go to hell and if that's the case I still wont get to see her.

Her CA was discovered 7 years ago, and she remained CA free till Feb 2011. But her quality of life was good till Feb 2012 when the cells spread to her brain. No words can ever justify the pain I felt when I saw her lying on the hospital bed, in such great discomfort, and there's nothing I can do except to sleep in the hospital to keep her company 24/7. It wasn't so much as to just keep her company, but because I didn't dare to live a life without her, I couldn't bear the thought of not being with her. I wanted so much for it to be me who had to go through the pain she had to endure. It was really inhumane to have to watch someone you love more than your own life suffer, watch her leave you and there's nothing you can do to stop that.

I wanted so much for me to be taken instead of her. It's impossible to still believe god loves us when he allows us to go through such pain.

Everytime the emotions gush out, I wanted so much to call my mum's phone like how I used to last year whenever I miss her. Friends who went through the same thing said time will heal. But the pain and missing of mum will never go away. Just less painful. Maybe cuz as time passes, one gets immune more and more towards such feelings.

It doesnt really help that I know there are many people out there who is experiencing the same thing.

lulu1103
Posts: 8
Joined: Aug 2012

Hi,my name is Christi and I am 28 years old. My mom had me when she was 20 and I always appreciated having a young mom as I thought we would both grow old together. I never wanted to have to live without her. My mom was and still is my best friend, everything, other half and my biggest cheerleader. She was everything to me and we would always say how lucky we were that cancer did not run in our family. I have a 3 year old daughter who was everything to my mom. They were best buds and my mom lived for that little girl. I am also an only child and both my parents are my best friends. We called ourselves the 3 amigos and I cherished alone time with them and loved the fact that I was the only child. On february 9th, 2012 I got the call from my dad that would change my life forever. My mom had been acting different. We would text message 5 times a day and she started to tell me she wasn't getting my texts which did not make sense. After about two weeks my dad took her into the doctor and to be safe got an MRI of her brain as she was having terrible headaches as well. When I got the call from my dad he said she had a brain tumor and I almost dropped the phone. At this time we did not know if it was cancerous or not so I kept my hopes up. A week later the we found out it was the worst kind of brain cancer-GBM IV. We found a surgeon in Madison WI who was able to remove 100% of the tumor! yay...however the doctor informed us that it still usually comes back. Also with this, my mom suffered a stroke during the surgery and could not talk or move her right side. This meant she couldnt play with her granddaughter and that devestated her. The next four months she was in and out of the hospital as a drug to prevent seizures caused her to not have white blood cells and they never came back up. She was unable to fight an infections and it made her week. She completed rehab and chemo and her fu MRI was on June 15th, 2012. After the doctor had got 100% I figured this would come back good. I got the call from my dad that the tumor was back and bigger than the original size only four months later. One week later, my mother passed away. This was on June 26th, 2012. I lost my everything and I feel that a part of me has died. I am thankful to have my dad as he is a very positive person and has helped me but I struggle everyday just to make it through the day. I have constant anxiety and panic attacks. I live 2 hours away from my parents house. This weekend I went home for a daughter/father weekend which I needed. My dad helps to lift me up. He is my hero and now am scared that I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him. I miss my mom everyday and cry everyday. My best friend is gone and I thought she'd live until 100. This year has been terrible and I still keep saying I want her back even though I know I can't have her back. I talk to her everyday but would give anything to be in her loving arms again. I just want to know that I will not feel this empty and lost someday as it's the worst feeling in the world and I know I will never go through a more difficult time than losing my mom. I love her so much and she will be in my heart forever. Can anyone share similar stories or advise on helpful tips to get by in life?

lulu1103
Posts: 8
Joined: Aug 2012

Hi,my name is Christi and I am 28 years old. My mom had me when she was 20 and I always appreciated having a young mom as I thought we would both grow old together. I never wanted to have to live without her. My mom was and still is my best friend, everything, other half and my biggest cheerleader. She was everything to me and we would always say how lucky we were that cancer did not run in our family. I have a 3 year old daughter who was everything to my mom. They were best buds and my mom lived for that little girl. I am also an only child and both my parents are my best friends. We called ourselves the 3 amigos and I cherished alone time with them and loved the fact that I was the only child. On february 9th, 2012 I got the call from my dad that would change my life forever. My mom had been acting different. We would text message 5 times a day and she started to tell me she wasn't getting my texts which did not make sense. After about two weeks my dad took her into the doctor and to be safe got an MRI of her brain as she was having terrible headaches as well. When I got the call from my dad he said she had a brain tumor and I almost dropped the phone. At this time we did not know if it was cancerous or not so I kept my hopes up. A week later the we found out it was the worst kind of brain cancer-GBM IV. We found a surgeon in Madison WI who was able to remove 100% of the tumor! yay...however the doctor informed us that it still usually comes back. Also with this, my mom suffered a stroke during the surgery and could not talk or move her right side. This meant she couldnt play with her granddaughter and that devestated her. The next four months she was in and out of the hospital as a drug to prevent seizures caused her to not have white blood cells and they never came back up. She was unable to fight an infections and it made her week. She completed rehab and chemo and her fu MRI was on June 15th, 2012. After the doctor had got 100% I figured this would come back good. I got the call from my dad that the tumor was back and bigger than the original size only four months later. One week later, my mother passed away. This was on June 26th, 2012. I lost my everything and I feel that a part of me has died. I am thankful to have my dad as he is a very positive person and has helped me but I struggle everyday just to make it through the day. I have constant anxiety and panic attacks. I live 2 hours away from my parents house. This weekend I went home for a daughter/father weekend which I needed. My dad helps to lift me up. He is my hero and now am scared that I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him. I miss my mom everyday and cry everyday. My best friend is gone and I thought she'd live until 100. This year has been terrible and I still keep saying I want her back even though I know I can't have her back. I talk to her everyday but would give anything to be in her loving arms again. I just want to know that I will not feel this empty and lost someday as it's the worst feeling in the world and I know I will never go through a more difficult time than losing my mom. I love her so much and she will be in my heart forever. Can anyone share similar stories or advise on helpful tips to get by in life?

lulu1103
Posts: 8
Joined: Aug 2012

Hi,my name is Christi and I am 28 years old. My mom had me when she was 20 and I always appreciated having a young mom as I thought we would both grow old together. I never wanted to have to live without her. My mom was and still is my best friend, everything, other half and my biggest cheerleader. She was everything to me and we would always say how lucky we were that cancer did not run in our family. I have a 3 year old daughter who was everything to my mom. They were best buds and my mom lived for that little girl. I am also an only child and both my parents are my best friends. We called ourselves the 3 amigos and I cherished alone time with them and loved the fact that I was the only child. On february 9th, 2012 I got the call from my dad that would change my life forever. My mom had been acting different. We would text message 5 times a day and she started to tell me she wasn't getting my texts which did not make sense. After about two weeks my dad took her into the doctor and to be safe got an MRI of her brain as she was having terrible headaches as well. When I got the call from my dad he said she had a brain tumor and I almost dropped the phone. At this time we did not know if it was cancerous or not so I kept my hopes up. A week later the we found out it was the worst kind of brain cancer-GBM IV. We found a surgeon in Madison WI who was able to remove 100% of the tumor! yay...however the doctor informed us that it still usually comes back. Also with this, my mom suffered a stroke during the surgery and could not talk or move her right side. This meant she couldnt play with her granddaughter and that devestated her. The next four months she was in and out of the hospital as a drug to prevent seizures caused her to not have white blood cells and they never came back up. She was unable to fight an infections and it made her week. She completed rehab and chemo and her fu MRI was on June 15th, 2012. After the doctor had got 100% I figured this would come back good. I got the call from my dad that the tumor was back and bigger than the original size only four months later. One week later, my mother passed away. This was on June 26th, 2012. I lost my everything and I feel that a part of me has died. I am thankful to have my dad as he is a very positive person and has helped me but I struggle everyday just to make it through the day. I have constant anxiety and panic attacks. I live 2 hours away from my parents house. This weekend I went home for a daughter/father weekend which I needed. My dad helps to lift me up. He is my hero and now am scared that I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him. I miss my mom everyday and cry everyday. My best friend is gone and I thought she'd live until 100. This year has been terrible and I still keep saying I want her back even though I know I can't have her back. I talk to her everyday but would give anything to be in her loving arms again. I just want to know that I will not feel this empty and lost someday as it's the worst feeling in the world and I know I will never go through a more difficult time than losing my mom. I love her so much and she will be in my heart forever. Can anyone share similar stories or advise on helpful tips to get by in life?

krystiesq's picture
krystiesq
Posts: 242
Joined: Jun 2008

I lost my mom two years ago tomorrow. I took care of her for almost three years during her battle with colon cancer. She was my best friend and much of the explanation you gave for your mom, I could give for mine. I too have a daughter and my mom watched her until she had a seizure which prevented her from being alone with her because she was afraid she would have another.

I am really sorry that you are going through what I have gone through. Losing your mom feels like the end of the world. It does get easier because you get used to a new normal, I can say that two years out. However, I am still sad, I still miss her and it still doesn't feel real at times. It would be easy to succomb to depression, sadness and anxiety, but I have to keep putting one step in front of the other and moving forward.

I can't really say what would be the best helpful tip for you to get by because grief is such a personal journey. No matter how sad you are or depressed, the sun will still rise tomorrow and you have a daughter who deserves to see her mom happy. I focus my energy on my daughter, who is as stubborn as my mom was, and try to be as good of a mom to her as my mom was to me.

lulu1103
Posts: 8
Joined: Aug 2012

Thank you for your reply. It was very inspiring when you said try to be as good of a mom to my daughter as my mom was to me. As hard as it is to not cry all the time and to try to be a great mom to my daughter, I know my mom would be devasted if I didn't give all my love to my daughter. Life does go on and the sun continues to rise but I still wake up every day just missing my mom's voice and wanting her back so bad.

Old_soul91
Posts: 2
Joined: Sep 2012

I lost my mother to ovarian caner last fall i was 19. It still hurts but i hope that you have found peace by now and that your emotional wounds have healed somewhat your post inspired me to work through my tears and make a profile here to share my story so thank you very much.

hakuna13
Posts: 7
Joined: Oct 2012

Hi,

Like everyone else on here, I lost my mom to Cancer. She was diagnosed at Easter this year with lung cancer. She'd gone to the hospital for a knee replacement and they discovered the reason for her knee pain was a large tumour on her spine. By the time they discovered the cancer, it was too late. It had spread everywhere throughout her body. We took her home not long after because she wanted to be at home. She was in a lot of pain. As her primary caregiver, it was tough watching her lose her will to fight, having to help her stand up, having to go buy diapers when she couldn't walk anymore. After 6 weeks, she decided to go back to the hospital. She knew she only had a very short time left, just knew something wasn't right. When we checked back in, we were told the cancer had spread to her brain. She passed away 3 days later, 7 short and long weeks after the diagnosis.

I am 24 (23 at the time) and my dad passed away when I was 7, so mom was all I had left. I haven't even really dealt with any of this yet.

2 months after my mom passed away, my best friend (also 24) was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is scheduled for her second surgery on Friday, with chemo to start shortly after that. We live together, in a different city than her parents, so I will be her primary caregiver as well. I wasn't ready to do this the first time, and I'm definitely not ready to do this again.

deedee23
Posts: 2
Joined: Nov 2012

dear Swalsh
i lost my mum three months ago with cancer that initially started with that of the gall bladder but later spread to other parts of her body. i feel the same way and its hard for me to read your post that after one year you are still in so much pain. i still cry every night coz of her and one of the people who commented is right .....at first you do feel relieved that all that pain they were in is gone but the cost for us was to much. my mum died a day after her first grandchild was born and all she got to see was a pic i took with my lousy phone while still in so much pain. every day i miss her and the thought that i wont see her again kills me. i have lost all faith in God as i feel He was just there laugu=hing at us while we did all those surgeries and chemo to try save her while all along he knew her fate. i wouldnt take back any of those days as she also had some happy times. i just live one day at a time.......there is nothing really that helps me COPE. my family and friends help with a laugh or two. i am also 25 and all i can tell you is ONE DAY AT A TIME!those little steps matter to someone else more than you know

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

I often forget this board is here. It doesn't get a lot of responses. I am so sorry that you lost your mother. Your grief is still very new. I am three years out from the death of my husband, and for me the pain and grief has lessened. I don't know that we ever really get over it. That just means that we still carry them in our hearts. The good memories remind us of how much we love and were loved. Our loved ones will always be with us through those memories. I lost my grandfather more than 50 years ago ( yes i am old!), and I am still reminded of him and feel that loss. I don't believe in closure. I wouldn't want it if I did. The people that I have lost in my life have helped make me who I am today. Hugs, Fay

Kate1983
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2013

On Feb 18, 2012, God called my mom and she had to go. She was diagnosed with breast cancer may 2011 and was gone 9months later.. Its coming up on 1year and Im an emotional wreck she was my best friend my everything. I have 3 kids ages 9, 6, and 2 and she was there for us when nobody else was. Her and my father would have been married 40 years in september and its been hard on the whole family..Its hard to talk about it bc I always get emotional. I know god doesnt make mistakes and never have I questioned why she had to go. My faith is solid but my heart is broken. Sometimes we dont understand why things happen but we have to trust god and his reasons. Im 29 years old and miss my mother like a child would.  I just pray for better days..Im in nursing school determined to work with cancer patients..Its like I found my calling..Mom I miss you so much and you may be gone but you are never forgotten...

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