Cancer Survivors Network

Oh, sweetheart, I have no idea what you are going thru but my heart goes out to you! Losing a loved one, especially your mother has to be devasting. Please come in CSN chat room, there are many people who can help, listen, make you laugh, make you cry. They have helped me. Again, my deepest sympathy for your lost.

Your story sounds so similar to mine. I have a very close family as well, Dad & my older brother. I am young too (27 when my mom died) Christmas 2002. Mom & I were best friends as well, went shopping every Saturday. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. There probably isn't much worse of a loss, other than losing a child. I know what you are going through. I couldn't talk about it for a long while without losing it and I couldn't even talk to my family b/c they were too upset too & I didn't want to make it worse. I even resorted to drinking a lot to try to make myself feel better. (Don't let yourself do this, you'll pay for it later & I don't mean with a hangover!) I can tell you that time helps, It just gets better day by day. Eventually you will be able to think of your mom & remember all the fun stuff instead of the bad sick days. You are going to hurt and feel hollow for a good while but just talk to her in your mind and try to hear her replies-to yourself of course (or your co-workers may have you committed!) I always try to think of what funny little comments she would have made and it makes me feel like she is still here.

I am here to talk to you anytime you need to. Just drop me a note. Sorry if I rambled...

Hi. I just lost my dad to adrenocortical cancer 8 days ago, on Oct 4. He was 50 years old and he and my mom had just celebrated 28 years at the end of August. I am 24 and my sister is 22. I understand the devastation you experienced when you lost your mom. My family has always been very close-knit. My dad was my hero my whole life and I'm still completely numb over losing him. He was diagnosed with a tumor on July 7, cancer on August 6 after/during surgery, and 8 weeks later was gone. Prior to surgery he was a seemingly perfectly healthy guy who spent every free moment on his horses or his motorcycle. His speedy decline left all our heads spinning. I guess the stuff that's made it easier to deal with is being able to spend a lot of time with the horses. That was something we did together, so being with them now is my way of still connecting with my dad. Every time I walk into the stables I feel my dad with me. My dad's best friend told me the day my dad died that it would help me to find a place I could go to reconnect with my dad. The barn does that for me and even though it's only been 8 days, I'm doing much better than I ever expected. I think it's important to give yourself lots of opportunities to 'feel' your loved one rather than focus on the fact that you will never see them again.

Don't get me wrong, every time I think of my dad's last months I am infuriated. The cancer he had is a 1 in 2,000,000 deal. The American Cancer Society does not even fund research for it. When I think about how miserable he was at the end and the fact that he had to suffer at all, I just have to make my mind go somewhere else. Maybe it's an avoidance technique, but it's working for me right now. My dad wouldn't have wanted me to be continuously sad. We shed enough tears together while he was dying.

What you said about your life being different now... I only have 8 days experience with that, but you're so right. Things will never be the same. I'm getting a taste of that. My mom is actually talking about going out of state for Christmas and Thanksgiving...something we've never contemplated since almost our entire family lives in the same area.

I know I'm probably giving you more info than you wanted, but I just want you to know you are not alone in your coping. Also, I'm on this board to find people my age who are dealing with the loss of a parent. I hope I haven't bored you too much. Peace, Jenny.

I lost my mom in March. I watched a very strong woman whom I loved and cherished diminish into a very weak, dependent lady. I am never going to forget watching her go. I miss her and still cry for her everyday. I have found there are friends who want to fix me, tell me to cheer up. I don't want to cheer up, I want to scream and cry and get mom back. I totally understand your pain and I also know that time does get a little better. They say when you are a caregiver, your grief is postponed because at first you are just relieved that your loved one is no longer suffering. The pain hits when you realize the magnitude of your loss. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it did to me. And then you have to deal with the fact that people think you should be "over" it. No one understands that you don't just get over it. It takes time, and lots of it for you to adjust to your life after losing someone so significant. I know you are only 25, I am 40 and that is too soon to lose a mom. I can't even imagine life without her at that young of an age. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find those people who can help you. They don't want to fix you, they want to listen to you. Please find those people. They really help. I am still searching for my safe person, sometimes I think I have found them and then they stop being safe by trying to cheer me up. These people need to understand your loss, not minimize it. I hope this helps in some way for you to understand it is totally ok to still be feeling this way. You have to express your grief to get past it. Remember that, if you hold it in, it will never be expressed. You are in my prayers, dear. Hold tight and let your tears go.
Sonja

I never want to tell anyone that I understand what they're going through because everyone's circumstances are different, so I'll just say I can relate. I'm 25 and I lost my mom 6 months ago to osteosarcoma. It was just around this time last year that she was diagnosed. Yes it has thrown my life so out of whack. I don't like to show my family my emotion either for the same reason as you (i think we all don't). I've just been taking it day by day. I think that's the best we can do. Sometimes I wonder when the day will come when I feel better, but I guess that's not for me to know right now. Just don't avoid living your life. Take the time you need to heal. That's all the advice I know so far. I'm still new too.

I can completely sympathize with you on losing a mother. And I know how it is to feel alone. My mom and my best friend, my confidante, contracted leukemia in the summer before my sophomore year of high school. She fought 3 hard months, but in the end, even my eloquent, strong mother couldn't defeat the disease. It was horrible, too, every single day that I watched her in her diminishing state. When a writer/editor can't form a sentence or make sense, you know something is terribly wrong. In the last week or so of her life, she was on life support in the ICU, on a breathing tube, which I think was one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen, but by far, the last 45 minutes of her life, when they finally took her off life support are the images that are forever burned in my memory, and haunt me to this day.
I was only 15 when she passed away. 2 years later - I'm 17 now, a senior in high school, I'm applying to colleges, and graduating in this coming year, all without her.
And to top it all off, my dad, who I've never really had a real relationship with and this crisis hasn't changed that fact, is getting remarried at the end of this year. I'm pretty much on my own, and the whole thing has just been such a strain on me emotionally.
Anyone else out there that would want to chat?

My mom died with cancer that had spread to her lungs, when i was just 9 years old and she was only 30. This friday it will be 8 years since she died and I am stil finding it very difficult to cope with the thought of the future. I never knew she was dying, only that she was sick and I never got to tell her just how much she meant to me. I have been through many birthdays, and many other events without her and it still hurts so much that she isnt here to share them. Its difficult to think that she wont be here in 9 months time when i graduate, or at my wedding, or to advise me through having my own children but i know that on all of these occasions she will be with me in a different way. The advice i can give is the same as others here.. dont try to let go but dont dwell on the hard times either. Never forget her smile or her laugh, the good times you shared because as time passes those things will count more and more.
I never got to know my mom, never had the chance to appreciate the strong beautiful person that she was or acknowledge just how much she loved me, so cherish the thought that you knew your mom for as long as you did.

This comment has been removed by the Moderator

I lost my mom last July of 2009, so it is still very raw to me. I took care of my mom for two years before she went off to heaven and I am currently only 17. I was 14 when my mom was diagnosed and she passed away two weeks before my sevententh birthday. Her cancer came from an unknown source, which gives me zero closure. What hurts the most was getting so close to her only to lose her. Like you, I feel very alone because I am the type of person to not bring anyone down with my own feelings. I am so sorry that we have such an awful thing in common, but it's what gets us through our hard days. Hope you are doing well.