My daughter is scared.

liz11808
liz11808 Member Posts: 34
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Yesterday I have the change to talk to my oldest daughter (she's 16) about a lot of things. It's been not a good months and weeks between us. It all started during my cancer diagnosis. I have a lot of things going on with me, being off from work, surgery, well everything I can imagine that the cancer had brought into our life. I did have a heart to heart with my 2 daughters (16 & 12) and I thought I did get through to each of them. My kids have extremely different personality. My oldest one seems to be really out spoken and out going and the youngest one is kinda shy. I really thought that my oldest one will take this situation openly. But then I am so wrong, she started having her grades dropped really low. I thought it's because of her boyfriend. I don't remember how many times I talked to her about preparing for college, that what she is doing really hurts me. I cried so much, my eyes swells for few days. I even told her that she don't really care about me and the situation I am rightnow. I was really sad, hurting and depressed. And so yesterday for the first time I heard her side of the story. She said she have bad grades not because she don't study but she can not concentrate. It is not also about her boyfriend either. The reason is she is scared about me having to go through all the treatment. She is the one asking WHY MY MOM?? Because grandma died also of cancer and now it's Mom, that is why she is really scared. She said she sees me as a strong woman but in the hospital after my surgery, she saw me helpless and in the lowest point of life. I didn't know that until yesterday, my daugther is scared to death. I was shocked and can not say anything at the moment. For several months my daughter is in some kind of fear that I didn't know and I didn't even see. I failed to take care of her during this time. But now that I knew her feelings, I assure her that I will take good care of myself so I will be with God's will be around with them. We all have our own fears but also our love ones. They are also going through some tough times. Thank you for all your support, you have given me such a wonderful gift.
You will all be in my prayers.

God bless, Liz

Comments

  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #2
    Awwwwww Sweetie~ what a heart-wrenching story. Being 16 is hard enough without the fear your daughter is facing...

    First things first. You have enough on your plate without adding guilt to the equasion. You know your daughters; you mentioned how different each of their personalities is. It was probably reasonable for you to jump to a conclusion different than the one which was staring you in your faces!

    Now that you know, you are better equipped to heal yourself AND your daughter! And isn't that a blessing? You can actually bond in a new way~ not exactly role reversal, but allowing each other to be honest about emotions. To a point, at any rate. You are still the Mom.

    My niece ( who I had been raising since age 4) was also 16 when I was diagnosed. She did some "acting out" as well. But, bottom line, she went to EVERY chemo with me and helped take care of me. Chemo wasn't exactly fun, but during the infusion we did Ab-Libs and laughed, and tried to forget why I was there. I took her with me to buy a wig, and let HER chose the one she liked best on me. Truly, I wouldn't have cared if she picked Hot Pink if that made her feel better! (thankfully, she didn't) She stayed as far away and as close as both of us wanted, if that makes any sense. We were BOTH afraid~ and what helped us was to voice that fear. Once it was out in the open, it didn't seem so big.

    That was 5 1/2 years ago! Yup, I'm still here! My niece is 22, married, and a loyal supporter of me, the Relay For Life, and is a "normal" young adult.

    I hope this helped. I realize our situations are all different, but they are all the same too, aren't they?

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • liz11808
    liz11808 Member Posts: 34
    #3
    chenheart said:

    Awwwwww Sweetie~ what a heart-wrenching story. Being 16 is hard enough without the fear your daughter is facing...

    First things first. You have enough on your plate without adding guilt to the equasion. You know your daughters; you mentioned how different each of their personalities is. It was probably reasonable for you to jump to a conclusion different than the one which was staring you in your faces!

    Now that you know, you are better equipped to heal yourself AND your daughter! And isn't that a blessing? You can actually bond in a new way~ not exactly role reversal, but allowing each other to be honest about emotions. To a point, at any rate. You are still the Mom.

    My niece ( who I had been raising since age 4) was also 16 when I was diagnosed. She did some "acting out" as well. But, bottom line, she went to EVERY chemo with me and helped take care of me. Chemo wasn't exactly fun, but during the infusion we did Ab-Libs and laughed, and tried to forget why I was there. I took her with me to buy a wig, and let HER chose the one she liked best on me. Truly, I wouldn't have cared if she picked Hot Pink if that made her feel better! (thankfully, she didn't) She stayed as far away and as close as both of us wanted, if that makes any sense. We were BOTH afraid~ and what helped us was to voice that fear. Once it was out in the open, it didn't seem so big.

    That was 5 1/2 years ago! Yup, I'm still here! My niece is 22, married, and a loyal supporter of me, the Relay For Life, and is a "normal" young adult.

    I hope this helped. I realize our situations are all different, but they are all the same too, aren't they?

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    Hello Chen,
    I've been feeling really guilty about it. Like your niece, my younger daughter came with me on one of my appointment and when I get my prosthesis. She knows basically everything from chemo dates and doctor's appointments. She knows all the side effects of every rounds of chemo that I had. But the oldest one seems not interested. I did had the wrong conclusion. I saw it in her eyes yesterday, the fear that I will go just like her grandma. I hope that we can have our realtionship back without the cancer breaking us apart again. Thank you for support.

    God bless, Liz
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #4
    I could write a book on this subject, but can hardly write a sentence, because as the mother of a 15 year old son, the pain is just so deep. My son has been through some rough times and bad grades, too. But, (and I am searching hard here to find some good in DX) I must say my son and I are now incredibly close. It is good for children to see their parents as strong, yes, but now my son and I know that we both can feel some deep pain and even be weak sometimes. When the strength between us was torn down, so was a wall.
    It scares me a little sometimes to feel how much I want my son to support me and even comfort me. I thought that, as the parent, I should be helping him and I am being too needy. Maybe, however, when the world is turned upside down. letting our children be there for us gives them a sense of control and then safety. Which makes us feel better, which helps us support and comfort them, and before you know it, relationships heal and grow. Or at least I sure as heck hope so. I am with you on this one, Liz. Your fellow mommy, Joyce
  • liz11808
    liz11808 Member Posts: 34
    #5
    unknown said:

    I could write a book on this subject, but can hardly write a sentence, because as the mother of a 15 year old son, the pain is just so deep. My son has been through some rough times and bad grades, too. But, (and I am searching hard here to find some good in DX) I must say my son and I are now incredibly close. It is good for children to see their parents as strong, yes, but now my son and I know that we both can feel some deep pain and even be weak sometimes. When the strength between us was torn down, so was a wall.
    It scares me a little sometimes to feel how much I want my son to support me and even comfort me. I thought that, as the parent, I should be helping him and I am being too needy. Maybe, however, when the world is turned upside down. letting our children be there for us gives them a sense of control and then safety. Which makes us feel better, which helps us support and comfort them, and before you know it, relationships heal and grow. Or at least I sure as heck hope so. I am with you on this one, Liz. Your fellow mommy, Joyce

    Hello Joyce,
    There is really no word to describe how hard it is when our children are affected. I am just glad that I found out early on how my daughter feels about my condition. We can both try to bridge the gap between us. Thank you so much for your support.
    God bless, Liz
  • hward2007
    hward2007 Member Posts: 62
    #6
    liz11808 said:

    Hello Joyce,
    There is really no word to describe how hard it is when our children are affected. I am just glad that I found out early on how my daughter feels about my condition. We can both try to bridge the gap between us. Thank you so much for your support.
    God bless, Liz

    Liz Im hating she is going through that and you too. Your post just riped my heart out, I feel blessed that my baby girl is just that a baby, she is 16mth and I am 33yrs with long history, mom, most all the women in my mom's side, me and my mom are BRCA1 pos/Her-2neg/e&p neg. I have to wait til Sky (my baby girl) is 18 before she can be tested,civil rights and all. I dread the day we have to have that talk, my mother even now blames herself because she gave me the gene, whatever, I reassure her the gift of life and the strenght of wisdom came along with it and that is all I see..We all love our moms and your little one just needs time to adjust and cope in her own way. Just keep the comunication line open and information comming when she ask questions. Your a Kick Butt Mother We are all Super Mom's, Sister's, Aunt's, Wifes, and Friends.
    All My Love,
    Heather
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #7
    Hi liz.
    My daughter was 12 when I lost my right breast...14 when I lost my left one. She was just getting hers and I was loosing mine. It was a very difficult time.
    Today she is almost 34, a strong, confident woman who takes care of herself and keeps close watch over her health. And she ENJOYS life. I like to think that what she and I went through together when she was a teenager, while it often seemed all 'wrong' at the time, has turned out very 'right'.
    We just have to do the best we can and trust that our kids will come to see the value in what we tried to do for them. It sounds as though you are doing an amazing job with your girls.
  • lfly
    lfly Member Posts: 50
    #8
    Hello liz,

    I wish i knew about this chat room 7 yrs ago. My children were 6, 11, 12 yrs. My oldest two were terribly affected and never talked about it. They both almost flunked out of high school and their behavior was bad. My youngest who is still at home has a friend whose mother died last winter from CA. This little girl who was 12 yrs then tried to kill herself. It was so heart breaking. I put my own daughter in counseling when i found this out. It scared me. I keep my children informed and i've always shown them that i stay positive. They've also seen me cry. My baby is so scared that i will leave and she'll have to go live with her father who drinks excessively. I'm sure she feels trapped. Counseling was my only hope as she refused to talk to me about it. CA is a family disease in more ways than one.

    My oldest children are doing much better. They are both engaged and have good jobs. One even started college last winter.

    It gets better. "Time heals all wounds" Maybe even makes us all a little stronger.

    Godspeed
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #9
    OH, Liz, when we are first diagnosed it seems that we are the only ones affected, but cancer affects the whole family. My daughter was 14 & my son 16 when I was dx last year and they had a very hard time. They each reacted differently. My son was angry for a while and I think like your daughter felt why my mom, and my daughter withdrew into herself. My son's football coach helped him a lot and I think my attitude that I was going to kick cancer in the a** helped them both get through it. It does get better, keep positive and keep the line open for communication it does help. Prayers and hugs, Lili
  • VermontPines
    VermontPines Member Posts: 12
    #10
    Liz, I don't have any children, but I was 14 when my mom was diagnosed with salivary gland cancer. She didn't talk a lot about it, and the first time I realized how serious it was was when I saw her in the hospital after surgery with tubes coming out of her neck and a slash across her throat. Like your older daughter, I became terrified, but I had no idea what to do. I tried to do things like chores to help, but I was pretty lost. She never talked to me about it, except for one time about 6 months later when she told me how angry she was that I wasn't there for her. You're handling things so well now with you older daughter - bring her in, tell her how she can help, let her choose your wig LOL. She sounds like a good kid - the fact that your daughters are so different is a compliment to your parenting skills - you gave them room to find their own way. Being able to help you (even if you have to ask her to do things that you might be able to do yourself) will bring a closeness. The scary part is not knowing (remember those days of waiting for the path reports?). You sound like a warm, caring and sensitive parent - let her hug you, and hug her back.
    Stacey

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