We are home. We are here with our two daughters and my mother. Dick's mom and sister are in a house down the street and his best friend is staying at another home. As the day went on yesterday, it became more and more clear that going home was the right thing to do. As confirmation, as we traveled over the mountain in the medical van on the way home there was a spectacular double rainbow. Honestly, it was leading us home. When we got here everything was set. I had contacted one of Dick's friends, who is a contractor, at 7:30 in the morning and told him Dick was coming home on hospice. I asked if he could get an air conditioner installed by the afternoon in our bedroom. Sure enough, we entered a cool, calm room. The hospital bed was there along with O2 and the everything he needs. There was a warm meal on the table provided by neighbors and I even went outside and threw the ball to the dogs for a bit just to clear my head.
I asked his best friend to please stay on the couch as I was a bit scared to do the first night alone (my mom was in with our daughter with special needs, caring for her) and his best friend (from 2nd grade) stayed on the couch. I knew it would be a learning experience. One thing I learned is that I need a cot, not to be on a futon on the floor. I need to be eye level with him. Also, I am going to look into a nurse for night time so I can get some sleep. The thing is I will still stay in the room and I want someone else with eyes on him in case he needs something. When I think about it, it's a bit creepy to have someone staring at us when we sleep but at least I won't have to set me alarm every 30 to 45 minutes to check him.
This morning with everyone around to help, I took the younger (more energetic) dog for a walk as she must get exercise. What I found was the sun was still shining, the ocean was still spectacular and our friends are amazing. It pained me to look at our beautiful ocean and know that Dick will not be back in it again or that we will not take another boat ride together. But, when I got back to the house I know at the bottom of my heart that it is time for him to go to eternal love. I know I have no idea how devastated I will be. I have never experienced the level of grief that awaits me or the weight of my children's grief. But, I also know that we will make it through and there will still be beauty and love. I'm not sure how we will make it, but we will.
Please continue to pray for peace.