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Unfair

Sandi1's picture
Sandi1
Posts: 277
Joined: Aug 2008

I have decided that this damn disease is unfair. my husband lived a good life - went to the doctor for his physicals yearly, didn't smoke, didn't drink - his only think was he liked pizza a little too much.  i don't know how i'm going to live without him, i waited all my life to meet the perfect man,  a  man who loves ME for who I am, never tried to change me, gave me everything i could ever want, treated me with respect and just plain loved me. In turn i gave him all the same. We met late in life, i had been divorced for 7 years and he had been divorced for 2, i was 32 when he met me and he was 36 and we married a year later.  I moved my son and myself from Canada to New York to live with him, and then we all moved to New Jersey.  I ask you, how is this fair? i know no one has the answers, but today of all days, my brain has decided to have a melt down about this stupid disease. i just can't visualize my life without my husband in it, and damn it, it really bothers me.  I just wanted to be happy, that's all.

Sandi

 

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1340
Joined: Apr 2010

You're right Sandi, it's not fair, not at all.  I had a similar situation; a miserable marriage, got divorced, met Rick and was happy for the first time in my whole life.  And then came the diagnosis....    Yeah, cancer sucks.  :'(

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 1702
Joined: Jan 2013

LIFE IS NOT FAIR!

When the Oncologsist left my hospital room after telling my I had cancer, I cried, I cried and I cried, then I got angry. Why, because when I was born, I was left at the hospital, and then carted off to a chidrens home for two years and then I was adopted. When I was adopted at two, I was molested by the man whom I was supposed to call Father. I was molested until I was ten, when I told him one day that I would kill him if he touched me again. He never touched me again, but I sufered for years, my self esteem was shot, and he gave me chlamydia which screwed up my reproductive organs and I had to lose two babies and have four major surgeries to get it right.  Yeah, I was mad. 

So, after the Oncologist left the room and I'd cried and then got mad, I told God that life wasn't fair. Why was I going to spend my las years dying of cancer, when I'd already suffered so much? 

So there, you now know why I totally get why you are here posting about how angry you are. You do deserve better. Your husband deserves better, we all deserve better, but we can't make it happen.  It is totally out of our control.

I don't know aobut life, sometimes it just stinks. I want to sit down with God one day (not soon) and ask him WHY.  

I'm with you in spirit as you deal with your anger. I pray that it will not consume you, as you go throuh life. I Am so so very sorry for you. I can't stress enough how my heart hurts for your pain. 

Bless. 

UncleBuddy
Posts: 712
Joined: Aug 2013

I am so sorry that you had to deal with all of that. Although you've been through hell and back again, you continue to have such a wonderful outlook. I truly hope you become NED in the near future. Cancer sucks!!

Lin

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2318
Joined: Jan 2009

Trubrit,

My heart goes out to you.  I hurt for you and all you have been through.  At the same time I think you reflect amazing hope.  You are incredible.

 

Aloha,

Kathleen

jen2012
Posts: 1252
Joined: Aug 2012

Anger has been the hardest thing for me to fight through since my husbands diagnosis.  It certainly is not fair at all.    Vent away, we understand like no one else can.

lilacbrroller's picture
lilacbrroller
Posts: 332
Joined: Jun 2012

Yes. The situation does suck. To be sure.

i had an idea - you seem like you love this man soooo so much. I can feel it in your writing.  since both of you are aware of the hourglass, I suggest creating a safe space in your house for the two of you for love and remembrance.  set up an air mattress for two, or use a hide a bed. Anything but his sick bed. Different room, different space, different energy. Get new linens - borrow them from your silly relatives.  The two of you spend at least an hour a day (whatever he has the energy for) in this safe "couples" space snuggling, holding hands, talking about the good old days, cuddling, teling each other how much you love each other, Etc. you might laugh, you might cry - who knows. But you end up spending some of his days just the two of you on this pretend island in your living room enjoying each other - no bills, no stress. He may like it so much he may spend all day doing this!!  If he can get out, watch stars and sunsets together. 

Anyway, just an idea. Hope you feel better

Karin

marbleotis's picture
marbleotis
Posts: 526
Joined: Mar 2012

cancer is unfair and does not care who it hurts.  I learned that through my journey.

Instead of focussing on the "unfaireness", focus on every second you have together.  It is true that none of us know how long we have, cancer or no cancer.

Try to keep each minute precious and treasure every experience together (both good and bad).

You might spend a day just sitting in the yard looking at the birds, or if you are close enough, a ride to the Jersey Shore and look at the water.

Silly little things bring the most joy. 

Nothing will change the fact that your husband loves you, nothing, not even cancer!

Helen321's picture
Helen321
Posts: 925
Joined: May 2012

I'm mad right along with you.  I just don't get it.

UncleBuddy
Posts: 712
Joined: Aug 2013

I am sorry that you are dealing with this! I don't know what to say. Are there any support groups in your area for caregivers that you can attend?

lp1964's picture
lp1964
Posts: 908
Joined: Jun 2013

...while things are going ok. There is no fairness. When things are going right it looks as if hard work pays off and you can get away with stuff . But fairness is not real and we only realize it when things go bad. I'm sorry that you guys have to go through this tuff time and it is not gonna be easy. But would you trade this for a life when you did not meet each other. Sounds like no way!!! You guys are an inspiration to the world. Love you!

Laz

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1209
Joined: Apr 2009

My heart is filled with sadness for you and your husband. I know and understand what you are going through. There are no answers as to why one person is allowed to live while another is not. I have often wondered why my husband and my daughter were both stricken with cancer, yet I was spared. One of the hardest attitudes to achieve is acceptance of what has happened and what is still to come. I have not mastered that yet.

Share this wonderful love of each other and make beautiful memories. Remember that miracles happen and none of us have an expiration date stamped on the bottom of our foot.

Luv,

Wolfen

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2318
Joined: Jan 2009

Sandi,

I feel your anger and I understand it.  I find the car a good place to go to just scream this stuff out sometimes.  Of course coming here to this place we find understanding and compassion.  I pray that you two have some good days ahead.

 

Aloha,

Kathleen

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2322
Joined: Oct 2011

You have every right to feel angry and hurt by what is happening. And we're here to listen. We all understand these feelings.

Big hugs coming your way.

jasmine1865
Posts: 4
Joined: Jun 2014

Hi All, I am new to this first time on.  I just received word i have colon Cancer!  Words can't express how i feel i can't sleep inspite that I have to be at work in few hours.

i don't know what to do cry or have a break down.  I suppose to se the surgeon in a week and get my Ct to see what stage it is in.  I never thought me of all people will get it.  I  

I should have know given the fact that my family have  a history of Cancer and I knew some how it wwill come to claim me.

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 1702
Joined: Jan 2013

I have copied your post and started a new thread so that we can all welcome you, and get to know you there. 

Here is the link    http://csn.cancer.org/node/280024

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2071
Joined: Oct 2009

I totally understand all the feelings you are going through right now.  It is so very difficult.  I am so very sorry.  

Hugs - Tina

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 643
Joined: May 2011

Sandi, In all the unfairness, the sadness one thing stands out as light, as blessing. Your husband has an incredibly loving woman at his side.  I am so sorry for all that burdens both of you yet so humbled by your love for each other. 

CM

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3041
Joined: May 2009

I've noticed that people who get cancer are many times the foundation of a home or have been  under a lot of stress prior to diagnosis.   I was dealing with the death of my grandson, my daughter getting through it, and another crisis in the family. I've taken in Grandkids, in laws, and I also say, what the heck!  I'm such a giver in life and eat right, exercise, great jobs, wonderful friends and family. It's insane, trying to figure it out. 

 

Hang in there. 

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

The anniversary of my husband Hank passing is quickly approaching.  And I think every day how unfair this disease is to everyone, especially after losing a dear friend to OC this week.  I HATE CANCER, no one, no one should have to go through this.

 

K

 

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 4403
Joined: Feb 2009

I'm sorry that it has come to this.  It's hard when you try to do things right and then it goes wrong.  I've always been the one to eat salads every day and very few fried foods and my husband eats so worse and I'm the one who got cancer.  How does it seem fair - it isn't.  We just have to make the best possible of each and everyday and remember that we have left a mark in the world because we are who we are.  May God grace you and hubby with much love.

Kim

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