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"Just stay positive!"......and other annoying crap!

tasha_111's picture
tasha_111
Posts: 2039
Joined: Oct 2008

I get so bloody hosed off with platitudes!  How many times over this past couple of months have I Heard "Just stay Positive" ...or..."I will pray for you"....or     other rubbish .  maybe I am being *****y, hell, I don't care BUT people ARE capable of original thought.  Maybe they cannot be bothered for something as EVERYDAY as this, it just annoys the hell out of me!

Another one is... "It'll be alright".  well actually it won't!  get that?  Why does everyone have an opinion on this?  Especially people who have no right to have one?....

 

Rant over, just sick of hearing the same inane quotes all the time.

Hugs Tash xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

tufi000's picture
tufi000
Posts: 436
Joined: Jun 2005

Like maybe I should feel guilty cause I feel like crap but because others have it worse I have no right.

camul's picture
camul
Posts: 2003
Joined: Dec 2010

Sometimes I really like it when someone say 'that sucks' when They ask how I.am and I tell them.
Although I do like it when they pray for me!
But, I have walked away many times just thinking' did they not get what I just said'?
Just think some don't know what to say... and some days positive is just not part of my vocabulary, so I do get it!!

Do you feel any releif yet from the rads? Never thought I would look forward tongetting zapped, but it really helped the last 2 times and I am hoping that by next Friday, 5 days in I will get some releif!

Hugs back at ya,
Carol

camul's picture
camul
Posts: 2003
Joined: Dec 2010

:))

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7864
Joined: Aug 2005

"Yup, I'm POSITIVE I'm in deep s**t!!!"

IMHO what is REALLY being said is:  "Thank G*d it isn't happening to me!"

 

As humans (especially women...sorry, but true) we are programmed to try to make things right.  Sometimes, like with cancer, we fail miserably.  It is what it is.  I would bet a coffee, dearest, that none of those platitudes come from people that have already been smacked by the beast, cancer!!!

 

So....."keep on the sunny side of life"....and you will get skin cancer....*grin*

 

HUGS from someone who REFUSES to tell you to "Have a great day"  (THAT one immediately changes to "Have a great DANE", and then I picture them giving birth....*grin*)

 

Hugs, Kathi

fauxma's picture
fauxma
Posts: 3530
Joined: Dec 2008

I think that many people that have not had cancer and find out we do sincerely want to say something kind, caring, and uplifting so these platitudes pop out.  For us they begin to sound so cliche (sp).   when I would hear them I would answer them in my head, much like Kathi. here are some of my answers, You can use them in your head, actually say them, or ignore them.

Stay or be postive.     I am positive, positive I have cancer and positive you are just relieved it isn't you.

I'll keep you in my prayers.  While I personally like this one now it used to bother me so I used to think Well, as long as I have you with your direct line to God I will be fine.   (I respect that many are sincere in their religious beliefs and are only being kind others don't always share their beliefs or believe at all so this can be annoying to some)

You'll be alright.   Well, thanks I will cancel all my doctor's visits, treatment and rely on your diagnosis.

this list can go on and on and of course, I never said any of this.  Most of the time I realize that it was just a person who had no clue as to what I was going through, mentally, physically etc. trying to be kind.   The comments I most appreciated were a simply I am so sorry that you are going through this.  And I loved the friends and family who didn't ask what can I do to help but just brought a meal, sent a card, gave me a little gift and those that gave me a hug that wrapped me in their warmth.  One of the kindest things that happened during my journey was when I had a dental appointment.   I think I had to reshedule a visit because of treatment and told the receptionist why.  The next day flowers were delivered from my dental office and everyone had signed the card.  It was unexpected and I remember how much it touched my heart.   that and the first year I was here I missed the gift exchange and dear Chen sent me the most beautiful ornament.  those are the things that brightened my days.

So dear Tashs, I won't say it will be alright or to be positive or that I will keep you in my prayers.  I will say that I hope the rads help your pain and they keep the beast at bay.  

Stef

1surfermom's picture
1surfermom
Posts: 259
Joined: Mar 2009

I go back and forth on this issue. Im a pessimist by nature , but I honestly believe that all the stupid platatudes helped me.  I also liked it when I was  told I was in someones prayers, but only if it was genuine.When I hear comments about how strong I am and what a survivor I am I just want to hurl. Really, I'm not stronger than anyone else I just did what my doctors told me and let the chips fall where they may. I also truely believe that once you are diagnosed with cancer you are a survivor , so those who have passed have survived cancer as well. If you are a reader Barbara Erenricht (sp?) a breast cancer survivor wrote a book about the cult of positive thinking and how being positive really is no determination in outcomes. That being said I think I approached the whole ordeal as I might as well be postive for my own mental health. Sorry for the rant but I get where you are coming from. Love Surf

tufi000's picture
tufi000
Posts: 436
Joined: Jun 2005

I have heard these things from survivors as well.  We are raised to be "nice" and I think  many just do not know what to say or how to say what they feel

SIROD's picture
SIROD
Posts: 2116
Joined: Jun 2010

I think your 100% correct, some people just don't know what to say and are trying to say something nice.  

If you haven't been there, it is hard to say the right thing.  It is better than the people who try to ignore it.

Doris

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7864
Joined: Aug 2005

And I will be a bit direct at times and say, if I see someone obviously in the throws:  "If you don't mind me asking, are you doing ok?  I am a 2-cancer warrior, and can rather sense when someone is in the fight.  I just want you to know that you are not alone, there are many of us pulling for you, even those who are not as forward as I am to come up and speak to you."

This has never done me wrong...I have had some marvelous discussions with people....and we both walk away with information!

 

Hugs, kathi

tasha_111's picture
tasha_111
Posts: 2039
Joined: Oct 2008

All of your comments made me smile/laugh/think/feel guilty...etc etc etc.  This pain is eventually getting to the 'Unbearable' stage, and I am getting snarly and *****y as all hell.  Thanks all... you all actually REALLY helped me.  Doc has prescribed percocet now, I seem to be living hour to bloody hour on painkillers and I hate it!, I am so scared of narcotics and swore never to take them, now I find myself having to bend (at night only),  I hate what this is doing to my life.... Thinking I will drink myself into a stupor is no longer acceptable, I have to have something else.  I HATE taking pills! Thanks all, again, you reallu helped me tonight, I sure needed it     :(

 

New Flower
Posts: 3914
Joined: Aug 2009

Voltaren cream did help me as well as Lidoderm patches, especially along with pain killers. I hope radiation will help

hugs

New Flower
Posts: 3914
Joined: Aug 2009

Voltaren cream did help me as well as Lidoderm patches, especially along with pain killers. I hope radiation will help

hugs

sweetvickid's picture
sweetvickid
Posts: 436
Joined: Nov 2009

I had a number of people tell me I had such a good attitude.  I couldn't resist saying really?  this is the same attitide that used to piss you off?

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7864
Joined: Aug 2005

I am laughing soooooo hard.....because it's TRUE!!!

 

I posted on my Facebook page at one point a saying:  

"I don't need anger management, I just need people to stop pis*ing me off!!!!"

 

Thank you for the belly laugh today, dearest!!!!

 

Hugs, Kathi

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5257
Joined: Oct 2010

Vent away....

 

Some don't know what to say or not say-

I have a situtaion right now (not cancer) and when I say I am a realist they say stop being negitive...YOU just get to the point of ranting..I understand...

Denise

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7864
Joined: Aug 2005

I, too, have had that situation!!!!  

 

It's hard to 'keep on the sunny side of life'  when it's raining outside!!!

 

BIG hugs to you, dear one!!!

 

Hugs, Kathi

andi44's picture
andi44
Posts: 153
Joined: Jun 2013

Tasha,

I don't think people really know what to say to those who are sick or to someone who may be going thru something traumatic...It's the same when a loved one passes and people say those same things at the funeral...it'll be o.k., or your loved one is in a better place - how is being dead in a better place?  It's just what people say...

I guess I feel that at least someone cares enough to say something.  There are a few immediate co-workers that have never said or asked about me or what I went thru this past year...Which is worse, not saying anything or saying something generic?  My answer - not saying anything.  

Andi  

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5257
Joined: Oct 2010

I agree some dont' know what to say or just think it's best to not speak of "IT"...

 

Denise

sandra4611's picture
sandra4611
Posts: 121
Joined: Sep 2013

I'm new to this...BMX 2.5 weeks ago...but am so glad to hear your stories. Years ago I found out I was pregnant again at an "advanced" age. People around me started acting so strange, looked at me with panic in their eyes and started giving me things right away...almost like offerings to the gods that whatever I had wasn't catching. Later they seemed to feel guilty and began to stay away. I think it's happening again.

With cancer, I've noticed some friends seem to want me to make them feel better. They quiz me about ways I could have found out earlier, bring up things I might have eaten or done "wrong" that could have brought it on, then finish with the kinds of plattitudes you mentioned. Two of my best friends have stayed away...never visited me in the hospital (I was in for 11 days) or called. I've tried not to take it personally but failed.

Fortunately I have a psychologist who tells me that she deals with people like this all the time. They simply cannot be around people with serious illness and the things they say or actions they take have nothing to do with me. It's all to make themselves feel better.

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5257
Joined: Oct 2010

way back 5 yrs ago on a ride with my hubby-I must have been pouting about radition or something. HE said YOU really need to thing more posititive.

 

IF LOOKS could have killed...he would have been in trouble. I am upbeat person, worked daily while going through treatment (did it on my lunch hour) never missed a beat at home with household etc...I wanted to scream. I am not a complainer or expect sympathy-I said you should have a wife who is a complainer and whimp etc...MIND YOU  he never said that to me again...hehe lol

Denise

andi44's picture
andi44
Posts: 153
Joined: Jun 2013

I'm assuming you're still married to him?  Haven't I heard that men are the biggest babies?  That's why women are the ones that give birth -ha, ha, ha....I hope you gave it back to him when he was 'sick' - flu/cold or whatever...I'm so very sorry he aggrevated you...I'm glad you stood up for yourself - women are strong willed when we want/need be :)  

You have every right to complain, cry, or be angry about - anything in life...If mopping the floor makes you cry - so be it - cry...if taking tamoxifen makes you angry about cancer - be angry - and if having to go to work when you feel tired from treatments or just because - so be it - you are entitled to feel any way you want too - when you want too...don't let anyone tell you different...Andi :)~ 

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