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Struggling tonight

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

I am really struggling. With my anniversary on Sunday I am feeling like I can't breathe.  I miss David and his smile and his warm hand to hold mine.  I tried to be brave and not whine, but I am so tired.  I just keep wondering when it will get a little better.  Why was it that my husband was chosen to go to heaven so early?  Why couldn't I have some time with him.  Even one night in a hotel during our marriage.  I have two cards, dry flowers and one wall hanging that sums up all that I have from my time with David.  Excuse me for saying, but this sucks.  I know God had to be proud of how David responded to his illness and death, but I am not so sure what he thinks about me.

CivilMatt's picture
CivilMatt
Posts: 2873
Joined: May 2012

Vivian,

I am sorry you feel so low, I am much better at answering engineering questions then yours. Of course other than drugs or alcohol it just takes time to feel better (even drugs and alcohol are bad ideas).  It is just the finality and unfairness of it all which floods your thoughts.  If life was fair (so to speak) the world would be full of great people, but it is not fair and were not all great.

The closest thing I can relate to H&N and your feelings is the timeline for taste bud recovery.  It just takes time and one day you notice it is better.

By looks of your picture dancing, you do have more to remember David by.  You may not have years of memories, but you do have some important times together, you told us about them.

David would want you to be happy and so do I.

Matt

Tim6003's picture
Tim6003
Posts: 1490
Joined: Nov 2011

My bible says the same thing as yours....so I truly believe God thinks and sees you the same way ... with unconditional love....the same way you loved David is the same way God loves you tenfold. That's my stance :)

I can't possibly imagine how you feel, I have not lost a wife or child, I shudder to even write those words.....I did lose my father and brother two years ago within months of each other...but that pales in comparison to those on here who have lost the love of their life or a child.

I do pray for you (and others) each night....this Sunday the date of your anniversary I bet I know David would say how much he misses you, but please carry on and enjoy life....that is not going to happen soon....but over time you will, but of course always have a hole in your heart for David.

Best,

Tim

VanessaSLO's picture
VanessaSLO
Posts: 280
Joined: Jul 2012

Dear Vivian, you're in my daily prayers as I wish that you can see the light in the end of this dark and long tunnel you're in. After every rain there is a sun and I believe that for you too! It can't rain forever Smile!!

hwt's picture
hwt
Posts: 1854
Joined: Jun 2012

I think Matt said it best, one day it just starts getting better. I hope that day comes soon for you. Until then, you just have to continue putting one foot in front of the other and going through the motions. God bless

ToBeGolden's picture
ToBeGolden
Posts: 697
Joined: Aug 2010

Sorry I can't even respond to your posts in a timely maner. But here is a big virtual hug. It is the best I can do at the moment. Rick.

jim and i's picture
jim and i
Posts: 1569
Joined: May 2011

Words can't really help. Just know God loves you as you are and he understands how you miss your husband. You are in my prayers.

Debbie

Billie67's picture
Billie67
Posts: 834
Joined: Jul 2012

I haven't been able to get on here much lately but know that you are constantly on my mind. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. I totally agree with you, this sucks! You got totally jipped and quite frankly it's not fair! I wish I could make it so this would not be the case.
I think Matt is right, there is no real magical number but I do believe that one day it will just start to get easier and better for you. I pray that it won't be too long from now.
Sending you lots of hugs my friend.
Billie

Jan Trinks's picture
Jan Trinks
Posts: 456
Joined: Apr 2009

Vivian:

 

I so know how you feel.  It's been almost 3 years since I lost Charlie and he's still on my mind 24/7.  I miss him so much and always will.  And all these "firsts" you have coming up are always the hardest to get thru; but you will get thru them.  My father-in-law always asks when I visit them, is it any easier for you?  And I tell him I don't know that it's easier but you learn to go on because that's what he would have wanted.  And Vivian, God thinks the world of you and loves you unconditionally.  I truly understand the questioning of why and I believe God does too;  I don't know that the months of June, July, and August will ever be the same for me as June is our anniversary; July is our birthday (we had the same birthday!) and August is when he passed away.  You do think your world has ended that's only natural and your life is not the same, but remember, it just means life will be different and can still be good.  I'm so glad to see you are still with us.  I haven't posted in a while but I do keep up to see what's going on with everybody and this site will always be a blessing and comfort to me not to mention support.  Please feel free to pm me or give me a call or shoot me an e-mail if you like.  I will be happy to talk with you or e-mail you if you feel that's something you would like to do.  Try to keep your chin up and stay busy and I will be praying for you as you go thru these "firsts" without David.  And remember David may not be with you physcially but he's always with you in spirit.  I truly believe that and it is a big comfort.  God Bless!

 

Jan (Basketcase)

cureitall66's picture
cureitall66
Posts: 846
Joined: Aug 2012

It's tough I know, Vivian. I can't imagine all those thoughts that keep creeping into your mind.

When I think of you and David, I think of an Abraham Lincoln quote.....

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.”

So even though your years were cut short with David, you have to focus on what you gave to each other in that small amount of time you had with each other. Even though you had to deal with his illness during that time, you still managed to find that substance of love from it. Some never even get that in a lifetime. David taught you so much in that time he was here and I'm sure he wants you to hold onto that faith and he wouldn't want you to be sad. 

I hope and pray you feel some peacefulness soon. Remember David is with you in spirit and knows your hurting. Trust in God that you will get through all of this. 

Prayers for you,

Cris 

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