May 02, 2013 - 3:28 am
My daughter & son-in-law arrived about 8 this morning. We met with the Pulmonologist & the Pallative Care team. The chances for my husband's recovery are slim to none. Too many systems are failing at once. If he is to stay on the ventilator, he will eventually have a trach & live in a nursing facility, which I know he would not want. If the ventilator is removed, we will bring him home, Hospice will keep him comfortable, but his heart will give out, even with the pacemaker. And of course, there's the 24 hr. dialysis machine.
Although he can't communicate, he understands he can't breathe on his own & shakes his head no to removing the ventilator. He is still fighting & we asked the doctors to give him more time to at least try & recover. He understands some of what's happening and was so pleased to see our daughter, although I'm not sure he understands why she has come. His tube became blocked with phlegm tonight & just for a few seconds, he couldn't breathe(the nurse cleared it right away) & the look of sheer panic in his eyes was almost more than I could bear.
As I do for all of us, I am still hoping for that miracle. In my mind, I see the end, but my heart won't accept it. I've been with him for 41 years & part of me is dying. If this decision should fall to me, I just can't make it yet. Nor can I stand to see him suffering. He wants to know when he is going home & we promised him, no matter what, we would take him home.
I was so glad to see my daughter. I have not seen her in 4 years. As ill as she is, she made the trip to be with us. This is so very hard on her. My son is trying to be brave for all of us, but inside he's just a little boy watching his dad die.
Must get some sleep now.
Love to all of you.