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I'm drunk, my mom is dying of cancer, and I feel weak

Zmanstupid
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2013

I'm sorry for any spelling or gramer. Giving my personality, I had to get quite drunk to get in touch with my emotions on this matter. My mother is dying from melonoma that has infected her legs, abdamon, lungs, neck, and other parts. I am 22 years old and completely clueless. I know I should be spending every moment I can with her, but it hurts so very bad to see her like this. She is almost done with treatment but the tumors are still there, the doctors say she is going to pass in the year. I am so completely lost. My grandfather passed of old age last October and I feel like I am letting him down. I feel like I am failing his daughter, my mother, because I don't know what to do. As I write this I can't even stop crying long enough to wipe away the tears. I really hope that someone out there knows how to help a 22 year old man, who feels like he is still a child due to his (my) complete lack of skill in this area. It might help to note that in my life, I have done whatever I could to help other people get thru hardships in life. So I guess a large part of the issue is both having no idea what to do here, and that no one has come to my rescue like I've tried to do my whole life. I am really sorry if this all sounds selfish, but I am just so lost, alone, and hurting. If anyone knows how to help me be a better person for my mom, at least for how much time she has left, please help me figure it out. She has always been such a strong role model to me, when she had breast cancer, I was a freshmen in highschool and instead of worrying about her health, she worried about her family and work and got better. But I really have no idea now. She isn't acting strong, she isn't worrying about her job, she is just dying. And I really need help. I don't want to lose my mother, but then again who wants to lose a loved one, but on the same hand I don't want her to be in pain. I'd pray to God, but I am very angry with him for giving my mother cancer three times in her life. Sorry if I am rambling and selfish, and sorry for the drunken post. I just hurt very bad right now.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

Call hospice. They are the experts on helping the whole family deal with death and dying. It may be too early to actually get them involved in your mother's care, but they can suggest  support groups and other tools that are available in your area. Ask your mother's doctors what support is out there for both your mother and you. Also, try to just be there for your mom. She is still here. Don't throw away the now worrying about the future. I know that is not easy, but try. Remember, too, that no one knows what that future holds.  No one knows how long your mother will live, not even the dr.  Try to celebrate today. When my husband was dx., the literature said he had about 22 months. He made it for six years. What a blessing those six years were! We celebrated every birthday, Christmas, etc. knowing it might be his last. I can only guess how hard this is for one so young. It was hard for this grandma, but I know you can do it. We find that we are stronger than we think. Take care, find help, and don't be so hard on yourself. Do what your heart tells you is right. Hugs, Fay

mr steve
Posts: 286
Joined: Sep 2009

Zman,

22 or 2, it is hard when a love is ill. the feelings you have are "normal" I have been angry at everyone, God included. As you come to grips with the prognoses you will also come to grips with your feelings. Show your mom how well she raised you by being strong. you will still have the crying bouts but you need to find a place where you can cry yourself out. Tell her you love her every day.

Steve

 

kdb1433's picture
kdb1433
Posts: 15
Joined: Apr 2013

I love the advice Fay gave..very heart felt and the honest truth. As being 24 years old dealing with the same thing, Docs gave my Mom a few months to live, there is not a second in my mind that doesn't think this can't be true it's not allowed to happen this way why did God do this?..but there Docs that say that, there not God. They don't know what tomorrow can bring and the best thing to do is be there every second you can for your Mother..I'll tell you a little about my personal experience it sucks more than hell, my Mom wanted me to finish college and go back to school work towards getting my degree so I got accepted to a school and that was my plan for however long it would take..then my Mom was diagnosed, I had to deal with that going to a new school not knowing anyone in a new environment that I knew nothing about living out on my own for the first time, boy was that the hardest thing ever..I wanted to throw in the towel immediately and leave it all to be with my Mom I would've given anything to be with her everyday BUT knowing it would make her happy to see me succeed and do well thats why I never gave up..every chance I get I spend with my Mom life is too short not to and you have to cherish every moment take advantage of that time right now..your Mom is still here but won't be forever and its soo difficult and gets very emotional but I know your Mom would feel nothing more than happy knowing your there for her, it's the little things that count overall 

spacegeek33
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2013

I've developed an alcohol problem while trying to drown myself away from reality. Don't end up like me!

pegalina
Posts: 42
Joined: May 2013

Dear Zmanstupid, I lost my father when I was 19..I told him everything..I'm 48 rite now..my husband passed away 2 months ago umpiring a baseball game..I have 2 sons 15 & 18..now listen to me..I know the pain & hurt my boys feel..because I felt it @ 19..I wasnt close to my mother..very close to my dad..I have to ask you a personal question..& dont jump down my throat..Who were you closer to..mom or dad?..you answer this truthfully..& I will help you..dont answer me..well who do u think?..I swear to God..who had your back..which parent was always there for you?..I'm talking sporting events or whatever..maybe u were 1 of the lucky ones that had 2 parents backing you up..but in reality of life..that is not reality..who was your go to parent?

pegalina
Posts: 42
Joined: May 2013

I shouldn't have asked who your go to parent was..very sorry..you are having so many feelings rite now..but I see a lot of guilt feelings..you never mention your father..so either its u & your mom..or maybe you have a sibling or 2..idk & I'm sorry for passing judgement..all I do know is I can help you get thru this..I'm sure a lot of people tell you this..but does anyone have a background like me..going thru cancer..then the 3 grandparents alive..die within 6 months of each other..then my husband dies on a baseball field..please write me back..Love, Peg

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