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Am I just crazy, dumb, or what?

mom2greatkids's picture
mom2greatkids
Posts: 513
Joined: Jun 2011

Hi Ladies,

 

I have scans this upcoming Wed. (march 6). I am SO scared.  I've had 4 rounds of doxil after first recurrence.  (approx. 7 months remission).  I changed drs. after 3 rounds of cistplatin/taxol.  Scans after those showed mild growth in the nodes.  My new medical onc. did not think the costplatin/taxol was the right regiment for me.  Anyway, I am scared the scans are going to show this beast going crazy.  Why do I do this every time?  I feel well.  I am substitute teaching.  Appetite is great.  (sometimes I think it's too good).  My vitals are good.  Bowels and everything are working great. 

 

Tonight I watched a webinar about recurring ovca.  Of course the dreaded stats were put up. I try to never look at those things.  (I'm stage 3C clear cell).  Anyway, I saw those grim stats and thought Oh no!  I only have a year,maybe if I'm lucky two years left.  I hate it when I do this.  Do any of you do these things?  I know that we're all so different.  No one can predict what will or will not happen in the future.  Perhaps part of my problem is the fact that two friends with ovca are just about at the end of the battle.  One is not responding to chemo, it's in her liver.  They are giving her a few months only.  Another friend is now on hospice after a 7 year battle. 

 

I hate feeling this way. Every twinge, bump, bruise, anything, I'm like Oh no!  it's spreading like crazy.  Wish I wouldn't do this. 

I wanted to come vent at the one place where I know everyone truly understands.

 

Thanks, 

 

Carla

 

 

 

kikz's picture
kikz
Posts: 1277
Joined: Jun 2010

Or I am crazy, dumb and whatever, too.  I had a petscan on Tuesday and was concerned about the prospect of my tumor growing.  Well, it hasn't much but they found a second tumor.  I wasn't even thinking about that.  I am just a step away from chemo because the new tumor is in a place where it can cause problems with my other organs.   

This disease wreaks havoc with our whole being.  I am surprised we don't all go mad before the cancer has a chance to kill us.  I am so sick of the whole thing.  I am tired of being strong, positive and hopeful.  But as we know, it is here and for most of us it is not ever going to leave us alone.

I haven't even told people about the latest news unless they have asked.  I am sick of being cancer girl.  I am sure I have become something people do not want to think about.  I usually have someone come with me to important appointments but this time I went alone.  I am even planning on going to chemo by myself if I indeed need it.  I just don't want to impose my disease on anyone else any longer.  I will probably have to eat those words if I get sick or weak but if possible I am going to handle it myself.

I don't think I am much help to you Carla.  I am fed up and scared, too.  I have been having the "what's the point" attitude for a while now.  My recurrence began last April and geez how much can a person take?  Many of you are asking the same question.

I am praying for good news for you with your upcoming scan.  Please know that you all mean so much to me.  Without you I would most certainly feel alone.  No one can possibly understand what we are going through.  I keep so many feelings to myself and put up a brave front.  But half the time I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.  

I am having a hot flash right now thatnks to the meds that are my last ditch effort before chemo re-enters my life.  You know how people say that when you go through something you know what to expect the next time?  I told my son, I have been through chemo so I know what it is like.  That is why I don't want to do it again.  

SHANNON1231's picture
SHANNON1231
Posts: 53
Joined: Nov 2012

I too am constantly feeling like I can feel my cancer growing. I feel like I'm driving myself crazy most of the time. But then sometimes i'm just going with the flow of life and try not to think about it too much. We will never be the same, and its hard to accept that. I am so sorry about your friends and their suffering. It is heartbreaking to hear. I pray your scan comes up clear. I had a reoccurance after only 4 months and while on a low dose of Taxol. Hoping this new drug Dalanercept starts working, but i think I am having ascites and am afraid its helping my tumors spread. I think Doxil may be next for me also. Its not easy to stay positive under these horrible conditions and I understand how you feel, but you are right and everyone is different and has different outcomes. Best of luck Carla!

lovesanimals's picture
lovesanimals
Posts: 1267
Joined: Sep 2011

What you're feeling is so normal.  It's been almost two years since the end of my chemo and at my last checkup last week, my oncologist said I now only have to get checkups twice a year instead of four times a year.  You'd think I'd be jumping up and down for joy.  Truly, I'm grateful.  However, my first reaction was nervousness because it means my CA 125 is only going to be checked twice a year now.  I'm lucky to be stage 2b and currently NED (no evidence of disease) but my cancer is also grade 3 (poorly differentiated) which is the worst grade.  I didn't mind going to the oncologist every three months.  I try to enjoy and appreciate each day but at the same time, a day doesn't go by that I don't think about the fact that I actually had cancer.  I think the fact that your two friends are at the end of their ovarian cancer journey is no doubt contributing to your feelings of fear and anxiety. 

Vent away any time.  We're here for you!

Hugs,

Kelly

lulu1010's picture
lulu1010
Posts: 367
Joined: Feb 2011

I want you to know that your feelings are very normal. I do believe that if we can fight it long enough there may  be better drugs developed. And I do know that we are all different and some people are able to fight it for years. I am gettng better about planning little things in the future. But with that said, I not only worry about it every day, I worry about it on and off all day. I think we all do. I just hope that we can all put it on the back burner enough to enjoy life and pray they hurry up and find a cure. Blessings!

Linda

Alexandra's picture
Alexandra
Posts: 1246
Joined: Jul 2012

I sincerely hope that your scans tomorrow turn out good and your next post would be about how all the worrying was for nothing.

Best wishes and hugs,

Alexandra

 

azgrandma's picture
azgrandma
Posts: 577
Joined: Feb 2010

You do not have an expiration sign on you, so please do not give up hope. there is hope for all of us. I will say some prayers for you honey. Start reading the scriptures and trust God to help you , he will . I am praying angels come and give you comfort God bless you

Glad to be done's picture
Glad to be done
Posts: 558
Joined: Jul 2012

Hi Carla

I hope all went well with your scans today..  Please let us know as soon as you hear anything

Glad to be done's picture
Glad to be done
Posts: 558
Joined: Jul 2012

And by the way Carla -  You are not feeling any different than any of us do prior to a scan or even a ca 125 test.....  You are not crazy.. We are not crazy...

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