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My anger is overwhelming

Vee1
Posts: 59
Joined: Nov 2012

Hi All,
I'm a caregiver. Lost husband to unk. primary cancer/metastasis to bones when he was 39 (about 18 years ago). Experienced subsequent cancer care situations with a friend (prostate) and my Dad, (prostate, SqC--floor of mouth 2002 and recurrence now). Tuesday is mask-fitting day. 1st time for rads. Dad is 94.

So, throughout all this, I had forgotten how ANGRY cancer makes me.

And, boy, that anger is so real. I actually feel guilty for being so angry since I am not the one fighting the disease.

I am humbled when I read that some people learn to accept their cancer as a part of them. Me? I am just angry that cancer removes normalcy and puts such fear into people and simply is hard to fight. I think (hmmmm....know???) my anger is fear.

I just hate this disease so, so much.

Asking God to soften my heart. Asking for strength to help.

I thank you all for listening...
V

Skiffin16's picture
Skiffin16
Posts: 8058
Joined: Sep 2009

Vee, I'm very sorry for the exposure and involvement that you have had during your life due to cancer, and once more to be involved.

It is what it is unfortunaely....

Anger is good for venting and fighting, but overall it's not really healthy.

Acceptance that we have or had cancer is I think better for the long term fight.

Be mad at it, hate it, but accept it for what it is, and beat it at it's own game...

Don't let it own you, or consume you....

Best,
John

CivilMatt's picture
CivilMatt
Posts: 2866
Joined: May 2012

Vee1,

For me being angry takes to much energy, you have to work at being angry and I am just not built that way. For sure definitely without a doubt I was upset, but what good does it do me to be angry. I was unfortunate, unlucky and it really sucked, but who is to blame? Of course I am looking at the cancer in a positive light (I should get better). I know someone very well who is continually angry and she exhausts me. As long as I feel good, I don’t think about the cancer. When I had dinner today with my parents and a few siblings I wish I could taste the food better, but was happy to be there. If I had a sit down discussion with you about our mutual hate for cancer we might be in total agreement, but to take it out beyond discussion (to me) means cancer is winning and I’ll be damned if I am going to give this beast a leg up on me.

Stay (more) happy, not angry,

Matt

hwt's picture
hwt
Posts: 1843
Joined: Jun 2012

Sorry to hear what your father is going to have to go through. I will keep him in my prayers. It makes me very sad but it is what it is. I have an occasional meltdown but, for the most part, try to appreciate the good things in life. You certainly have the right to be angry but don't let it take away time that you now have with your father.

Tim6003's picture
Tim6003
Posts: 1490
Joined: Nov 2011

to me you show a tremendous amount of wisdom and inner strength just to be able to come to the conclusions you have. Your exposure to the "beast" is deep and it has affected the closest to you, a husband and now dad!

I am most impressed with the fact that the human side of you says "ask God to soften my heart" ...so many can't or won't do that, which of course I cast no stones, I can understand.

I lost my Dad (73) and my only and oldest brother (49) last year to cancer, within 3 months of each other. Then I was diagnosed that same year in November with stage III base of tongue. Having five young children ages 2-14 it was VERY hard for me to tell them "Dad had cancer" ..in their experience they just lost their "Pa" and "Uncle Dennis" who they truly loved, of course in their minds they are now going to lose their dad.

I don't know the future, my 14 year old daughter is still at times angry about the whole situation (at God) but I have refused to ask why me (not that I deserve any medals for that) and I told her if I die with cancer, so be it. If I survive cancer so be it. God has been good to us our entire lives, I will not now cast Him out and be angry with Him just because things don't go as we would like. Do I get afraid, worried, frustrated, you bet. Am I the strongest at all times in every way, not hardly. But it does not change the fact that God loves us and cares for us even in our worst hour. Why the horrible suffering and why the loss of loved ones so dear I will never be able to answer that...but one day He will and I will certainly ask. :) I will do all I can humanly possible to live many good years on this earth to care for my wife and children and the rest I will simply have to put in His hands. What else can I do?

I have learned sooooo much from this cancer and I have met and interacted with so many people...I have and will work very hard to offer help when I can and prayer all I can to whomever crosses my path. My heart is sooooo much more differet now than it ever was......could that be the very reason I have been through heck and back?? I don't know.

Thank you for your frank and honest post. It's those kind of posts that I believe help so many and show us that we are not alone. I truly love this online family of ours, I'm sure I irritate some and don't always say the best things, but I hope each person knows I mean well and in my heart I would never on purpose do anything to hurt one of my online family.

Best to you ...and your father continues to be in my prayers....it hurts my heart to see such a seasoned man of his years have to endure what he is having to or going to endure. I pray of course this will pass him by.

Tim

luv4lacrosse's picture
luv4lacrosse
Posts: 1376
Joined: Jul 2010

Although it is just me with the C, it has to be harder on the loved ones around me. I am 48, getting my last kid through college and my wife and I are supposed to be enjoying the empty nesters club, and BAM a recurrance hits and drops a big bomb on our plans.

I am angry, depressed, confused, ETC. and finally am seeing a Psychiatrist who only sees patients with cancer. he put me on an anti-depressant, but in all reality, unless I wake up and look at life as the glass being half full VS half empty, the meds do not work. I struggle everyday with looking for a reason why the glass is half full VS half empty??

I am sitting here right now getting chemo in a room with 6 others, and by looking at them, I would appear to be in the best shape, and still find nothing good about my situation.

let's hope tomorrow's CT scan gives me a reason to see the glass as Half Full.

Best!!

Mike

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1176
Joined: Apr 2009

First of all, my hubby is angry. Not so much at the cancer, but at the many medical mistakes that he has experienced throughout his life and at coming yet again to another crossroad and not knowing exactly which way to go. This one will decide if he lives or dies.

I think I mostly feel despondent, defeated, & dead inside. For those of you who do well with antidepressants, I commend you. When my daughter was diagnosed 4 years ago, my GP(who I visit once a year for BP meds) offered to give me something for depression, I declined. A pill won't make her cancer go away & a pill won't make hubby's cancer go away.

I have learned to live one day at a time with no further expectations, except those filled with medical decisions and financial obligations. I have not had a relationship with a higher being in over 35 years. For those of you who believe that your higher being is with you, watching over you, I envy you that love. I don't believe I've ever had a single prayer answered. It is my belief that hell is here on earth. That being said, it is not my intention to infringe on the beliefs of others.

I'm just putting my two cents worth in here and hope nobody minds.

Luv,

Wolfen

ToBeGolden's picture
ToBeGolden
Posts: 697
Joined: Aug 2010

It is so very sad: There is no means by which patients can provide constructive criticism back to the medical community. No wonder the medical community cannot learn. Rick.

fisrpotpe's picture
fisrpotpe
Posts: 1322
Joined: Aug 2010

V

I would bet everyone here would say the same things you have share and some in not so cleanly.... :-)

i believe " cancer sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

That's how we all win this fight, we take that energy and put it into the fight! it is going to take so much positive mental attitude enforcement from you towards and with your father to kick cancers ass. the fighter fallows the caregivers attitude so much that it is normally the way they head with the fight.

time to stand tall and strong. time to believe he will win and he will win. time to hold all your negative thoughts to us and everyone other than your father. time to take your energy and anger, bundle it up and use it to carry your father thru the treatment ride to hell and back.

Positive Mental Attitude will help your father too never, never, never give up!

time to take these stories of survivorship and share with him, if we can do it and survive he can do the same.

we are all here to answer any questions, support you and your father unconditional and more import we are here to listen!

HOPE is what is here and Hope is what is needed to win fight and most of all HOPE is what you will get here.

hugs and prayers going out not only for your father but for his daughter and family along with his doctors.

always be upbeat and smile when around your dad

john

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