Nov 24, 2012 - 4:04 pm
Well I got past my first Thanksgiving without my mother. She passed away this past June from bladder cancer at the age of 55 leaving me (28) and my younger brother and sister (25). My sister has Autism. I swear during the whole summer I felt dead inside. There's no other way for me to put it. I haven't worked since June 4, 2012. I literally had to be coached out of bed at first. No sleep, didn't eat, I had completely lost it. Thankfully I seemed to be making some kind of progression because I started my PhD program this past August and my mother told me before she died she wanted me to go to school in the fall. But lately, since my birthday in Oct and with the holidays here I've just been feeling really down yall. Nothing is the same and it never will be. People treat me like I have some kind of social leprosy. They stare at you like you're some kind of exotic animal in a glass menagerie seemingly like they're waiting for you to crack. But then others in their misguided attempts to make you feel better only make it worse when they say all kinds of crazy stuff to you. I don't know, I hope that these people mean no harm and are just trying to 'help' although they don't know how, I have to believe that. So Thanksgiving at my aunts house was different to say the least. She has custody of my sister now and my brother lives here with her too, but it's not home. These pictures on the wall are not of us and our memories. I know my aunt is doing the best she can and she's trying, after all she lost her oldest living sister too and I don't want to negate that fact either. But it just feels like we're going through the motions. I haven't been able to stop crying lately and I'm afraid I'm going to slip back into that haze I was in this past summer, and I can't afford for that to happen. I'm going to seek out a new therapist when I return home to DC this week with the hopes she wont just throw medicine at me. They say the first holdiay season is the worst, so it'll only get more bearable from here on out, right? God I hope so because I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. Thank you all for reading, just trying not to hold everything in all the time.