Oct 22, 2012 - 12:27 pm
You have been here for me from that awful day one of learning I had anal cancer. I needed and felt your support immediately. You prepared me and told me what to expect. You told me the ravages treatment would take on my body, and you offered suggestions of healing remedies to burns, itching, pain...you name it. You have me your love, encouragement, and support.
I will never be able to thank you enough. One day I want to be of some help to others. At times, I don't know what I would have done without this forum. No family member came to see me (they live and hour and a half away). My neighbors helped me tremendously, and I am very grateful to them as well. At times though, I got very lonely, as I have no partner. The folks of this site though became my family by caring what happened to me and what I was going through.
Treatment ended Oct. 8, two weeks ago. As soon as I think I might be on the mend, I seem to have a setback. Also, I worked during the weeks of treatment and continue to work (I work from home; I could never have made it to an office).
I'm having trouble dealing with my emotions right now. I know working has worn me out. It's a long story, but I had a very good reason for continuing to work. My company was bought by another company in the middle of this thing...bad time to be out of work.
So...I know I'm tired. How long will this tiredness last? Is it still from the chemo and radiation and what it did to my body? I'm just now realizing what a toll it has taken.
Also, I'm happy treatment is over, and I don't back until December. I'm scared. I have battled depression most of my life and have a successful career, nice home, ect. Only now have I realized how previous life is. I don't want to be worried, depressed, and scared. It seems though as if there is a fork in the rood ahead of me...one to joy and happiness, the other with depression and fear.
I want to take the "happy" road, but the other one is a "comfort zone" of mine.
I don't know...I'm rambling...I want to get my fighting spirit back. I want to fight this this and not live in fear. I want to reach out to others because so many have reached out to me.
I know it takes time and I'm still healing in my mind, body, and soul. I just want to take that happy road this time. I think too that I'm now very much afraid of being alone. I've never been good at meeting people. Now I have both HIV and anal cancer...I feel like "damaged goods."
Sorry to go about so much for so long.
Gog bless you all.