Oct 21, 2012 - 5:06 am
We had a private gravesite service for David on Thursday--family only. We have a large family so it wasn't a real small gathering. We buried David in a small pioneer cemetery out in the country, up on a hill, under a huge oak tree, only a few feet away from his best friend, my closest friend's son, who was killed in a car accident when he and David were both thirteen years old---16 years ago.
When we pulled up to the cemetery and I saw David's flower-covered pine coffin sitting there, with a man on a backhoe discreetly waiting off in the distance, I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I didn't think I could get out of the car. I cried out, "God, help me!" and I finally made it out of the car. My poor family was so brokenhearted for me, for David, for their loss. It was so terrible, but our pastor spoke so well and he helped us a lot. He's been our family's close friend since before we had any kids, and he knew David all of David's life. He wept while he did the service--he could barely get the words out. I appreciated the fact that he loved and misses David too.
Today we had a memorial service for David. I made a short video of a bunch of clips of David making shot after shot of baskets in a basketball game. It's on my Facebook page in my video section, page four. We had a slideshow of pictures from David's life, from birth right up to the month before his death. We also had an amazing video clip from a church service where our pastor did an interview with David right after David was diagnosed with the recurrence. It was absolutely heart wrenching to see that video. David was so incredibly brave and optimistic, yet realistic about what his future was going to be. Even so, he was smiling and even joking around a little in that video. The church was totally packed out for David's service and you could hear so many people sobbing so hard during that video and also during the slideshow.
Our pastor spoke and he shared such a good message that we all felt a measure of comfort. I'm glad that David is free from his suffering and I know he's in a better place, but the depth of my grief is almost consuming me. I'm such a foolish person. I thought that I had done so much grieving before David actually died that I thought I would be sad but okay when David died. Well I'm not okay and I don't know if I will ever be okay ever ever ever again in my lifetime. Everyone says it takes time and I will feel better. But.....I don't want to feel better. I don't want to recover. I want to lie on that hill on David's fresh grave and cry until I die too. But I have three other heartbroken kids and four grand kids that still need me so I have to pull myself together and I need to be strong for them.
Our church had a really nice buffet luncheon after the service for everyone. There were so many people, so much food, so many flowers and cards, so many people hugging me.... It really touched my heart and comforted me that so many people loved David.
So now....what? What do I do? What do I fight for, pray for, work for? I get up and...what? No pills to give, no bed to change, no sweet face to kiss, no hand to hold. It's over and I am lost.
My nephew who went through a terrible struggle of his own told me that for now, all I should attempt to do is live one day at a time. When I get up, only have one goal---just to make it through that one day. Nothing more than that. I think that's what I will do. Just get through one day at a time.
Thank you for reading this. Connie, momsworld, any moms who have lost their children...how are you surviving? How do you get through the day? I need help from you.
Love and blessings,