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Cannot get rid of this nagging fear.

Carolyn33's picture
Carolyn33
Posts: 13
Joined: Oct 2012

Hi everyone, I am new to this site. I signed up here because I am really struggling with fear. I was diagnosed with invasive ductal adeno and opted for a mastectomy. Stage 1, Grade 2, E pos, P pos, Her2 pos (triple positive). No lymph nodes were positive. Micro mets were negative. I did 4 rounds of DC and H. I am currently just doing H (Herceptin) every 3 weeks. My problem is that I have a fluctuating dread that I am going to die from this; that the cancer will spread. Then, in my insanity, I obsess over the thought that putting fear out into the universe will create a recurrence. I know. You are probably reading this and thinking "this chick is nuts". Fear does that to me. I have managed to hang on to some of my sense of humor. I would love any words of wisdom and experience. Thank you in advance, Carolyn

salls41's picture
salls41
Posts: 340
Joined: Apr 2012

I know I certainly thought all that and more. Still do sometimes! It is natural because cancer kills...but as you will see from this site, btw welcome! you found the best place possible for help, love and support, anyway you will meet many survivors. Some are pretty long term! Others are like you and just beginning the horrible trek down BC lane. Others have completed treatment and are trying to figure out how to live "normally" again. It is so difficult to go from living life and doing daily routines to being dx with CANCER. It is the only thing we hear. Then the treatment itself almost kills some of us! Depression kicks in. And then one day, treatment is over, the sun come out and the doc gives us positive news! And for some if the news isn't as positive as we hoped, we don't give up! Because there is always hope. So try now to think about the many many millions of women who are survivors and stop thinking about those that weren't. Odds are on your side.
Good luck and God Bless
Sandy

lynn1950's picture
lynn1950
Posts: 2573
Joined: Jun 2008

You are not nuts, you are a cancer survivor! As treatment wound down I became obsessed with fear and it ran my life for a while. With counseling, Yoga, meditation, medication and time the fear has been tamped down. Oh, it's still there and jumps out to say "boo" every once and a while, especially when it's time for a checkup. Hang in there. It does get better! xoxoxo Lynn

survivorbc09
Posts: 4378
Joined: Jun 2009

No, you are not nuts. Or if you are, we all are! You've expressed the way that all of us feel, maybe deep down, but, we all understand. The good news is that with time, you will start feeling mentally better and the fear will not be so constant.

It's important to live your life, live it to the fullest and not let cancer ruin that.

Hugs and it will get better,

Jan

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5520
Joined: Oct 2010

so sorry you fear...it's a terriable feeling-as you know..

Have you tried a therapist at the cancer center. I spoke to social worker or some kind of counselor which was very helpful...and used a journal daily..also in hind sight helpful.

Denise

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5520
Joined: Oct 2010

so sorry you fear...it's a terriable feeling-as you know..

Have you tried a therapist at the cancer center. I spoke to social worker or some kind of counselor which was very helpful...and used a journal daily..also in hind sight helpful.

Denise

hope4thebest's picture
hope4thebest
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2012

Welcome Carolyn,
Maybe a local mtg in your area? I have found that helpful. It is very comforting to see other people of all ages, in all stages of this illness. The fear is just kicking in with me, I am only 1.5 years out from dx and I can relate to your feelings. I keep active and that makes me feel like a am promoting good health.
Maybe a weekend away from your home environment? I was lucky enough to go to Cambodia between my surgeries. It was an intense trip that removed me from thinking about cancer. Sure, I had other fears, like getting lost... Or running into a big spider!! but it was a great distraction.
Keep your humor up with movies, or whatever works. Laughter is powerful.
Take care,
Annie

VickiSam's picture
VickiSam
Posts: 8507
Joined: Aug 2009

it does get better in time .. does this feeling go away entirely .. no! However,
the sky's look a little brighter, the grass a little greener, so we plan
to attend a party, or book a vacation -- and start to live each and every day to its fullest.

It takes time ... Breast cancer is a life altering disease -- no question about
this.

Strength, Courage and HOPE for a Cure.

Vicki Sam

Heatherbelle's picture
Heatherbelle
Posts: 1224
Joined: Jun 2010

Your fear and thoughts are completely normal after a cancer diagnosis. I still struggle with it, and I am 2 years post treatment.
xoxo
heather

lowenjuls
Posts: 18
Joined: Jul 2012

Dear Carolyn, You are not nuts and you are not alone! My last Herceptin treatment is 16 October. I've been going every three weeks for a year now. I felt lost and scared and confused, still do although less often. I am not a ball of positivity or humor but I am slowly coming back to life and slowly starting to feel sunshine, see the stars, laugh a little. Don't be too hard on yourself, one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. You have been through the worst of it. Hang in there sister!

Carolyn33's picture
Carolyn33
Posts: 13
Joined: Oct 2012

Thank you everyone who replied. I am learning how much it helps to come to boards like this one. One of the attractions to this website is everyone seems to have an intact sense of humor! I love that. I would rather laugh than cry or be afraid any day. Thank you all for helping me. xo Carolyn

Carolyn33's picture
Carolyn33
Posts: 13
Joined: Oct 2012

Thank you everyone who replied. I am learning how much it helps to come to boards like this one. One of the attractions to this website is everyone seems to have an intact sense of humor! I love that. I would rather laugh than cry or be afraid any day. Thank you all for helping me. xo Carolyn

kacee999
Posts: 110
Joined: Oct 2012

Talk to your doctor. This is not uncommon. Many people through fear lapse into depression. There are many options to treat it. Ask your doctor if an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) might give you some relief. There is NO nead to go through this in a constant state of dread and anxiety.

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4630
Joined: Feb 2004

Nah I'm thinking I'm a lot like this chick! ;-) What you are feeling is super normal, recurrence is scary but let me tell you as one who has had recurrence it is also survivable! I tend to think of my fear as a way to keep myself alive, a self imposed be on the look out so to speak. It keeps me on my toes and aware of my body so that if anything seems wrong I run to the doctor. It will relent as time passes, your dx sounds like the odds are good for you to do super well!

Hugs,

RE

laughs_a_lot's picture
laughs_a_lot
Posts: 1369
Joined: Mar 2011

You are having a normal reaction to your situation. Your breast just declared war on you. It is like having a traitor in your body. That will knock anyones psyche for a loop. Now for the good news.

You caught it early. There were no nodes involved. Not all of us were so lucky. Many of us not as lucky people are still here. I would say that though this is scary, the fear will lessen over time. Just keep reading and see how many of us are living our lives despite our diagnosis. Keep living and thumb your nose at this nasty cancer.

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