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Trying to keep going

HootieGirl's picture
HootieGirl
Posts: 85
Joined: Feb 2011

Hi ladies!

Wish I had better news to write y'all. I am out of the hospital which is one good thing, but am still in so much pain. That was without a doubt the toughest surgery I have ever had. I've never been in so much pain in my life. Things are getting easier day by day though. I just have to remember to be patient. The unfortunate news is that I saw my radiation oncologist today. I had a ct scan done for my preop so that my neuro surgeons could plan the surgery and my radiation oncologist looked at it today. I was told that I have 7 tumors in both of my lungs and there aren't really any treatment options. The only option is to do chemotherapy, but since my tumor has never responded to chemo, its a less than 5% chance that it will do anything.

I'm trying to decide whether I should do anything or just live out the rest of my time enjoying my friends and family and enjoying life. Quality of life has always been so important to me. I don't know if I can go through losing my hair again because I just felt so ugly and so not 'me' in addition to being so sick and feeling terrible. Back in March I was told that my disease had become terminal, but I refused to accept that and decided that there was no way I was going to lose this fight. Now that it has spread to my lungs, I am faced with the reality that this really is terminal. I feel so incredibly hopeless. I don't know how I'm supposed to come to terms with the fact that I'm 21 and I'm dying and there is nothing I can do about it. I know people say miracles happen all the time and I am one of those believers, but at the end of the day I have to be honest with myself and accept the fact that sometimes there isn't always a happy ending. I have quite a bit of time to decide about chemo since my spine has to be completely healed before I begin any kind of treatments.

I just don't really know how you go on living your life knowing that you're going to die. This is so incredibly difficult. I hate the hurt I am causing my friends and family. I hate that every time I feel like things are starting to turn around, something bad happens. I wish I understood God's master plan and why all of this is happening. I am just so devastated. Please continue to pray because I know that regardless of treatments, prayer is one thing that always works. I will continue to keep you ladies in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for all of your kindness and support.

Kat

New Flower
Posts: 3982
Joined: Aug 2009

I am very sorry for this hardship. You have been an inspiration to many, including myself. Please do not loose hope. I had my PET/CT on Tuesday and seeing my doc tomorrow
In June my PET showed 8 bone lesions. I am hopeful.

Kat,
please read this post
http://csn.cancer.org/node/242456
There is no right and wrong choices in this fight. Not all Chemo drugs for stage IV cancer cause hair loss and other awful SE. The variety of chemo for stage IV much lager, and some new drugs are easier.
Hugs
New Flower

salls41's picture
salls41
Posts: 340
Joined: Apr 2012

O Kat I am so sorry you are dealing with this. What a special special young woman you are. You have my thoughts and prayers. No one knows what they would feel faced with what you have been faced with. You are so incredibly strong! As you said you have time to decide and who knows what may happen between now and that time! You ask how do you live life knowing you are going to die? We are all going to die Kat. We all know we are going to die... no one lives forever. Don't dwell on when you will die, dwell only on the day you have. No one is promised tomorrow..with or without cancer. You have all of us here to listen to you when you need to vent, when you need to rejoice..You are so loved..I hope you feel my arms around you now. God Bless!
Sandy

Ritzy's picture
Ritzy
Posts: 4384
Joined: Aug 2009

It is hard to even know what to write to you. This is not the news I had prayed to read from you. You have always been an inspiration to all of us. You are so young, so amazing, such a fighter! Reading your post just breaks my heart and it is just not fair, not at all.

I will be praying for a miracle Kat, a miracle for you. You have to keep fighting, you have to continue to live your life to the fullest. That is you! That is what you, alone, have taught each and every one of us. If we all could just be a little like you, we would all be better pink sisters, women, human beings. I don't think you know how much you've touched all of our lives Kat.

We are all here for you! Please post as often as you need to and please keep us updated.

Love you Kat and I am praying as hard as I can,

Sue :(

Ritzy's picture
Ritzy
Posts: 4384
Joined: Aug 2009

double posted, so, that means double my prayers for you!

MAJW
Posts: 2515
Joined: May 2009

All of this sucks big time! But please don't lose hope.....take and enjoy each and every day...and do what you have to do to get through the day...or the hour...hopefully the pain will lesson, sooner rather than later..it's hard when pain colors our thinking....and makes it hard to make decisions when in pain....you may want to rethink chemo as it could make you stable and stable is a good thing....I understand the not wanting to lose your hair again...I'm bald again....but it's a small price to pay...you're very dear to all of us....

I wish you the best and prayers for you...
Hugs, Nancy

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5334
Joined: Oct 2010

I am thinking of you...so sorry going through this...

I heard once "GUILT' or feeling bad is if you intentially hurt someone...when you have no control there should be not guilt. So dont' feel guilt for hurting those who love you...I will keep you in my thoughts

Denise

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

I will have to post more to you later Kat as it is hard to type thru my tears...

xo

Clementine_P's picture
Clementine_P
Posts: 363
Joined: Feb 2011

This is really incredibly unfair (and that may be the understatement of the year). I can't think of words to adequately express my feelings. You are a bright star and a wonderful young lady. I wish some sort of unexpected miracle happens and you go back into remission immediately. I will continue to hope for nothing but this miracle for you. You have really dealt with this situation with nothing but grace and poise. We could all take a page out of your book in this regard. Whatever decision you end up making regarding your treatment will be the right decision for you.

My thoughts are with you,
Clementine

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3294
Joined: Oct 2009

You've got everything and anything that you need from me. Prayers, hope, support, love and lots of hugs Kat!

Positive thoughts and prayers,

Debby

camul's picture
camul
Posts: 2034
Joined: Dec 2010

I will keep praying for you and that miracle.

Hugs,
Carol

ksf56's picture
ksf56
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2012

I am so sorry to hear what's going on with you! Honestly, it stinks!!! We all would like to see God's plan - none of this makes sense to us simple humans. I pray for you to have the strength to handle the path from here on, for pain relief and some sort of peace. I think I speak for alot of us here - you feel like a daughter to us and our hearts are breaking to hear about what you're going through. Please know that our prayers and arms surround you with warmth and love!

Karen

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

You know that I'll be praying for you Kat. I always have from the first time you ever posted on here. We all wanted to just surround you with our arms and to make everything and anything bad go away from you. I truly wish we could do that.

To be so young and to have this kind of news. I can't imagine.

Stay strong Kat, stay positive and keep posting to us as we want and need to know how you are.

Praying and sending hope and love,

Lex

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3294
Joined: Oct 2009

Have you been thinking about what you're going to do Kat? I've thought about you so much and have been praying hard for you.

Miracles happen everyday!

Hugs, Debby

heaven1021
Posts: 7
Joined: Mar 2012

I hate that you are going through this. I contiuously keep you in my prayers and think about you often. I dont post much but i want you to know, I have never in my life met a young woman as wonderful and couragous as you. I often hear from a lot of young girls that often tell me they want to be like me when they grow up, with this being said I so want to be like you when I grow up and I'm 55 years old. BIG BIG HUGS TO YOU... Keep it going.

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

I couldn't post a lot before, as, this hurts to know you are facing this Kat. I wish I could hug you and tell you that everything will be alright. I know I will be praying for a miracle, for something good to happen to you.

I am thankful to you for posting again and updating us. I think you can tell how we were all worried about you Kat. I know we all say it, but, you are amazing!

Love,

Megan

SIROD's picture
SIROD
Posts: 2124
Joined: Jun 2010

Dear Kat,

I was like everyone else so sorry to learn how painful your surgery was and the extent of your mets.

I do know from my long years reading forums that everyone who does have metastatic breast cancer comes to the day that they have to make a choice between on going treatments that aren't working or find the joy with quality of life in the time that they have left.

One lady whose blog I read for many years was Amber Chase. She posted on another board. Amber was 31 when she died was married with 5 children. Her cancer was inflammatory breast cancer, a very aggressive one, especially in younger women. I am going to post the page where Amber and her husband made the decision to do palliative care by using hospice.

Copy and paste:

http://amberchase.weebly.com/1/archives/06-2009/1.html

This will give you Amber's journey on a blog should you want to read it. A courageous woman just like you who went through so much in hopes to live longer. Like you she had so much of life ahead of her.

I hope it helps you.

My very best to you in one of life's most difficult decision.

Doris

Noel's picture
Noel
Posts: 3101
Joined: Apr 2009

I'm so sorry for the pain that you are in and wish I could do something to help you to feel better Kat. It's with a heavy heart that I read the decision you are facing. You're too young!

You have always lived your life to the fullest. I know you will do what is right for you. You're an inspiration to everyone on this board!

I'm sending love, hugs and prayers to you,

Noel

Ctine70's picture
Ctine70
Posts: 150
Joined: Sep 2012

You will be in my thought and prayers. Please don't give up hope, have faith miracles do happened
You are an inspiration to all of us
Stay strong
Hugs Christine

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

xoxo

mom62
Posts: 600
Joined: Mar 2004

It's good to hear from you after your back surgery. I'm sorry this has not concluded with good news for you. Hardships in life are never easy, even for us older folks. My only suggestion to you is to remember you are living with cancer. It may be terminal but to what time end we don't know. I say choose life and live it to the fullest, take charge of treatment you want. Make sure it goes with your plan for your quality of life. I agree you should not have to be thinking about any of this. I will continue to pray for a cure for you. You are a free spirit full of life and you should not stop living it because of your diagnosis. If I could take all your pain away and put it on me I would, honestly. You are a beautiful person inside and out and deserve to live a long healthy life. Praying for you.

((hugs)
Terry

lintx's picture
lintx
Posts: 456
Joined: Sep 2012

It breaks my heart to read your story and to know your young age. I'm praying for you and the right decision, only you can make. Yes, you do have time to think, as healing takes place from the recent surgery. Do it wisely. Much Love to you, Linda

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

Like the others, my heart is breaking reading this. Too much for anyone to deal with, especially for someone so young. You will make the right decision, whatever it is. We will all be praying for you Kat, praying for a miracle.

So many prayers and hugs,

Kylez

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

posted twice

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3294
Joined: Oct 2009

Any decision yet Kat? I know you will do what is best for you and that's all that matters!

Hugs!

CypressCynthia's picture
CypressCynthia
Posts: 3954
Joined: Oct 2009

Oh Kat, my heart is breaking tonight. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Because I am stage 4, I have thought about it alot. I know, for me, I would not hesitate to call hospice. It doesn't even mean, to me, that you have given up. It means that you want to have the very best pain management and comfort care out there, so you can live every last day to the hilt.

I may have mentioned this before, but Danny's grandmother had a rough end in the hospital after receiving surgery that she could never possibly heal from. I won't go there, but her daughter, Danny's aunt, decided she would never have that happen to her.

Years later, when she was dying from terminal colon cancer, she died at home with hospice involved. She was on lots of drugs, back happy. We saw her right before she died and we had such a lovely time with her and she seemed comfortable and at peace.

That is how I want to go, when it is time. Now only you know when it is time and, whatever you decide, I am here for you. I admire your spunk, your unselfishness and your courage. I am praying for you and sending big (((hugs))).

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

Many prayers, many hugs and lots of love for you Kat are coming your way from every survivor on this board!

Keep fighting!

ladyg's picture
ladyg
Posts: 1577
Joined: Apr 2010

I am really sad to hear all that is going on with you. Someone your age should not have to be dealing with all of this. Please try not to give up. Live your life to the fullest every day. I will keep you in my thoughts and send out positive energy to help you through the pain.

Hugs,
Georgia

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

I am also worried that we haven't heard from you Kat. I pray for you daily!

MsGebby's picture
MsGebby
Posts: 659
Joined: Oct 2011

Heavenly Father, I thank you for loving me. I thank you for sending your Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, to the world to save and to set me free. I trust in your power and grace that sustain and restore me. Loving Father, touch me now with your healing hands, for I believe that your will is for me to be well in mind, body, soul and spirit.

Cover me with the most precious blood of your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. Cast out anything that should not be in me. Root out any unhealthy and abnormal cells. Open any blocked arteries or veins and rebuild and replenish any damaged areas.

Remove all inflammation and cleanse any infection by the power of Jesus' precious blood. Let the fire of your healing love pass through my entire body to heal and make new any diseased areas so that my body will function the way you created it to function. Touch also my mind and my emotion, even the deepest recesses of my heart. Heal the hurts and pains and all the wounds that I have in my life. Saturate my entire being with your presence, love, joy, and peace and draw me ever closer to you every moment of my life.

And Father, fill me with your Holy Spirit and empower me to do your works so that my life will bring glory and honor to your holy name.

rallendorfer
Posts: 245
Joined: May 2012

Amen

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3294
Joined: Oct 2009

Thanks Mary for this touching prayer for Kat.

Hugs, Debby

salls41's picture
salls41
Posts: 340
Joined: Apr 2012

Thank you.

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

Amen!

trixytwo's picture
trixytwo
Posts: 59
Joined: Nov 2011

Amen..praying for you

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

Mary, thanks for posting the prayer.

Amen,

Megan

justbeachie
Posts: 4
Joined: Oct 2012

New just a bit ago and I read your prayer for Kat - and I stand in agreement. For her and ALL - every one of us.

Thank you Jesus.

Jan (justbeachie)

jnl's picture
jnl
Posts: 3873
Joined: May 2009

Praying!

sea60's picture
sea60
Posts: 2601
Joined: May 2010

difficult words, there is positivity in the tone of your post. You're just that way. You exude such a positive energy. You are one tough cookie and despite this disease, you are blessed beyong measure. It gives me joy that you know the Lord. I believe He surrounds you and is with you every moment. Many questions are never answered in life. But faith must endure.

Praying for you.

Hugs,

Sylvia

P.S. - Amen MsGebby! That is beautiful.

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

Amen Mary. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful prayer.

Hugs, Lex

jnl's picture
jnl
Posts: 3873
Joined: May 2009

Thanks Ms.Gebby for the beautiful and touching prayer for our dear Kat.

Love, Leeza

Bella Luna's picture
Bella Luna
Posts: 1571
Joined: Aug 2009

Hearing your struggles and how much pain you are in makes me very sad. You are such an incredible light force. I do not understand why all this happened to you. It's not fair. Some things in life are not meant for us to understand. We have limited vision. But I do know this! I do believe God is with you and that He will see you through this, come what may. You are a very unique soul and you have touched so many individuals. Your parents did an amazing job raising you, Kat. I don't know what more to say other than I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Much love to you dear sweet soul,
Ines

Frankie Shannon
Posts: 457
Joined: Oct 2011

Oh Kat i have such sadness in my heart and tears in my eyes as i read your post,yes for some one so young this is devastating but never give up hope miracles do happen and where always hoping for a cure for all cancer's.I know this is easy for me to say but live your life to the fullest as we never know what tomorrow will bring.My heart and prayers go out to you.
Hugs Frankie

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

Hoping that you have made a decision Kat and that you will come back and let us know. You know you've got many prayers headed your way!

Hugs and love,

Angie

debsweb18
Posts: 190
Joined: Jun 2012

I can't imagine what you're going through. I can't say anything, except that I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Deb

VickiSam's picture
VickiSam
Posts: 8253
Joined: Aug 2009

I don't have the words to convey my sadness. Like so many others have stated, I can
not imagine what you are feeling, or going through right now. Your world must be
upside down, and sideways.

My heart and soul go out to you, and your parents. Hoping and praying that things
get better for you.

Gentle hugs, dear Kat.

Vicki Sam

missrenee's picture
missrenee
Posts: 2137
Joined: Apr 2010

like Sylvia--I do hear the positive tone that is still in your being. The pain makes being hopeful and positive so difficult--but I still hear it in you. And Mary--that prayer said it all. Thank you for sharing it with Kat and all of us.

Like yourself and other gals here, being Stage IV changes everything. I choose to be positive and hopeful most days--but then those other ones creep in and I get scared and really sad. As much as I truly don't want to leave this life, I just have to believe there is something so much better waiting for me and all of us.

You've been on my nightly prayer list for a long time, Kat, and there you'll stay. Stay strong when you can but don't be afraid to let go once in a while.

Love and many hugs, Renee

carkris's picture
carkris
Posts: 4523
Joined: Aug 2009

you are always on my mind/ I hope you are healing and in less pain. I wonder if radio frequency ablaton would work on your tumors?

Noel's picture
Noel
Posts: 3101
Joined: Apr 2009

Thanks MsGebby for the prayer...

DianeBC's picture
DianeBC
Posts: 3888
Joined: Jun 2009

You've always been such a bright light on this board Kat and quite honestly, I think everyone of us admire you and are amazed by each and every post you write. I can't imagine what you're going thru right now.

I will keep you in my prayers and I will also be praying for your family.

Biggest of hugs,

Diane

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

I check in daily now just to see if you have logged on Kat with an update. Praying for you!

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