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Unplanned Scan + Set My New 'Clear' Record

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

There has been quite a lot of sad news recently. Tragedy seems to come in waves in this part of the world – during my time here, I’ve seen over 250+ fellow fighters fall by the wayside as the war on cancer continues to mount.

Many of these folks were dear friends of mine…

The impact of losing the friends I’ve shared with over the years here has started to have a profound impact on me…it’s very cumulative and it continues to add up.

Part of me wants to run, and yet, I find that I cannot, even in the wake of things still to come…we must take the bad with the good and though it pains my heart, I feel that I must stand by the few remaining friends that I have left here – to be there for them.

There is another part of me that says I’ve had enough of this pain of watching & witnessing what cancer has done to my friends. I’ve always tried to see the other side of cancer and the good things that we can bring out of the chaos…

But, when folks start fallin’…well, I just can’t gloss it over at times like these….

The community now is full of new members who are going through cancer and some are going through it for the first time. You’re meeting new members and getting bonded and feeling connected. You’re identifying with other members who had a similar case of cancer as you have.

Or, you’ve identified with the first people who welcomed you to the board. You’re getting great advice and you’re fighting your fight…

And then the losses start…and then they continue…and they never seem to stop…and new folks come over the hill starting the cycle anew.

At first, you take the hits and absorb the losses and continue to post and move forward and we’re gonna’ “kick cancer’s butt”…and all of that.

What’s gonna’ happen – if it hasn’t already, is that there will be a passing that will carry more personal significance based on the relationship you had with them. That’s gonna’ hurt – and hurt bad. You can imagine stringing together a few hundred of those…in just 3-years time.

As I said, I’ve watched hundreds fall as I helplessly watched the tragedy unfold…it can get to a point where it feels like too much. I’m as strong as I can be, but it does get to me.

I guess for me, it comes from being a product of the Class of 2009…it was a magical time here filled with very special people…or maybe it just seemed magical, because as much as I thought I knew, I was naïve to the cancer world around me – and what it was capable of doing – I had not yet seen the true dark side of cancer. I was just so happy to be here and wanted to help folks with the things I’d already gone through.

When I said goodbye to my first oncologist on our last visit, he told me, “There is a calm over you now that I have not seen in our previous 5-years together.”

I told him I had found the board…and we were just one big happy family…a family that had cancer, but other than that, it was just too cool.

He looked at me straight-faced and told me, “You know some of them are not going to make it.”

I looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights – just dumbfounded was I. I kept thinking you just don’t know our folks…we have cancer, but we’re gonna’ live forever.

That’s how I wanted it to be…

Sadly, my time on this board has shown me more enlightenment and realism than even I want to look at sometimes. It is getting harder and harder for me to see my ’09 Classmates leaving me behind.

It’s such a hollow feeling – and it’s nothing against the new folks…I’d like to get to know you. I’ve not been able to connect with many of the new folks that have joined, though I’ve tried to touch as many as I can. My life is under construction mopping up my dad’s spills and handling a very demanding workload.

But, with so many of my friends gone from cancer and the others away from here and out living their lives, you look around the room and you feel like such a stranger in the house that you have lived in. It’s hard to explain.

The list of folks is so long…and so painful…a lot of times I deal with death – by not dealing with it. But the board has made me address this time and time again…often with very profound feelings from the passing of people who had come to mean so much to me.

I always thought it would be forever – I think I’m still naïve like that, otherwise, I’d just lose my mind here.

While there is still time for all of us, I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone here I’ve ever met and talked to – you have meant so much to me…and I guess this has been reinforced by the pain that I feel for your passing or your imminent departure…that tells me that you meant something to me.

Thank you for that! Thank you for all that you were to me – and to us!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The past few weeks, I’ve been having terrible shoulder pain – that would radiate down to the elbow – and down to my right thumb. Sometimes, it feels like my elbow is numb, but my thumb tingles that neuropathy type of tingling, you know?

The pain got so bad, I had to resort to taking Tramadol for a few days. I can’t stand medicine and I hate taking any type of medication – so for me to do this, was a big deal.

This coincided with Steved’s news of his upcoming surgery along with Jenny’s recent passing…

Steve’s case has been working on me for some time now…I’m not going to lie…I’m just flat out worried and concerned for our friend.

What got to me was that where I was hurting in my shoulder was where they sawed off a couple of my ribs, which was in the area where I last had confirmed cancer. They had scraped the chest cavity as clean as they could get it, but could not get clear margins, so we had to radiate.

The ribs/bones at that time biopsied negative, but cancer was visibly present in the chest cavity…so my mind went to bad places real quick….I had this nightmare of them amputating my right arm up to the shoulder.

As I said, Steve’s case has messed me up…I’m just not as brave as he is.

So, I had a knee-jerk reaction and made an appointment with the onc to go over my concerns. And he took me seriously. He did not think it could be cancer, but felt that my complaint was valid.

So, he ordered a PET/CT scan for me…..just three-months past my last clear scan…I wasn’t scheduled for anything until after Turkey Day…

Who would want to overlook this and take the chance on a potential tumor growing to a point where we had another problem to deal with?

Knee-jerk reaction, sure?

But, better to be safe than sorry.

I am very adept at interpreting CT reports and requested mine be released, so that I could evaluate my condition.

When I got through reading the report…I liked everything that I saw….Still Clear!

We’re now at 15-months, which is a new personal record for me! This breaks the 1-year mark that I held the longest in my very 1st year…

Now, in Year 8, I’ve scored the biggest victory against cancer in my entire battle….and it’s come at the end of many years of fighting – at a stage where many are no longer able to fight or have already transitioned out.

Even I get cynical and jaded at various times….but Hope does exist…it can happen…

HOPE is still alive…

With all of the sad news, I hesitated in writing this post. Mostly, if the community news is good and mine is bad…I wait.

And if the community news is bad…and mine is good…I wait.

But, I see spirits sagging out there and know everyone’s resolve is again being tested and perhaps starting to wane…so I wanted to offer up this latest news of Hope.

Victories of this magnitude are hard to come by, especially after so many years. One expects to be losing the fight, instead of winning the big one – we understand that there is no guarantee…but cancer is not claiming all of us, though he takes his fair share.

I’m 8.3 years into the battle…15 months out of my last fight…and just scored the biggest victory of my fight (so far).

I thought this news might help a few out there…

I wasn't going to post about it, but since we just did this scan, my onc has cancelled the Turkey Day scan, which will push me out to Feb2013 for the next scheduled scan. So, that combined with all of the sad news made me decide to talk with you today.

So, for the first time in my entire cancer journey…I’m now walking down the Path of the Unknown. I’m not sure what to expect going forward. I’ve outlived many other prognostications on my imminent demise during my cancer battle, but I wake up each day and find I'm still here - The Whys I've stopped wondering about.

'Cause, I just don't know...

Still too early to get excited…but I thought the news had some relevance to it and was worth posting the news to the group.

I’ll close with this very sobering thought…

One would have to walk the long cancer walk of close to a decade, to understand the conflict I feel from living all of these years longer than I should have – while the friends that I grew up with are falling all around me.

As time goes by…you become a little bit lonelier up here at the place you considered a haven - and called home.

Because, you see, there is a little piece of you that dies along with the person that just passed each time that they do – and it wears you down much like the waves that smash against the rocks on the shoreline...

I haven’t lived to a ripe old age, but I imagine this must be akin to growing older by nature and having your friend pass…and you wake up and find you are one of the Last of the Mohicans. It is some kind of funny feeling.

I think I finally understand now what it is that Emily was trying to tell me about losing people close to you…

It's taken me three very hard years up here of "Emotional Investment" with all of you to gain that critical understanding and come to that acceptance.

Still I won’t give up on myself – and I’m certainly not giving up on you.

I’m stupid like that.

Much love and healing for the community!

Love/Craig (8.3 yrs)

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2319
Joined: Jan 2009

Craig,
Thank you so much for both parts of this post. The words you share at the beginning sum up so many of my feelings. We joined in January 2009 and at times the precious ones we've lost overwhelm me. I miss people so much but am so grateful that I had a chance to know them.

Thank you also for the second part of your post. I am so very, very happy for you! Thank you for sharing hope, we all need hope.

Aloha my friend,
Kathleen

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

Ok, Kathleen...the truth is...

I miss you!

I always waited with anticipation at what you would say after I wrote a post. I know I'm not an easy read sometimes, but always felt one would walk away changed...

But in a good way - in a real way...

Glad Dick is still fightin'...tell him hi for me. He is a warrior I could never be.

Great seeing you and thank you for being on my post!

Me Ke Aloah

-Donna's Lion

steved
Posts: 836
Joined: Apr 2004

This is a wonderful thread for us all to spend some time regrouping after our recent losses and too much bad news (just read pete's latest post and still reeling from that one). We are a strange family that is almost a representation of the cycles of life in fast forward- as some pass on newbies join and the circle begins a new. There are times though when we have all suffered too much Los that we need to stop and reflect and regathering our strength as a group, before moving forward again. I would encourage people to also think of a laughter, celebrations and hope that we all have xperienced here that is harder to recall when we are wiping our tears of sadness away.

I am pleased that my story has triggered you to get a new scan Craig and the results are just fantastic. We needed that news here today. I do sometimes struggle to post my story at times as I know it runs the risk of undermining the hope people experience when they are moving forward during a long period of ned and I too am guiltyo of being some one who has left this board when I no longer needed it. However, I do think that is part of recovery for many people. Cancer and all it's paraphernalia occupies a lot of space in our lives and as people recover (what ever that means to that person) this stuff needs to occupy less space to allow normality to creep back in. This board is part of 'that stuff'. So I never begrudge those that chose to move on, but also hugely admire those that stay and feel their constancy of contribution is the backbone of boards like this.

So thank you for the thread Craig and lets use it to celebrate all that is great about this group- our diversity, our multinationalism, the humour, the successes, our ability tolerate the losses and ultimately our weird little family united in fighting a formidable foe. We are all pretty amazing.

Steve

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

Mornin' Steve,

I just saw the air going out of this balloon and could tell the community needed to talk...I know I needed to.

I hope this post will serve as the anchor to allow folks to express themselves and begin the healing process. I wait for these kind of posts and it's wonderful to read all the true feelings being expressed.

Cancer tries to kill the spirit, before he claims the body.

I'm going to do my damnest to keep folks propped up when I see them leaning to the side. And when the community as a whole hurts, that has always hurt me. I've always liked to do my part in helping the community, because I hold it as sacred ground - I've given alot of my life here for anyone who wants to accept it.

The Board must always exist, because cancer always walks among us. It was created from the noblest of causes and it is our obligation as the current gate-keepers, to protect the integrity and sanctity of this institution and what it stands for - so that fellow travelers along our road have a way-station to come to when they find the cancer storm rainin' all over 'em.

Thank you, Steve for being on this post and for your healing words.

-Craig

I am proud to serve here and to be a brief chapter of this board's illustrious history.

mukamom's picture
mukamom
Posts: 389
Joined: Oct 2010

Really 08, as Robert was dx 12/08. I didn't find this board until a year or so later.
Will he make it to the 5 year mark?? Will he be one of the lucky ones who makes it past that milestone? Most times I think yes, he's beaten it 3x already, then I reflect back on those folks here that didn't. There are holes on this board that never will be filled.

Am so, so happy your scan was clear. Time to kick up your heels and live a little.
Or go wrestle a steer (isn't that what y'all do in Texas?)

Angela

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi:)

You're right, we've got holes that will never be filled.

The best we can do is spackle over the gaping wound - and always keep a part of this person in our memory - so that they didn't fade away from sight - they merely took up residence in our hearts.

Steer wrestling?

Best I can do is flash the "Hook 'Em Horns" sign:)

No time to kick up our heels this year, we're too busy kickin' ass and trying to close out my dad's chapter, and pick up the broken pieces of our lives from all these years of cancer...so we can finally break into the clear...and catch a new wave...

I hope part of that wave will be helping people with cancer...cope.

The time for celebration is coming, I hope. I talked to the Big Guy over the weekend in an impromput heart to heart...and I asked for direction. We'll see which road I'm pointed down next:)

Thanks for posting, Angela...so nice to see you again.

-Mr. Lion

Maxiecat's picture
Maxiecat
Posts: 524
Joined: Jul 2012

I am so glad that your scan turned out good...it really is helpful to see someone who is further down the treatment path doing well. As a new member of this group those words of encouragement and advice really mean so much.

Alex

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

I've always tried to use my story to illustrate the triumphs and the pratfalls - good and bad...with life as well as cancer.

I think all of us look for examples to help us through life - and here with our cancer fights. I'm so happy to still be here roaming these halls:)

This board has made my cancer something I can live with...

I thought recently that my time here had come...I began to feel irrelevant and that I had nothing left to give here...that perhaps I had nothing of value left to offer.

It pleases me to see so many faces on this post...new and old:)

I know you're just getting started...Time and Patience will be the two biggest instruments in your medicine bag...don't despair...hold them close to your heart!

If you get tired, you can hitch your wagon to the back of my bumper - and I'll help carry you up the road:)

Thank you for being on this post.

-Craig

lauragb
Posts: 368
Joined: Aug 2011

Well, this indeed good news! And very welcome. It has been hard to see so many people pass on. So your words are welcome.

Thanks.

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

As always, Thank You!

Nice to see you!

-Craig

relaxoutdoors08
Posts: 521
Joined: May 2011

Craig,
I count myself the class of 2010. You have been here describing your experience....showing such courage and strength...Giving support and Hope for all of us. I too grieved the loss of Jennie. I will always remember her encouraging posts and how I laughed when she shared her morning routine ... hair... teeth....
WOW, so glad you made a new record. I am approaching my 2 year post dx and am feeling such anxiety. You and the others here shown me that one regroups and fights another day.
Thank you so much for being here for us.
NB

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

Yep, Jenny was one of my first reclamation "projects." You wouldn't have known her then...scared and frightened out of her mind...watching how she grew was something that I will never forget...

It's funny for me to talk to folks who are scared silly...and then over time, they grow into their new role and no longer need you anymore. This must be akin to being a parent and having the child fly away from home.

It's painful...but, it's wonderful...and part of the process. I'm glad to play my role in helping them reach the next level.

Thank you for having me!

-Craig

k44454445's picture
k44454445
Posts: 494
Joined: Jul 2012

i wanted to thank you for the heartfelt post. it certainly helps me to read posts such as yours. thank you for sharing the great words of wisdom that you have! we are blessed to have you!!! glad to hear your good results! i was dx dec 2010 & was dx june 2012 with metastatic ca. wish i had found this site in 2010.
hugs
judy

smokeyjoe
Posts: 1428
Joined: Feb 2011

Thanks for the good news Craig.....ya know we really need to hear from those that do carry on for years!!! GREAT NEWS WITH YOUR SCAN!! Ya know just over a week ago my brother in law had a "mis step" going to the bathroom, fell broke his hip....had the hip surgery, things going great, he was very pro-active in doing what you're supposed to do after this surgery....then one night it just all seemed to go down hill, they think he aspirated something he has pneumonia, is on a machine to breath for him, tube feeding, unresponsive, and has been this way for a week so far in ICU. WTF??

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

Wow, Smoke'Em...

Things just change so much, so quick, in this world.

That's the reason I'm trying to pick 'em up...and lay 'em down...while I can...before...

Tell "BIL" to get well...I hope he can come off the machine...that one is always so tough to watch.

Hugs?

Okay...(((L))))

-Craig

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

Nice to meetcha, Judy:)

It took me 5-years to get here:) I'm a slow learner:)

I am so glad this post has helped you...there's lots of good stuff on this thread...when you bite into this sandwich...you'll know you ate something:)

LOL!

You are so welcome! I'm glad to still be of value here.

Thanks for posting!

-Craig

A1D2N3
Posts: 6
Joined: Jun 2008

Have been following the board for some time... but have not really responded...you have inspired me to comment......in regards to your honesty...openness and willingness to share...keep it up....you and the rest of the board are such a gift to others!! Love and Prayers!!

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

Thank you for stepping out of the shadows - and into the light!

Your comment is gratefully accepted - now, don't be a stranger:)

-Craig

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2322
Joined: Oct 2011

but that is AWESOME news!! You are an inspiration to all of us as we struggle along this dark path...you help shine a light that makes the journey a little brighter. Loads o' hugs from Seattle~Ann Alexandria

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

I was going to put in an entry titled, "Where's Ann?"

LOL!

You must have felt the vibrations I was sending out:)

Thanks, Ann...it is good news and I feel very fortunate still. I've been so conditioned to getting bad news so long, that's it's hard to accept the good stuff when I see it. It's a condition that I hope that time will continue to soften with positive reports.

Please reserve a spot on the library shelf for me...I hope one day to occupy that slot:)

Take care and many hugs as well!

-Craig

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2322
Joined: Oct 2011

I'm certain of that! Where shall we put you? In the 600s, with cancer? Or in the biography section? I'm thinking both, cover all the bases!

toyfox's picture
toyfox
Posts: 156
Joined: Apr 2011

This board has been so sad have not wanted to post.
I am so happy for you that your scan is clear. You mean
so much to so many.
We had good news too. My husbands 3 month blood work
was excellent....not one low or high mark....cea normal.
Many Hugs....Linda

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

Good news always comes in 3's...we just need one more good story to make a quorum:)

I know it's been difficult lately for everyone...

It sounds like you and the hub have a reason to pause and give thanks...that is wonderful news to hear...congrats to you both...and now you've bought yourself a hall pass, so that you can wander around and enjoy the stroll.

I'm happy for you both.

As always thank you for your kindness and support!

-Craig

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3492
Joined: Apr 2010

Whooo Hooo on your husband's blood work, time for happy dance!!!
Winter Marie

donnare
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi Craig,

Loved this post ... I haven't been on but check in from time to time, and your posts are always beautiful and inspiring. I know how hard it has been -- I am from the class of 2009 also, and you and Eric and Donna were the first people to reach out to me and give me hope when I thought there was none. It hurts to think of Eric and Donna -- so very kind and loving to me while dealing with so much themselves. The losses did kind of make me shy away, so I know exactly what you mean.

I needed this today --- I needed to hear that you are 8 years out, even after all you've gone through. I am sitting in Brian's hospital room --- the first clinical trial failed and his tumors grew on the liver and unfortunately there are now spots in both lungs. He has had a pretty rough time lately.

So today he was supposed to start another Phase 1 clinical trial -- one that is targeted at GI cancers and the docs here and at Penn think it looks promising, even though they cautioned me that Phase 1 trials only work about 5-10% of the time. (Better than 0%, right?)

So we get up here to Fox Chase, scared of the new drug but hoping for some relief from the pain for him in addition to a halt of the disease growth, and after taking his blood they come back and tell us he cannot start the trial because his bilirubin levels are too high. So they admit him and tomorrow are going to try to do a stent in his liver to get the levels to come down so he can start the trial next Monday. They aren't sure this is going to work, and I don't know what this means in terms of future treatment. I was told that without treatment he may not have very long.

So I am sitting in his room while he is at ultrasound and I am thinking "what do I pray for? a miracle, again? Didn't I already get a miracle - all the docs say he has beat the odds by being around 3 years after diagnosis, relatively healthy. Am I being selfish not wanting to give up hope?".

And then I read you post, and see the 8.3 years, and I feel a little stronger because I read it and see you surviving this awful disease, and I dare to hope again -- maybe this is another bump in the cancer highway for Brian.

Thanks for all you do for everyone on this board. You have a beautiful spirit and it has reached out to many when they needed it most!

So glad your scans are good -- wishing you many, many years of continued good news, if not a miracle of healing. And as you so aptly said "much love and healing for the community".

Stay well friend,
Donna

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

You know what post I just remembered back from 2009?

Just like you said, the one where Chicky first reached out to you...

She said, "Hi, Donna - I'm a Donna too..."

Makes my eyes well up...

You know I never forget any conversation or exchange with anyone here that I've ever talked to - and that's a fact. I can go down the list, past and present, and remember what we said, no matter how far back it goes.

"What do you pray for?"

Hope, without a doubt...pray for hope...

For without Hope, the people will perish...

No, you're not selfish for asking for hope, Donna. Quite the opposite actually - you're feeling what every caregiver feels - hope, and a chance for your beloved.

The last three-years has changed me up here...I wrote a big chapter in the book about the Patient and Caregiver's perspectives as the battle winds on...and possibly winds down...

And of course, the aspect that a caregiver sees it, varies much differently than that of the patient. From all of the stories that I have read, the greatest grief and the greatest anguish comes from the caregiver and not so much the patient.

I can only summize that as a patient, we get to points to where "we just know."

But, from the Caregiver's side, I would imagine that you would want to hold out Hope against all else, even if their situation is a very dire one.

And I think that this must be nature's self-presarvation mechanism that acts as a shield to protect you from the thoughts of wondering What's Next? or What Happens Now? At least, untilit becomes apparent that you may have to do so at some point.

Life seems to be the hardest on those that are left standing after any tragic or traumatic event...the how do you go on? How do you heal? What's next? questions are some of the most arduous steps of the entire journey.

They always leave me hanging, because how do we comfort the caregivers, if the time comes? Every single caregiver story has broken my heart, because when a situation plays itself out, there are no ready answers, nor easily solutions.

It's the part of the disease that I can't stand...

So, no, I don't think you are being selfish, you are being protective of yours and you are wanting the best for your spouse. That's love.

One of the keys in this life is to know when Hope Ends - and Acceptance Begins...

That's a path I was trying to find myself when I was wrapping up last year's fight...you wouldn't have known me, Donna....beat up bad and out of steam...looking for the bench, because I was done...

I've been through some other mess besides cancer this year. It has eaten up my good days that I worked so hard for, but I have had no choice but to work on it and try and get it behind me, though there is still much work to do.

I've been fortunate to be responsive to surgeries and treatments and that has certainly made a difference. I hope that this is another bump. We used to use the word "Rally" here back then, remember?

So, I'll remain hopeful that Brian will do that.

Go ahead and "Dare to Hope", Donna...it was really bad for me last year...I'll never forget the look on my surgeon's face, just seconds before surgery when he read that last CT...told me all I needed to know...it was a fight that could have gone either way.

For whatever reason, I did respond favorable to all the brutality presented to me...don't know how many more of those I could do in the future, but made it through that one...

So, yeah, 'dare.'

Anything is possible - until it isn't...

So, until we know...I say, keep hoping...

'Cause that's exactly what I'm going to do for an old and trusted friend like you, darlin'

:)

-Craig

SharonVegas's picture
SharonVegas
Posts: 189
Joined: Feb 2012

Craig,
Thanks for you post on clear scans. We need these happy stories on this board. I, for one, am grateful you posted it. My wife and I read the board last Friday along with this post and all the replies. The wife had a good cry afterward. She needed it. She seems "lighter" now. This board works in mysterious ways.......
SharonVegas

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

I can't tell you how happy I am to here that news! It's like tossing a cracker to a starving man:)

Tears are nature's lubrication for the soul - and all of us need an oil change every now and then. It is a necessary cleansing process that does help to unload the tremendous emotional burdens that weigh us down to the point where we feel our hearts are going to stop beating.

"Lighter" is a good term for how you feel afterwards. In effect, you are lighter as you left those said burdens at the curb and reset your emotional barometer, so that you can continue on.

Suppression is our enemy...eventually, bottled feelings always make their way to the top...just like the steam in a tea kettle when it reaches a boil and begins to whistle...nature gave us this outlet as a coping method with the rigors of life.

It took me about 43 years to get in tune and learn how to understand the mechanism of a tear - and what it's purpose is for...being in touch with feelings...and having the permission from one's self to express them is freeing - it's liberating - and it's very empowering.

And in many ways, tears help facilitate the path of healing...one drop at a time.

The board does work in mysterious ways...sometimes thought, it needs a nudge...:)

I've found the outpouring of real human feeling in this post to be most refreshing and I feel the collective exhale of the community inside these margins.

I'm so glad that you "invested" the time to read through this whole post...it is chalk full of some good stuff...some real stuff.

It's very nice to meet you and I hope that your wife does very well:) I'll be following your progress. Take care for now.

And tell your wife for me, "Thanks for reading."

And thank you for sharing your story and those personal feelings. It always draws me closer to folks, when I can read about all of the commonality that resides within each one of us.

Through that process, we grow as a community.

We must constantly re-seed and start the process anew as new recruits arrive steadily throughout the year. While most come here for the knowledge, I also feel that healing comes from bonding with one another - and once bonds are formed, then sharing can start...and from there, the road seems a little less empty.

Best of luck to you both!

-Craig

Fight for my love
Posts: 1346
Joined: Jun 2009

You are my true hero as always...I have more reasons to keep my head up living in a foreign country and being strong.Thank you,my big brother,you inspire everyone,you inspire my husband,and you inspire me.Once I think of you and many other dear friends on this board,I am not worried about little things in life and have more strengh to move on.Thank you.

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4342
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi FFML:)

What a coincidence to see you here today - so glad, of course:)

And since, I've been going down memory lane, let me pull up a memory of you...too many too count, of course...

But, the one that jumps into my head right away, was when I had sent out the post saying I had added James Taylor's, "You've Got a Friend"...out in my expressions page.

And you told me one evening, that you were just sitting on your couch (in your old apartment)listening to that song and having ice cream and just "feeling so happy."

You've always been very special to me...I knew one day, that you would move on and I accepted that...but that still didn't mean that I stopped caring or didn't wonder about the both of you - because I have.

I think back to the Christmas card you sent me that one year...I never had a Chinese card before, it was very special. I still have it kept for all time in a box of memories from people on this board...and as you can tell, it is kept close to my heart still.

I'm so glad you and your husband are doing well...I remember all too well how frightened you were when you first started too...there were so many cases then...

I can't tell you how meaningful it is to see you once again...thank you for continuing to check in on the boards...the room is a little dimmer now, as alot of bright lights have been blown out.

Seeing you and Donna in back to back posts, brings back some very fond memories for me...

You stay in touch! Hearing from old friends has helped me today...it would take too long to explain...but just know that you made a difference today by reaching out and coming here and talking to me.

I'm so glad that in a world of constant change - that some things don't change.

Continued best!

Love/Craig

BTW, while you're on the line...check out this link when you've got 12 minutes to sit down. I'll just let the video do the talking...you will get it:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwCSgS3hc4Q

Kathryn_in_MN's picture
Kathryn_in_MN
Posts: 1258
Joined: Sep 2009

My complaints of severe shoulder pain, and clavicle pain were written off as old port scar tissue issues, and something to be taken care of by chiropractic or orthopedic.

Nothing showed on a CT last March. Nothing showed on chiropractic Xray in June. But lymph mets and bone mets often don't show on CT or Xray unless they are huge.

My PET/CT did show the cause of my pain, including the pain in my back which I was assuming was tied to my usual back problems + adding in doing things awkwardly due to my shoulder pain and continuing drop in mobility. Bone mets - to shoulder, clavicle and spine (plus lots of new lymph mets in many areas).

It is important for anyone who has survived CRC for more than a couple years to take every new pain seriously and demand it be checked out.

I'm thrilled that your scan was clear! Congrats!

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