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Happy Friday...

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Burma Shave

REMEMBER THESE ? ? ?
>
> For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history
> of the 1930's, 40s, and '50's. Before there were interstates,
> when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
> Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.
> They were small red signs with white letters.
> Five signs about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......
> and the obligatory 5th sign advertising BurmaShave, a popular shaving cream.
> Here are more of the actual signs:
>
> DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
> OUT SO FAR
> IT MAY GO HOME
> IN ANOTHER CAR.
> BurmaShave
>
> TRAINS DON'T WANDER
> ALL OVER THE MAP
> 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
> IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
> BurmaShave
>
> SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
> BY MISTAKE
> SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
> HER HUSBAND JAKE
> BurmaShave
>
> DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
> TO GAIN A MINUTE
> YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
> YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
> Burma Shave
>
> DROVE TOO LONG
> DRIVER SNOOZING
> WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
> IS NOT AMUSING
> BurmaShave
>
>
> BROTHER SPEEDER
> LET'S REHEARSE
> ALL TOGETHER
> GOOD MORNING, NURSE
> BurmaShave
>
> CAUTIOUS RIDER
> TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
> LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
> AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
> BurmaShave
>
> SPEED WAS HIGH
> WEATHER WAS HOT
> TIRES WERE THIN
> X MARKS THE SPOT
> BurmaShave
>
> AROUND THE CURVE
> LICKETY-SPLIT
> BEAUTIFUL CAR
> WASN'T IT?
> BurmaShave
>
> NO MATTER THE PRICE
> NO MATTER HOW NEW
> THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
> IN THE CAR IS YOU
> BurmaShave
>
> A GUY WHO DRIVES
> A CAR WIDE OPEN
> IS NOT THINKIN'
> HE'S JUST HOPIN'
> BurmaShave
>
> AT INTERSECTIONS
> LOOK EACH WAY
> A HARP SOUNDS NICE
> BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
> BurmaShave
>
> BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
> EYES ON THE ROAD
> THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
> DRIVER'S CODE
> BurmaShave
> THE ONE WHO DRIVES
> WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
> DEPENDS ON YOU
> TO DO HIS THINKING
> BurmaShave
> CAR IN DITCH
> DRIVER IN TREE
> THE MOON WAS FULL
> AND SO WAS HE.
> BurmaShave
> PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
> TAKE IT SLOW
> LET OUR LITTLE
> SHAVERS GROW
> BurmaShave
> CATTLE CROSSING
> MEANS GO SLOW
> THAT OLD BULL
> IS SOME COW'S BEAU
> Burma Shave
>
>
> Do these bring back any old memories?
> If not, you're merely a child.
> If they do - then you're old as dirt... (like me)
e

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers .

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.

And better than that: Alzheimers is a long, long, ways down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

U C4N R34D 7H15.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.' When tennis wasintroduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'

Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet ispronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into �caddie.�

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final

round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07... Foursomes are encouraged.

#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05... Three times a day is possible.

#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

My #11 would be...Your partner(s) actually encourage you to play a new course.

NewDay's picture
NewDay
Posts: 172
Joined: May 2012

You're on a roll. Everybody keep 'um comin'.

Bubbs21
Posts: 44
Joined: Jul 2012

Found this one recently....not sure of your rules here, so trying to keep it clean.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Maybe that's why fox offered my services doing laundry...hmmmm

Good list Bubbs...LOL

Bubbs21
Posts: 44
Joined: Jul 2012

At first glance, I didn't think it made sense, or that I would be able to figure it out. And then I just started to read and it all made sense and flowed so easily. So my question is what defines the certain people can read it?

Bubbs

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

You don't have to be demented...but it helps!

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Bubb's right; at first it looks like nonsense, then you brain and/or eyes adjust, and whamo. Great job Gary. Here's one I just received. I loved the factual info too!

_______________________

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshitin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well … You started it.”

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

oops

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1910
Joined: Oct 2011

That's twice I've read naughty thoughts and words from you. I'm so embarassed. COOL!!!!!!!!!
Bubs....Funny stuff. Gary has competition.

Gary, hold the starch!

I've got no jokes. I'm ashamed.

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Fox-

Any word about MRI? Sorry to interrupt this thread but didn't want to start new thread.

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1910
Joined: Oct 2011

I can wait.I don't need to spoil a nice long weekend. The results aren't that important to me. Except that my pain has been a little less. Maybe that means no radiation?

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

You're like a young Clint Eastwood daring those cancer cells to try and stop you with your "MAKE MY DAY" attitude. Love it. Have a wonderful Labor Day weekend.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Gary, Kathy, Clint, Celia ... all over that side of The Pond, y'all have a great Labor Day weekend!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

How Adam got Eve;

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

Of course the rest is history............!!!!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director,"she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked how she came to marry four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "Well, I guess I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."............

rae_rae's picture
rae_rae
Posts: 267
Joined: Oct 2010

In light of the recent posts about saving your post as you type it, I thought this was appropriate. I always remember this joke because of my personal experience with a college paper (I went back to college when I was 40) in a research class that I worked on until 1AM, including statistics, pie charts and spreadsheets. I was so proud of myself and then my computer (remember dial up and Windows 98?) froze - I hadn't saved anything!! I lost the entire paper and sat up until 6AM trying to retype it. It is never the same the second time around. Anyhow, here goes...one of my personal favorites.

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck to fetch water for the day.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"

'"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

So, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

I love you guys!!!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Deep thoughts;

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
Tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory

I may be schizophrenic,
But at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed a while back, Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

When you work here,
You can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car
going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of
them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

AUSSIE POETRY

An Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had
Come down to two finalists;

A) The university graduate.
B) An old aboriginal man..

They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the
word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word.

The word they were given on this occasion was ' TIMBUKTU '.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu ..

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that,
they thought.

The old aboriginal man calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three w hores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ....

The aboriginal man won.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I feel like a VALEDICTORIAN !!!!!
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
and I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully,'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken.. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Gary, the last item reminded me of the glorious ultimate put-down - the sort of bon mot you cna usually only regret not having thought of/delivered at the time.

It was a story about the ****ty little film starlet Jean Harlow:-

She was at a dinner party and continuously addressed Margot Asquith (wife of British prime minister Herbert Asquith) as "Margot", pronouncing the "T". Margot finally had enough and said to her, "No, Jean, the 'T' is silent, like in 'Harlow'".

I imagine that line was lost on the recipient.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

It's still not quite Friday, so a couple of just mildly funny but true stories.

Yesterday we were driving from London up to N.E. Scotland. My Wife was on good form and asked me "How long have you been driving?" I said "I dunno, about 5 or 6 hours". She said "And we're still not home yet! I'll how you how it's done - I'll have us home in under 2 hours!"

Earlier on in the day, she had overshot our destination and she swung the car round, close to the window of an architectural reclamation business which was displaying a large sign trumpeting "DOORS!" My Wife exclaimed "Do we want doors?" and, without drawing breath, our Daughter replied "Only the ones we started out with!!"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

THESE ARE THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN...
THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM.RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING.
IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS ….

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

- / -

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

- / -

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?

- / -

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

- / -

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

I'll be getting Alzheimer's any time now.
How did you do?

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garym
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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink.."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ..........

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua ?!"

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foxhd
Posts: 1910
Joined: Oct 2011

A woman goes into an ice cream parlor and asks the clerk for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk tells her that he is sorry but they are out of chocolate.So she says that's ok. She will have chocolate in a cup. He tells her again "Maam, I just told you, that we are out of chocolate." She thinks for a moment and says,"Then I'll have a chocolate sundae." The clerk says, "Lady, do you see the sign behind me?" "Yes" she says. He says," Do you see the van in vanilla?" "Yes" she says. "Do you see the straw in strawberry?" "Yes" she says. "And do you see the frick in chocolate?" She answers, "There is no frick in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

From Art Bejma

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

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garym
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My wife and I went north last weekend to play a little golf and celebrate our wedding anniversary. Upon arrival we went into the lounge for an adult beverage or two and found a group of people we knew that invited us to their table.

After a while my wife announced "Today is our anniversary!" to which someone asked "How long?"

I replied that it had been 3 blissful years, my wife gave me "the look" and corrected me stating that "In fact we had been married for 38 years." to which I replied "Yeah, but not all of them have been blissful."

P.S. The doc thinks he can fix my nose after the swelling goes down.

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Max Power
Posts: 60
Joined: Sep 2012

A State trooper pulled a car over for speeding. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he would juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got out 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car stopped and pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good ol’ boy got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper went over to the patrol car and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail. There ain’t no way I can pass that test.”

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garym
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,' I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped'. 'Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread
out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs.. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'. 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

At this, Mrs. Smith fainted.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

I'm sorry that I'm unable to contribute here but I feel constrained to comment.

There are several people here who write so beautifully (Gary is, of course, one and the others know who you are!) that it's always difficult to know whether they originated the jokes they're passing on or selected and forwarded them. This is a classic example - Gary is fully capable of having fashioned such a brilliantly constructed essay in doubles entendres though I suspect it's one he quarried from wherever he finds the glorious stories he regales us with on Fridays. Alice's employment exchange (UK terminology) story is another example.

This is the sort of thing that doesn't feature in the intense communications on the superb KIDNEY-ONC listserv, where the intellectual powerhouse sobersides don't make a break from the priceless conveyance of important information to have the odd laugh or two. I have no doubt that a fair few of the main contributors there possess a great sense of fun but the tenor of the forum precludes its expression.

That's an area where CSN scores - it's more about friendliness, support and compassion for newcomers, many of whom are worrying unnecessarily with relatively benign prognoses, and keeping the positive attitude up and a sense of proportion intact. That's where Gary's Friday Funnies fit in and can be forgiven when they are so risque as to possibly trouble those with delicate sensibilities, such as myself [and I hope adman hasn't been too upset :)]. With that caveat, keep 'em coming Gary!

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Texas_wedge
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Joined: Nov 2011

I hope we're all spared this sort of receptionist:

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT ?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS. "

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garym
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I haven't checked ' snopes.com ' to see if this actually works or not . . . But they say,

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.

PS. Thanks Tex for the kind words.

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot .....

He has a heart attack and is incapacitated. She, frantic, calls out a 'May Day'.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot has had a heart attack. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a calm voice over the radio, saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this in lay language and get you back on the ground. Trust me, I've had experience with this kind of problem.

Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now, give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4", and I'm sitting down."

"Uh, er, O.K.", says the radio voice. . . . "repeat after me:

'NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP'..."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

• I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

• I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor. She only had $1.20 in her purse.

• My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

• Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt. Do you think I should change dentists?

• A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.”

• The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

• A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

• You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

• A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a mustache."

• Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No! It's normal people porn, you're sick!

• The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Well...I tried to warn you

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

To our delicate sensibility Tex - well said! I ditto your remarks and apprecicate your tolerance of your fellow (though more barberic)contributors.

To Gary-our Board comedian--you are not only forgiven but strongly encouraged!

To Me-I'll save my dog sex commentary for another day.

Love U all!

one putt
Posts: 72
Joined: Sep 2012

Alice...you spelled barbaric wrong.
You have dog sex commentary?????
It's amazing the range of information available on this site.
Your loving husband,
John

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Oh the things I could say, but my "style" points would suffer. ROTFLMAO

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Just got to work; you're right I did spell barberic (s/b barbaric) wrong. Glad you have your priorities in order having the misspelling #1 on your list.

Your loving wife,
Alice

P.S. Gary - what a troublemaker you are!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Has always been my middle name (along with instigator)...glad I could help!!

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Max Power
Posts: 60
Joined: Sep 2012

I once took my six-year-old daughter to a play called The Jerk, a farce about neighbors in an apartment complex.

My daughter had only been to kid's plays, you know, those plays where there is a lot of audience participation, and I thought I'd take her to an adult play for once.

In one scene there was a costume party and the characters decided to retire to the "kitchen" (off-stage). Next a character dressed as an alligator came in the door and called out "Where is everybody?". A voice yelled out "They're in the kitchen!"

The alligator head swiveled around to look in my direction and I suddenly realized the yell had come from my daughter!

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Welcome change of tone on this link Max--very cute! Thanks for sharing.

Gary - FYI, John refers to you as Eddie Haskell!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I've been called worse although I'm a lot more like Ward in real life...

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Is that Burt Ward? Sorry, I didn't recognise you Robin!

Batman.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

No, the Edie Haskell reference is to an old comedy television show from the 60's over here, Leave It To Beaver, Edie was a bit of a schemer and trouble maker. Ward and June Cleaver were the parents to two sons, Wally and (Theodore) aka Beaver who were always into some form of mischief. Perhaps the most famous line to come from the show was June saying to Ward "You were a little tough on the Beaver last night!" after he had doled out some punishment the night before. Some how our wonderful sensors over here missed that one.

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

I watched the Beav most of my childhood and never once did I identify your second meaning until right now. How old were you when you so perceptively assigned multiple meanings to that line Gary?

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

You are soooooo innocent...probably a good thing Beav didn't have a doggie huh? LOL

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