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Cried like a baby.

jamiegww's picture
jamiegww
Posts: 384
Joined: Dec 2009

Well, I finally started back on chemo yesterday but I'm so embarrassed for myself. I cried most of the way there and when I got there I found a recliner by a window in the corner of an area that nobody else was in yet. I sat down and the tears just kept pouring out. I don't know when was the last time I felt so alone. The nurse came over and accessed my port to draw blood. She used freeze spray but it still hurt; I guess because it's still really sore. She seemed oblivious to the fact that I was crying like a baby. My quiet area soon filled up and I still sat there crying. Nobody ever tried to comfort me (not that it was their place to do so or anything). Everybody seemed happy and was going on with their lives while I on the other hand felt like it was the beginning of the end of me. I had to see the NP before my chemo could begin and she prescribed an antibiotic, two different kinds of nausea meds (just in case because I told her I was afraid I will spend the weekend vomiting), and of coarse an antidepressant. I've always rejected the antidepressants but I think I will try it this time. I have to go in every week for blood work and I don't want to be crying every time I go. So the current plan is Ixempra once every three weeks and two weeks of Xeloda followed by one week off. I will go through three cycles and then they will do some scans to see how "things" are going. Hopefully I will feel better once the soreness in my neck goes away and I can stand up straight again. As someone always says......I'm thinking it's VickiSam.....I need to get my GRRRRRRRR on. This crying in public crap is just not me.

HUGS!!!
Jamie

bluwillo
Posts: 113
Joined: May 2010

Jamie! I had this big long post about crying is the body's way of letting you have a socially acceptable temper tantrum and how I dealt with all chemo and rad treatments by driving myself so I could cry and turn up my music REALLY LOUD and the whole darn post went Poof!

Long story short, tell someone at the treatment center "I'm scared. Please help me be not scared" your fear is very valid, and telling them that gives them what they need to help you. They will know that they can help you. It's not like you're saying to them "I'm freaked out cos I can't make the house payment this month" That, they wouldn't know what to do with, LOL!

so, don't feel bad about crying. You're in the fight of your life, you're scared beyond belief. Try not to let it overwhelm you. Try to give "fear" a time limit every day. Say "OK, I'm gonna allow myself to be TOTALLY FREAKIN' FREAKED OUT for 5 minutes." Howl at the sun. And then, set the time and let 'er rip! Timer goes "ding", you again gain control of your life. Of course, your mileage may vary. But at least it's an attempt to let yourself feel in control.

Rock music is best to cry to. Most classical is, also. It's so beautiful. When I went in for my mastectomy, I left a post-it note on my soon-to-be-gone bewb. Lyrics from Rehabs's "Last Tatoo....this will be my last tatoo...to cover the memory of something I thought I'd always need...cover it's spot with a smoking gum." My surgeon totally got it, laughed and asked if I wanted a tat that said "Mam" on the scar! So funny! Remember, some of this cancer **** is funny.

It's ok to be afraid. It's NORMAL to be afraid. Just try not to let it rule your life...if only for 5 minutes a day. Good luck. I'll be thinking of, and playing some loud music, for you today.

blu

Bella Luna's picture
Bella Luna
Posts: 1575
Joined: Aug 2009

Having to do chemo is a very scary thing. I wasn't doing cartwheels when I found out my type of cancer Highly Recommended undergoing chemo as part of my arsenal plan. I remember trying to negotiate deals with my surgeon in the hopes of bypassing chemo all together. My questions went like this: "What if I had a radical hysterectomy?, What if I had a mastectomy?" No such luck. But I got through it and so will you.

Crying is a healthy release and a way of grieving, mourning-if you will- awful circumstances. Better to let it out than suppress these waves of emotions that send you reeling from one moment to the next. The body needs these releases; otherwise, it will come out in the form of say... migraines, ulcers, anxiety, insomnia ect., ect., ect. I am sorry the nurses didn't come over to comfort you in some way. They lost an opportunity to show compassion and humanity, but we get you and understand you. We will be here for you cheering you on. You can do this, you are Stronger than you think!

God bless.

Hugs,
Ines

salls41's picture
salls41
Posts: 340
Joined: Apr 2012

at the infusion center! Unlike you, I had the BEST nurses.. I cried so hard the first time I went in for my chemo. Before I knew it every nurse in the unit came by, introduced herself, patted my hand and assured me I would be ok. I had one nurse from the Ukraine who came over and put her hand over mine and prayed out loud for my peace and my healing. Well.. I cried the first time they accessed my port... I cried the first time they accessed my port and it took a few seconds to get it to work.. I cried when I took my laptop and watched a movie during infusion.. and I cried on my last day at the infusion center because I was leaving the great group. Don't feel bad about crying, you body needed that release. I am just so sorry you have insensitive nurses!! If you need to cry... send me a crying message, I will be glad to hold your virtual hand!!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Sandy

MAJW
Posts: 2515
Joined: May 2009

You're crying is normal...you're Not a cry baby...human reaction to what you're going through...have your oncologist or NP give you a Rx for the numbing cream,before your next infusion, to put on the port so you won't have the pain of accessing it...I put it on before chemo, about 1-2 hours before I go..I glop it on, then cut a square of press and seal to keep it in place and off your clothes....I have yet to feel them access my port...then ask them to use the spray too for added numbness!!!!

Try thinking that each chemo is designed to help you......I always think, get in there chemo and do your thing! I can't remember your stage, I'm stage IV....and doing really well with Avastin+Carboplatin...and now only have chemo every 3 weeks instead of every 2 wks.

Please, just in case, don't drive yourself...you never know about a delayed reaction...better safe than sorry..when I started back on chemo in March, my first two infusions also included Gemczar (sp?) ..I felt fine when we left the cancer center...we were half way home when all of a sudden, I literally could not breathe! I thought I was dying....horrifying...my husband called on his cell the cancer center, they told him to get Benadryl in me pronto...took it and then could breathe..same thing with the second infusion...even though they kept me after the infusion, with oxygen ready if I needed it..again, felt fine until half way home...had the Benadryl, thankfully...my MO eliminated the Gemczar ...he picked the right one to eliminate...had no problem, since...my point is, I don't know what I would have done if I had been driving....

Sorry, I'm rambling...get the Rx for the numbing cream before your next infusion....
Wishing you better days...
Hugs, Nancy

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5520
Joined: Oct 2010

I am so sorry no one comforted you...I KNOW NOT THEIR JOB but it is their job to be HUMAN! I wish we could have all been there with you...at bit of compassion can go a LONG way!..I THINK THEY should think about if patient was one of there family members>

Denise

ksf56's picture
ksf56
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2012

I'm sitting here crying with you! I was so scared when I had chemo. I swear I felt my heart breaking! I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling so alone too! It sucks!! Please know you aren't alone with us here - we all wish we could be there to bolster and support you there! Also, remember it's OK to cry - you are human! I hope someone comforts you the next time.

Prayers and hugs sent your way!
Karen

Noel's picture
Noel
Posts: 3101
Joined: Apr 2009

I am so very sorry Jamie. Your post just breaks my heart. I wish I could come thru this computer screen and give you a big hug. Please know we all love you and support you.

Big hugs, Noel

CypressCynthia's picture
CypressCynthia
Posts: 4017
Joined: Oct 2009

You remind me of my first ever appointment with a psychiatrist. I cried the whole visit and didn't think I was depressed...lol. Next visit, no crying and a world of difference. Even the sky appeared a bluer color and I swear there were no hallucinogenics involved.

The statistics on cancer and depression are not good (up to at least 25% clinically depressed). I feel strongly that treating the emotional side is nearly as important as the chemo and the rest of our treatments. I now only take a very small amount (1/2 lowest dose) of lexapro and that seems to really help me stay on an even keel. I do really have to watch what I eat as I seem to tend to gain weight on it. But I personally don't feel that I could battle this without my little bit of antidepressant.

Jamie, I sincerely hope that you have the same positive experience and are feeling better soon! Big (((hugs)))!!!

missrenee's picture
missrenee
Posts: 2137
Joined: Apr 2010

When I was re-diagnosed to Stage 4 and had to have rads again to my spine, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing as soon as I entered that room. The flood of memories and the fact that I'd hoped I'd never have to see that room again were overwhelming.

I think the fact that we've been through it before, and are having to do it again (although maybe in a different way) are enough to make anyone break down into tears.

But, in reading your last sentence, I know this will get better for you. You are Jaime, the warrior, and you will not only survive, but thrive.

Hugs, Renee

laughs_a_lot's picture
laughs_a_lot
Posts: 1369
Joined: Mar 2011

Having a disease threaten your life is a depressing thing. I had depression prior to bc as it tends to run in my family. You've heard the expression "The straw that broke the camel's back." No one would give a second thought to being treated for diabetes or high blood pressure. There is no shame in being depressed whether it is temporary or longstanding. Sometimes people don't know what to do when they see another cry. My typical reaction is this. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Often the answer is no but just aknowleging that you have something going on is a kindness. I hope this is the kind of reaction you get if you cry again.

EveningStar2's picture
EveningStar2
Posts: 494
Joined: Jan 2009

with laughs-a-lot. Being diagnosed with diabetes is a shocker too. There are a lot of changes that come with it and some "but I don't want to"s. The same as cancer? No, but it is not benign either. FWIW, I have both.

But about crying through treatment, oh yes. I didn't have chemo but when I was in the doctors office and realized that I would not be having reconstruction and I had to fight to get the non cancerous breast removed, I had a total melt down. And that is so not me. But apparently that is what I needed to do and so be it. At this point in the battle, you need to do what you need to do. You _are_ doing chemo which is what you need to do and if it is lubricated with tears, so? I hope you find someone in your circle or at the center to comfort you however.
And if you are used to being the strong one, like so many of us, *LET* them comfort you.

(((hugs)))

Maureen

trixytwo's picture
trixytwo
Posts: 59
Joined: Nov 2011

It broke my heart to hear you felt so alone. That is the worst I think. We might not be there physically, but mentally we are ALL with you, support you, and pray for the best for you. We do understand~!

Hugs
Deb

rallendorfer
Posts: 245
Joined: May 2012

I cried with you. It just seems that some days we are having to go it alone no matter how much we cry out for help, and other days everyone steps up and is kind and sympathetic. I went through that too at the hospital with all of the biopsies and tests. I couldn't understand why it went up and down like that. So glad you posted, because we will put our "virtual" arms around you and care for you.

Its good that you have some advice from the sisters in pink that have gone through similar chemo experiences to help you through it, too. At the time I read your post I was recovering from a severe allergic reaction to my 1st Taxotere infusion. 5 nurses, Benedryl and Morphine in the IV and and hour and a half later they started it back up with a slower drip and added Zantac for the reaction. Oh boy did that scare me. The pain was unbearable and I was moaning like a baby, heartrate way up. I can imagine how it would have felt if they had been unkind like your experience. But they were wonderful, and you will have wonderful nurses again too...just watch and see.

We love you sister!
Rebecca

Melaniedoingwell
Posts: 80
Joined: Nov 2011

I have cried in the infusion chair myself. My own experience, however, was one of sweet kindness and compassion from my chemo nurse. (I love, love, love my team and I know they love me!)

I took the lovely TCH "cocktails", and the Herceptin part was a year long infusion cycle.

For me part of the problem was not so much fear as anxiety. I bet you have that as well and that kept me from being able to sleep. My infusion days were Thursdays and I developed what I call 'Thursday-phobia'-- ask for an anti-anxiety rx. I started taking one on Wednesday evenings (Tuesdays too, when it was "cocktail" time) and was able to cope SO much better because I was able to sleep the night(s) before.

You can do this, but ask for the help that you obviously need in order to do this. There is no shame in crying and after all - you have reason to cry.

Best of luck!
Melanie

Txrosebud
Posts: 7
Joined: Jun 2012

All I want to do is hug you and tell you things will look better soon. I cry more on here than I do anywhere because I read post from woman I don't know but are so strong. I want to be part of that circle of strong woman who know that crying is not a weekness but a strength.

I am sorry for your bad experience but like the others have said speak-up and tell your team "I'm having a tough time here so please guide me through this". I got frustrated when my nurse started to freeze my port and I told her it burns after you stick it. Her response was the alcohol must be burning some. So I ask does this happen alot as she started to walk away. HELLLOOO, don't dismiss me cause I'm not one to sitback and be ignored. I was scared out of my mind even if I have my husband with me, I want answers and comfort. LOL Don't worry I didn't say that last part but that is how I am. Anyway she made sure to come check on me and asked if it was still burning and then said she was sorry if she came across hurried but they were short handed and couldn't spend the time with me like she would have normally. Next time she was great.

I will keep you in my prayers. Please really listen to your team but mainly your body so it can heal the way it is meant to. God bless you.

Jackie

VickiSam's picture
VickiSam
Posts: 8512
Joined: Aug 2009

Everyone has offer such great advise ...and I echo them all. As
wonderful as we all are, I think I am not going out on a limb by saying none of
us ever wanted to be HERE~ battling with, and talking about Cancer. It has
affected so much of our lives, as you know only too well.

We are supportive, try to enlighten fellow WARRIORS with out experience, or comfort
the bottom line is, we have all been altered by this disease.

The difficulties, memories and scars that are a part of our new 'normal', from our first go around, now becomes our first thoughts as we enter the chemo rooms, Oncologist
office, or wait for those test results. Tears are cathartic for us all!

Jamie, You have your grrrr on, no doubt about it! I am so proud of you, and
have no question that you will emerge victorious!

Gentle hugs as well as tears for you,

Vicki Sam

jamiegww's picture
jamiegww
Posts: 384
Joined: Dec 2009

You all reminded me that I'm not ever alone in this battle. Next time I will try to picture you all dancing around, doing cartwheels, and maybe a little karaoke. I wasn't feeling well yesterday but I think I had a little infection going on (not sure if it was from the port or the burn I got Wednesday when my arm got too friendly with the hot oven door). The antibiotic must have kicked in because I feel much better this morning. I think I am almost standing up straight today...Yipee. For now, I need to go back to taking it one day at a time instead of trying to look too far ahead. Today is a good day (for which I am grateful) and tomorrow may or may not be a good day but I'm not going to worry about it until tomorrow. Bless you all for helping me through this!!!

HUGS!!!
Jamie

Gabe N Abby Mom's picture
Gabe N Abby Mom
Posts: 2415
Joined: Sep 2010

Jamie, I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better today. We are all allowed to have those days when we are just overwhelmed with emotions, and the release of crying is healing. I hope each day continues to get better and better for you.

Hugs,

Linda

missrenee's picture
missrenee
Posts: 2137
Joined: Apr 2010

I love what you said about trying to take it one day at a time. Otherwise, the whole picture is way too overwhelming. Hang in there, sweet girl. I'm glad you can feel us circling the wagons around you.

Hugs, Renee

Lynn Smith
Posts: 1265
Joined: Mar 2011

I didn't have chemo or radiation but believe me I would cry the first time the second time and so on.I wouldn't stop crying till they told me the cancer was GONE.

Cry plus Pray.Praying gets me through alot and crying is natural for those with cancer.I am a 3 year survivor and still have my private moments of crying.

Wishing you the very best. So many on here have gone through chemo more than once and doing good.I am so happy for them and want the same for you.

Lynn Smith

New Flower
Posts: 4142
Joined: Aug 2009

Jamie,
I am glad to hear that you have been feeling better.
Grief is a gradual process. You have been through a lot for a past several week, it is normal to cry your sorrow out. It hard to face stage IV diagnosis, reality of undergoing Chemo treatment again, lack of compassion, challenges with insurance, scheduling, lazy nurses, what else is on a survivor list? Well if crying like a baby is your way of grieving, so be it.
Please do not forget to bring a bunny movie at your next infusion session.
Hugs

Frankie Shannon
Posts: 457
Joined: Oct 2011

Jamie i'm so glad your doing better,there is know shame in crying like a baby it cleanses our sole,i cried juat reading your post and i can't relate to what you where going through as i never had chemo or rads as i had bil mastectomy with Tamoxifen for 5 years.Yes take it one day at a time as there will be good days and bad hopefully more good than bad.Live,Laugh and Love.
Hugs FRankie

sea60's picture
sea60
Posts: 2601
Joined: May 2010

I wish I was there to hold your hand and give you a great big hug. If my sister would have been there, she would have got up, snacks in tow and sat with you. She was like that. I love her dearly but I would "share" her with others because she has a heart as big as Texas and would shuffle around visiting others. Especially those who were by themselves.

I pray you'll feel more comforted next time or run into someone like my sister.

Sending you cyber hugs,

Sylvia

LoveBabyJesus's picture
LoveBabyJesus
Posts: 1659
Joined: Jan 2011

Sweet Jamie - It's OK to cry. I cried for a few days, when I didn't know what was going to happen to me. I spent nights on the floor crying in the living room (for other reasons too), but this helped me too. I was able to recharge and get my strength back. I think we need to cry sometimes. To give in to allow the body to let go. Tears can wash off our fears allowing us to look at a brighter day.

We can cry together!

Praying everything goes smoothly for you and you experience NO problems at all. I hope you feel better soon.

Sending you a big hug.

creampuff91344's picture
creampuff91344
Posts: 989
Joined: Nov 2008

Jamie, I can so relate to your fear and crying during treatment, and hope that the pink sisters above have been able to help you through the tears. Chemo is not something to be taken lightly, if it is your first round, or your fifth.....chemo is literally killing the cells of your body, and that includes the good ones as well as the bad. I also tried to talk my way out of chemo, but my oncologist just said, "If it were my Mother or Sister, I would strongly suggest that they undergo the chemotheraphy treatment". How can your argue with that kind of statement. One thing I would caution you about is the nausea meds you have been given. Make sure that you are not prescribed the drug Reglan. If this is one of the meds you have been prescribed, please research this drug on the internet, and also go to the FDA internet site. There has been a Black Box rating placed on this drug, and even though it is proven to be more harmful for "elderly females", I would be cautious about taking Reglan. I took it for three months while finishing up my last three treatments of TAC, and it did stop the nausea. However, about a year later I was diagnosed with Tardive Dyskinesia, which is a neurological disorder that is permanent, treatment is hard on your body, and this will be my fight until the day I die. There is no cure for this disease, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I have been a crusader against this drug since I was diagnosed, and hope this is not one of the drugs you were prescribed.

Take care of you, cry when you feel like it, but don't let this diagnosis be crippling. I decided early on that I didn't want the word "cancer" to describe me as a person. Friends and family are your supporters, but sometimes they tend to treat you differently than before the cancer diagnosis. You are still the same person, and you should not be looked at any differently by the world. I know this is hard for you to go through, but just know there is plenty of support here on the Board. Rant and rave all you want, and no one will criticze or judge. We are a group who knows the feeling of having to battle for your life, and everyone has been where you are. There is so much valuable information coming from those of us who have been there, and all are willing to help answer any questions you have. Hang in there, dear Jamie.

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

Wish I had been there to hold your hand and give you the biggest hug ever Jamie! I pray everything will work out the best for you.

Hugs, Lex

MsGebby's picture
MsGebby
Posts: 659
Joined: Oct 2011

what would you do if didn't / couldn't cry? Something to think about. Crying is a huge release and we as humans need this kind of release. You have every right to feel the way you do!

I wanted to punch the lights out of the people who had no concern whatsoever about the scared lady sitting by herself. GRRRRRRR that really pissed me off. When I was doing radiation, I was the "go to" person that others talked to. I don't know why but I seemed to be the chosen one. It was my purpose to be there for them. The funny thing is .... here I am going through the same thing as most of the other ladies, and NOT one of them stopped to ask me how I was doing. Humans are fickle. (a caregiver did talk to me on a few occasions about my well being and that made me feel great)

I feel sorry for those who can't give of themselves to those in need.

Hold my cyber hand next time you feel like crying. And I will sing a lullabye. Love the song (Beatles).

Praying that this gets a little easier for you with time.

Sending hugs ...

xoxoxo
Mary

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