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Friday funnies...

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Going to Yosemite and Lake Tahoe for a bit of R&R next week, thought I'd leave some smiles for all of you in the meantime...

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were
not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed
nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for
leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her
theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I
came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot
was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then
I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always
call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and
it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped,
but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car."

Yep . . . it's the golden years!

-----------------------------------------------

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day
the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on
the mirror.

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Fridays with laughter,perfect recipe for the weekend. Very cute.

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 402
Joined: Feb 2009

I couldn't find my keys this morning- not in my purse. Looked in the front door lock, on the outside, and there they were.
"anonymous"
donna_lee

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1901
Joined: Oct 2011

A woman gives birth to twin boys. Unfortunately, she has to give them up for adoption. One son is adopted by an Egyptian family. They named him Amal. The other boy is adopted by a Spanish family. They named him Juan. Years later, Juan decides to get in touch with his birth mother and sends her a picture of himself. As she looks at it she says to her husband, "boy, I wish I had a picture of my other son Amal also." Her husband says," You don't need 2 pictures. They are identical twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

sunlover_56's picture
sunlover_56
Posts: 110
Joined: Apr 2012

hehehe

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 1529
Joined: Jan 2010

Recently an eight month pregnant woman was rushed to the hospital by her brother in law after a minor accident. Her husband was overseas in the Marines. As soon as she got there she delivered a set of heathy twins, a girl and a boy. She however went back into a deep sleep after the delivery. The next day she woke up and was told that her brother in law had to give names to the babies. She screamed and yelled knowing the brother in law was an idiot. She asked for the name of the girl and was told he named her Deniece. Oh how nice. I didn't think he could come up with such a nice name. And the boy's name. Denephew.

Icemantoo

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 402
Joined: Feb 2009

And the new mother was asked what she named her baby. She said the nurses had already named her. What was the name, and she replied, "Fe-ma-le."
donna_lee

littledarlin's picture
littledarlin
Posts: 102
Joined: Mar 2012

You got us rolling around and laughing on the floor today.
Thanks for the laughs everyone..Laughter is great medicine..

littledarlin....

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

An elderly woman was sipping on a glass of good wine and spending quality time with her husband on their patio. She says, "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you. He looks deep in her eyes and asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me. . . talking to the wine."

sunlover_56's picture
sunlover_56
Posts: 110
Joined: Apr 2012

Two blondes were walking in the woods.. they came apon a set of tracks. The first blonde said they were deer tracks. The second blonde swore they were moose tracks. They were both still arguing about it when the train hit them!!

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Good one! How are you doing? I've been thinking of you. Email me if you prefer.

sunlover_56's picture
sunlover_56
Posts: 110
Joined: Apr 2012

I am doing good. Thank you for asking. I still have my weekend job and have been applying to a few places but nothing yet.. Thats ok for now. I am getting my unemployment. After everything I have been through since Sept (flood, cancer, etc) I am kinda just trying to enjoy life a little. The inside of my home is pretty much done. I just need baseboards. I am just now getting back some interest in fixing up my front porch and patio, which were also a mess from the flood. I bought some new lawn furniture, flowers and such. It feels good to get some of my "get up and go" back .. lol..My first scan is in August. I am trying not to think to much about it, but I do have confidence it will be NED. It has to be, right? lol My dad starts his treatment for his bladder cancer on the 29th. Praying that all goes well. They are going to inject through a cathetor (sp) directing into his bladder the live TB virus. Strange huh. Doc tells us that is effective on bladder cancer ..hmmmmm go figure. Sorry I havent posted back sooner on my life thus far. But I do come here every day and get encouragement from all of you. Thank you

~Judy~

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Judy,

You sound wonderful; your entire attitude seems rejuvenated. It sounds like your energy level is back to where it was (how else could you be doing all that work?) and you sound upbeat, positive, and confident. You'll be a huge help to your dad; you're now an experienced survivor.

I'm with you on being confident your scan on August 1 will be NED.

P.S. Any chance you'll be Baltimore when you're done with your house? I've been making a list of all the things I need to get done at home--but I'll end up pumping up the service economy. I've always wanted to be one of the DIY handywomen, but have failed miserably. So carpenters, painters, etc. I'll be calling. . .

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Subject: The Harley-Davidson Motorcycle

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur , 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

sunlover_56's picture
sunlover_56
Posts: 110
Joined: Apr 2012

May be a biker joke but made me giggle :-)

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

While I was a little hesitant to post this, my husband--John--asked that I share this stock tip...

___________________________

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I suppose its stereo or surround sound depending on, well you get the picture.

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1901
Joined: Oct 2011

Do you know what will happen to my tweeter?

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Be kind to your dentist - he has fillings, too.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

For all my grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,” This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful
and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the
manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What
was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle ...

sunlover_56's picture
sunlover_56
Posts: 110
Joined: Apr 2012

hehe.. I love it

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 402
Joined: Feb 2009

Every time I see the word Yosemite, I'm reminded of my now 46 year old school teacher daughter when she was learning to read. She talked about "Yo-sah-mite." When I told her second grade teacher she was teaching primary and special ed, the teacher looked dumbfounded, because "K" had never had much patience. Hey, they do grow up and find their niche.
Hope the 4th was a good day for all.
donna_lee

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years

Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Great wisdom in these words and funny too. Plus it's Friday. Thanks Gary!

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

An old one but it is Friday after all!

Businessman was attending a conference in Africa . He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

"Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 19 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman, "but what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?" "It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4.

"It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.

The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa . You're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5. "Good to avoid those bushes on the right,"
says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.

"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is a stroke 17, You don't get a shot here."

And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

These are sentences exactly as typed by National Health Service medical secretaries:

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Gary, have you considered remedial education?

Where do you get these from? My Wife protested that my guffaws were disturbing her concentration in another room and I nearly did myself an injury trying to keep quiet when reading quite a few of them.

NewDay's picture
NewDay
Posts: 172
Joined: May 2012

I'm going to have to avoid this thread for a while. This was just too funny and it hurts to laugh right now.

Kathy

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

…and that's when the fight started.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

…and that's when the fight started.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

…and that's when the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "he's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

…and that's when the fight started.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

…and that's when the fight started.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's
back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

…and that's when the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
"I bought her a bathroom scale.

…and that's when the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She
said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

…and that's when the fight started.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible.

I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

…and that's when the fight started.

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

…and that's when the fight started.

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

I came in from a day’s shopping and caught my husband watching porn. As I entered the room, he quickly changed the channel to golf.

I stopped in my tracks and asked him, “Why not put it back on the pornography channel? You already know how to play golf.”

And that’s when the fight started. . .

aditya_fighter
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2012

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I have not been in a long time. So I took her to the kitchen.

And that's when the fight started.

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of beer.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream..

And that's when the fight started….

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive…
So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started…

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

You've now shown beyond doubt that you belong here :)

toolman1's picture
toolman1
Posts: 44
Joined: Jul 2012

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock - seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'you idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
__________________

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

7. Virginity can be cured.

8. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

9. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

11. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

A little early, but I won't be around tomorrow...keep laughing

NewDay's picture
NewDay
Posts: 172
Joined: May 2012

Bumping this thread back up hoping somebody can provide some laughs.

enae
Posts: 18
Joined: Aug 2012

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Well, Kathy, despite Gary having not yet noticed it's Friday, you got your wish, thanks to Ena! A bit more weekend therapy would be welcome - how about it Gary?

NewDay's picture
NewDay
Posts: 172
Joined: May 2012

I'm bad at repeating jokes, but I'll try. Borrowing this one from my pastor.

He preached a sermon at a church where he talked about whether all stories in the bible should be taken literally, such as whether Jonah actually was swallowed by a whale. After the service, a woman gave him a scolding saying "You shouldn't say such things. Of course Jonah was swallowed by a whale just as the bible says." He said "Well, I'll ask him when I get to heaven". She said "What if he didn't go to heaven?" He said "Then you can ask him."

aditya_fighter
Posts: 20
Joined: Jul 2012

A male dentist was removing a lady's tooth.
He said: Maam, you are holding my balls!
She said: I know! Its just to remind you that we are not going to hurt each other.

TRUST is the most important virtue in any relationship!
You must be 100% sure that SHE won't tell your wife.

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Since there’s been a lapse in Gary’s Friday funnies, my bet is Gary’s away taking a well deserved vacation or road trip. So I’m going to try and help the void and contribute an old favorite.

_____________________________

It was Parents Day hosted by Ms. Long’s fourth grade class in a Bronx elementary school. Mrs. Long had just completed reviewing the five basic senses with the class. She then talked about how we often use the different senses in tandem with each other. To illustrate how the sense of taste and sight work together, she asked for volunteers.

Several hands went up including little Johnny. Johnny came from a difficult family life and was known for a raunchy mouth and inappropriate answers, Ms. Long decided he was one volunteer she would stay away from, particularly with parents in the classroom. So she called on Mary. Mary came to the front of the class and was blindfolded. After blindfolding, Mrs. Long placed a cherry lifesaver in her mouth and asked Mary to tell the class what was in her mouth. Mary sucked on the lifesaver and said, “I don’t know Ms. Long.” Ms. Long encouraged her to keep trying and Mary finally said, “it kind of tastes like a cherry lifesaver.” Mrs. Long said, “excellent” and Mary returned to her seat. She then asked for a second volunteer and Bobby came forward. This time Mrs. Long put a lemon drop in his mouth, and after some difficulty, Bobby identified it correctly.

She then asked for a third volunteer. Again little Johnny’s hand was quickly in the air but was ignored, and Robby was chosen to come forward. After blindfolding, Ms. Long placed a Hershey’s kiss in his mouth and Robby began sucking on it. However, after several incorrect guesses, Ms. Long told Robby she would give him a hint.
She said “it’s something your mommy gives your daddy every night before she goes to bed.” With that, little Johnny jumped from his seat yelling, “Spit it out. It’s a piece of ass.”

alice124's picture
alice124
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Joined: Mar 2012

duplicate 1

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alice124
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Joined: Mar 2012

duplicate 2

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
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Please don't anybody ask how I know this is a true story!

An 80 year old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the man is in and asks,
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm Scottish and a golfer' says the man,'and that's why I'm in such good shape'.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways'.
'I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well'.
'I'm sure that helps 'says the doctor,'but surely there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad was dead?'
The doctor is amazed.'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old' says the golfer,'in fact, he golfed with me this morning,and then he went to the topless beach for a walk,it's good for his eyesight, and had another wee dram, and that's why he's still alive'He's Scottish and also a golfer.'
'Well,' the doctor says 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.How about your Dad's Dad?
How old was he when he died?'
'Who said he was dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks,'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old' says the Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting very frustrated at this point,'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae - he's getting married today'.
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.'Getting married!!-why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Wonderful stuff in a dram!

garym's picture
garym
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The wife left a note on the fridge.........
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my friends!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........

What the heck is she talking about?!!

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

I knew we could depend on you Gary - as good as ever. I particularly loved the first one - a subtle bit of observation that seemed to me as if it could have come from Paul Hogan back in the days of his brilliant TV comedy show (did it really finish 28 years ago - gosh!).

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

For a different sort of smile, try this exercise video that my Daughter emailed me a few moments ago:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2rMAzWm3a8

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I thought cats were untrainable, but your daughter is cute

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Some cats are trainable but my Daughter is cute and is nuts about cats. However, that's not her - as you may have noticed it's an item put on YouTube by someone who uses the Cyrillic alphabet. It may be Russian? I'm too ill-educated to know better. I'd ask my Wife but she's immersed in improving her grasp of the Objective C programming language for mobile app development and I don't dare interrupt her other than to supply the endless cups of tea that that enterprise evidently requires :)

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Gary, I was going to comment on how cute the cat is. Funny how our minds work in the same way (NOT)!

Tex - my cats do this to me too when I exercise but it can be a painful workout if I'm not terribly careful. They have a tendency to hang on with their claws with movemnet so unless I'm wearing heavy workout gear, it can get painful very quickly. If I had to guess regarding the video, I'd say that cat was declawed, somethng I prefer not to do to my cats but I do feel the pain as a result.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Alice, do you have an exercise video to show us (heavy workout gear not necessary)?

Our cats (no longer with us and still greatly missed) used to like to chase golf balls when I practised chipping on the lawn. Indoors they would seek attention by settling on my computer keyboard as I sat at my PC - happy times - now about that exercise video :)

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