When people say stupid things
So, my sisters in pink, how do you respond to the stupid things people say? Witty rejoinders would be most appreciated!
Yours in Pink,
Annie
Comments
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Wow....
I have heard some crazy ones too! I usually don't respond and just give a look like I am amazed at their ignorance. Remaining silent and staring at them for a few seconds usually makes them feel uncomfortable. I think most people who have not been through it just plain don't realize how they sound, and later when think about it probably regret what they have said. We should all think before we speak. Along with breast cancer, I am recovering from anal cancer so I hear a lot. I also notice people's eyes checking both my chest and my butt as though they may see something unusual???? I am trying to just blow it off, but does sometimes get to me too! Takes all kinds to make this world an interesting place to visit!0 -
Even though what the person
Even though what the person is saying is often not the right thing to say, I try to assume they have good intentions. I try and thank them for their concern/advice, and then leave or change the subject. Of course, I'm not always able to be so noble...
I'm sorry you've had reason to find us. But know that you can share anything here, it is the safest place I've ever found.
Hugs,
Linda0 -
saying stupid things
Annanza,
I would say I'm not poisoning my body I want to stay alive. I never had anyone say anything like that. They just wished me luck and said they will say a prayer. I was upbeat through the whole chemo and radiatin thing. Now I'm cancer free. 1 year now0 -
I try to be polite
But I won't listen to stories that don't have happy endings. And 1 of the 1st things my PCP told me before my dx, while waiting on biopsy was not to let ANYBODY 2nd guess me. I have stuck to that by just blowing off what those folks say. They have no clue.
Hang in there,
Jennifer0 -
oh my! i haven't had those
oh my! i haven't had those said to me...i would just smile and nod
. They probably really don't know what to say and that comes out...but the comment about poisoning you body!? it's how we have to fight....we want to live...we want to be survivors...and i look up to and admire all who have to endure this ugly disease...they are some of the strongest people i know...its a hard battle. but praying about it is what helped me through and i look at all the blessings God has giving me. i will be praying for you as you start on this journey. 0 -
OK
NOW ... I would never actually say this to someone...BUT my come back would've been ...
Are you naturally stupid or do you practice at it??? LOL
Someone once replied to me (after learning it's Stage II) "Well, that's a good thing, right?" I did answer that one with "Cancer is never a good thing" and then dropped the subject.
Most folks are too nervous and don't know what to say. We've all been there. Now when I hear some off comments, I simply smile and say nothing. For me, at this point, I don't want to talk about it outside of 2 or 3 people in my life.
I am thinking the person's remark to you was truly one of concern because that person doesn't understand this world. However, assuming this person was an adult, I would also think they would know when to shut up and keep their remarks to themselves.
Keeping you in my prayers ...
xoxo
Mary0 -
I have a good friend....
Who is a hypochondriac. She has been going to various doctors & emergency rooms for as long as I know her (20 years) & she is lucky enough to have never has any health issues. I have had an insane year. A year ago I had a hysterectomy & 6 months later diagnosed with BC. My double mastectomy was rescheduled because I came down with pneumonia & while having an abdominal cat scan done for the pneumonia they discovered 2 - 4" cysts on my left ovary ( hysterectomy just removed my uterus). 2 days before my rescheduled double mastectomy she called me. She has had a lot of stress with financial issues, not being able to pay her mortgage, but it has been going on for 2 years. she called me & said " Faith you have no idea. My whole body is falling apart from the stress." No witty reply from me. Just told her I had to get off the phone & I would call her back & I didn't. Sometimes it is better to say nothing & just concentrate on yourself,0 -
After a while you kind of get use to it.
When I get the stupid comments now, I don't always respond, sometimes I will laugh. I think most people are afraid of cancer and don't always know how to respond or what to say and what they say comes out wrong. However, some comments have been mean and thoughtless, those are the ones that get to me.
I have flat out told a few that they said was a mean comment, did you mean it that way? I say it in a matter of fact manor so it doesn't come out as an attack on them, just makes them think. Then I will answer or respond accordingly.
I have thought about this a lot in the past and truly don't feel that most people intend to be insensitive. But there have been a couple of friends who I really no longer talk to because they were always negative or would intentionally say mean things. My fight it with the cancer and I don't have the energy or the time for people like this.
Hopefully you can keep a sense of humor with the stupid comments, sometimes they hurt, but try not to take it too personally.
Carol0 -
The comment I got tired ofcamul said:After a while you kind of get use to it.
When I get the stupid comments now, I don't always respond, sometimes I will laugh. I think most people are afraid of cancer and don't always know how to respond or what to say and what they say comes out wrong. However, some comments have been mean and thoughtless, those are the ones that get to me.
I have flat out told a few that they said was a mean comment, did you mean it that way? I say it in a matter of fact manor so it doesn't come out as an attack on them, just makes them think. Then I will answer or respond accordingly.
I have thought about this a lot in the past and truly don't feel that most people intend to be insensitive. But there have been a couple of friends who I really no longer talk to because they were always negative or would intentionally say mean things. My fight it with the cancer and I don't have the energy or the time for people like this.
Hopefully you can keep a sense of humor with the stupid comments, sometimes they hurt, but try not to take it too personally.
Carol
The comment I got tired of hearing was, "Well, if you had to get cancer, this is the type to get..." Hmmm... did I have a choice? Could I have picked out a new puppy instead? And, two years later, I don't 'look sick'... When I have bone pain or fatigue from Tamoxifen, and just want to spend the day sleeping, I catch heck because I don't 'look' sick. Cancer is gone.. I should be back to normal now.
There's always going to be someone who has had it worse than anybody, to hear them tell it. And the cousin's sister's neighbor's daughter's teacher twice removed who went through 'just the exact same thing as you..only she didn't make it'... People don't really know what to say. I think cancer does make everyone uncomfortable and scared. And they don't want to say out loud, "Man, that really sucks. But I'm glad it didn't happen to me. Not that it should've happened to you, I'm just glad it's not me."
One of my 'in-laws' was telling my M-I-L that she didn't understand why I felt so bad all the time. That my cancer wasn't serious, I didn't have chemo, so why am I tired and worn out all the time? (the whole don't look sick thing) Never mind that radiation is hard on the body. Never mind the estrogen-blocker with a bazillion side-effects to choose from. SHE didn't think I should be feeling the way I do, and she has never met anyone with so many health problems, etc, etc, yadda yadda. Whatever. I get upset when I feel I have to justify my health issues. I don't want to explain why I'm tired and want to go to sleep at 7pm. Just move out the way and let me go to bed. Grrr....
Julie0 -
I'm sitting here shaking my head!JuJuBeez said:The comment I got tired of
The comment I got tired of hearing was, "Well, if you had to get cancer, this is the type to get..." Hmmm... did I have a choice? Could I have picked out a new puppy instead? And, two years later, I don't 'look sick'... When I have bone pain or fatigue from Tamoxifen, and just want to spend the day sleeping, I catch heck because I don't 'look' sick. Cancer is gone.. I should be back to normal now.
There's always going to be someone who has had it worse than anybody, to hear them tell it. And the cousin's sister's neighbor's daughter's teacher twice removed who went through 'just the exact same thing as you..only she didn't make it'... People don't really know what to say. I think cancer does make everyone uncomfortable and scared. And they don't want to say out loud, "Man, that really sucks. But I'm glad it didn't happen to me. Not that it should've happened to you, I'm just glad it's not me."
One of my 'in-laws' was telling my M-I-L that she didn't understand why I felt so bad all the time. That my cancer wasn't serious, I didn't have chemo, so why am I tired and worn out all the time? (the whole don't look sick thing) Never mind that radiation is hard on the body. Never mind the estrogen-blocker with a bazillion side-effects to choose from. SHE didn't think I should be feeling the way I do, and she has never met anyone with so many health problems, etc, etc, yadda yadda. Whatever. I get upset when I feel I have to justify my health issues. I don't want to explain why I'm tired and want to go to sleep at 7pm. Just move out the way and let me go to bed. Grrr....
Julie
Wow! It's incredible what can come out of people's mouths when they don't know what to say! I've gotten the - not looking me in the face when it's obvious I have no hair due to the chemo hat etc. To saying I look good when I feel like crap. To my aunt had breast cancer but she's dead as the sentence trails off when they realize what they're saying. I just smile away. I particularly like the ones that respond that they know how I feel because they've had ... an appendectomy, c-section, food poisoning, pneumonia...whatever. People are scared of what we have. We're living their worst nightmare. But we're living right? All anyone needs to say is "I'm sorry you're going through this". I've really gotten an insight into what to say myself. It's been an education!
I'm all done with the treatment phase now - thank God! My hair is growing and I'm enjoying feeling better! I'm going to make sure I never say any of the cracked things I've heard to anybody who's grieving or sick. I'm particularily sensitive to this because my mom was known to say inappropriate things to people. She never got it either.
Thanks for letting me vent about this - I've learned to laugh about it 'cause it can be funny.
Karen0 -
2 helpful responses I learned on this boardksf56 said:I'm sitting here shaking my head!
Wow! It's incredible what can come out of people's mouths when they don't know what to say! I've gotten the - not looking me in the face when it's obvious I have no hair due to the chemo hat etc. To saying I look good when I feel like crap. To my aunt had breast cancer but she's dead as the sentence trails off when they realize what they're saying. I just smile away. I particularly like the ones that respond that they know how I feel because they've had ... an appendectomy, c-section, food poisoning, pneumonia...whatever. People are scared of what we have. We're living their worst nightmare. But we're living right? All anyone needs to say is "I'm sorry you're going through this". I've really gotten an insight into what to say myself. It's been an education!
I'm all done with the treatment phase now - thank God! My hair is growing and I'm enjoying feeling better! I'm going to make sure I never say any of the cracked things I've heard to anybody who's grieving or sick. I'm particularily sensitive to this because my mom was known to say inappropriate things to people. She never got it either.
Thanks for letting me vent about this - I've learned to laugh about it 'cause it can be funny.
Karen
Annie,
Two responses I learned on this board that have been really helpful in setting boundaries and keeping my sanity:
- For the baking soda-cures-cancer type of comments, or why don't you just do yoga instead of chemo, respond with something like, "I've made the decision to follow my doctor's recommendations, and I'm going to stick with his/her treatment plan." If you need to, add, "...because this is my body, and my decision."
- When someone starts talking about their cousin's sister's neighbor's daughter's veterinarian twice removed who had cancer, put your hand up like you're telling them to "stop," and say something like "If this story had a happy ending, then go ahead. If it doesn't have a happy ending, then I don't want to hear it."
As for "I know how you feel -- I had a tonsillectomy"....oh my goodness. I probably wouldn't have been able to hold myself back from a b*tchy response, like "Yes, but tonsillitis can't kill you, so I don't think it's appropriate to compare it to cancer."
Traci0 -
Funny one recentlyTraciInLA said:2 helpful responses I learned on this board
Annie,
Two responses I learned on this board that have been really helpful in setting boundaries and keeping my sanity:
- For the baking soda-cures-cancer type of comments, or why don't you just do yoga instead of chemo, respond with something like, "I've made the decision to follow my doctor's recommendations, and I'm going to stick with his/her treatment plan." If you need to, add, "...because this is my body, and my decision."
- When someone starts talking about their cousin's sister's neighbor's daughter's veterinarian twice removed who had cancer, put your hand up like you're telling them to "stop," and say something like "If this story had a happy ending, then go ahead. If it doesn't have a happy ending, then I don't want to hear it."
As for "I know how you feel -- I had a tonsillectomy"....oh my goodness. I probably wouldn't have been able to hold myself back from a b*tchy response, like "Yes, but tonsillitis can't kill you, so I don't think it's appropriate to compare it to cancer."
Traci
Had cataracts from the chemo/steroids removed, the nurse called to tell me what to do pre.-op. Asked my meds, told her. She then said you have cancer? me: yes. nurse: What is your prognosis? me: stage iv. nurse: yes, but what is your prognosis? Me: I am stage iv. nurse: I heard that, what is the prognosis? me: I am terminal. Nurse: yes, but what is your prognosis? Me (finally): I will die! Nurse: That was blunt! Me: You asked, let me see 4x. Did you have a need to know? Nurse: NO, I was just asking. Me: Than maybe you should have either 1, listened the first time I said stage iv, or 2 Not asked if you didn't have a need to know. Nurse: Well.... Me: Maybe you need to stick to your questions on your list? Are we done now? Nurse: yes. I said thank you, (I was cracking up at this point), and hung up.
The next morning when I arrived at the surgery center, I asked Lynn, the nurse who was assigned to me, who Julie the nurse is who I talked to on the phone. She pointed her out! She did not come within 10 feet of me and I was there for an hour while they put drops in my eyes.
2 days later when they did the 2nd eye, she assisted the Dr. (laugh). I don't think she said 2 words while he did the procedure, which thankfully only took 18 minutes, and I didn't let on that I knew who she was!0 -
You listen and learncamul said:Funny one recently
Had cataracts from the chemo/steroids removed, the nurse called to tell me what to do pre.-op. Asked my meds, told her. She then said you have cancer? me: yes. nurse: What is your prognosis? me: stage iv. nurse: yes, but what is your prognosis? Me: I am stage iv. nurse: I heard that, what is the prognosis? me: I am terminal. Nurse: yes, but what is your prognosis? Me (finally): I will die! Nurse: That was blunt! Me: You asked, let me see 4x. Did you have a need to know? Nurse: NO, I was just asking. Me: Than maybe you should have either 1, listened the first time I said stage iv, or 2 Not asked if you didn't have a need to know. Nurse: Well.... Me: Maybe you need to stick to your questions on your list? Are we done now? Nurse: yes. I said thank you, (I was cracking up at this point), and hung up.
The next morning when I arrived at the surgery center, I asked Lynn, the nurse who was assigned to me, who Julie the nurse is who I talked to on the phone. She pointed her out! She did not come within 10 feet of me and I was there for an hour while they put drops in my eyes.
2 days later when they did the 2nd eye, she assisted the Dr. (laugh). I don't think she said 2 words while he did the procedure, which thankfully only took 18 minutes, and I didn't let on that I knew who she was!
learn to laugh in my case. It took me some time though
I must admit and of course masterful teachers ( just
read camul's post (:, if you know what I mean)
After a while I just decided I am a member of a club -
a club with a secret that connects us all. And all those
comments, clever tips and miracle cures just made me smile
and realize how much cancer taught me. I know they don't
mean any harm, it is just that they don't get it. It really
is that simple... Until they are in our shoes they won't
know. That is why I come to this site for UNDERSTANDING (:
Hugs,
Ayse0 -
Faith:Faith1122 said:I have a good friend....
Who is a hypochondriac. She has been going to various doctors & emergency rooms for as long as I know her (20 years) & she is lucky enough to have never has any health issues. I have had an insane year. A year ago I had a hysterectomy & 6 months later diagnosed with BC. My double mastectomy was rescheduled because I came down with pneumonia & while having an abdominal cat scan done for the pneumonia they discovered 2 - 4" cysts on my left ovary ( hysterectomy just removed my uterus). 2 days before my rescheduled double mastectomy she called me. She has had a lot of stress with financial issues, not being able to pay her mortgage, but it has been going on for 2 years. she called me & said " Faith you have no idea. My whole body is falling apart from the stress." No witty reply from me. Just told her I had to get off the phone & I would call her back & I didn't. Sometimes it is better to say nothing & just concentrate on yourself,
sorry friend is that
Faith:
sorry friend is that was...she must have much good in her to stay friends that long...
I have people say to me "OH YOU ONLY HAD surgery &Radiation!>>>>Like not cancer if not chemo (mind you exactly year ago complete gysterctomy due to Tamoxifen.
Thinking of you..
Denise0 -
All these comments sounds
All these comments sounds like they came out of mouths of kids not knowing better..IF their child said it to you..I am sure they would try to hush them...yet they say same thing and think nothing of it..!
I visit nursing home daily (bring young grandsons) they point and ask what oxegen is or bed lifts etc..I NICELY whisper in ear..when we go out you can ask me any questions but in here don't it can make some patients sad (seniors)
they understand and do wait (ages 5 & 7 yrs)
\
Denise0 -
bumping up ...disneyfan2008 said:All these comments sounds
All these comments sounds like they came out of mouths of kids not knowing better..IF their child said it to you..I am sure they would try to hush them...yet they say same thing and think nothing of it..!
I visit nursing home daily (bring young grandsons) they point and ask what oxegen is or bed lifts etc..I NICELY whisper in ear..when we go out you can ask me any questions but in here don't it can make some patients sad (seniors)
they understand and do wait (ages 5 & 7 yrs)
\
Denise
.....0 -
Had lady tell me she knew
Had lady tell me she knew what I was going thru. her dog had cancer the year before but the chemo treatments weren't working so they had to but the dog down. With a straight face I told her my treatments were working so I wouldn't have to be put down. She gave me a quick hug wished me well and was gone. I thought my friend who was with me head was going to explode. She was furious and then got mad at me cuz I thought it was funny.0 -
people just dont' think orsweetvickid said:Had lady tell me she knew
Had lady tell me she knew what I was going thru. her dog had cancer the year before but the chemo treatments weren't working so they had to but the dog down. With a straight face I told her my treatments were working so I wouldn't have to be put down. She gave me a quick hug wished me well and was gone. I thought my friend who was with me head was going to explode. She was furious and then got mad at me cuz I thought it was funny.
people just dont' think or dont' care..but I THINK lack of thinking..
my daughter (at the time was about 15 yrs old...a so called friend said to her I can't wait until YOUR Mom loses all her hair!
she was very very upset...I did not have chemo so DID not lose it..but I told her...I just know mean person and doesn't bother me so to just let it go! Many say hurtful things...
Denise0 -
My reply...disneyfan2008 said:people just dont' think or
people just dont' think or dont' care..but I THINK lack of thinking..
my daughter (at the time was about 15 yrs old...a so called friend said to her I can't wait until YOUR Mom loses all her hair!
she was very very upset...I did not have chemo so DID not lose it..but I told her...I just know mean person and doesn't bother me so to just let it go! Many say hurtful things...
Denise
When people start telling me a "story" I just, as someone said, I put my hand up and say...." if this doesn't have a happy ending I don't want to hear it! " when I had my first diagnoses, I had a precious friend who constantly told me what and what not I should put in my body and on my body...meaning everything needed to be " organic" ...she almost did me in with flax seed muffins...they were delicious...they were BIG muffins,homemade and I was eating 2-3 a day...well you can imagine how much time I was spending in the bathroom! I had no idea what flax seed did....duh! Finally made the connection...duh again! And she even brought me organic shampoo...I had to laugh at that....I was bald...lol. Finally after, honestly getting tired of her "thoughtfulness" on ever thing had to be organic, I had to say..." Diana, I appreciate all you've done for me, I know you're organic, but you have BOTOX injections...how organic is that?". ..even she had to laugh....
I, also, when given medical advice, I just say I have 3 physicians and I follow their advice...I was much more tolerant with my first diagnoses than I have been this past year since my recurrence...less patient..
Hugs, Nancy0
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