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Let me grieve!!

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

I am doing well. Thats my phrase I tell everyone who asks how I'm doing. My skin actually crawls when I hear that question because they don't really want to go through all the layers of emotions I'm feeling so I give them what they want to hear. I do often wonder what their reaction would be if I unleashed some of those feelings. I wonder what they'd think if I told them at some point every day out of nowhere suddenly the intensity of every thing hits me and I feel like I'm going to vomit but other then that my life is a freakin Mardi gras!!

I hate to admit this. Wait, no I don't hate to admit it. I proudly own this thought with complete justification. I actually fanstasize about turning the tables on those who have said stupid things to me. Is that cruel or common? When they lose someone real close I want to repeat some of their nonsense to them to see what their response will be. The day there loved one dies I want to tell them immediately that it gets easier. It gets easier. I want to say that a lot to them just like they do to me. Every time they even look like they are going to cry because the anguish is unbearable I want to just smile and say real perky that it will get better. Then change the subject to how good or bad the weather is. At the funeral I want to ask them, So what are your plans now? Got a job? You better get a job. Don't give up you have to make your loved one proud. Thats a fun game to make them realize the next hurdles they have to face quickly. Not to mention I am positive thats exactly whats on their mind. Again remind them... It will get easier. It will get easier. I've got to tell them to make sure and Call me if there is any thing I can do for you. Let them know that I'm here for them for any thing. Just call. However privately I already know they've lost every thing and any help would be a blessing at that point but I need for them to actually ask for that help. I mean I am aware they need a job after giving their guts, money, and soul to care for their loved one but gee they never called before to ask for any type of help so way down deep inside I'm gambeling on the fact they have too much pride to ask for help now and if they do I'll come up with a real good excuse because the truth is once again I knew all along they were struggling while caring for their loved one but I did nothing. So yeah like I really mean I'm here for them but I'll make damn sure I say it out loud to them so every one hears. Besides everyone says it. Is this sincerity? Not even close. Putting on an act for every one else watching and playing the same avoidance game all those so called concerned people do so you don't have to really address or be a part of any of that horror. It's cruel when you are the one that is treated that way. It's an added bonus to all of this. Yes I'm ranting but I'm mad as hell today over things I'm seeing and realizing.

I know I'm a topic of "caring" gossip when someone is real bored. They get together on the phone and one will say they've seen me or spoken to me blah blah blah and of course they know how I feel and they decide if I'm going to make it through all of this because God knows they could because they know exactly how they would deal with it or have dealt with loss. LOL I could challenge them all in that area with what I was dealt compared to what they encountered. I've looked high and low to find even just one who really gets what I've been through and I can't find that person. Not in my circle of friends and definitely not in my extended family. The only ones that would have understood are now all dead. Life moves on and you get through it .. GRRRRRRRRR! Well, you get the idea.

There are some days when the pain is just too damn much and I need to grieve. Dealing with all of that makes me a liar when I say I'm doing well because emotionally some times I feel chewed up and spit out. If I mention how waves of unbearable emotions will hit me I see their eye's look away and they quickly say... Oh it will get easier. The subject changes to cost of living crap. Did you pay off your moms electric and gas bill? How did you cover that? You know as her financial advisor thats your job. Don't forget to give back any money left in her account to Social Security. You can't keep that. How are you paying all her stuff and paying for your stuff? When I say I have to budget very carefully because I've got no one to help cover every thing so I'm doing it even though they ask about those things they don't offer to help. Instead I get... You'll make it. Lots of people do... and immediate subject change. Somewhere in there the whole idea of what I've seen. What I've been through and what I've lost means freakin zilch to them. They just don't want to hear it. Who I was has been altered for life and no one wants to address those issues.

This Valentines it will be exactly two months since mom has been gone. I can't just always push it asside. There are moments when I feel like I'll burst if I fight the unbearable. If I even slightly suggest I'd really like to be alone someone quickly counters that with... Oh no you can't do that. You need to go out and do something to take your mind off of stuff like that. I'm also sick of that avoidance game. I do things at work to keep my mind busy all day. I do things when I get home to keep my mind busy. My house is so clean I've got nothing left to clean. So when those moments come are we suppose to constantly run from them or let this junk out?

I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of people who were suppose to be a support system for me but their whole idea is for me to simply get on with my life. If I avoid even thinking about my mom or what happened it will all magically "get easier" the longer I avoid it. They don't want the burden of being emotionally available for someones grief. I did my job. I took care of my dying mom but she's dead now so get on with it. Life gets easier. Deal with it.

Stark cold reality. It's not that it's going to get easier it's that this bleeding wound that will remain bleeding will simply be an extension of who I am for the rest of my life. I will forever be dumbfounded at all that took place. I'll never beat it. I'll maybe find a way to make it through but for what?

Here's another complex reality I've come to realize in my situation. I actually feel like I'm being suckered. All these people avoiding how I really feel bailed on me when mom got sick. They actually bailed years ago when I was a child and I became her arms and legs. Thats the real reason they avoid talking about what took place 24/7 for those 9 months she was dying of cancer. They don't even want to picture it in their minds. The details of care that is. They wouldn't dare take a scan of my life in general and realize all that I was to her because of the years of physical challenges she faced. How they sat there and did nothing. They actually thought an ocassional call or maybe bringing over a casserole one time covered their guilt. I honestly think it's a sick twisted group mentality trying to cover their own ridiculous behavior for so long when they could have all stepped in that it's best if they push me towards moving forward to make sure I don't slow down and realize whats all been pulled on me and that maybe I should hold some of them accountable for their odd behavior.

I also get why the change the subject when it comes to emotions right after they say it gets easier. They are just waiting for what is the acceptable time table for grief to end. Some say 6 months and there after. It will be two months for me this coming week. After the 6 month period I'm sure their next response will be... isn't it time to let it go? Thats there way of saying what they've wanted to say all along.. SHUT UP! We don't do grief. It's not our thing. We only do it if we are experiencing it then thats when it matters.

Well, they aren't going to dictate to me any longer. I think somewhere in all of this I'm suppose to be allowed to grieve and they should have to listen to the raw emotion of it all to clearly embrace my loss if they are going to ask how am I doing. I'll say what I feel .. I WANT HER BACK!!!! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY DID GOD ALLOW THIS? I WANT TO KNOW CAN SHE SEE ME? CAN SHE HEAR ME? I WANT HER BACK!!! COME BACK!! I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE IS GONE!! NOT THAT WAY!! IT WAS VILE!! IT WAS BRUTAL!! MY ENTIRE INSIDES FEEL GUTTED!!! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!! HOW CAN SHE SUDDENLY BE GONE??? WHO WILL I SHARE MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS WITH? HOW DO I REDIFINE AN ENTIRE LIFE THAT WAS DEVOTED TO HER SINCE I WAS A TODDLER? HOW CAN I EXPLAIN THAT EVEN IN A SEA OF SO CALLED FRIENDS I WILL ALWAYS FEEL ALONE!!! COME BACK!!! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE RIGHT NOW!!! I want to let my anguish out and I want them to stop being cowards and allow me to let that anguish out.

Honestly there are days I feel I've earned the right to just sit in a chair and stare at the walls if I want and try to organize all my thoughts as to what has taken place and where I'm headed in all of this. I envy the wealthy widow/widower who locks their doors and takes a months vacation to Thailand so they can regroup. I ache for any family that truly understands or at least tries to be there to the point of looking at me and saying... go ahead you've earned the right to grieve your guts out today and NO we don't even remotely understand this loss but I promise there will be no judgement in regard to your actions. We are here and we will never force you to be who you use to be. I want the right to grieve whenver I want.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello and welcome. First thing I want to know is do you feel better now? After getting all of these thoughts and emotions off your chest? I am sure you do. I lost my dad to EC and liver cancer in March 2010. It will soon be 2 years. Two years, not two months. Give yourself a break. Grieving can take months, years! I know that I am able to get through this grieving process with the help of God. God helped me accept my dad's cancer, and be able to deal with it. And God is helping me daily to deal with the grieving process. Please know that God did not cause the cancer. Our lifestyles, our environment, caused it. I feel it was a blessing that my dad passed. Cancer makes our loved ones so sick, they are in constant pain, they suffer daily. Is that a way to live? No. They now are in their eternal homes. No pain, no suffering, no cancer. We will be with them again. You come here often, you vent whenever you feel the urge, we are always here for you. You also might want to consider some kind of berevement counseling. Keep in touch. We will be looking for you!
Tina in Va

Noellesmom
Posts: 1317
Joined: Aug 2010

That was a lot of stuff that you put in your post.

Lots of anger.

And it was all about you and your feelings and it was good to see that.

You don't have a typical grieving going on here, if, indeed, there is such a thing after a cancer death.

You were your mom's caregivers for many, many years before the cancer came.

I cannot imagine, and no one else can, either, all of what you are going through but I can see from what you wrote it is very hard for you.

I have no words of wisdom other than there are people here who do care, come back and write more if you wish and know that I am thinking about you.

Easier? After losing my mom last April, I won't say it gets easier. It does get bearable.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

To both Tina and Noellesmom: Thank you for the kind words, support and validation of crazy emotions and feelings :)

I actually did feel much better after I released all of that. As I mentioned there are moments I feel like I'm going to pop witholding some emotions or thoughts just to pacify individuals who don't really want to take that emotional journey with you.

Tina, yes I have been to a breavement support group a few times now. When I open up to share a bit about my losses and life in general even the counselor admits my story is very unique with one obvious commonality being that unbaearable loss.

Every thing with me in regard to all of this is a yoyo of thoughts and emotions. I struggle in my faith every day because of this. I'm left wondering if God really exists and if so how cruel and uncarring can he or she or it be to have allowed one tiny precious human being to suffer so much almost her entire life? She watched as the world passed her by while she was denied so many of the basics. She tried her hardest to find joy in the most simple things. Actually forced to live that way. My mom had enormous faith. In fact I think it's what got her by in life as she took on all the challenges her physical limitations offered her. However, in the end the cancer seemed to mess with her faith and hope. Why did she have to endure that as well? She actually asked me one evening why God hated her so much? Yet another heartbreaking moment. I tried my hardest to guide her away from those type of thoughts telling her there is no way God could ever hate her. What I would never tell her was that I was not so much thinking that God hated her as I was thinking.. WHERE IS HE? Why is he allowing this to happen to her? Why her? When is enough just enough for one person? But I would never say that to her. I didn't want to see her faith be taken from her as well. It sickens me to go back to that moment knowing exactly what she was feeling. She served him so faithfully and yet she could have easily wheeled hersef into a church and said take a good look at me and let me tell you about being denied so many things in life. Then tell me if a God of love, compassion and mercy exists and if so why would allow this to happen to a person? But instead she praised him and in the end what did she get? More heartache and pain. The last 9 months of my moms life was brutal. We weren't faced with just disease and death there were many other things falling appart which no man should ever have to go through.

If I could administer challenges to people I couldn't even delve out what we went through those 9 months. Not in it's entirety. It was so cruel and so brutal and so devastating at one point we even talked about suicide. We called it a mercy killing. Not because either of us wanted to die but the utter misery was so overwhelming and the reality was there was no way around that misery. So, what other options were left? Go through it knowing what the end result would be in advance? Death, destruction, complete collapse. A loss so great it leaves you stunned beyond words. The only reason we didn't go with suicide is because I just couldn't assist her in that area. So we took the other lovely path. We took slow agonizing painful gruesome death, destruction, heartache, financial collapse, and loss of what little dignity was left. We took missery. Forced misery and now I live here on this foul earth alone without her trying to pick up the pieces of a life riddled with way too much agony.

My love for my mother is unconditional. I begged and pleaded with God to take that cancer and shove it in me if there was some quota that needed to be filled for yet another person to die with that monster. I meant it. I don't want to be here without her right now. I've always been willing to die for my mom if it meant she didn't have to suffer. I'd endure any pain for her. You could skin me alive and I'd take. It just wasn't fair to have her eaten away with that as well. Watching her being tortured was uncalled for and both my self respect and that unconditional love for my mother makes it so impossible to trust this God ever again in my life time.

I don't think it's satan at all that has done a number on me. I think thats an easy cop out we hand to God. I tend to believe ocassionally God does mess it up because he is too consumed with being loved and adored and maybe just maybe he really doesn't understand human suffering and assumes it's just the greatest to be in his pressence. I'll never understand that type of ego driven process. So many things have left me confused.

I think somewhere in me is a very interesting book waiting to be written but it's hard traveling back down many of those roads God gave us knowing the final journey with my mom doesn't end with a pretty bow wrapped around it. It's ugly and it's gruesome and it's painful. I feel so exhausted most days because it seems like I've been running a marathon from something real bad my entire life. It seems like I was constantly trying to keep my mom safe and I was doing it and then all of a sudden I lost. I was forced to me knees defeated. Just like that. Like someone did nothing but beat us down over and over.

The entire time I was running all those years to keep her safe I never once said it was unfair becasue I believed there was hope. I hated we were granted less but there was always hope. Now that it's over you bet I'm saying it's very unfair. No one deserves what she was given. I want the entire world to have experienced what she did througout her life to understand where I'm at now and how I see the world today. It's through a very odd prism. Anger, disgust, disappointment, sorrow, anguish, dispair and forgotten.

Someone said something at my moms funeral that has stuck with me. If there are certain levels in heaven my mom is sitting on some thrown with a beutiful healthy body. All the luxury and excess others were handed in life are now her bounty. I hope it's true. I'd hate to think this was it here on earth. How sad that would be.

As for me? I try my hardest. I smile, I fake it. I even laugh but I keep asking myself what for? I have reason to be paranoid that life will never measure up. I have reason and multiple examples that it would be best not to dream very big because ocassionally some just don't get what they want out of life and they exhaust themselves only to be chewed up and spit out. I feel like one of those chosen. It stinks. It sucks. To know me you'd never know that these thoughts race through my mind. Thats why I like it here. You can shred some of the layers. It really was as if my mom didn't matter. She was for mere entertainment to watch her struggle for years. A chew toy.

I'm strong. Thats the one thing I was handed in life. I can endure and I'm strong. Wait that makes two things lol. I know there are other things as well. I just wish lifes lessons for me weren't as brutal or as I said they were administered equally so that others would understand all of this. I'm sick of having to prove just how strong and just how much I can endure. I still can't believe my precious mother is gone. I was brought to this earth to watch over her and suddenly she's gone. My life is like a huge puzzle now with all the pieces scattered all over the place and piece by piece I have to put it together. I hate it. I've never been selfish a day in my life. It's impossible at this point to adopt that attitude. If I acquire or meet a goal I wanted so much to be able to share this with my mother and allow her to live vicariously through my achievement. I hate being reduced to photos. I know as the time goes by it will get bearable. At least thats my thinking but I keep asking whats the point? This is where this God that has let me down so much needs to step in to let me know whats my purpose now. If I'm here to struggle I'd sorta like to hand back that lovely offer. It's exhausting and not so fun.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1317
Joined: Aug 2010

He is there, He will speak to you. Listen.

God does not cause suffering, Cosmic, but He doesn't care if you want to be angry with Him about all your mother endured. He's got broad shoulders.

God made us creatures of free will and, in spite of what we might like to believe, He doesn't intervene to reverse our decisions. Your mom's illnesses could have come from your ancestors exposures to various chemicals - who really knows? Ovarian cancer runs in my family - how and when did something damage our DNA? We'll never know.

Just know God loves you, He has never left you nor your mother. And it grieves Him to see your pain.

And He rejoices in your mother's faith, regardless of what questions she had.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

Hi Noellesmom. Gods got one heck of a way of showing that love. If my pain grieves him he could have fixed that. I begged him to put the cancer in me. I'd take the pain and death just PLEASE don't make her go through that. I made it clear to him I wasn't asking to win a lottery where both myself and my mom walked away unscathed when it came to cancer. I was offering myself up instead of her. I even told him he could make me suffer ten times worse then whatever she would have to face if he needed to see another human crying out in pain from cancer. He said no. She didn't deserve that to go along with all the other horrible physical problems she'd been given in life.

I'm never going to get why he allowed this. I don't think he "caused" it but he definitely allowed it. I find that uncomfortable and saddistic. He could have healed her. He's God. Heal her or allow more suffering? There should have been no contest as to which one she deserved. She'd already paid in suffering for over 60 years. At times agonizing. From a child she had been relegated to so much less and she held her head up and pushed fwd. For her endurance she was to be rewarded not contnually plagued with additional dispair. She was forced to watch on the sidelines while others skipped around freely in life. If it was her time he could have peacefully taken her in her sleep. There was nothing left for her to prove to him. Her faith was unshakeable. In the end her feelings were hurt and she left my pressence wondering if she'd done something wrong and she felt absolutely abandoned by him. If he spent time rejoicing she had faith in him then it would suggest his ego outweighs any real rational compassion. I would hope he would apologize to her first and then craddle her as she adjusted to her brand new healthy body. Who cares if she had faith in him? I swear this God is an addict to self worship. He needed to explain a lot of things to her not stroke his ego and say thanks for loving me the most at that point.

No God of love would make a person endure all of that and then brush it off by saying it was written decades ago through the bloodline of ancestors or she was exposed to certain chemicals. Nor would he claim to be the creator of all and then take the onus off of himself and place it on free will of others. He created them. If he knows all then he knew what someone would do in advance with the environment and that includes if Satan was some how involved. He created him. To not just admit he messed up himself at some point is a cop out that only a God of complete control over your destiny can pull. If you don't allow his cop out or you question it you risk being thrust into hell. It's a great game of fearing questioning any action or lack of action this almighty God is associated with and it doesn't exactly sound very loving to me but I don't think we are suppose to go this deep in analyzing God. We are suppose to look at pretty angelic pictures painted or drawn by artists who have never seen him or his son. They depict an illusion and for some reason there is an avoidance of the obvious. If God were a parent here on earth and we heard him threaten his children the way this God threatens each of us for simply not worshiping him we'd be calling to remove the child from his pressence and we'd lock him away with all that nonsense about sending them to hell to be tortured for eternity if they don't do as he says.

No God of true mercy could keep hammering away at the same person year after year decade after decade just to test their faith in him. It would be grotesque. He'd never put up with that type of treatment if it were him on the receiving end. Yet, I have to deal with the thought that this God just didn't care if my mom physically suffered almost her entire life on this earth. It's a gross thought because had she been allowed a physically healthy "normal" life at some point when disease came much later I'd be able to handle this much better. If he'd even handed her some extraordinary circumstance where she wasn't struggling with every thing it would have been different. To see her entire life now it's disgusting what he gave to her and dared to call it a life where she was forced to find joy in things and situations that at times were next to nothing while some slob of a human being is granted the keys to a full healthy lavish life.

I just don't think he gets us. I think he thinks about himself. How he benefits. What he gets out of the situation. I don't think he could last a day as nothing more then just a human being. To give up the role of almighty God would be impossible to him in his thought process. He might consider it awful to ask him to do such a thing. Thats how much he doesn't get us. I'd like to switch roles with him. I'd hand him exactly what he gave to us. Nothing more. I'd wish him well and I'd tell him in advance to never forget that I love him but don't come asking me for any assistance out of a horrible situation because it's not going to happen but please never forget while you remain puzzled as to why life is awful I do love him and I hope he loves me to. After he spends a lifetime of hell because he's never going to get what he wants but some times I'll let him get close and then yank it away so he learns exactly what his role was in life and then dies miserable and in agony I want to be able to party with him that he had faith in me cause that means a whole lot to me. Do you really think God would switch with me giving up complete power and control and putting his fate and challenges in life in my hands? Not a chance. He likes being worshiped way too much. He likes being in control. Lets face it, he loves being God. Who wouldn't? And God suffering with no power or means to get revenge? He couldn't even comprehend the idea for himself.

I have been listening to God or at least people who speak on his behalf for my entire life. I've respected that. I held out hope. What I got was heartache. If you could glimpse into my life your jaw would drop to the floor. It's so far off the beaten track even I am now shocked at what has taken place. All I've done my entire life is just filed it all away day by day so I could keep going fwd. Each hardship prepared me for the next wave of anguish but what an awful life to have to prepare for what you know is more anguish to come. outwardly you are a mountain of strength. Inwardly you are screaming why? I must have had some pretty bad ancestors if thats part of the reason for all the dispair, but I'm tired of paying for someone elses mistakes. Enough is enough. Apparently my ancestors were some of the worst because as mentioned above that human slob that has life handed to them on a silver platter and goes around causing anguish for others apparently had the perfect ancestors to be granted such joy. I see Gods fairness all over that.

So, from here on out If he wants my love and respect he's going to have to listen to me instead of me having to listen to him and he's going to have to have great compassion in understanding why I feel the way I do. My feelings are valid.

I've got a lifetime of disturbing images and memories with some laughter and joy mixed in that we ourselves applied even at the worst of times. None of which adds up to such a compassionate God showing his face all the time. We crawled through it trying our best. In some ways he should be ashamed at what some have to go through. Maybe he does feel that shame. Who knows? Could God be fallable?

I do thank you very sincerely for trying to explain things when it comes to God as you see it. I'm sure in your life you have found a peace by making this God your comforter. You're lucky for being allowed to embrace that. Some where during your life the scales of fair and balanced were applied properly and you were allowed to enjoy life on equal footing with many. You may have then been able to see your loses or suffering as a process that everyone "eventually" goes through so God could carry you when you "eventually" hit those times. For me, it's a bit different. We weren't chosen to live the life you and many others have lived. We were never on equal footing with anyone. "Eventually" for us was almost daily at times and it went on and on.

I'll find my way in life from here on out and if God likes me or is even amused by me then lucky me. I wonder if he is surprised I've endured this long through every thing. Could he? Not as some God but as me? I hear it was pretty rough on him watching his son go through some pain for a few days. How about being powerless to it for over 40 years and no one praising him or bowing down to him? For some reason I feel safe in saying it may have been just a bit much for him to take. The old Testament suggests an easily ticked off God who gets even real fast and in pretty drastic ways. Is he still like that or has he mellowed?

If God isn't interested in me I'm also real good with that. The same life time of certain not so good things that have happened has trained me well to accept that some are chosen for a less than wonderful life. Some of us don't get to even decide if we want to take the road less traveled. We are plopped in the middle of an ugly torn and tattered situation called the road given. We can't change it. We have to just hold on and ocassionally get a glimpse of what those other roads offer but we aren't allowed the privilege to travel them. We learn by lifes lessons not to even dream or hope for much. We accept our fate and ride it out. We perform for the onlooker who see's our life as very different. We assure them we are just as blessed as they are by convincing them we enjoy the simplistic things in life much more, but way down deep inside we are pulverized with dispair and absolutely exhausted by the horrible events handed to us. We live a paranoid life waiting for the next bad thing to occur. We realize what we really repesent to that onlooker. We are nothing more than a gross moment for them to say.. boy we really are lucky. Thank God we aren't them. Thats the role our loving God handed to us. Our dignity is limited and we know it. I've lived it all. If this is all Gods love he can keep it. God help the next family he allows all this to happen to. I'd like to hold them close and comfort them because I will know the horror all to well.

I miss my mom. I can't believe she's gone. She was my anchor. We were a team going through the same hell together. I knew I'd lose her some day but believed it would never be this brutal. That along with all the past memories of dispair he'd allow one final horrific memory to be carved so deep I'd see her being tortured to death. I can't believe he allowed her to endure all of that in the end but for as many times as I say those things I already know my conclusion will be the same as so many times in my past. It is what it is. Thats probably why he allowed it. He knows that will be my final conclusion. However, I don't think he realized the fallout. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him. Imagine that? God asking my forgiveness? His ego would never allow that. So once again.. It is what it is.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1317
Joined: Aug 2010

I really do. There have been some really awful things in my life, too, that lasted for years and years and some aren't over yet. Not in any way comparing them to what your mom went through, please understand that.

I understand your anger with God. You aren't the first and you won't be the last.

Do wish there was something I could do to help you right now to deal with all that you are going through.

If it helps at all, I miss my mom, too, Cosmic. Very much.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

NoellesMom: You are doing something I am so grateful for. You've given me an avenue to release some very deep hidden feelings I've filed away and carry daily with me while I paint on a smile and continue to fulfill the role of strength so the concerned onlooker won't be disappointed or hurt that in reality there is a lot of agony behind all that endurance that represented hope to them. My mom was a role model for so many. She'd hate it if they knew in the end she truly felt abandoned and questioned if she'd been lied to. She wouldn't want any of them to lose hope or have to deal with feeling as if hope had been taken from them. So I can't share this stuff with them. Thank you for not being judgemental and understanding my anger. You are making a positive difference in someones life who needs to let some of this out. You offer me validation with those feelings. It's a gift. I am so sorry for your loss. If I were in control of life I'd never ever allow such grief.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1317
Joined: Aug 2010

Not sure how one sends emails on this board (I know I have an Inbox) but if you can figure it out and want to, we can do that, too, Cosmic.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

I'd like that :) I think, and this is just a guess, but I think we have to "friend" each other and then when we compose emails to one another we can select the friends name to send it to. Thats just a guess LOL so I'll add you and see what happens.

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