Feb 10, 2012 - 7:56 pm
I am doing well. Thats my phrase I tell everyone who asks how I'm doing. My skin actually crawls when I hear that question because they don't really want to go through all the layers of emotions I'm feeling so I give them what they want to hear. I do often wonder what their reaction would be if I unleashed some of those feelings. I wonder what they'd think if I told them at some point every day out of nowhere suddenly the intensity of every thing hits me and I feel like I'm going to vomit but other then that my life is a freakin Mardi gras!!
I hate to admit this. Wait, no I don't hate to admit it. I proudly own this thought with complete justification. I actually fanstasize about turning the tables on those who have said stupid things to me. Is that cruel or common? When they lose someone real close I want to repeat some of their nonsense to them to see what their response will be. The day there loved one dies I want to tell them immediately that it gets easier. It gets easier. I want to say that a lot to them just like they do to me. Every time they even look like they are going to cry because the anguish is unbearable I want to just smile and say real perky that it will get better. Then change the subject to how good or bad the weather is. At the funeral I want to ask them, So what are your plans now? Got a job? You better get a job. Don't give up you have to make your loved one proud. Thats a fun game to make them realize the next hurdles they have to face quickly. Not to mention I am positive thats exactly whats on their mind. Again remind them... It will get easier. It will get easier. I've got to tell them to make sure and Call me if there is any thing I can do for you. Let them know that I'm here for them for any thing. Just call. However privately I already know they've lost every thing and any help would be a blessing at that point but I need for them to actually ask for that help. I mean I am aware they need a job after giving their guts, money, and soul to care for their loved one but gee they never called before to ask for any type of help so way down deep inside I'm gambeling on the fact they have too much pride to ask for help now and if they do I'll come up with a real good excuse because the truth is once again I knew all along they were struggling while caring for their loved one but I did nothing. So yeah like I really mean I'm here for them but I'll make damn sure I say it out loud to them so every one hears. Besides everyone says it. Is this sincerity? Not even close. Putting on an act for every one else watching and playing the same avoidance game all those so called concerned people do so you don't have to really address or be a part of any of that horror. It's cruel when you are the one that is treated that way. It's an added bonus to all of this. Yes I'm ranting but I'm mad as hell today over things I'm seeing and realizing.
I know I'm a topic of "caring" gossip when someone is real bored. They get together on the phone and one will say they've seen me or spoken to me blah blah blah and of course they know how I feel and they decide if I'm going to make it through all of this because God knows they could because they know exactly how they would deal with it or have dealt with loss. LOL I could challenge them all in that area with what I was dealt compared to what they encountered. I've looked high and low to find even just one who really gets what I've been through and I can't find that person. Not in my circle of friends and definitely not in my extended family. The only ones that would have understood are now all dead. Life moves on and you get through it .. GRRRRRRRRR! Well, you get the idea.
There are some days when the pain is just too damn much and I need to grieve. Dealing with all of that makes me a liar when I say I'm doing well because emotionally some times I feel chewed up and spit out. If I mention how waves of unbearable emotions will hit me I see their eye's look away and they quickly say... Oh it will get easier. The subject changes to cost of living crap. Did you pay off your moms electric and gas bill? How did you cover that? You know as her financial advisor thats your job. Don't forget to give back any money left in her account to Social Security. You can't keep that. How are you paying all her stuff and paying for your stuff? When I say I have to budget very carefully because I've got no one to help cover every thing so I'm doing it even though they ask about those things they don't offer to help. Instead I get... You'll make it. Lots of people do... and immediate subject change. Somewhere in there the whole idea of what I've seen. What I've been through and what I've lost means freakin zilch to them. They just don't want to hear it. Who I was has been altered for life and no one wants to address those issues.
This Valentines it will be exactly two months since mom has been gone. I can't just always push it asside. There are moments when I feel like I'll burst if I fight the unbearable. If I even slightly suggest I'd really like to be alone someone quickly counters that with... Oh no you can't do that. You need to go out and do something to take your mind off of stuff like that. I'm also sick of that avoidance game. I do things at work to keep my mind busy all day. I do things when I get home to keep my mind busy. My house is so clean I've got nothing left to clean. So when those moments come are we suppose to constantly run from them or let this junk out?
I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of people who were suppose to be a support system for me but their whole idea is for me to simply get on with my life. If I avoid even thinking about my mom or what happened it will all magically "get easier" the longer I avoid it. They don't want the burden of being emotionally available for someones grief. I did my job. I took care of my dying mom but she's dead now so get on with it. Life gets easier. Deal with it.
Stark cold reality. It's not that it's going to get easier it's that this bleeding wound that will remain bleeding will simply be an extension of who I am for the rest of my life. I will forever be dumbfounded at all that took place. I'll never beat it. I'll maybe find a way to make it through but for what?
Here's another complex reality I've come to realize in my situation. I actually feel like I'm being suckered. All these people avoiding how I really feel bailed on me when mom got sick. They actually bailed years ago when I was a child and I became her arms and legs. Thats the real reason they avoid talking about what took place 24/7 for those 9 months she was dying of cancer. They don't even want to picture it in their minds. The details of care that is. They wouldn't dare take a scan of my life in general and realize all that I was to her because of the years of physical challenges she faced. How they sat there and did nothing. They actually thought an ocassional call or maybe bringing over a casserole one time covered their guilt. I honestly think it's a sick twisted group mentality trying to cover their own ridiculous behavior for so long when they could have all stepped in that it's best if they push me towards moving forward to make sure I don't slow down and realize whats all been pulled on me and that maybe I should hold some of them accountable for their odd behavior.
I also get why the change the subject when it comes to emotions right after they say it gets easier. They are just waiting for what is the acceptable time table for grief to end. Some say 6 months and there after. It will be two months for me this coming week. After the 6 month period I'm sure their next response will be... isn't it time to let it go? Thats there way of saying what they've wanted to say all along.. SHUT UP! We don't do grief. It's not our thing. We only do it if we are experiencing it then thats when it matters.
Well, they aren't going to dictate to me any longer. I think somewhere in all of this I'm suppose to be allowed to grieve and they should have to listen to the raw emotion of it all to clearly embrace my loss if they are going to ask how am I doing. I'll say what I feel .. I WANT HER BACK!!!! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY DID GOD ALLOW THIS? I WANT TO KNOW CAN SHE SEE ME? CAN SHE HEAR ME? I WANT HER BACK!!! COME BACK!! I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE IS GONE!! NOT THAT WAY!! IT WAS VILE!! IT WAS BRUTAL!! MY ENTIRE INSIDES FEEL GUTTED!!! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!! HOW CAN SHE SUDDENLY BE GONE??? WHO WILL I SHARE MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS WITH? HOW DO I REDIFINE AN ENTIRE LIFE THAT WAS DEVOTED TO HER SINCE I WAS A TODDLER? HOW CAN I EXPLAIN THAT EVEN IN A SEA OF SO CALLED FRIENDS I WILL ALWAYS FEEL ALONE!!! COME BACK!!! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE RIGHT NOW!!! I want to let my anguish out and I want them to stop being cowards and allow me to let that anguish out.
Honestly there are days I feel I've earned the right to just sit in a chair and stare at the walls if I want and try to organize all my thoughts as to what has taken place and where I'm headed in all of this. I envy the wealthy widow/widower who locks their doors and takes a months vacation to Thailand so they can regroup. I ache for any family that truly understands or at least tries to be there to the point of looking at me and saying... go ahead you've earned the right to grieve your guts out today and NO we don't even remotely understand this loss but I promise there will be no judgement in regard to your actions. We are here and we will never force you to be who you use to be. I want the right to grieve whenver I want.