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sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

Hi everyone, just thought I would post to see if anyone has this problem. I am a recovering alcoholic now for over 30 years but as of today I have drank 1 half bottle of bally high Omg I have never drank anything for so very long, but this thing that my husband has been going through now for 15 months I just can't find any relief. I do know that this is not the answer but I can't seem to get any help. I have tried the Bible, support groups, don't have money for counselors. Family Tries, but nothing helps, some wine helps a little. This is the hardest thing I have gone through/ I feel I am losing my best friend, my life partner. Been together now for 30 years. Some good and some not so good, but we have stuck it out TOGETHER. I cannot stand to see him like this. It is killing me! I know it is killing him, but all he does is sleep. Looks like he is in restful sleep, but I am not! I don't know what to do. Don't know where to go. When I drank, it seems that I open up a little. If I don't I just let everything stay inside me. Like I am made of steal and can do everything myself. Just wanted to see if anybody has had this problem. I know I am so very weak! Just don't know where to turn, this is all I know. If I knew better I would do better, Love to everyone!!!! I know it is so very hard for everyone on this sight! My heart goes out to each and every one of you!! God bless you all!!!! Sue

ketziah35
Posts: 1138
Joined: Jun 2010

Yes people have done this with stress. You need to go to a meeting or a counselor early mext week before you backtrack. That is what most have done wh have had the same issue. Put the bottle down.

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

I did not seem to have a drinking problem before my husband's cancer, but I certainly developed a dependency soon after his diagnosis. It was pretty hard dealing with the after-effects - my doctor put me on Zoloft, as I was having anxiety attacks on top of withdrawal. That helped a lot for a few months and I then worked my way off the Zoloft (actually, I quit cold turkey, but that's another story). I'm still not perfect yet, but neither am I knocking down 5-6 shots during the course of an evening.

As with all other inadequate coping mechanisms (like drugs, cutting, overeating) drinking is a solution that creates its own problem. I agree with ketziah - get to a meeting as soon as possible. Your husband's doctor might be willing to prescribe an antidepressant for you - if not, you need to find a way to get an appointment with an affordable doctor and get some chemical help. Being a caregiver really causes an imbalance (poor diet, lack of sleep, lots of stress = not much brain chemicals being produced) and drinking eventually makes that worse (depletes B vitamins, which you need to help make those brain chemicals).

You are not weak - your body chemistry might be letting you down a bit, but that's a relatively easy fix.

You can do this, and you have a bunch of folks pulling for you. PM me if you want to talk offline - I might be able to offer some specific advice about affording what the doctor prescribes, once you see one.

Mary

longtermsurvivor's picture
longtermsurvivor
Posts: 1755
Joined: Mar 2010

If you've had years of sobriety, you already know what you need to do. Go to a meeting today. Then go to another meeting.....

Otherwise, you know what direction this is heading. My best wishes to you.

Pat

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

In my earlier years I was an alcoholic. I stopped cold turkey back in 93; however, I've had a few setbacks since then. When I tell people that I was an alchy, they don't believe me, but I drank to cope with my low self esteem and depression. I drank all day and everyday. I would drank until I passed out. It had gotten so bad that I could not remember passing out. Coupled with that, I was addicted to any type of pill that would enhance my already drunken stupor. I tell you this because now that I am a caregiver some 19 years later, I struggle with resisting to drink. The urge is always there, but I walk away. Sometimes I just want to escape from this nightmare. I remember how drinking would make me feel so good at first, but then later, it was horrible... Everyone is right, you need to go back to meetings. I overcame with the strength I had in God. He, I believe, made it taste so nasty in my mouth until everytime I thought about drinking, I would get sick at the stomach. Someone had to pray for me...I think the old ladies at the church knew what I was up too and put in some prayers for me. I am praying for you as I feel your pain, and I know what it is like to suffer with an alcohol addiction. It runs in my family. Get some help, and you say you tried the bible...Don't give up on God and His word. It is true. You have a strong addiction and sometimes we are healed in different ways.

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

Thanks so much for all that respond to me!! I have put the bottle down, it doesn't help!! It's just so hard! I do know that drinking doesn 't help, but I am so we I needed to try and see if it would make me feel a little better, even though in the back of my head I knew it wouldn't. So here I lay in bed, was a quite day today. Spent the day on the couch with my husband. He is unable to talk so we just held hands. He said today in a very low whisper " I don't think I will be here much longer" this is the kind of stuff that makes it so hard! He can't eat, has a hard time hearing and now he has lost his voice. He is just getting weaker and weaker, and it's getting harder and harder. I guess you all know pretty much what it feels like. I said " we all don't know how much time we have left" Just know that I love you! Thanks everyone for listening! Sue

ketziah35
Posts: 1138
Joined: Jun 2010

Sue,

Did you go to a meeting, a counselor or minister to talk to? I think you just need some support to minimize the temptation in the future.

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

When my husband asked me to marry him he also asked me to stop the drinking. I was an alcoholic for many years and I did it for him and stayed sober for 7 years. I also took care of him with his cancer. He told me before he died that he didn't care what I did after he left his earthly body but he requested that I didn't drink "NOW". I didn't but now that he is gone I have gone back to drinking and I know that I shouldn't. I need to stop. I don't drink as much as I use to but I still am drinking and I know it is not good. I think it is to numb the fact of reality to the fact that I have no one anymore. My husband is gone and I turn to the bottle to "not feel" anymore. I was in the same boat you were. One night before he got real bad I had a few beers and he knew it. I told him that I was having a very hard time with this. But for his sake and for the sake that I was taking care of him I stopped drinking so I could take care of the love of my life. My husband told me a week before he passed that "he was going soon" and I laid with him for hours on end. I stopped drinking for him. He needed me and I wanted to be there for him because his time was short and both of us knew this. I miss him terribly now and I have nothing to turn to but the bottle but I know it is wrong and I am in the process of correcting that! I have to for the sake of my life. My husband wouldn't want me to be this way. I know this and I feel guilty every time I take a drink. But being a former (and still) an alcoholic it is a very difficult battle. I know how you feel and yes, like the others have said, put the bottle down. It only causes even more heartache and issues! As of now, THE BOTTLE IS DOWN...I don't need this on top of all that has just gone on in my life!!!! Take care and keep us informed on how you are doing! The bottle is not worth the time you have left!!!

Take care!
~Kelly
RIP Mark Scoville 11/14/11 NSCLC w/ mets

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

I am no longer a caregiver.

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

You have a lot to deal with now - remember that we are all grieving with you and please take care of yourself.

You and your beloved are in our thoughts tonight.

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts. My husband has fighting the fight for 15 months. Now is is no longer with us. I have been so busy trying to make the final arrangments. Never thought this is the way it all would turn out. I knew that he has been real sick, but it just seems like it will keep on going on. The only peace that I can get out of all this is, I helped him walk to HIS CHAIR IN the living room and he just fell asleep. I helped in out of bed yesterday morning and checked his sugar was high 350 so gave him his shot of insulin. And then his morning meds for the day. Then gave him his can of food. He whispered " he wanted to set at the kitchen table" for awhile. I said "ok" So I went into living room was watching the Doctors. Then after about 5 minutes I said You want to go set into the living room, he nodded. So helped him walk into the living room. Sat him into his chair. We sat there watching tv, as we always did. So I got up started straighting the house some. Walked into the living room, His head was bent down, I thought " maybe his sugar has dropped because he did throw up a little this morning so should check his sugar. Was 198, not to awful bad, so why isn't he responding to me??? Tried to wake him, but couldn't called 911 They tried and tried everything, went to hospital said " Sorry for your loss" The only peace out of this is knowing he was so very tired fighting doctors saying go home call hospice he didn't want hospice. He just wanted to go to sleep. and he did. he went to sleep in his chair.

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Sue,

I am so sorry for your loss. My God's peace be with you and your family at this time.

Take care,

~Kelly

wife of Mark Scoville RIP 11/14/11 NSCLC with mets dx 3/3/11

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Sue
So sorry for your recent loss of your husband. I just finished your story up to now. I was a caregiver for my dad. He passed from EC in March 2010. You know when your husband wispered he did not think he would be around much longer? He knew right then and there where he was going. My dad told me the Lord told him he had a strong handshake...that night my dad passed away. I am happy that your husband and my dad both passed on peacefully. They both had a long hard journey. Your husband 15 mos, my dad 16 mos. They are both so happy now, out of pain and suffering and no longer have the cancer!

Keep up the good work about quitting drinking. You have been here before so you know what to do and how to handle it. We are always here for you. Ask and you shall receive. Keep in touch.
Tina in Va

leprechaun2
Posts: 73
Joined: Jul 2011

sue,
I am so sorry you have had to fight this battle. I know you were there for him in every way possible. And you helped him to his chair and knowing you were nearby, he was at peace.

May God give you the strength you need now to take care of yourself in the time ahead.

We are here for you. Keep coming back...

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

Thanks you guys so much for all the comforting words. As I am laying here in bed, all of my sisters { 3 } are in the kitchen talking and looking at old photos of my husband and I and the family. I had to just come in here and just get away. They are a god send that they came from out of state to be with me and I am so thankful for having them near! But all the talk and all I had to come into the bedroom and close the door and just let the waves flow. How in the world am I going to get through the services tomorrow and then Sat I will bury him? This is the hardest thing I have to ever do. They have not been through the death of their husband as of yet, I hope they never will! I am so worried about next week when they will all be gone. I guess all I can really do is take one day at a time. Just worry about this moment/ I just knew you all would under stand the feelings that I am going through right now. Yes he is at peace right now, no more suffering and he did just go to sleep in his chair. he didn't want Hospice to come to our house, all being said, it is just killing me right now! He loved the song by Garth Brooks, The Dance! But it just about kills me to listen to the words right now! We will be playing tomorrow at his funeral at 1 pm. He was a humble man! Thanks so much for listening to me! Love, Sue

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

for sharing - your husband sounds like a wonderful man and I am glad you were able to take a few moments and write about him.

You are right that the folks who are caring for you now do not know what it is like to lose a spouse. They might think that you will want them to clear out so you can have some time to yourself - this is not always the best thing. Is there any chance one of them could stay a bit longer?

Everyone has a different way of dealing after losing the love of their life. My mother always dealt with grief by keeping very, very busy (she didn't really have a choice after my father died, as she had to work to support us, and the hospital bills were hefty). Some of us can take to our beds for a week and then come out ready to go again (that one is very not me - I'd be so afraid that I'd never come out).

My stepfather, who lost his first wife to cancer, used routine to get through it. He had a chore scheduled for each day (nothing huge - laundry, ironing, weeding, bills, etc.) and set to it right after breakfast (which is why he had to get up and have breakfast, to start with). After lunch, he'd putter around and sometimes got absolutely nothing done. However, since he'd accomplished getting up and doing his one chore, that was OK.

A grief support group helped my neighbor a lot after she lost her daughter to cancer. And there's us, of course. Please share and don't apologize. I'm always glad to listen, and I'm sure the rest are also.

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

Whow this has been just like a bad bad dream! Just dropped one of my sisters off at the airport she is going back to Fl. My other sister is driving back to Ky. All my nieces and nephews are all back to Ky also. They are all gone. My husbands funeral was so so sad. He had a lot of people there that cared alot for him. We laid him to rest yesterday. I think he would have like a much less simple way to be laid to rest, but we did not plan ahead. So I just did the best that I could do. Just like the caring for him I did the very best that I could do for him. He just wanted to be home, he got that. He just went to sleep in his chair. Now it is just me and our cat. I don't know what I will do Tuesday. Tomorrow I already told every one that I was going to just stay in. I really don't know how I am going to handle this all. Just going to take one day at a time/ There is going to be a lot of things to settle, but not today. Good nite/ Sue

DBL's picture
DBL
Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2012

I hope you got to a meeting as fast as u can. If u did It will be the best choice you ever made. If u did not u always have now .

Love & light
Donna

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

Hi everyone, Today is one week since my loving husband passed. What I did today is go to the bank and deposited a check to pay for my health ins. As everyone knows health ins is so important. Well now that my husband is no longer here, I have to thank of me and my health ins. Then I went to the sprint store and cancelled my cell phone. I know longer need 2 cell phones. I thought I would stay home today since everyone has left. But things change. I am so very sad today! I needed to take care of some business I guess that is the way my husband and I was, taking care of business. That is all we knew. So this is how I am handling things today. Everyone is different, not better not worse, This is all I know to do TODAY. LOVE, TO ALL THAT WENT THROUGH THE SAME AS ME!

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

We have so many ways to honor the memory of the loved ones we've lost, but continuing to do things the way you both used to is certainly one of them. I know I'd really have to push myself to take care of practical things the way you did - I'm sure he'd be very proud of you.

I hope your cat is a good one to hang out with - some folks like dogs for company, but I've found that life is never too dull with a cat around.

One day at a time works for more than AA - it's a good plan for getting through tough times. Remember that you are not alone - lots of long-distance hugs and supportive wishes here.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Sue
Thanks for your update. Take it slow, take your time to grieve for days weeks months years! Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep up the good work, and know we are always here for you with a shoulder to lean on and ears to listen! Keep in touch.
Tina in Va

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

Today I stayed in even though it was warm and sunny out! It didn't match my mood at all. I really hate it here! I know it's not good to lock yourself in. But I don't feel like going anywhere. I know my husband is not suffering anymore, there is a lot of things I know, but I am hurting. So I have to take one day at a time. There's nothing else that I can do. I walk in the living room and see how empty it is in there, he's not sitting in his chair that he went to sleep in. It's just so dark. and so very quite. I e-mail my sister and vent to her. But there is nothing she can do but listen. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. Everyone was here for my for 5 days, they all left had to get back to their lives. Sue

Alan1234
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2012

Bless you Sue. I was a caretaker for my wife and soulmate for 4 years. She had kidney cancer. The battle ended 3 weeks ago. Its been hard, but I can say two things. Having your friends and family around helps considerably. When I am alone I go dark. But with others around, I find it's distracting. Distractions help. I find that as time goes on, I need less distractions. I think of her for short periods, then I need distractions to steady myself. As time goes on I find that I need less distractions to keep steady. The second thing is that alcohol is only a temporary relief, it just pushes the pain down the road. You still have to deal with it sometime. People/distractions help me deal with the pain in small pieces, in my own time. Get out of the house and visit people if they don't come to visit you. Some people think that leaving you alone helps you. They are wrong.

SlowRollin's picture
SlowRollin
Posts: 75
Joined: Nov 2011

Sue, I'm sorry you've had to go this road and are hurting so bad. You have every right to feel the way you do. My prayers are with you.

Tony

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

I did get out for awhile today. Went to my grandson 16th birthday party. Was nice to get out of the house for awhile. So hard to come home to a empty house! Usually at this time of the year we are in Fl. This is the first time in about 5 years that we celebrated his birthday! He liked that. I'm trying to put on a smile for him, but am really hurting on the inside, the alone feeling. Going to a support meeting in about a week. Hope that helps. Sue

ketziah35
Posts: 1138
Joined: Jun 2010

I hate being in an empty house either. I usually put the radio or tv on each room. That helps a little.

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Hi Sue,

I agree with you, the hardest part is the empty house. I absolutely hate it. But to help me through my process of grieving I asked my daughter and her boyfriend to move home. I feel a bit better because they are here. I don't feel so very alone, just "alone". They both have jobs and work late at night. There are days where I don't see them at all but I know their presence is here, just sleeping.

I also started doing "routines". I immediately make the bed as soon as my feet hit the floor. I write in the journal that was given to me by my best friend. I carry his picture around everywhere I go. I have his wedding ring, a black diamond cross and a "broken heart" pendant on a nice chain around my neck. I talk to him constantly, talk about him to anyone willing to listen. There are still days where I don't want to do anything but cry all day. Then there are days when I need to get things done so I cry my crocodile tears in the morning and do my errands in the afternoon. And even while I do my errands I am tearful with emotions. I don't care who sees me. He is the love of my life and he is gone. There are days when I am so numb I can't function. I will never be the same ole Kelly and everyone knows it. They try to be as much comfort and compassionate as they can for not having to experience a loss of a spouse. But as it was said before, everyone grieves different. Not one person will got through it the exact same way. I know of a lady who lost her husband in September (she is in my support group). At the times I saw her she was "a rock" til the last time I saw her, she was a mold of jello. The roller coaster ride that you take will be one of many twists and turns and a few loopty loops. And it is not a fun ride. Only thing "I" can do is hang on tight.

Glad to hear that you are getting some sort of counseling. It has helped me but again, I will never be the "same ole' Kelly".

Take care and God Bless. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

~Kelly
wife of Mark Scoville RIP 11/14/11 NSCLC w/mets

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