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Ok and why am I up at this hour??

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Okay so I have an issue. Not one for anyone to solve, just an issue that I need to vent about...Last night I went to bed at a reasonable time..10:40 pm est. Now it is almost 4 am the next morning..I actually got up at 3:40 am. The reason for me getting up was that one of my puppies was licking my husband and he was talking to him. All I said was "would you like your morphine?" and of course he said yes...So starts my day. I can't just wake up and do something like give my hubby morphine, let the dogs out, go pee and then go straight back to bed. I will never get back to sleep. So I give my hubby his morphine as he is cheering for it.. "Yeah for morphine!" he is saying. Ok today we are going to have a good day until...he comes up with an odd question for me. Bare with me while I type it. He asks "How you get running water out of there?" What? To appease him I told him that I wasn't awake. Didn't say I have no idea what you are talking about cause I have no clue what he is talking about. He said he would have to think on that. Go right ahead. So I let the dogs in, start coffee and go back into the bedroom to fix my side of the bed as I am now up. He says "boy these test questions are hard" Okay so he is going back into lala land. Or starting his confusion early. I love him dearly and hate that he is so confused but I put up with it and vent on here. Hey at least I have him for one more day!!! Thank God for that...oh no, I just heard a very loud painful type moan...brb.

So I race to the bedroom and he did another small moan. Lord, please make the morphine take the pain away. He needs for that to kick in! He is back to sleep, no more moans for now. I would start a blog/journal but I would rather talk to you all in a discussion (not sure if anyone would subscribe to my journal anyways).

Well everyone have a blessed day as will I cause I have my husband one more day! Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
~Kelly

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Kelly,

I know how heart-wrenching all this is. I just lost my dad three weeks ago. *Seems like yesterday* My heart goes out to you. I know how long those days can be. When my dad became confused as some would say, it became harder to understand what he was saying and it would frustrate him when I wouldn't respond. But I think they know we are trying out best.

I am so glad you are appreciating each day you have with Mark. It will come down to each Moment. I know it did for me. My heart goes out to you for what you are going through daily. Just know that we are here for you at all times.

I wish I could say sleeping gets better... But I'm having an even harder time sleeping now that my dad is gone.

Sleep when you can and take time for something for you even if it's just to walk outside with a cup of tea or coffee and breathe that fresh air into your lungs. Hugs and healing thoughts sent your way...

Valerie

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

Good point Valerie. When things start transitioning, you meet them in moments, rather than days. I pray that you learn to sleep more peacefully as time heals your aching heart and that peace will surround your spirit in a knowing that your father is now peaceful with no pain, and no cancer in his new home. Hugs to you and your family.

To Kelly: There is much work being done. I would like to share with you Kelly, a really good read that I also posted to Leyla. The transition for them is a lot of preparation and work. As caregivers we stand in the gap for them (somewhere between this world and the world of peace they are heading to). Know that in the next world, there will be peace, joy, and a love that surrounds our spirit.

This is a good read from a book that Hospice gave me on their first visit to our home. Hope this can give you some much needed peace in your heart during this most difficult time of transition.

"As the knowledge that 'yes, I am dying' becomes real, a person begins to withdraw from the world around them. This is the beginning of separation, first from the world- no more interest in newspapers or television then from people- no more neighbors visiting: 'Tell Aunt Jessie I don't feel like company today,' and finally from the children, grandchildren and perhaps even those persons most loved. This is becoming a time of withdrawing from everything outside of one's self and going inside. Inside where there is sorting out, evaluation one's self and one's life. But inside there is only room for one. This processing of one's life is usually done with the eyes closed, so sleep increases. A morning nap is added to the usual afternoon nap. Staying in bed all day and spending more time asleep than awake becomes the morm. This appears to be just sleep but know that important work is going on inside on a level of which 'outsiders' aren't aware. With this withdrawal comes less of a need to communicate with others. Words are seen as being connected with the physical life that is being left behind. Words lose their importance; touch and wordlessness take on more meaning."

I pray for each and every one of us to navigate through these hard times of grief, with the grace and love. You remain a strong spirit here, and we all see in your sharing that you remain the 'gap keeper' for your dear husband.

Regards,
Michelle

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Thanks you both Valerie and Michelle, I understand that he is sorting things out as he is resting.

I am sorry Valerie for the lose of you Dad. From your posts I see he is a great man. May the Lord keep you at peace during this time of sorrow knowing that your Dad is now pain free.

Michelle thank you for that, I also have the hospice book and know what to expect even from the unexpected things. It will be moment by moment some day and I dread that day but it is inevitable and on the horizon.

I am sorry to cut this short, just wanted to say thank you. I have to go and test my Mark's blood sugar so he can have his shakes.

Thanks for listening and God Bless!
~Kelly

Faithful_Angel's picture
Faithful_Angel
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2011

Final Gifts it's written by a couple hospice workers it gave me so much peace throughout my dad's journey

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

I don't know that read, so thank you for sharing that Valerie! I will have to get it if I can from our Hospice nurse.

Grateful!
Michelle

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

I have read all of the books that talk about the "Final Days of a Loved One". I know what to expect. It seems that my husband, Mark is going through some of these processes just some are slower than others. I am sure he is hanging on for something, I just can't pinpoint what that is whether it be his best friend to come to visit, His peace with what is going on, etc. I just know that I am here for him no matter what. I constantly listen to what he is saying whether it makes sense or not. If and when he is ready to meet his Maker than I will be there to support him so he is not alone.

Thank you for you thoughts and prayers and most of all, thank you for listening!
~Kelly

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