What do you ladies think of this situation?

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EnglishGal
EnglishGal Member Posts: 101
in Ovarian Cancer #1
A month ago, hubby and I were visiting a friend who lives out of town. My hubby suffers from a bad neck due to arthritis. Jane has always been very concerned about him and started giving him advice as to what he should do to get better. I spoke up and said, “Yes I want John to get better not only for himself but because we have these holidays planned for this summer.” Jane turned to me and said, “Holidays? They’re not important.” I said, “Well, I feel I have to cram in everything I can in case I don’t enjoy long term survival.” And then I started crying, saying more crazy things to her, and I was shouting. I felt ashamed of myself afterward and you can imagine my consternation when I got an email from her a few days ago with the terse statement: “Ann, your behaviour in my home was disrespectful to me; I do not deserve and will not tolerate this.” I want to say much more but space does not permit.

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  • Tethys41
    Tethys41 Member Posts: 1,382 Member
    #2
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    The "situation"
    It sounds as if this was a difficult situation for everyone involved. A sensitive friend would not have taken your response personally and would have realized you were just responding to the constant stress related to your diagnosis. Because she did take it personally, you have two options, as I see it. If her friendship is not worth the effort, then I'd say let it go. If, however, you want to salvage it, the only thing you can do is offer an apology. You have no control over whether or not she will accept it. If she does not, then you have no choice but to let the friendship go.
  • kikz
    kikz Member Posts: 1,345 Member
    #3
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    Tethys41 said:

    The "situation"
    It sounds as if this was a difficult situation for everyone involved. A sensitive friend would not have taken your response personally and would have realized you were just responding to the constant stress related to your diagnosis. Because she did take it personally, you have two options, as I see it. If her friendship is not worth the effort, then I'd say let it go. If, however, you want to salvage it, the only thing you can do is offer an apology. You have no control over whether or not she will accept it. If she does not, then you have no choice but to let the friendship go.

    I agree
    that this friend should realize your state of mind. It is pretty hard to deal with all the ramifications of overian cancer, None of us can be blamed for losing our cool at times. Others cannot possibly understand how it feels to live with the life and death aspect of this disease. I would apologize for my outburst and hope your friend is a little more understanding of your situation.

    Karen
  • MK_4Dani
    MK_4Dani Member Posts: 314
    #4
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    WHO is your friend to
    WHO is your friend to determine what is or is not important in your life? If you think holidays are important then that IS what it shall be. That you started crying, and saying crazy things was not the best way to handle the situation but you do deserve a little leeway in your emotions.... a true friend would have backed-off sensing she was out of line in her advice. Jane's advice giving and e-mail response speaks volumes of her dispostion: very "know-it-all" mother like instead of friend like. I would respond and take up for yourself! What does hubby think of the situation?
    Good Luck,
    Mary
  • MK_4Dani
    MK_4Dani Member Posts: 314
    #5
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    WHO is your friend to
    WHO is your friend to determine what is or is not important in your life? If you think holidays are important then that IS what it shall be. That you started crying, and saying crazy things was not the best way to handle the situation but you do deserve a little leeway in your emotions.... a true friend would have backed-off sensing she was out of line in her advice. Jane's advice giving and e-mail response speaks volumes of her dispostion: very "know-it-all" mother like instead of friend like. I would respond and take up for yourself! What does hubby think of the situation?
    Good Luck,
    Mary
  • carolenk
    carolenk Member Posts: 907 Member
    #6
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    MK_4Dani said:

    WHO is your friend to
    WHO is your friend to determine what is or is not important in your life? If you think holidays are important then that IS what it shall be. That you started crying, and saying crazy things was not the best way to handle the situation but you do deserve a little leeway in your emotions.... a true friend would have backed-off sensing she was out of line in her advice. Jane's advice giving and e-mail response speaks volumes of her dispostion: very "know-it-all" mother like instead of friend like. I would respond and take up for yourself! What does hubby think of the situation?
    Good Luck,
    Mary

    Maybe I'm out of line here
    Maybe I'm out of line here but Jane sounds like she cares more for your husband than she does for you. Just my gut feeling from the information you provided. With friends like her, who needs enemies? I'd stay away from her.

    (((hugs)))

    Carolen
  • Tethys41
    Tethys41 Member Posts: 1,382 Member
    #7
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    carolenk said:

    Maybe I'm out of line here
    Maybe I'm out of line here but Jane sounds like she cares more for your husband than she does for you. Just my gut feeling from the information you provided. With friends like her, who needs enemies? I'd stay away from her.

    (((hugs)))

    Carolen

    You said it...
    ...I didn't. But the way it was presented, I got the same gut feeling. Jane seems to think more highly of hubby.
  • mdctknits
    mdctknits Member Posts: 4
    #8
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    With friends like that...
    Seriously, she does "not deserve" that kind of behavior? Has she ever dealt with a life-threatening illness? Sorry, but she sounds like one of those people who think everything is about her all the time...when you started crying she should have given you a hug & let you cry it out. That's if she actually is a friend.
  • mom2greatkids
    mom2greatkids Member Posts: 528
    #9
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    mdctknits said:

    With friends like that...
    Seriously, she does "not deserve" that kind of behavior? Has she ever dealt with a life-threatening illness? Sorry, but she sounds like one of those people who think everything is about her all the time...when you started crying she should have given you a hug & let you cry it out. That's if she actually is a friend.

    I agree. Since my diagnosis
    I agree. Since my diagnosis I have come to realize that there are some people I just don't need to be around. This woman sounds very selfish. Absolutely no one and I mean no one knows how they would handle a life-threatening illness. Even we don't know how to deal with it at times, let alone someone else knowing how they feel we should handle things.

    I find many women difficult to deal with. Since my husband's sudden death last year, some of the most unkind things said to me came from women. I found, overall, men to be more compassionate. After his death I had difficulty thinking, who wouldn't? One woman said to me "you're going to have to get a grip on it." There she stands beside her husband, her world hadn't been turned upside down.

    My advice to you would be to follow your conscience. If you feel as though you need to apologize, do so. Otherwise, I would just move on. You don't deserve this disease, none of us do! She needs to "grow up" and realize there's more to life than herself.

    Just my thoughts.

    Carla
  • childofthestars
    childofthestars Member Posts: 251 Member
    #10
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    mom2greatkids said:

    I agree. Since my diagnosis
    I agree. Since my diagnosis I have come to realize that there are some people I just don't need to be around. This woman sounds very selfish. Absolutely no one and I mean no one knows how they would handle a life-threatening illness. Even we don't know how to deal with it at times, let alone someone else knowing how they feel we should handle things.

    I find many women difficult to deal with. Since my husband's sudden death last year, some of the most unkind things said to me came from women. I found, overall, men to be more compassionate. After his death I had difficulty thinking, who wouldn't? One woman said to me "you're going to have to get a grip on it." There she stands beside her husband, her world hadn't been turned upside down.

    My advice to you would be to follow your conscience. If you feel as though you need to apologize, do so. Otherwise, I would just move on. You don't deserve this disease, none of us do! She needs to "grow up" and realize there's more to life than herself.

    Just my thoughts.

    Carla

    Carla
    I couldn't agree more
    Carla
    I couldn't agree more with you......
    At the end of the day we are the ones with life threatening disease and no one can understand how you feel until they are in 'your shoes'
    @Englishgal you do what you feel you WANT to do and not what you think is the right thing..
    Michelle x
  • mopar
    mopar Member Posts: 1,972 Member
    #11
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    COUNT ME IN
    Very inappropriate comment and attitude. The fact that she didn't pick up on your distress even when you started crying tells me she definitely has a selfish streak. Maybe your email to her (if you choose to send one) can sound something like this:

    Your behavior and response to me pouring out my heart to you was shocking and disrepectful. I appreciate your concern for my husband, but your total lack of concern for me as a friend is disappointing to say the least. You won't have to 'tolerate' me from here on - I will spend my last years on this earth with people who are supportive and understanding. I hope that you find another friend that you 'deserve'.

    Well, I don't know if I'd have the guts to send it, but you decide. All I know is, I wouldn't step foot in her house again. Nuff said!

    Hugs and Prayers to you, Ann.
    Monika
  • joan60
    joan60 Member Posts: 89
    #12
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    mopar said:

    COUNT ME IN
    Very inappropriate comment and attitude. The fact that she didn't pick up on your distress even when you started crying tells me she definitely has a selfish streak. Maybe your email to her (if you choose to send one) can sound something like this:

    Your behavior and response to me pouring out my heart to you was shocking and disrepectful. I appreciate your concern for my husband, but your total lack of concern for me as a friend is disappointing to say the least. You won't have to 'tolerate' me from here on - I will spend my last years on this earth with people who are supportive and understanding. I hope that you find another friend that you 'deserve'.

    Well, I don't know if I'd have the guts to send it, but you decide. All I know is, I wouldn't step foot in her house again. Nuff said!

    Hugs and Prayers to you, Ann.
    Monika

    Friend?
    Well put mopar...who needs a friend that is unsupportive!!!
    Joan
  • poopergirl14052
    poopergirl14052 Member Posts: 1,183 Member
    #13
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    joan60 said:

    Friend?
    Well put mopar...who needs a friend that is unsupportive!!!
    Joan

    has your friend given you advice
    on how to feel better yourself. I think you are more ill than your hubby and her concern seem only to focus on him. I would definately back off and take a very long break from her. How did your hubby feel about this? Was he upset too. he maybe should have defended his wife. But that is me. I would not let anyone talk to my spouse like that. You don't need added stress in your life. Hope this helps...val

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