Long Journey Ahead

I lost my mom when I was sixteen, the morning after Christmas...and even though now I am twenty, it hurts. I'm sorry if this is too much information for anyone out there, but...it's hard to talk about how I feel, what goes on because it's an alien topic to others. I don't want to burden my friends with this or my family. I feel like...it's hard to bring it into conversation to my dad because he's trying so hard to make this family stay above water. I feel bad for my brother who lost my mom when he was almost turning thirteen. I wish I could give him everything because he deserves it. I feel like he is missing out on so much because his mom isn't there to help see him grow, and I'm fortunate to have had her for sixteen years

But holidays like these....Father's Day, Christmas, Mother's Day, birthdays, etc. still hurt. I see all these families out and I wish for something I lost. I want my mom and I to make breakfast together, for her to nag at me about grades, talk to me about boys and clothes, and pushing me to be my best and help others out. I wish she could have seen me graduate high school, turn eighteen, go into college, get a great job, my internship, etc. I wish she could see me later in life graduate, get my career in motion, get married, have children... I have thousands of questions that only she could answer, but I have to answer them on my own. I know there are other motherly figures out there who dote on me, but...I want my mom back. She knows me better than anyone else, and I wish I didn't take my time with her for granted. I wish I didn't agree to go on that silly Disneyland trip with my friend during Christmas break, only able to spend a day and a half with her before she passed. I regret that I wasn't a better daughter. I wish I wasn't so stubborn my early years in high school.

I have changed so much from that sixteen year old to the woman I am today. I take care of my family, I strive to be better than I was yesterday, and I have truly matured and still am... I suppose it was my catharsis -- my epiphany that I needed to grow up and take my life and myself seriously...but it's a long journey to healing. Talking about her STILL makes me choke up, and I hate bringing her up in conversation when someone asks about my mom. It's just awkward explaining that your mother is gone... And it hurts when I see people get into fights with their moms and wish they could run away or she was gone. They are so lucky to have a mom and I am so envious of everyone and how blessed they are to have moms who will watch them grow.

I just wish there was some sort of booklet that told me what's the right way to mourn and than stop. Not stop forgetting, of course, but just stop feeling...just utterly lost and depressed when moments trigger her memory to a certain degree. So...I guess what I'm trying to say is...just give tons and tons of love to your parents -- moms and dads.They deserve it and so much more, and even though my mom is gone there isn't a day that goes by when I'm not grateful and sending my love out to how blessed my life still is. I have good things in my life, and even though my mom is gone and nothing can change it, you got to keep on pushing.

It's a long journey ahead, but you're the only one who can make it difficult or easy. And that's something I still need to come to to terms with.

Thanks for reading this. Means a lot.