One Week From Today...

One week from today I will be having surgery, a mastectomy. I've been trying to work my way through a barrage of emotions about losing my breast. I am in a war against the cancer in my body. With every war there is loss, casualties, collateral damage. In this case, my breast.

I feel like cancer has been and is stealing parts of my life, parts of me quite literally.

I was watching the season finale of one of my favorite nighttime series, Bones. One of the main characters, Angela, went into labour and delivered her baby boy during the episode. I felt happy for her (I know it's fiction, but still). At the same time I burst into tears and I looked at Scott (he likes the show too) and began to sob. I recall saying "it's not fair". You see, it's looking like all the surgeries and chemo, and stress, have put me on the ride known as early menopause. I explained to Scott that I was upset at the prospect I will never be able to have another child. Scott was surprised by this statement because we mutually decided not to have any more kids after we had our third who is now seven years old. I explained that I still felt that way, but it's quite a different matter when a woman is in control of her body and in control of those decisions. In my case, cancer has stolen that control, that ability to choose. I'm upset on principle. This cancer is stealing from me intricate parts of what make me a woman and I'm really pissed off about it! I'm mourning the losses. Scott got it, he understood and is mourning along with me.

War, like a strategic game of chess or checkers, is made up of measures and counter measures. I could choose not to have the mastectomy, but like all battle strategists, I can predict my opponent's counter move, cancer would most certainly dig into the trenches deep and no doubt kill me, or at least die trying.

So, what logical choice do I have? I must have this mastectomy. In words it seems simple enough, doesn't it. But life is not just words, life is not that simple.

People who have known me for long time know, my life has never, ever, been simple. I'm a seasoned veteran, but that doesn't make fighting this war any easier.

I'm meeting with my surgeon again tomorrow. I have some additional questions for her regarding the surgery and the anticipated physical outcome, etc.

My stomach is in really bad shape these days. I'm sick to my stomach constantly. My stomach is in knots and as a result is nauseous and everything I eat brings my digestive system into turmoil; pains, cramping, and frequent visits to the washroom.

I'm not sleeping well either and my headaches persist. I'm down to trying to get through hour by hour right now.

I've been told by members of medical team, the counselor and other women - fellow breast cancer warriors, that everything I'm feeling, thinking, etc., is perfectly normal and is a process I must go through.

Sometime we has human beings choose our own hell and other times it is chosen for us. I'm living through a hell not of my own making. I am determined to survive, to fight my opponent and win this war. I will come out on the other end no doubt singed and definitely scarred, physically, psychologically and emotionally.

I am a survivor, a warrior, I know I am and others tell me so as well. That said, I am but human and will continue on this ride until it's over.