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just wanna give up

melbas2
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2010

I can't do this anymore. My husband *****es cuz I don't go to the grocery store, I can't be that far from a bathroom that long. The house is clean...I do a little at a time, but God it takes more energy than it used to. Laundry kicks my ass. I have severe insomnia and then when I do fall asleep he wakes me to ask if I changed the time on the coffee maker. No, go in there and you'll see that even tho u overslept and didn't hear it, there's coffee made. I take the full tras bag out and put it in front of the washer, then after about 3 days, I'll put it in front of the door. I went to do that today, and he says now you're just trying to make me work harder. I'm not. But my grandbaby is gonna be here in 5 days, I have 2 doc appts in the am and another one on Fri. Then they get here on Sat, 5 days with them and I just want enough energy to play with her. I think the more info my husband gets, the further into denial he goes. Give me this visit and then I don't care. Melodie

sephie's picture
sephie
Posts: 544
Joined: Apr 2009

ok, sounds like absolute no empathy from hubby. stop doing the trash thing. just let it sit. i know you want the house to be clean but just let it sit. i know that you are ready to quit but just do what ever you have to do to make it thru the day. i really can not give you any good advice except to take care of yourself. it might mean that your hubby gets mad or berates you , i do not know. if children see the trash , maybe they will understand that you do not have energy. your hubby needs to know --IT IS NOT JUST YOU> WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS , it is not in your head. I believe in God so I pray. just keep praying for help and understanding, healing and strength. I wish i could help you. where do you live??? i am in Monroe , louisiana sephie

sissy310
Posts: 300
Joined: May 2010

Hey Melodie - sorry you are going through all this, I really am. You are not alone though. I'm having some issues now too with major burning (feel like I'm going through radiation all over again) and fatigue. I just think we will have these issues as part of the side effects of what we had. We have to adjust and change how we live our lives. I'm seeing a gynecologist oncologist tomorrow for a two hour visit and I have two pages of questions for her. I cannot wait to go to see if there is something that can be done for the cyclical pain and burning and itching that goes on. I realize it is part of the
recovery and side effects but reading what everyone else goes through too I think "have we not been through enough?"

I too cannot be far from a bathroom or I have panic. When we were in Las Vegas a few weeks ago on vacation, I had to scope out the bathroom first and then I could relax. Otherwise, it was a very stressful vacation. Rich wanted to go and do things and I kept saying I can't do what I used to do (walk around a lot or even be up really late), but go on your own if you want to. It took awhile for us to find that balance but he's been more supportive since I blew up awhile ago saying he HAS to understand that I can't do what I used to do the way I used to do it because of lack of energy and some days pain and discomfort. I need the help now.

I do not get much help at home either really. My hubby is not quite like yours though in that he will do some things like empty a dishwasher and help with laundry and cooking now and then. For the most part though he doesn't 'see' what I see with the house and it is me that puts pressure on myself. I don't know what I would do if he put pressure on me about the house and keeping it clean or doing laundry or shopping or whatever. You would think your hubby would have gotten a wake up call that what you went through was intense and life threatening. Personally I think he is being very selfish if you don't mind my saying so.

I hear you about the denial part. My husband did the same thing. I mean I would be done with radiation and barely walking to the car and he's say "Hey do you want to go to Emily's bakery and get a sandwich?" -- no, I want to go home, sit in a sitz bath, take a pain pill and be left the heck alone! And he would pout because HE wanted to get a sandwich. The problem is if we (and I'm assuming you took care of everything in the house before all this kicked your butt - pun intended) that he expects now that you are 'recovered' so to speak, you should be able to continue doing this. But we can't. The energy level is not what it used to be (me either) and it takes me a week to do laundry now. Can't lift much because of issues before the cancer so I push laundry baskets from dryer to washer and then push finished laundry to the stairs for someone to take upstairs. I've actually had both Rich and my younger son step over the laundry baskets and go upstairs! Rich does his own shirts and stuff because I can't get it done quick enough. He doesn't mind doing it and I am learning not to mind letting him do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm letting him down but you know what? It is what it is. You need to take care of YOU now too. That means some things will have to wait, will have to be set aside or someone else needs to pick up the slack. And don't EVER EVER EVER give up...simply to be able to spend time with your precious granddaughter. I am quite angry at your hubby right now for putting you through the emotional stress when you already have enough physical stress. We didn't ask to get cancer. We did not ask for the treatment issues and the pain that comes with it. It's hard enough dealing with some of that. My emotional stresses are from my youngest son who can be quite demanding (somewhat like your hubby), not understanding of the issues and has some emotional/addictive issues which makes his demanding worse. So I understand how some of these emotional stresors on top of the physical issues can beat you down.

But you have to push forward. I too believe in God very strongly and ask for help constantly in pushing forward and making it through the day. Have you told the doctors that you have this stress at home? I am sure it will make a difference in your treatment and healing and such. I know with the stress of my youngest son over the last month things physically have gotten worse for me and I'm sure that it is emotional stress knocking down my immune system. I don't have insomnia but I do take something to sleep so that helps there. Can they give you something to help you sleep? I'm sure that isn't making things any easier either. Hang in there Melodie. Come in here and vent if you need to or send me a private message even if you need to vent more. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Marilyne

P.S. Sorry it got so long.

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 3112
Joined: Jan 2010

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. It is very hard for women who have always been there for everyone in their family to go through something like this and not be able to do EVERYTHING like their spouse and kids are used to. Well, to all those spouses and kids I say GROW UP! Learn to do a few household chores and make things just a little easier for your wife or mother as she recovers from a brutal cancer treatment. I don't know what ages your kids are and perhaps they are too young to really participate in chores, but your husband sounds quite immature to me, if I may give you my honest opinion. I've never had a problem telling my husband to do things for himself when I don't have the time or energy. Of course, I don't know what your situation is like, but I hope you will consider some of the advice that you've been given on this thread. Start first by just letting some things go. You can't do it all and you shouldn't be expected to.

mxperry220
Posts: 369
Joined: Mar 2011

Maybe your husband needs to talk to your doctor regarding expectations. I went through a similar thing but realized for several months some things just would not get done and the world did not come to an end. Focus on getting well not what the norm is in the household. This is a time you are fighting for your life. My doctors told me not to be afraid to say no to family or friends during this time. That really helped and made it easier to say no. No one knows how bad anal cancer treatment is unless they have been through it. If household chores need to be done tell your husband he will need to do them or they will not get done. Good luck and keep a postive mindset. This is 90% of the success of recovery.

duckyann
Posts: 162
Joined: Jun 2009

Melodie,

I agree with what everyone else is saying. I hope I am not stepping out of line but "shame on your husband"! You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anything else. I am 21 1/2 months out of treatment and up until a couple of months ago I could not take my laundry to the basement. Mind you it is 2 floors down. I still ask my husband at times to take it because sometimes I am just too tired. And guess what if he needs clothes fast he knows how to throw them in the washer and dryer and if he doesn't do it that is his fault not mine. Please do not give up! You need to make yourself number 1 right now and for how ever long it takes you to feel better. Put ear plugs in when he is around, tune him out do whatever you need to do not to listen to him get on you.

hugs
Nancy

alis7910
Posts: 80
Joined: Jun 2010

Hi:
I agree with everyone who has posted.Right now you need to heal, and so you need love and support. Doesn't sound like you are getting it in the house. Can you get some counseling aout drawing boundaries and taking care of yourself? I hope you have loving friends who can be there for you.

Don't give up- I believe you have not found what you need to heal.
love and hugs

alis7910
Posts: 80
Joined: Jun 2010

Hi:
I agree with everyone who has posted.Right now you need to heal, and so you need love and support. Doesn't sound like you are getting it in the house. Can you get some counseling aout drawing boundaries and taking care of yourself? I hope you have loving friends who can be there for you.

Don't give up- I believe you have not found what you need to heal.
love and hugs

patacz
Posts: 64
Joined: Sep 2010

I can't imagine someone not understanding the time and energy that it takes to recover. I am not married, but my family and friends didn't let me lift a finger until I got my energy back. Everyone here has good suggestions, and I was just thinking that getting into this website and reading posts might help him understanding you better. Take care!

patacz
Posts: 64
Joined: Sep 2010

I can't imagine someone not understanding the time and energy that it takes to recover from such treatment. I am not married, but my family and friends didn't let me lift a finger until I got my energy back. Everyone here has good suggestions, and I was just thinking that getting into this website and reading posts might help him understanding you better. Take care!

mbh97766's picture
mbh97766
Posts: 39
Joined: Nov 2010

As I resume a normal lifestyle (ha!), I feel that those around me forget what I have been through. Sometimes I literally stand in the middle of the room and remind my family, at the top of my lungs, that it's only been 3 months, give me a break. Then they do....We all need a little reminder now and then.

melbas2
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2010

I thank all of y'all for listening and giving me feedback.. I had to go in yesterday for my 3rd blood transfusion, the horsey juice isn't for 6 more days. I was trying to get thru 2 weeks with no docs while my granddaughter is here, but the body has it's own schedule. But when they were inserting my IV and getting vitals, they asked me about my daily scheule changes since treatment, and I told them about the low, low, low energy. For anyone going thru this, go to cleaningforareason.com. It's a non profit org to help women with cancer keep up the house. Hope this helps. Melodie

sissy310
Posts: 300
Joined: May 2010

A friend of mine sent me the link for that cleaning awhile back and I checked on another forum I am on to see if it was a legitimate service or not. Seems it really is. There is not one in every state or area but if you have this in your area, I would tap into it. Honestly, it can't hurt and if it gives you a break and some recoup time...go for it. Sorry to hear you are going for blood transfusions and dr visits every two weeks. I hope that this comes to closure soon and you get some relief. Hugs, Marilyne

lizdeli's picture
lizdeli
Posts: 522
Joined: Jul 2009

So sorry I'm posting this late. I agree with everyone, take care of you and tell others to bug off. Take naps when you need to, let the wash pile up and someone realize it needs to be done. We can't be superwoman all the time, it's too hard. It could be your hubby just wants to put this behind and it could be part of denial. Sometimes it's their way of coping. Fortunately my husband was very supportive, but once I finished treatment I did sense that everything was okay in his eyes. He wasn't insensitive, but I think it's just hard for him to hear about the side affects because he gets nervous. So sometimes I keep it to myself.

Work has been so stressful lately that I can't tell why I'm really fatigued again. I think it's stress, no major physical issues that I can tell but then who really knows. I find that many people turn to me to talk about their cancer diagnosis and they do that because they need support. It happens at work at church and with friends and neighbors. I am who I am and I want to help everyone and I do my best. I think it drains me sometimes emotionally and I just hold it inside. I've been visiting the forum just not posting a lot lately. Mentally tired. So I apologize to all. Also had a dear friend pass away, childhood friend, from heart disease. Broke my heart. Our neighbor's 3 year old is fighting leukemia and it is so hard for them. Work is a mad house and if it wasn't for the need for health insurance I would leave. But I can't do that.

I apologize for monopolizing this post. I think I just needed to let it out and I know it's safe to do so with all of you.

We need to take care of ourselves and sometimes we forget that. I am going to pamper myself this weekend an Mel I hope you find a way to do that as well.

Sending hugs,
Liz

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 3112
Joined: Jan 2010

I'm sorry to hear that life is a little overwhelming for you right now. I'm glad you came here and purged some of your emotions. It's very easy for our family members to believe that because we are done with treatment that all is well, when we know all of things we are still dealing with. I'm sorry to hear about your friend's passing and your neighbors' child--that is very sad. Hang in there and take one day at a time. Hugs to you--

Martha

sephie's picture
sephie
Posts: 544
Joined: Apr 2009

liz, so sorry that work is such a stress but yes, we must have insurance. the loss of your great friend is so hard emotionally and your 3 year old neighbor's diagnosis is very upsetting. try to take care of yourself. we are here for all of us to vent. hugs sephie

sissy310
Posts: 300
Joined: May 2010

Hi Liz...need to add my thoughts here for you too. I'm sorry about the passing of your close friend. I know and understand that loss as I just lost a young girl I worked with who I considered close enough to be a daughter. She was only 40. I still want to send her an email or share something with her and realize I can't. Reality can suck. I'm also sorry about the little child with Leukemia. I can't imagine how hard that is on the parents.

You sound like a true caregiver and listening which is why people go to you to talk about their diagnosis and issues. It is nice to have someone there like that yes but I do not think people realize how hard it is on you taking on their issues. It can wear on you. Then add to the stress at work. Wow. This is a lot to carry on your shoulders. your comment we need to take care of ourselves is so on point. We can care for ourselves in eating right, exercising, meditation, prayer, whatever keeps our 'balance' and keeps us sane but we cannot control other people, our jobs, things that just happen and when that happens I think just venting about it regardless of what it is relieves the pressure somewhat. I do hope that things start to ease up for both Melodie and you - we do not need more on our plates than we already have. Some days doesn't it feel like we need a tray and not a plate? lol. Hugs, Marilyne

mxperry220
Posts: 369
Joined: Mar 2011

Melodie,
Maybe you could hire someone come in and help you with the house chores until you feel like handling them. This might take some of the pressure off you feeling you have to do all the house chores.

lizdeli's picture
lizdeli
Posts: 522
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you for your understanding and support. It means so much to me.
Hugs to all,
Liz

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