Mar 16, 2011 - 6:17 pm
I haven't been posting much. Most days I find myself lurking, not really feeling like I fit in over at the caregivers board, and not really having much uplifting things to say here. I find myself enjoying the freedom from being a caregiver and then feel guilty about it. My friends are back to saying the whole "You're just so strong" thing, which leads me to believe I'm not really being honest with them about my feelings because I sure as heck don't feel strong.
I'm still having multiple "crying jag" moments for no apparent reason; then for no apparent reason they're gone. I hate cooking and eating for one yet I've continued to gain wait because I'm emotionally eating and I know it. My mother-in-law is significantly depressed and I feel powerless to help because she's so far away in Nebraska.
Has it really only been two months since I lost Mike? My sense of passing time seems skewed, somehow. Like he's been gone for ever sometimes, and at other times seems like he just passed. The normalacy feels, I don't know, uncomfortable somehow? My faith feels non-existant. I continue to pray for others but feel no real connection to God anymore. And I am struck by the entire unfairness of this whole cancer thing. I obsess about that over and over.
I guess that's why I'm not posting too much. Cause apparently I have a need to ramble, too.