I'm so scared!
Comments
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its great you love your mum so much
Your mum's lucky to have your love and care and I am sure she will need your support.
The cancer journey is pretty challenging especially for family and carers.
Ironically I suspect if you asked your mum what she wanted you to do " it maybe to go out and live life to the full.
Hopefully the fear around diagnosis will pass as you learn and read more about treatment options for your mum.
If it helps the initial diagnosis I found the hardest. When my treatment commenced I found I had a focus. Keep on posting and maybe if you can go along with your mum to the doctors you have your questions answered. I am really glad my wife came alomg with me to most of the specialists as her specific worries were all answered and the pressure was off me.
Pete0 -
good energy begets good energypete43lost_at_sea said:its great you love your mum so much
Your mum's lucky to have your love and care and I am sure she will need your support.
The cancer journey is pretty challenging especially for family and carers.
Ironically I suspect if you asked your mum what she wanted you to do " it maybe to go out and live life to the full.
Hopefully the fear around diagnosis will pass as you learn and read more about treatment options for your mum.
If it helps the initial diagnosis I found the hardest. When my treatment commenced I found I had a focus. Keep on posting and maybe if you can go along with your mum to the doctors you have your questions answered. I am really glad my wife came alomg with me to most of the specialists as her specific worries were all answered and the pressure was off me.
Pete
I hope that you will stay strong for your mum. What do most mums want for their children? I believe they want us to live with confidence, grace and dignity. Yes, she is going through a difficult time but remember that a positive attitude makes living a lot easier for us and for those who are around us. Saying to yourself that I will be strong for my mum is important. None of us know when it is our time so try not to worry about it. Enjoy each day you have.
I have listed some thoughts from others that have helped me:
-----Something my parents taught me about life is this: There are many things in life I do not get to choose or get to control, but what makes the difference is how I choose to deal with them. I didn't choose cancer, who would, but I do get to choose how I live with it.
---- Former White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, who died last month of metastatic colon cancer at age 53 said, "Attitude is real important. Why sit around and bemoan your fate? Go ahead and get in there. And while you're at it, enjoy every moment that you're alive."
I agree with Tony. No amount of whining or moaning is going to change my cancer diagnosis, and for me, letting myself fall into a dark place of worry, fear, resentment, hopelessness and despair would only serve to exhaust my energy sources in a negative way. It would deprive me of the life I do have, a life that includes cancer. The longer I am alive the more I believe that good energy begets good energy and negative energy begets negative energy. I have also realized there are many things in life I cannot control or choose for myself, like cancer, but I do have a choice in how I think and feel about them, and how I react to them.
I cannot change the fact that cancer is a part of my life. I can only live with it in the present, and not worry about it being a part of my future. With a smile on my face and joy in my soul, I choose to live for today and enjoy all that I do have right this moment. I am alive, I am happy, and today is the only day that truly matters. Today I would much rather be happy and hear laughter than be sad and hear tears. As for tomorrow? What will be, will be.
---------A teacher who had a poster of a Cheshire cat with a caption that read, YOUR ATTITUDE IS SHOWING. I really liked the poster because I'm a cat lover, and it was a cute and colorful poster that appealed to me.
The last several days lots of people who support and encourage me, including my doctors, have told me I have a great attitude. I do indeed appreciate the words of encouragement, but what is the alternative? A bad attitude?
I hope this information has helped you.
Hugs,
Lizzy0 -
Hi Luvmum, My husband was
Hi Luvmum, My husband was diagnosed a little over a year ago with stage 4 and believe me I understand the horrible fear and helplessness you are feeling right now. I hated to go out too because I just wanted to stay near him. This does get much better over time and as you go from the shock of the diagnosis to concentrating on fighting the cancer. Give yourself time, and find friends to vent to and cry with when you need it. This site is a good place for that too. It will get better.
((HUGS))
April0 -
Scared
It's ok to be scared but you also need to take care of you. It is hard to grasp the meaning of what is all ahead, but you shouldn't feel that you can't go anywhere. You might need some anti depressant meds right now. Go with your mother to her appointments and find out more of what is going on. Hope that your mother will do well in her treatments.
Kim0 -
luvmum
I think it is very normal to be scared, + your Mom is lucky to have you. I think it is important to get out sometimes + do some of the "normal" things. Then come back + share them with your Mom. None of us knows when we will leave, or when someone will leave us. We need to keep ourselves as energized as possible to deal with the bumps on our journeys.0 -
=*)
Dearest all,
Thank you very very much for all of your sharing and kind words. I truly find this place helps me a lot to deal with my fear, problems and questions. It's like there is a place to show my emotion and to get support.
I will continue to pray for you all and my mum. English is not my first language and I really don't know how to show my gratitude to you all except saying Thank You!
I will try to stay strong and positive, really need to try.
Hugs and love from Dora0 -
Doraluvmum said:=*)
Dearest all,
Thank you very very much for all of your sharing and kind words. I truly find this place helps me a lot to deal with my fear, problems and questions. It's like there is a place to show my emotion and to get support.
I will continue to pray for you all and my mum. English is not my first language and I really don't know how to show my gratitude to you all except saying Thank You!
I will try to stay strong and positive, really need to try.
Hugs and love from Dora
Your English is great; I did not know it was not your first language. I wanted to add, I have 2 daughters, ages 17 + 22, + I want them to have as normal a life as possible, despite my illness. I plan on beating this thing + want them to get through this period as painlessly as possible (easier said than done!). Is there someone else to help your Mom in addition to you, or are you the sole support? I am glad you are finding this forum useful.0 -
all by myself =(AnneCan said:Dora
Your English is great; I did not know it was not your first language. I wanted to add, I have 2 daughters, ages 17 + 22, + I want them to have as normal a life as possible, despite my illness. I plan on beating this thing + want them to get through this period as painlessly as possible (easier said than done!). Is there someone else to help your Mom in addition to you, or are you the sole support? I am glad you are finding this forum useful.
Hi Anne,
My mum also has 2 daughters. My sister lives in US and she has a new born baby to take care of. Therefore, I'm taking care of my mum all by myself. I will go to see the doctor with her. I also go to qigong, see Chinese doctor with her as well. When she was in the hospital, I stayed there with her. I also try to think of different dishes to cook for her. After the first chemo treatment, she had no appetite at all, I tried different dishes and hope she would eat a little bit. When she is asleep, I read a lot of books and do research, trying to get as much information as possible.
During the last 2 months, I almost forget I'm married. I guess my husband also thought he's lost his wife because I spend almost all of my time with my mum. I know this is not right but I just cannot help. Honestly, I really don't know how to live my life now.
Dora0 -
all by myself =(AnneCan said:Dora
Your English is great; I did not know it was not your first language. I wanted to add, I have 2 daughters, ages 17 + 22, + I want them to have as normal a life as possible, despite my illness. I plan on beating this thing + want them to get through this period as painlessly as possible (easier said than done!). Is there someone else to help your Mom in addition to you, or are you the sole support? I am glad you are finding this forum useful.
Hi Anne,
My mum also has 2 daughters. My sister lives in US and she has a new born baby to take care of. Therefore, I'm taking care of my mum all by myself. I will go to see the doctor with her. I also go to qigong, see Chinese doctor with her as well. When she was in the hospital, I stayed there with her. I also try to think of different dishes to cook for her. After the first chemo treatment, she had no appetite at all, I tried different dishes and hope she would eat a little bit. When she is asleep, I read a lot of books and do research, trying to get as much information as possible.
During the last 2 months, I almost forget I'm married. I guess my husband also thought he's lost his wife because I spend almost all of my time with my mum. I know this is not right but I just cannot help. Honestly, I really don't know how to live my life now.
Dora0 -
scared
Don't be afraid all the time.
My diagnosis came to me in September
I was shocked and scared and unsure, My parents already passed.
I really needed my moms arms and comfort.
I prayed, I asked my mom to be with me, I asked God for grace.
All at once I felt at peace, I knew I was not alone and all would be taken care of.
What I'm saying basically is give your worries to your God,and let that faith be your strength.
Stay on the board and talking to others, we are here for you and each other.
God Bless,
Cindy0 -
You need helpluvmum said:all by myself =(
Hi Anne,
My mum also has 2 daughters. My sister lives in US and she has a new born baby to take care of. Therefore, I'm taking care of my mum all by myself. I will go to see the doctor with her. I also go to qigong, see Chinese doctor with her as well. When she was in the hospital, I stayed there with her. I also try to think of different dishes to cook for her. After the first chemo treatment, she had no appetite at all, I tried different dishes and hope she would eat a little bit. When she is asleep, I read a lot of books and do research, trying to get as much information as possible.
During the last 2 months, I almost forget I'm married. I guess my husband also thought he's lost his wife because I spend almost all of my time with my mum. I know this is not right but I just cannot help. Honestly, I really don't know how to live my life now.
Dora
It is difficult to be the sole supporter for someone. I think you need to figure out who else can help - friends, relatives, etc. Otherwise you will wear yourself out. Let your husband help, even if it is just running errands, etc. In order to be there for your Mom you need to take care of yourself. Where do you live Dora?0 -
Stay Positive
Hearing a doctor tell you that you or a loved one has cancer is a very scary thing to hear. I had to hear this when I was about 18 years old and then watch my Mother battle cancer for 18 years this after doctors thought she would be gone in six months. She had breast cancer that spread to her lungs and then finally to her pancreas but again it took 18 years for this beast to finally break her body down to the point it could not handle it anymore. By the grace of God he called her home and she is there now looking down on me as I now battle this disease myself at the nice age of 39 as of two weeks ago.... I remember hearing stage 4 and honestly never once did I think I'm gonna be dead in six months. I grabbed on to the thoughts of my wife and children and put on my boots. I have been kicking cancers **** since my DX in March and plan on kicking it's **** until it leaves me alone. Your mom is lucky to have you by her side for having a support system is HUGE..... This site is another great way for you and her to deal with this disease and I would suggest she join if she is not already on here. God Bless and Happy New Year to you and your family... If you would like me to add her to my prayer list email me and I will do so.
Bobby in Dallas0 -
normal reaction
Hi,
Your reaction is quite normal- you love your mum so much and are scared that she might not make it & that any time you take for yourself now is taking away time from being with her. First of all, you can't take care of her if you don't take care of yourself.
She needs to see that you're okay. It really seems like you could greatly benefit by finding a caregiver support group- a group for people with family members who have cancer. Check with your mum's doctor's office, any cancer foundation, or your local hospital to see where the closest group around like this is. At least around here, when such support groups exist, they are offered for free. Please find something like this! I know this CSN board is great, but sometimes you need more than your cyberfriends can offer- you need someone to meet with face to face, someone to be able to physically hug, etc.
I am thinking of you and praying for you- hugs to you!
Lisa0 -
Inspiring thoughtslizzydavis said:good energy begets good energy
I hope that you will stay strong for your mum. What do most mums want for their children? I believe they want us to live with confidence, grace and dignity. Yes, she is going through a difficult time but remember that a positive attitude makes living a lot easier for us and for those who are around us. Saying to yourself that I will be strong for my mum is important. None of us know when it is our time so try not to worry about it. Enjoy each day you have.
I have listed some thoughts from others that have helped me:
-----Something my parents taught me about life is this: There are many things in life I do not get to choose or get to control, but what makes the difference is how I choose to deal with them. I didn't choose cancer, who would, but I do get to choose how I live with it.
---- Former White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, who died last month of metastatic colon cancer at age 53 said, "Attitude is real important. Why sit around and bemoan your fate? Go ahead and get in there. And while you're at it, enjoy every moment that you're alive."
I agree with Tony. No amount of whining or moaning is going to change my cancer diagnosis, and for me, letting myself fall into a dark place of worry, fear, resentment, hopelessness and despair would only serve to exhaust my energy sources in a negative way. It would deprive me of the life I do have, a life that includes cancer. The longer I am alive the more I believe that good energy begets good energy and negative energy begets negative energy. I have also realized there are many things in life I cannot control or choose for myself, like cancer, but I do have a choice in how I think and feel about them, and how I react to them.
I cannot change the fact that cancer is a part of my life. I can only live with it in the present, and not worry about it being a part of my future. With a smile on my face and joy in my soul, I choose to live for today and enjoy all that I do have right this moment. I am alive, I am happy, and today is the only day that truly matters. Today I would much rather be happy and hear laughter than be sad and hear tears. As for tomorrow? What will be, will be.
---------A teacher who had a poster of a Cheshire cat with a caption that read, YOUR ATTITUDE IS SHOWING. I really liked the poster because I'm a cat lover, and it was a cute and colorful poster that appealed to me.
The last several days lots of people who support and encourage me, including my doctors, have told me I have a great attitude. I do indeed appreciate the words of encouragement, but what is the alternative? A bad attitude?
I hope this information has helped you.
Hugs,
Lizzy
Hi LIzzy,
Thank you very much for your detailed information. I have read them a few times. Although my heart is still hurting, I feel a little bit better today.
Thanks again!
Dora0 -
I'm sorryNana2 said:Hi Luvmum, My husband was
Hi Luvmum, My husband was diagnosed a little over a year ago with stage 4 and believe me I understand the horrible fear and helplessness you are feeling right now. I hated to go out too because I just wanted to stay near him. This does get much better over time and as you go from the shock of the diagnosis to concentrating on fighting the cancer. Give yourself time, and find friends to vent to and cry with when you need it. This site is a good place for that too. It will get better.
((HUGS))
April
Hi April,
I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is also sick. My mum has liver met and the oncologist said it's not possible to have operation even though they are all on her right side of the liver (maybe she has 7!). Currently her CEA is also very high.. 89.9! That's why I'm very scared and worried.
Dora0 -
Hong KongAnneCan said:You need help
It is difficult to be the sole supporter for someone. I think you need to figure out who else can help - friends, relatives, etc. Otherwise you will wear yourself out. Let your husband help, even if it is just running errands, etc. In order to be there for your Mom you need to take care of yourself. Where do you live Dora?
I live in Hong Kong and unfortunately, my mum and I do not have relatives here, they all live in different parts of the world. My husband has very long working hours and literally work from Monday to Sunday... plus I don't have much time taking care of him nowadays. I really cannot ask him for more. =(
Sometimes, I will seek help from my friends, but it's hard when they all have long working hours.0 -
Doraluvmum said:Hong Kong
I live in Hong Kong and unfortunately, my mum and I do not have relatives here, they all live in different parts of the world. My husband has very long working hours and literally work from Monday to Sunday... plus I don't have much time taking care of him nowadays. I really cannot ask him for more. =(
Sometimes, I will seek help from my friends, but it's hard when they all have long working hours.
I understand. Take everyone up on any offers for help, even for small things. I have always been bad at doing this, but since cancer I have learned to say "yes, thank-you" more. It is not always easy because I am a very independent person. I also have mets to my liver + am inoperable at this time. I have not even had surgery on my two primary tumours. Chemo is controlling things so far. Take deep breaths, + as my onc (who was born in Hong Kong) says, "stay positive". Where did you learn your fantastic English?0 -
Wish you Great Health in 2011AnneCan said:Dora
I understand. Take everyone up on any offers for help, even for small things. I have always been bad at doing this, but since cancer I have learned to say "yes, thank-you" more. It is not always easy because I am a very independent person. I also have mets to my liver + am inoperable at this time. I have not even had surgery on my two primary tumours. Chemo is controlling things so far. Take deep breaths, + as my onc (who was born in Hong Kong) says, "stay positive". Where did you learn your fantastic English?
Hi Anne,
I think I need to learn how to say 'yes, thank you' too. Do you mind if I ask what kind of treatment have you had before or are you having now? My mum's liver mets are also inoperable... I was very upset when the onc told me that. I will try to tell myself, maybe it's not a good idea for her to have such a big operation because she is already 70 years old.
I've also noticed my mum doesn't want her friends to know about it...
Anne, thank you so much for your compliment. I learn English from school, and I'm really interested in language, therefore I did pay some efforts to try to improve my language literacy. Before my mum was sick, I started learning Japanese .. I'm hoping if she has good response to the chemo treatments, we can go to Japan together next year in July.
Wishing you and your family excellent health, happiness, love and joy in year 2011!
Dora0 -
Doraluvmum said:Wish you Great Health in 2011
Hi Anne,
I think I need to learn how to say 'yes, thank you' too. Do you mind if I ask what kind of treatment have you had before or are you having now? My mum's liver mets are also inoperable... I was very upset when the onc told me that. I will try to tell myself, maybe it's not a good idea for her to have such a big operation because she is already 70 years old.
I've also noticed my mum doesn't want her friends to know about it...
Anne, thank you so much for your compliment. I learn English from school, and I'm really interested in language, therefore I did pay some efforts to try to improve my language literacy. Before my mum was sick, I started learning Japanese .. I'm hoping if she has good response to the chemo treatments, we can go to Japan together next year in July.
Wishing you and your family excellent health, happiness, love and joy in year 2011!
Dora
The funny thing about "Yes, thank-you", is that often the person offering the help feels so good when they feel they can do something to help. I think many of our friends can feel helpless + want to help in some way.
In June + July of 2009, I had radiation + chemo for my two primary tumours. The plan was to shrink them, operate in September + then finish up with chmeo. The problem is, in August when I had my scans, spots were discovered on my liver. Surgery was cancelled, + I have been on chemo (folfiri + avastin) ever since. So far, I have responded well to the chemo. I had a scan last week + will get the results in a few weeks. I am on a chemo break until the 13th of January, when I will either resume my current chemo or begin a new one, depending on the CT results.
I think your interest in language is great. It is also good to have things to look forward when undergoing treatment - thinking of a trip to Japan is great! When I was first diagnosed, a friend of my husband (both he + his wife are cancer survivors) said to make sure you are always planning for the future.
Thanks for all your kind wishes; I wish the same back for you!0 -
AnneAnneCan said:Dora
The funny thing about "Yes, thank-you", is that often the person offering the help feels so good when they feel they can do something to help. I think many of our friends can feel helpless + want to help in some way.
In June + July of 2009, I had radiation + chemo for my two primary tumours. The plan was to shrink them, operate in September + then finish up with chmeo. The problem is, in August when I had my scans, spots were discovered on my liver. Surgery was cancelled, + I have been on chemo (folfiri + avastin) ever since. So far, I have responded well to the chemo. I had a scan last week + will get the results in a few weeks. I am on a chemo break until the 13th of January, when I will either resume my current chemo or begin a new one, depending on the CT results.
I think your interest in language is great. It is also good to have things to look forward when undergoing treatment - thinking of a trip to Japan is great! When I was first diagnosed, a friend of my husband (both he + his wife are cancer survivors) said to make sure you are always planning for the future.
Thanks for all your kind wishes; I wish the same back for you!
Hi Anne,
Why can't they take the tumour out? When my mum was diagnosed, they already knew there are 7 mets in her liver. (I only just find out tonight, some mets are actually 2x3cm sizes...) But then, they still arranged an operation immediately and took the tumour out from her colon.
I wasn't able to finish my meal during dinner time when I heard from my husband that some of my mum's mets in liver are quite big! I remember the surgeon told me the 7 mets in liver are all small...
I still feel like in the roller coaster, sometimes I feel there is hope, sometimes, I feel sad and depressed and hopeless. I feel really bad now and not sure I will be able to go to sleep tonight (it's 1am here).
Dora0
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