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DrMary · November 2010

My husband is near the end of treatment for head and neck cancer - it's been a lot worse than we imagined (just about everything that could go wrong, did).

About 2 weeks ago, I quit drinking - I have never been a heavy drinker, but the stress was really getting to me. As things got worse, I realized that I couldn't drink enough to block out the fear without doing myself (and him) harm.

Anyone else had this issue? It's a touchy issue - I'm fairly ashamed that I'm not the rock he claims I am. I hope, however, if you have had similar issues you feel comfortable sharing.

ketziah35 · November 2010

I eat at every CT scan or
I eat at every CT scan or visit to the ER. My mom has had 7 visits since May so you can guess what the scale says.

Barbara53 · November 2010

food and wine
I've gained 18 pounds in the two years I've been caring for my mother, and it's not a coincidence. I actually think it's metabolism changes due to stress and drinking too much wine because, well, because. I've cut way back and stopped gaining weight, but on caregiver duty I gotta have one glass at the end of the day.

Mom's appetite is waning, but for the past several months I've been amazed at the amount of sugar she puts down, like almost everything she wants to eat is sweet. Is this a common craving among advanced cancer patients?

Don't feel ashamed that you're not really a rock after all. Most of us here figure that one out eventually. More like squishy mounds of moss than rocks, most days.

Hope your day is a good one.

Pennymac02 · November 2010

Sauce
I've been clean and sober for 8 years now. I learned I didn't have an alcohol problem, I had an alcohol solution, and it was no longer working. Today I throw the kitchen sink at my life issues and my husbands unresectable liver cancer. I pray, I meditate, I talk, I blog, I'm on antidepressants, I go to therapy, I go to 12 step meetings, I work steps, and I eat, eat, eat. (My mom passed from breast cancer 1 year ago December 20, I've gained 30 pounds this year)

I found that my drinking didn't really help, anyway. It created far more problems and didn't really make me forget the ones I already had. Plus it made me unreliable, which is something you can't be if you're a caregiver. There's no shame in having a glass of wine to unwind at the end of a hard day, but if the alcohol causes problems, or makes you feel ashamed, like you've got to keep it a secret, its definately doing more harm than good.

Hope this helps you know that you're not the only one, Mary. ((Hugs))
Penny

skipper85 · November 2010

I applaud you

I am so impressed that you have decided to deal with your alcohol "solution." Most people who start drinking like that wouldn't see things the way you do. Bravo girl!

My husband went through the head & neck treatment too but didn't have any real problems until the last few treatments and then for a few weeks afterwards. It's been about 5 months and he is finally getting his taste buds back. Unfortunately he has lung cancer or mets from the throat cancer - we'll find out today for sure. Both would be stage IV and he is no longer a candidate for lung surgery. We knew about the tumor in his right lung all along but they thought it was another primary cancer that they could treat with surgery when he was done with the throat cancer treatment. He has the cancer in his other lung now so surgery is no longer an option.

I am an eater. Since my husband was diagnosed in April 2010 I have gained about 6 lbs. Now he has metastases and I'm eating more than ever. I just threw out leftover pumpkin pie and brownies. Can't have them in the house. I did eat the two slices of apple pie - they were just too good to pass up. My husband is on a candy binge - so you guessed it - me too.

Yesterday I decided I need to start getting it together but it's tough. Today is our follow-up visit with the surgeon after my husband's last biopsy for his other lung. Next week is his follow-up with onc doc to decide about treatment or quality of life. I also have a sister in hospice care for breast cancer. I've pretty much accepted her fate although it makes me very sad.

So today is another day and I'm going to try and cut down on the food and do some kind of exercise. I am prepared for what the doctor will tell my husband this morning (I have already spoken with him). My husband is not medically savvy at all and I don't think he understands that he is terminally ill - even though he came home with oxygen (that he is refusing to use). Not only is he not understanding his medical issues but he is a VERY tough patient and absolutely hates doctors or having any limitations or taking meds other than pain pills.

Hang in there DrMary. You may not think you are "the rock" but to your husband you are. Don't be afraid to get support from a local caregivers support group. You are going through a lot and you need to take care of yourself so you can be there for your husband. Try and get some exercise. I used to belong to Curves and I wish I could go back but it's just not in my budget right now.

Good luck and stay strong.

(((HUGS)))

Skipper

hope0310 · November 2010

skipper85 said:
I applaud you

I am so impressed that you have decided to deal with your alcohol "solution." Most people who start drinking like that wouldn't see things the way you do. Bravo girl!

My husband went through the head & neck treatment too but didn't have any real problems until the last few treatments and then for a few weeks afterwards. It's been about 5 months and he is finally getting his taste buds back. Unfortunately he has lung cancer or mets from the throat cancer - we'll find out today for sure. Both would be stage IV and he is no longer a candidate for lung surgery. We knew about the tumor in his right lung all along but they thought it was another primary cancer that they could treat with surgery when he was done with the throat cancer treatment. He has the cancer in his other lung now so surgery is no longer an option.

I am an eater. Since my husband was diagnosed in April 2010 I have gained about 6 lbs. Now he has metastases and I'm eating more than ever. I just threw out leftover pumpkin pie and brownies. Can't have them in the house. I did eat the two slices of apple pie - they were just too good to pass up. My husband is on a candy binge - so you guessed it - me too.

Yesterday I decided I need to start getting it together but it's tough. Today is our follow-up visit with the surgeon after my husband's last biopsy for his other lung. Next week is his follow-up with onc doc to decide about treatment or quality of life. I also have a sister in hospice care for breast cancer. I've pretty much accepted her fate although it makes me very sad.

So today is another day and I'm going to try and cut down on the food and do some kind of exercise. I am prepared for what the doctor will tell my husband this morning (I have already spoken with him). My husband is not medically savvy at all and I don't think he understands that he is terminally ill - even though he came home with oxygen (that he is refusing to use). Not only is he not understanding his medical issues but he is a VERY tough patient and absolutely hates doctors or having any limitations or taking meds other than pain pills.

Hang in there DrMary. You may not think you are "the rock" but to your husband you are. Don't be afraid to get support from a local caregivers support group. You are going through a lot and you need to take care of yourself so you can be there for your husband. Try and get some exercise. I used to belong to Curves and I wish I could go back but it's just not in my budget right now.

Good luck and stay strong.

(((HUGS)))

Skipper

I hear ya!!
My mom was dx March 1st of this year w/SCLC w/mets to brain and spine, she fought hard, even went into remission for a fleeting moment....but sadly, she lost her battle on Spet 23rd.

During this time of fast food, junk food, late night eating and all the Bud Light I could find.......I have gained nearly 20 pounds!!!! I'm disgusted!!!!

Just yesterday I began to "take back my life".......

We all cope differently, there is not a right or wrong way. I do not have a drinking problem or solution, and I do not feel that you do either.....we choose our coping mechanisms. Then we brush ourselves off and move forward!!!

My best to you!

nyogus1 · November 2010

hope0310 said:
I hear ya!!
My mom was dx March 1st of this year w/SCLC w/mets to brain and spine, she fought hard, even went into remission for a fleeting moment....but sadly, she lost her battle on Spet 23rd.

During this time of fast food, junk food, late night eating and all the Bud Light I could find.......I have gained nearly 20 pounds!!!! I'm disgusted!!!!

Just yesterday I began to "take back my life".......

We all cope differently, there is not a right or wrong way. I do not have a drinking problem or solution, and I do not feel that you do either.....we choose our coping mechanisms. Then we brush ourselves off and move forward!!!

My best to you!

Up 10 lbs too
I've gained 10 lbs since April, 2010. I think it is related to the (new) daily glass of wine, and the fact that I've tried to feed my husband more to keep weight on. Then I'm eating with him.

I've kept up the exercise every day EXCEPT when particularly down. I have exercised the last two mornings, as I know it makes me feel better.

Yoga is a big stress reliever. Quiet, stretching Yoga. Breathe!
Nancy

DrMary · December 2010

nyogus1 said:
Up 10 lbs too
I've gained 10 lbs since April, 2010. I think it is related to the (new) daily glass of wine, and the fact that I've tried to feed my husband more to keep weight on. Then I'm eating with him.

I've kept up the exercise every day EXCEPT when particularly down. I have exercised the last two mornings, as I know it makes me feel better.

Yoga is a big stress reliever. Quiet, stretching Yoga. Breathe!
Nancy

Food and Other Drugs
Well, now every time I wish I could open a beer or pour a glass of wine, I eat - this is not a solution either. The gym does help and I'm finding more time, so I will try to do more exercise - you have my admiration, Nancy, for keeping it up.

Two things are keeping me on the wagon for now. First, he turned the corner and started to get better (from throwing up all the time to being able to keep liquids down) very soon after I decided I better refrain from drinking for the duration; yes, it could be a coincidence, as I also started him back on dexamethasone at the same time - but to be safe, I'm not making changes to either routine. Secondly, I realized that - since he had to stop taking all his pain meds and all of the anti-anxiety type anti-nausea drugs - he really had no relief from the discomfort and fear. Not really fair for me to have that relief when he didn't (and couldn't).

I'm hoping that I can keep this up until he's able to have his first pain-free glass of wine, so we can both enjoy it. It would be nice if I also manage to lose weight while he continues to gain. While I'm at it, I'd also like a pony. . .

GregStahl · December 2010

DrMary said:
Food and Other Drugs
Well, now every time I wish I could open a beer or pour a glass of wine, I eat - this is not a solution either. The gym does help and I'm finding more time, so I will try to do more exercise - you have my admiration, Nancy, for keeping it up.

Two things are keeping me on the wagon for now. First, he turned the corner and started to get better (from throwing up all the time to being able to keep liquids down) very soon after I decided I better refrain from drinking for the duration; yes, it could be a coincidence, as I also started him back on dexamethasone at the same time - but to be safe, I'm not making changes to either routine. Secondly, I realized that - since he had to stop taking all his pain meds and all of the anti-anxiety type anti-nausea drugs - he really had no relief from the discomfort and fear. Not really fair for me to have that relief when he didn't (and couldn't).

I'm hoping that I can keep this up until he's able to have his first pain-free glass of wine, so we can both enjoy it. It would be nice if I also manage to lose weight while he continues to gain. While I'm at it, I'd also like a pony. . .

I started
to drink more when my wife was Dx'ed with IDC. My mom had breast cancer most of my life and passed when I was 14, so I reflected back to that period and hit the beer as a way to escape the images of a 12 yr old doing things for his mom that no child should have to do.
Was to hard to see my wife asleep in a chair (because she couldnt lay flat) and thinking that was going to be my last image of her....so I hit the beer. Its hard, been hard.....

DrMary · December 2010

GregStahl said:
I started
to drink more when my wife was Dx'ed with IDC. My mom had breast cancer most of my life and passed when I was 14, so I reflected back to that period and hit the beer as a way to escape the images of a 12 yr old doing things for his mom that no child should have to do.
Was to hard to see my wife asleep in a chair (because she couldnt lay flat) and thinking that was going to be my last image of her....so I hit the beer. Its hard, been hard.....

Me too
(Cyperspace lost my first reply - if it shows up later, please forgive the second posting).

My father died of brain cancer when I was 11. He was smart and funny and it took all that away the final year.

I got a flashback as well when my husband started wasting away (he lost about 30 lbs in 3 weeks). In late September, he'd had a shutout period against a tough team (he's a hockey goalie) and held them into overtime. At one point, it seemed like the entire opposing team and their replacements were down in his end with shot after shot and he stopped them all (his team then scored early in overtime to win the tourney).

Six weeks later, and he feels week going up stairs and looks skeletal. For a while, it was either drink or slit my wrists. However, having journeyed to the heart of darkness once, I think it helped to know that I could find my way back. We both got better (he stopped throwing up and I stopped drinking so much).

It is hard - please keep talking. At one point, this kept me going (the end of a Robert Frost poem, where he thinks about how easy it would be to lay down in the snowy woods and die, rather than push on): "The woods are lovely, dark and deep; But I have promises to keep; And miles to go before I sleep; And miles to go before I sleep."

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