venting - once chemo ended support vanished
My house is absolutely filthy. Not one piece of laundry has been done since Tuesday, and the 3 loads i did myself on Tuesday are STILL sitting in my laundry room, needing to be put away. I just had surgery & can't lift & carry laundry baskets full of clothes upstairs. My dish washer has been run a total of 1 time since my surgery, my kitchen & the sink stink. And I'm here by myself having to smell it. Rather than washing the baby bottles & sippy cups each day & putting them on the drying rack, my husband will wash one at a time when he needs it - and old crusty stinky milk sits in the sink. I swear nobody here can wipe off a counter or rinse out a sink around here. I just want to shake the crap out of my husband and ask him if he really thinks it's acceptable to live like this? Then I tell him I'm frustrated with how dirty it is in here (and it is, not just messy, it's dirty, and I'm very ashamed of that) - he goes on with "well im sorry im not doing enough for you, i work and you dont, etc etc etc". I dont even want to be in this house 1 moment longer. I'm thinking about calling & having my dad pick me up & take me to visit with my mom.
And I can't really complain to my friend & sister in law about their not helping me now when i really need it - because then i sound ungrateful. My husband gets all defensive about his sister even though she's not helping him, either. I can't afford a cleaning service & cleaning for a reason doesn't have any service providers in my area. .
Ugh Im so sorry for this vent. I'm so extremely frustrated. I think I just need to get out of the house for a while. I'm glad I can come on here to talk about things like this & get these feelings out!
*thank you & hugs*
Heather
Comments
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aww heather! that;s a bummer!
i wish i could help you! i guess the good thing about not having any support to begin with is that you don't have to worry about it disappearing!!!
hang in there, you know things will get better eventually. in the meantime, just keep your eyes closed as much as you can so you don't see the chaos around you. (i know, not much of a solution, but it's all i could think of).
and you know, you can vent any time you want! we are here to listen to you!
♫♥´¯`•.¸¸.♥♫ Hugs from Heidi ♫♥´¯`•.¸¸.♥♫0 -
If I lived near you, I'd be over with my vacuumheidijez said:aww heather! that;s a bummer!
i wish i could help you! i guess the good thing about not having any support to begin with is that you don't have to worry about it disappearing!!!
hang in there, you know things will get better eventually. in the meantime, just keep your eyes closed as much as you can so you don't see the chaos around you. (i know, not much of a solution, but it's all i could think of).
and you know, you can vent any time you want! we are here to listen to you!
♫♥´¯`•.¸¸.♥♫ Hugs from Heidi ♫♥´¯`•.¸¸.♥♫
and 409! I mean it! I'm so sorry you're feeling so frustrated. It just isn't fair. I don't know what advice to give you. Perhaps your idea of having your dad pick you up isn't a bad one--sounds like you need a change of scenery and some rest and relaxation.
I hope things get better. Keep us posted--we all care.
Hugs, Renee0 -
I am so sorry...
perhaps you need or would like the help more now then during treatments...vent away...0 -
Buy candles
Aw Heatherbelle, I'm so sorry that you are not getting the support you need even after you ask!!!
My suggestion is to leave it all alone and buy some of those room deodorizing candles and let it pile up until he either cleans it up or you feel well enough to do it. Perfume under your nose will also keep the smell away.
I don't know why people assume that after treatment or surgery, we miraculously recover and want to do all the things that no one else will do...
(((hugs)))
JoAnn0 -
Vent
Read your posts frequently. Somehow this will fall into place. Is there a church group that does outreach work that you can call for help? Teenagers at our church do small chores for those in need, just a thought.
You are a very brave, courages woman. Prayers for you on their way.0 -
I totally understand....joannstar said:Buy candles
Aw Heatherbelle, I'm so sorry that you are not getting the support you need even after you ask!!!
My suggestion is to leave it all alone and buy some of those room deodorizing candles and let it pile up until he either cleans it up or you feel well enough to do it. Perfume under your nose will also keep the smell away.
I don't know why people assume that after treatment or surgery, we miraculously recover and want to do all the things that no one else will do...
(((hugs)))
JoAnn
I am done with treatment and rads but it takes so long to get some energy back! I am lucky that my husband will help when asked. He doesn't just do it when he sees it, but will when I say something. Then he gets the kids to help him. My sister's don't live near by and that is hard they would help if they were here. At least that is what they say! :-) I had many friends help but that has ended. Everyone seems to move on alot easier than we do. If no one will help do what you can and then you have to just let it go. It doesn't help your recovery to be stressed! Hang in there!0 -
Get out of the house!Jean T. Szabo said:Vent
Read your posts frequently. Somehow this will fall into place. Is there a church group that does outreach work that you can call for help? Teenagers at our church do small chores for those in need, just a thought.
You are a very brave, courages woman. Prayers for you on their way.
If I were you, I would have my Dad pick me up and take me too my Moms for a break.
What could it hurt?
You could get some rest and have a nice visit with your mom.
If I was close too you I would clean your house for you!
Where do you live?
Maybe someone on here knows somebody that can help you.
Take care sister...Karie0 -
Go to your mom's
and maybe take the kids with you and stay for the week end if that would be relaxing for both you and her.
Men just don't get it sometimes and I'm sorry your friends and family aren's coming through for you.
Hang in there, you'll feel better soon.
marge0 -
You Have Every Right to Vent!
What you're going through is unfortunately VERY common! And not because people don't care, they just don't freakin' understand! They assume that because you're "done" with chemo that somehow you're suppose to just bounce right back to how you were before treatment! Ugh...it's WAY annoying!
Have you thought about getting in touch with your local American Cancer Society Chapter? I've heard that they have cleaning services for cancer patience. Never used them myself (because I didn't know about it!), but you may want to find out more about how it works? ALso, if you can get involved in a support group, that would be helpful. Many times the group's members will pitch in and help others with whatever need help with, whether or not you're still in or out of "active" treatment. Just a thought:)
Hang in there! It will get better. Just takes time! And your hubby, family and friends need to be reminded of that!!
Sally0 -
HelpJean T. Szabo said:Vent
Read your posts frequently. Somehow this will fall into place. Is there a church group that does outreach work that you can call for help? Teenagers at our church do small chores for those in need, just a thought.
You are a very brave, courages woman. Prayers for you on their way.
Yes, Jean, good idea! I was just thinking the same thing with regards to a church program that might help! It has got to be a bummer. Sure makes me appreciate my hubby! I'm gonna tell him when he comes in for lunch. Anyway, sweet Heather, this too shall pass, a year from know it will all just be a bad memory. DON'T TRY AND DO IT YOURSELF, you'll hurt yourself and then just be more frustrated. Believe me, I did it! Go see your mom..Hugs....alison
PS So how are the new girls doing?0 -
Dear Heather,
Vent away my friend.....that's why we are here. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think you need to just get away, if just to your parents. Change your surroundings. Maybe you should call some of your close friends and ask them for help. Don't be ashamed or embarrased. After what you have been through they should understand. Maybe contact your local American Cancer Society or the cancer center at your hospital to see if they can recommend where you can get help. Hang in there. Soft hugs, Jean0 -
Heather
you vent all you want. I can totally sympathize. After my numerous shoulder surgeries I was told not to use the vacuum! With limited mobility I tried to do the laundry when my hubby was home so he could lift the basket, etc. Even dusting bothered my shoulders. So, I finally came to the decision to hire a housekeeper. Mind you my hubby was working overtime to compensate for my having to quit my job of 18 years. I had a very nice woman come every other week for a year and then I decided I couldn't afford it anymore. My hubby still does the vacuuming, the shower stalls and takes care of the yard. I'm able to clean every 3 weeks between treatments. I clean the kitchen, the bathroom sinks & toilets and dust. I get exhausted easily. Today I did some and feel like it never ends. There are only the 2 of us so I don't have to worry about young children but in the past I was a neat freak. When my husband first started to vacuum I was very critical and had to learn to keep my mouth shut. I just have zero energy and know that the mess will still be there tomorrow! I hope your situation gets better as you heal.
{{hugs}} Char0 -
Vent!!
Heather, Vent all you want. you are frustrated and we totally understand but unfortunitly others don't. If I lived close I would come to help you! You can only do so much, when you feel like it you'll get it done alittle at a time. Don't pressure yourself. Great idea, I hope you did go to visit your mom today.
Hugs to you,
Annette0 -
Heather let it goAnnette 11 said:Vent!!
Heather, Vent all you want. you are frustrated and we totally understand but unfortunitly others don't. If I lived close I would come to help you! You can only do so much, when you feel like it you'll get it done alittle at a time. Don't pressure yourself. Great idea, I hope you did go to visit your mom today.
Hugs to you,
Annette
I am very sorry, completely understand, still please let it go. Safety of your baby is the most important issue so far, the rest just let it go. You can buy disposable plates, eat prepared food and if your husband like the house as it is now, then let it be. Do not put pressure on yourself, you need to recover and gain energy.
Hugs0 -
Everyone needs to man bash from time to time!!
Heather, hang in there... grab a good book, find a clean spot (or sit on some soft dirty laundry pile ha), pour a glass of red (or pop a pretty pink pill) and lose yourself in some fantasy... (like a good fiction about men cleaning without being asked == NEVER!!!)
I, too, find myself overwhelmed in the same situation and it seems as if all the "dirty" multiplies by 10 the minute we can't do it. I usually RUN to the nearest store and purchase something -- even sometimes cleaning gadgets HA!! Honey, do whatever YOU NEED to keep your sanity and remember you're getting stronger by the day
Gotta love those "anything I can do to help" people who only seem to appear when it's convenient for them. They are abundant here too and I tend to rely on them less and less. Throw something or break something (dispensible of course) to get the frustrations out and you'll feel better soon.
In the meantime, if there is anything I can do to help.... LOL
Blessings and hugs sis,
Stace0 -
Form your Union of ONE
and GO ON STRIKE!
It does work as long as you're willing to 'stick to your guns'. The funniest (and quickest end to our 'strike' was with Son when G-daughter was very young. DIL (now ex) was going to school full time and working full time. Son worked full time and I was Gram to G-daughter when they were at work of school. Well Son decided to be a lazy jerk about helping DIL so I told her about forming her Union of One (which became a Union of 2). The first day he didn't pay any attention to her the first day and said "That's fine - Mom'll do it tomorrow." I got there in the morning and DIL told me what had happened. Well - G-Daughter and I went to WalMart that day and got a poster board, put IN BIG BLACK LETTERS "WILSON WOMEN'S UNION ON STRIKE! Enter at your risk!" and put it on the door (They lived in an apt. complex). G-Daughter and I proceeded to dump almost all of her toy boxes in the livingroom and were sitting on the floor in the middle of it all playing when Son got home. He walked in, came over and hugged G-daughter and then hugged me and said "I get it Mom! I need to go to the store for flowers!". Usually takes a bit longer for 'them' to get the point however Son had grown up with me going on Strike when needed and realized that he was in the wrong.
It will work - but sometimes the first time or 2 takes more patience/stick to it, but the only times I know of someone trying it and it not working was when they gave in almost immediately.0 -
Heather
so sorry you are having such a rough time. Going to visit your mom with the kids for the weekend sounds like a wonderful idea. You will be able to rest in a clean and neat environment instead of being so tense and upset. Maybe being alone in a messy house is exactly what will help your husband wake up to reality.0 -
house workRague said:Form your Union of ONE
and GO ON STRIKE!
It does work as long as you're willing to 'stick to your guns'. The funniest (and quickest end to our 'strike' was with Son when G-daughter was very young. DIL (now ex) was going to school full time and working full time. Son worked full time and I was Gram to G-daughter when they were at work of school. Well Son decided to be a lazy jerk about helping DIL so I told her about forming her Union of One (which became a Union of 2). The first day he didn't pay any attention to her the first day and said "That's fine - Mom'll do it tomorrow." I got there in the morning and DIL told me what had happened. Well - G-Daughter and I went to WalMart that day and got a poster board, put IN BIG BLACK LETTERS "WILSON WOMEN'S UNION ON STRIKE! Enter at your risk!" and put it on the door (They lived in an apt. complex). G-Daughter and I proceeded to dump almost all of her toy boxes in the livingroom and were sitting on the floor in the middle of it all playing when Son got home. He walked in, came over and hugged G-daughter and then hugged me and said "I get it Mom! I need to go to the store for flowers!". Usually takes a bit longer for 'them' to get the point however Son had grown up with me going on Strike when needed and realized that he was in the wrong.
It will work - but sometimes the first time or 2 takes more patience/stick to it, but the only times I know of someone trying it and it not working was when they gave in almost immediately.
Hi Heatherbelle,
I know how you feel I'm not comfortable letting my house go when your use to it being clean you feel better and that helps in your recovery,you have little ones and you want their surroundings to be clean, I'm not sure going to mom & dads is a good idea because it will only get worst while your gone and that want be something to look forward to coming back,just do what you can just wash what you need like your clothes and the children (oops did i forget to wash your clothes honey LOL)when i was so sick from chemo my house went too, but i was to sick to even care but when i came out of the bed room i had to wipe the counters down and literally throw trash away off the kitchen table,my oldest would wash but i had him only wash what they needed and when i was able to get up i did the same until i really felt better, my husband bought dinner every night. that was always my problem i wanted everything clean because that's what i do for a living but now from being so sick i really DON'T WORRY about that any more I'm just glad to be here ,you have an excuse if somebody comes over. Hugs MOLLYZ0 -
There is helpRague said:Form your Union of ONE
and GO ON STRIKE!
It does work as long as you're willing to 'stick to your guns'. The funniest (and quickest end to our 'strike' was with Son when G-daughter was very young. DIL (now ex) was going to school full time and working full time. Son worked full time and I was Gram to G-daughter when they were at work of school. Well Son decided to be a lazy jerk about helping DIL so I told her about forming her Union of One (which became a Union of 2). The first day he didn't pay any attention to her the first day and said "That's fine - Mom'll do it tomorrow." I got there in the morning and DIL told me what had happened. Well - G-Daughter and I went to WalMart that day and got a poster board, put IN BIG BLACK LETTERS "WILSON WOMEN'S UNION ON STRIKE! Enter at your risk!" and put it on the door (They lived in an apt. complex). G-Daughter and I proceeded to dump almost all of her toy boxes in the livingroom and were sitting on the floor in the middle of it all playing when Son got home. He walked in, came over and hugged G-daughter and then hugged me and said "I get it Mom! I need to go to the store for flowers!". Usually takes a bit longer for 'them' to get the point however Son had grown up with me going on Strike when needed and realized that he was in the wrong.
It will work - but sometimes the first time or 2 takes more patience/stick to it, but the only times I know of someone trying it and it not working was when they gave in almost immediately.
Heather, I am straining my brain to remember the name of an organization that sends someone to help cancer patients with housework. Just wanted to let you know there is help. I will post it as soon as I find it. Also wanted to say to you that help is needed for a long time after chemo. Maybe it depends on age (I was 58 at diagnosis 7 years ago). But it took me months to get my strength back after the surgery, chemo, and radiation. Yes, you need help. But more than anything you need understanding. I hope your husband gets it soon and gives you the moral support you need as well as helping out with the housework. How old is your daughter?0
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