Wrestling with this feeling
All my life I have been a good person, never intentionally hurt anyone, tried to help people if I could. I put myself thru school, worked, supported myself. I'm honest I never cheated anyone or stole from anyone.
I have a great relationship with God He is my Father, and I His child. I love Him, I loved Him before cancer, and love Him still. When diagnosed with cancer 13 months ago, I thought ok God and I will get me thru this. He has been there with me, and I am thankful.
I have a younger brother who has never been good. He is rotten. He is 38yo and lives off our 65yo mother. When he was younger he was a thief, liar, drug addict. He stole from our mom putting her into bankruptcy. He put her in harms way with his drug dealers. He served 2 years in prison for bank robbery. He has lived on welfare his whole adult life. He has never bought anything on his own. Our mom has handed him everything. He is married, and has a 9yo son. They all live together. Mom pays all the bills, and takes care of their son. He and his wife have worked in restaurants off and on no more than 20 hours a week. They spend their money on video games, entertainment, and drugs.
Brothers and wife dream is to open their own restaurant business. Months ago they meet a man who has a restaurant building. They talk, and now are in the process of opening their own business. This man is financing everything to get them started. Once they get going they will pay him back, and be on their own. If they hang in there, they can make it work.
Question and problem for me: Why does my rotten brother have his dream come true, and I get handed a cancer diagnosis?
I'm not angry, nor am I jealous. I don't think I am. I'm just not sure what the feeling is.
My bro. texts me saying how good God is to him since he has been blessed with his dream come true business. Does that mean that God hasn't been good to be since I've been handed the cancer card?
I think way to much. I'm trying to figure out Gods thinking, and reasoning. I know an impossible thing to do. Bottom line is: I just don't get it.
Thanks for reading. Jennifer
Comments
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I think we all feel this way
I think we all feel this way at times. I too am a Christian and have at times wondered why it seems like the rotten people get all the breaks. I know being your brother it has to be harder to watch since it affects your Mom. I know God is in control of all things but I too have questioned why?? We know all things work together for good to those who love God. God loves us all the same I know there is a reason for what is going on, but the human in us still wants to know the why of it. Sorry I kinda feel like I am rambling here.I can't seem to say what I am trying to say. We know God is not punishing us with a cancer dx but, making our faith grow stronger.
I found this quote in a magazine one day "The gains of heaven will more than compensate for the losses of earth" God Bless
(((Hugs))) Janice Jer. 29:110 -
Sweet Sunshine! So many of
Sweet Sunshine! So many of us have similar life stories...we could fill in the blanks with the names of our family members instead of yours, and also , as hard as we try not to, start wondering why????? And more often than not, there doesn't seem to be a satisfying answer.
When I look at things historically, or in the abstract, I see that things are often Not Fair! Ummmmm~ watching the history channel about say the Mafia! From the newsreels we see Lots of money, travel, night clubs, wine, women and song, etc etc. We also know where the money came from and the violence attached. But from the OUTSIDE, it sure looked like crime pays! Their funerals after gangland killings were also often lavish affairs with representation from The Church. Those family members struggling to live honest lives, washing clothes, cooking pasta and being faithful and honest to their spouses must have had very similar reactions to what you are experiencing now. Not that they wanted to become gansters, but they must have womdered "what's the point?" I am treading on thin ice here, and forgive me, but just knowing there is a future reward is obviously NOT enough to keep us on an emotional even keel now! Human feelings come in to play~ and those can be treacherous!
If your brother and his wife have not been industrious and hard workers al of their lives, chances are, being business owners and responsible for the day to day running of a successful restaurant will be a nightmare of epic proportions! Even if it should be a success, they will be non-ending slaves. Truly a case of being careful what you wish for!
And lastly, as I know many will weigh in here...things are not always as they appear. The God who is granting wishes and favors may not in actually be the benevolent bestower your brother thinks he is. God=power...music is a god to some, drugs is a god to some, sports a god to others. You get the picture...just because we seemingly get what we asked for, doesn't mean the one giving it has our best interest at heart. You have to know who your god is...
I think that divorcing yourself emotionally as much as possible will help you soooo much! When your brother talks to you, I suggest you tell him you absolutely hope things work out beautifully for him. If you are in a constant state of inner turmoil about the things you have no control over, it will only harm you.
Focus on who you are, focus on the good and positive life choices you have made, and that you are this amazing woman with deep, honest convictions. And think about this group of strong, caring, Kindred Spirits here on the boards. We hold each other up, we hug, we both cry and rejoice for one another. A True Bond oftetimes stronger than that of the genetic variety.
My mantra, since I was diagnosed has ALWAYS been...Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At. I need strength to get my through this battle~ not just the cancer battle, but the Life Battles such as you described. Anger zaps strength so quickly, and I simply can't be angry when I need to be strong. I share my strength with you. As does everyone on these boards.
Hope I didn't ramble too much!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
I understand what you'rechenheart said:Sweet Sunshine! So many of
Sweet Sunshine! So many of us have similar life stories...we could fill in the blanks with the names of our family members instead of yours, and also , as hard as we try not to, start wondering why????? And more often than not, there doesn't seem to be a satisfying answer.
When I look at things historically, or in the abstract, I see that things are often Not Fair! Ummmmm~ watching the history channel about say the Mafia! From the newsreels we see Lots of money, travel, night clubs, wine, women and song, etc etc. We also know where the money came from and the violence attached. But from the OUTSIDE, it sure looked like crime pays! Their funerals after gangland killings were also often lavish affairs with representation from The Church. Those family members struggling to live honest lives, washing clothes, cooking pasta and being faithful and honest to their spouses must have had very similar reactions to what you are experiencing now. Not that they wanted to become gansters, but they must have womdered "what's the point?" I am treading on thin ice here, and forgive me, but just knowing there is a future reward is obviously NOT enough to keep us on an emotional even keel now! Human feelings come in to play~ and those can be treacherous!
If your brother and his wife have not been industrious and hard workers al of their lives, chances are, being business owners and responsible for the day to day running of a successful restaurant will be a nightmare of epic proportions! Even if it should be a success, they will be non-ending slaves. Truly a case of being careful what you wish for!
And lastly, as I know many will weigh in here...things are not always as they appear. The God who is granting wishes and favors may not in actually be the benevolent bestower your brother thinks he is. God=power...music is a god to some, drugs is a god to some, sports a god to others. You get the picture...just because we seemingly get what we asked for, doesn't mean the one giving it has our best interest at heart. You have to know who your god is...
I think that divorcing yourself emotionally as much as possible will help you soooo much! When your brother talks to you, I suggest you tell him you absolutely hope things work out beautifully for him. If you are in a constant state of inner turmoil about the things you have no control over, it will only harm you.
Focus on who you are, focus on the good and positive life choices you have made, and that you are this amazing woman with deep, honest convictions. And think about this group of strong, caring, Kindred Spirits here on the boards. We hold each other up, we hug, we both cry and rejoice for one another. A True Bond oftetimes stronger than that of the genetic variety.
My mantra, since I was diagnosed has ALWAYS been...Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At. I need strength to get my through this battle~ not just the cancer battle, but the Life Battles such as you described. Anger zaps strength so quickly, and I simply can't be angry when I need to be strong. I share my strength with you. As does everyone on these boards.
Hope I didn't ramble too much!
Hugs,
Chen♥
I understand what you're saying. My sister is an alcoholic/drug addict. She and her kids were living with me last year when I was diagnosed with both breast and esophageal cancer. My sister was counterproductive while I went through treatment and a few surgeries, but having the kids here with me was an unmitigated blessing. Then this spring she landed a really great job. This fall she lost it, and her kids, and is now back on probation.
I don't understand God's plan. I can only hope that my sister has finally reached bottom and will honestly work on recovery. As for me, I've learned that I am far, far stronger than I ever imagined. I'm not a victim, I am a survivor and a warrior, as you girls so aptly put it. And that's a role I never contemplated for myself.
You might find Bernie S. Siegel's books, including his first, Love, Medicine and Miracles, helpful.
God bless!
deb0 -
I have a similar story andccincin said:My thinking
I have similar feelings with all my siblings. I think I've been blessed with an easy life so far and have been given something that I can handle! Keep your chin up and you will kick some butt!
I have a similar story and it is also with my brother. He never worked hard and has a lot of addiction problems, yet my mother bails him out time and time again. I never ask her for anything.
For a long time it bothered me but I am now at peace because it's not for me to ask why? I feel good about the way I've lived my life and I don't think he has that feeling about himself. He is probably suffering a lot more than I am. Can you understand what I'm trying to say?
I am definately not preaching here, but the story about the good and bad brother in the Bible always made me wonder. The father opened his arms wide and had a party when the bad brother came home, much to the good one's dismay.
Then the father explained that the good son would always be there and he had to celebrate the bad son's coming home and that he realized the error of his ways.
Tough to take sometimes huh.
God bless and be proud of yourself.
Hugs,
Wanda0 -
Timeless Question
Why bad things happen to good people?
I don't know, and the book of Job doesn't quite do it for me either. As far as your brother is concerned, I hope it works out and turns his life around, but I have a feeling that it won't. Going from less than 20 hours a week working to the 60+ hours needed to run a business is a long way.
Personally, I don't think God concerns himself with who is running the diner down the street; your brother just got lucky. Of course it could have been the answer to one of your prayers, that your brother not be such a low life.
All you can do is love.
Bob0 -
I like your response, Bob!Hubby said:Timeless Question
Why bad things happen to good people?
I don't know, and the book of Job doesn't quite do it for me either. As far as your brother is concerned, I hope it works out and turns his life around, but I have a feeling that it won't. Going from less than 20 hours a week working to the 60+ hours needed to run a business is a long way.
Personally, I don't think God concerns himself with who is running the diner down the street; your brother just got lucky. Of course it could have been the answer to one of your prayers, that your brother not be such a low life.
All you can do is love.
Bob
I like your response, Bob!
I have also often wondered about prayers before sporting events, diner openings, the purchase of lottery tickets, etc ect. We perhaps SAY we are praying for grace and dignity in the face of competition, but really?? C'mon! When the "winner" on some award show thanks God for winning, does that mean that all the other people who prayed were ignored by said higher power??? Of course not! In the grand scheme of things...it all no doubt went unheard. I have come to realize that there are many, many things which are permitted and allowed to be~ which has nothing at all to do with intervening or causing.....0 -
Prayers never go unansweredchenheart said:I like your response, Bob!
I like your response, Bob!
I have also often wondered about prayers before sporting events, diner openings, the purchase of lottery tickets, etc ect. We perhaps SAY we are praying for grace and dignity in the face of competition, but really?? C'mon! When the "winner" on some award show thanks God for winning, does that mean that all the other people who prayed were ignored by said higher power??? Of course not! In the grand scheme of things...it all no doubt went unheard. I have come to realize that there are many, many things which are permitted and allowed to be~ which has nothing at all to do with intervening or causing.....
Prayers never go unanswered or unheard. No is an answer to prayer too. I am sure that some of the people who thank God for winning something are truly serious, many just think it is the thing to say. I personally have never heard a prayer at a sporting event ask for one team or another to win, just for safety over the players and for safe travels. God knows our hearts when we talk to him. God Bless
(((Hugs))) Janice0 -
I need an editor! :-)Boppy_of_6 said:Prayers never go unanswered
Prayers never go unanswered or unheard. No is an answer to prayer too. I am sure that some of the people who thank God for winning something are truly serious, many just think it is the thing to say. I personally have never heard a prayer at a sporting event ask for one team or another to win, just for safety over the players and for safe travels. God knows our hearts when we talk to him. God Bless
(((Hugs))) Janice
I don't believe I wrote down just what I meant! If one is a believer, of course prayers don't go unanswered...even if the answer if NO! As a kid I used to pray that I PLEASE pass my math test~ even if I hadn't studied! Or the bargains with God that many make "If you get me out of this, I will do that". And so on and so forth. I know that it rains and shines on the good and the bad, without discrimination. Again, what God allows and what he causes to happen are often 2 different things!
I meant no disrespect to any who are diligent and honest in conversations with their creator.
We do have a Spirituality Board here at CSN...I think this was better suited for that board! My apologies!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
Thanks Boppy for writing what I was thinking!chenheart said:I need an editor! :-)
I don't believe I wrote down just what I meant! If one is a believer, of course prayers don't go unanswered...even if the answer if NO! As a kid I used to pray that I PLEASE pass my math test~ even if I hadn't studied! Or the bargains with God that many make "If you get me out of this, I will do that". And so on and so forth. I know that it rains and shines on the good and the bad, without discrimination. Again, what God allows and what he causes to happen are often 2 different things!
I meant no disrespect to any who are diligent and honest in conversations with their creator.
We do have a Spirituality Board here at CSN...I think this was better suited for that board! My apologies!
Hugs,
Chen♥
I totally agree with you Janice. Prayers never go unanswered. God is always with us and always listening! I always loved the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I hope that is the right title of it. Bad things happen, but, it isn't God's fault. And, to each person that prays to God, whether it be for a cure to bc or that all of the football players get through a game safely, they are all important.
Hugs, Leeza0 -
It is possible that what you
It is possible that what you are feeling is envy. Your brother gets what he wants and needs without even trying in life and you have a life threatening disease to deal with. It is perfectly understandable. A question to ask is - would you rather be your brother or have his kind of life or your own with cancer. These things do catch up with people eventually, and I know for me, I would not want to live life with such lack of integrity and honesty. He has to live with himself and his actions. On the surface he might be alright with it but internally there is often huge conflict, feelings of deficiency and out of touch with reality. He lives a very rocky and unstable life while yours appears to be very grounded in your religous and spiritual practice. Hmmm ... your situation could appear more 'enviable' than his.
Is it possible to pray very earnestly and deeply for God to show you the 'truth' in this situation? We can never know the 'mind' of God but we can trust and be guided in a way that is appropriate to our own understanding.
It is beneficial to get curious and explore this feeling that is very uncomfortable for you.0 -
It is all so fascinating,jnl said:Thanks Boppy for writing what I was thinking!
I totally agree with you Janice. Prayers never go unanswered. God is always with us and always listening! I always loved the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I hope that is the right title of it. Bad things happen, but, it isn't God's fault. And, to each person that prays to God, whether it be for a cure to bc or that all of the football players get through a game safely, they are all important.
Hugs, Leeza
It is all so fascinating, isn't it?? I have family members who scoff at any and all things having to do with even the concept of God. I have lots and lots of Native American friends since I am married to a Native man. Many ,if not most of them have such distain for the "Christian" system which enslaved their people and stripped them of their traditional beliefs. They pray to The Grandfather and the Mother Ocean, and send prayers in the form of tobacco out over the ocean, or into a fire.
My former father in law stopped believing in God when he got ill~ he started blaming and never stopped. It gave him the excuse he was looking for never to accompany his wife to church again!
I have Jewish family, athiest family, Christian family, family who used to be Jehovah's Witnesses, disillusioned family, church going family and everything inbetween!Thankfully, my mom and dad never taught us that Religion and Politics should never be discussed~but quite the contrary! We had the liveliest of conversations at our family dinner table while I was growing up!! LOL
Never a dull moment!
Chen♥0 -
Sadchenheart said:It is all so fascinating,
It is all so fascinating, isn't it?? I have family members who scoff at any and all things having to do with even the concept of God. I have lots and lots of Native American friends since I am married to a Native man. Many ,if not most of them have such distain for the "Christian" system which enslaved their people and stripped them of their traditional beliefs. They pray to The Grandfather and the Mother Ocean, and send prayers in the form of tobacco out over the ocean, or into a fire.
My former father in law stopped believing in God when he got ill~ he started blaming and never stopped. It gave him the excuse he was looking for never to accompany his wife to church again!
I have Jewish family, athiest family, Christian family, family who used to be Jehovah's Witnesses, disillusioned family, church going family and everything inbetween!Thankfully, my mom and dad never taught us that Religion and Politics should never be discussed~but quite the contrary! We had the liveliest of conversations at our family dinner table while I was growing up!! LOL
Never a dull moment!
Chen♥
I feel sorry for people that don't believe in God, very sorry for them.
♥ Tinker Lex0 -
Dinner Tablechenheart said:It is all so fascinating,
It is all so fascinating, isn't it?? I have family members who scoff at any and all things having to do with even the concept of God. I have lots and lots of Native American friends since I am married to a Native man. Many ,if not most of them have such distain for the "Christian" system which enslaved their people and stripped them of their traditional beliefs. They pray to The Grandfather and the Mother Ocean, and send prayers in the form of tobacco out over the ocean, or into a fire.
My former father in law stopped believing in God when he got ill~ he started blaming and never stopped. It gave him the excuse he was looking for never to accompany his wife to church again!
I have Jewish family, athiest family, Christian family, family who used to be Jehovah's Witnesses, disillusioned family, church going family and everything inbetween!Thankfully, my mom and dad never taught us that Religion and Politics should never be discussed~but quite the contrary! We had the liveliest of conversations at our family dinner table while I was growing up!! LOL
Never a dull moment!
Chen♥
That thought about the family around the dinner table made me think. In todays society do you ever just wonder how often that happens anymore? I too as a child always had dinner with the family, if you wanted to eat you ate at the table with everyone! Of course we only had black and white TV and 2 channels lol.. I know it is hard for families now days to do that but, do you ever just wonder what would be different for kids today if they could? Glad we grew up when we did huh? God Bless
(((Hugs))) Janice0 -
I am very very happy that IBoppy_of_6 said:Dinner Table
That thought about the family around the dinner table made me think. In todays society do you ever just wonder how often that happens anymore? I too as a child always had dinner with the family, if you wanted to eat you ate at the table with everyone! Of course we only had black and white TV and 2 channels lol.. I know it is hard for families now days to do that but, do you ever just wonder what would be different for kids today if they could? Glad we grew up when we did huh? God Bless
(((Hugs))) Janice
I am very very happy that I grew up when I did~! I agree with you 100%! My father always sat at the head of the table, and though we were 6 children, none of us could start eating before my dad served my mom her plate! We had to ask to be excused from the table, and of course we took our plates back to the kitchen!
Another family food rule: We could not say we didn't like something unless we had tried it at least 3 times!
My Dad was a newspaper editor which added to the liveliness of the conversations. He would throw out random current event questions.."so, what do you think about what's happening in"(fill in the blank) and we had to know what was going on in the world outside of our house and form an opinion! I remember going with him to hear him in a panel discussion when I was maybe 15 about Censorship vs Freedom of the Press~ heady stuff!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
Very glad Boppychenheart said:I am very very happy that I
I am very very happy that I grew up when I did~! I agree with you 100%! My father always sat at the head of the table, and though we were 6 children, none of us could start eating before my dad served my mom her plate! We had to ask to be excused from the table, and of course we took our plates back to the kitchen!
Another family food rule: We could not say we didn't like something unless we had tried it at least 3 times!
My Dad was a newspaper editor which added to the liveliness of the conversations. He would throw out random current event questions.."so, what do you think about what's happening in"(fill in the blank) and we had to know what was going on in the world outside of our house and form an opinion! I remember going with him to hear him in a panel discussion when I was maybe 15 about Censorship vs Freedom of the Press~ heady stuff!
Hugs,
Chen♥
We still all sit around the dinner table for every meal. It is required in my house. I was raised that way and I think it truly contributes to a good family, knowing what is going on with your other family members and even discipline. We were not allowed to leave the table without asking for permission even.
I know so many where even at the holidays, the men disappear into another room to watch the football games, and, I have always thought, that of all times, everyone should be at the table enjoying the holiday together.
We always talk about our day, tell jokes, just enjoy a good meal and each other.
And, we always ask for God's blessing.
I think if more families applied the rule of sitting down to meals together, some of the problems with teenagers might not be for some.
Family time is precious, so, take it at every chance you get.
♥ Tinker Lex0 -
I agree completely TinkerAlexis F said:Sad
I feel sorry for people that don't believe in God, very sorry for them.
♥ Tinker Lex
I agree completely Tinker Lex. God Bless
(((Hugs))) Janice0 -
Hi Jennifer
Not minimize your loser brother having been handed eveything, but I think it's we, survivors, that take it to the place of "why me?" and then try to figure that out! There just isn't any answer to be had, at least not in this lifetime. Just recognize that it is, negative thinking, and of course won't do YOU any good at all! Just try and be happy for him, and of course you nephew!! Hugss...alison0 -
Oopswebbwife50 said:Hi Jennifer
Not minimize your loser brother having been handed eveything, but I think it's we, survivors, that take it to the place of "why me?" and then try to figure that out! There just isn't any answer to be had, at least not in this lifetime. Just recognize that it is, negative thinking, and of course won't do YOU any good at all! Just try and be happy for him, and of course you nephew!! Hugss...alison
Speaking of being human, double post. Sorry.0 -
It's all been saidwebbwife50 said:Hi Jennifer
Not minimize your loser brother having been handed eveything, but I think it's we, survivors, that take it to the place of "why me?" and then try to figure that out! There just isn't any answer to be had, at least not in this lifetime. Just recognize that it is, negative thinking, and of course won't do YOU any good at all! Just try and be happy for him, and of course you nephew!! Hugss...alison
so eloquently by so many , but I do want to say I HEAR YOU. I've struggled with similar feelings and eventually get recentered and back into my own business and gratitude, but sometimes it's just hard being human.
A big hug to you.
xoxo
Victoria0
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