Whats the deal with moms lately?
Me and my mom havent had a relationship forever but we arent mean to each we just dont really talk to one another good or bad. We see eachother all the time cuz she lives with my sister and this is the same sister im really close to.
I was at my sisters yesterday and my mom has not seen me since i started going topless. She walks into the room and says "you look like a boy" and she walked back out.
I was floored i had no response. Im not even sure how i feel just shocked and numb. Im sure my feelings will surface about it later but right now just confused. (some hurt and angry feelings tryin to surface and im tryin to supress them...for now)
Should i say something to her or just let it go?
Comments
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JoJo, I would
have stood there with my mouth wide open for your mother's foot. It was an insensitive remark. It's one thing to think it and another to say it out loud. I'm happy to say my mom wouldn't do that. She's more upset that 3 of her 4 daughters all have bc. Sooo, your mother's remark does not deserve a comment from you. Ignore her comment and move forward. We all think you look great, so what does she know????
Char0 -
Sorry Jo Jo
I guess it just push the out of the comfort zone. As most of us " do not look sock" people around us forget about cancer and how dangerous the cancer is. Seeing you with short hair reminded her mom about serious situation and she does not want to be reminded about cancer. I do not have come back words, but I know for sure going"topless is a very important phycological step in recovery, and you should continue going out with a great pride. Unfortunately, family members do not want hear about cancer and want to put is behind and never look back if it is still hurts you speak up, if no let it go.
Hugs ,
New Flower0 -
moms
good parenting is an art, it can be learned but it is not automatically present in all mothers. my mother was quite bad at parenting always so i was not expecting anything from her.
your mom sounds rather insensitive, i agree with new flower that cancer is so scary to them that they can't face it. i think i would say something to her, like: i do not look like a boy. you look really good in short hair, so there.0 -
Moms
Jo Jo, if you have the kind of relationship with your mother that you can tell her exactly what's on your mind (whether or not the two of you are close), I say tell her in a nice calm way. Just because someone is scared does not give them the right to say hurtful or disrespectful things. I have a mother-in-law that does it and my husband gives it right back to her. You deserve her respect for the mere fact that you are a cancer survivor. It's your head, whether she likes your hairstyle or not. I haven't worn anything on my head since the weather turned warm. I really don''t care what people think. I'm probably more comfortable in this heat than they are, anyway, and after all I've been through, I deserve to be comfortable now.0 -
Oh man...reeseslover1234 said:Moms
Jo Jo, if you have the kind of relationship with your mother that you can tell her exactly what's on your mind (whether or not the two of you are close), I say tell her in a nice calm way. Just because someone is scared does not give them the right to say hurtful or disrespectful things. I have a mother-in-law that does it and my husband gives it right back to her. You deserve her respect for the mere fact that you are a cancer survivor. It's your head, whether she likes your hairstyle or not. I haven't worn anything on my head since the weather turned warm. I really don''t care what people think. I'm probably more comfortable in this heat than they are, anyway, and after all I've been through, I deserve to be comfortable now.
My Mom used to zap me with a lot of zingers, JoJo. Clearly, she has some control, and self-control issues. I know it's hard but, if you get mad, she wins. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. In fact, you DON'T look like a boy at all. I have seen your picture- you are a doll! All I know is, telling off your Mom (well, at least MY Mom) rarely works. Stay strong JoJo! xoxo, Jackie0 -
Jo Jojackiejhm said:Oh man...
My Mom used to zap me with a lot of zingers, JoJo. Clearly, she has some control, and self-control issues. I know it's hard but, if you get mad, she wins. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. In fact, you DON'T look like a boy at all. I have seen your picture- you are a doll! All I know is, telling off your Mom (well, at least MY Mom) rarely works. Stay strong JoJo! xoxo, Jackie
I have that type of relationship not with my Mom but with my Dad. Lived like strangers under the same roof for about 20 years. We talk now but I just never had the closeness that many have with "their Daddy". He really withdrew after my divorce.
I guess for me, knowing how very difficult it was to talk to Dad, and knowing that I would get negative comments, I wrote him a letter. This was after my diagnosis with breast cancer.
I refrained from writing all the "finger pointing" topics because I wanted this letter to liberate me and free me of pented up frustration, anger and disappointment. I just wrote from my heart telling him that I was sorry for disappointing him and that I love him and forgive him. This letter was something I needed to do because the way my father is, he would have never approached me so we could talk.
He never mentioned the letter to me and he's had it for about 4 years now. But, I did notice a subtle change in him. I now make it a point to tell him that I love him even though he might not say it back. It's liberated me and has given me some peace and closure.
I don't know if this would be something you would consider.
Blessings,
Sylvia0 -
All I knowsea60 said:Jo Jo
I have that type of relationship not with my Mom but with my Dad. Lived like strangers under the same roof for about 20 years. We talk now but I just never had the closeness that many have with "their Daddy". He really withdrew after my divorce.
I guess for me, knowing how very difficult it was to talk to Dad, and knowing that I would get negative comments, I wrote him a letter. This was after my diagnosis with breast cancer.
I refrained from writing all the "finger pointing" topics because I wanted this letter to liberate me and free me of pented up frustration, anger and disappointment. I just wrote from my heart telling him that I was sorry for disappointing him and that I love him and forgive him. This letter was something I needed to do because the way my father is, he would have never approached me so we could talk.
He never mentioned the letter to me and he's had it for about 4 years now. But, I did notice a subtle change in him. I now make it a point to tell him that I love him even though he might not say it back. It's liberated me and has given me some peace and closure.
I don't know if this would be something you would consider.
Blessings,
Sylvia
is you look lovely with your new hair. I'm too often feisty, a big believer in truth and standing up for myself, but......sometimes I take the high road, just let it go and amuse myself with my real thoughts as I do so (because I still don't know how to REALLY let it go). Guess it comes down to your comfort level in dealing with your mom. There's always consequences...
Best of luck to you, and again, your hair is adorable,
xo,
Victoria0 -
the first thing I thought isHubby said:I didn't know my
I didn't know my mother-in-law had another daughter. I think your story is a tie with my mother-in-law seeing Donna in her wig the first time and saying "No, I don't like that at all". Maybe your sister can say something for you?
Bob
the first thing I thought is what others have said, I think it is painful for her to see an obvious sign of your illness. although your relationship is not close I think she loves you. If it was my daughter, it would be painful for me.However I have the presence of mind to not say something like that. But she may not be that kind of person.
I dont blame you for being mad, its so hard to have people comment on your changed appearance especially moms, they have a way of REALLY pushing our buttons. But I agree you look beautiful in your picture so hold your head up high, and enjoy the wind blowing through your hair, and dont let her get to you . Listen to us not her.0 -
jojo
I'd say both. Tell her how it made you feel and then let it go. It took me awhile & alot of courage to sport my new doo. I use to care what other people think, but now, it's like who cares?! I am a Survivor! I fought long & hard to get where I am today and I wear it with pride! Yesterday a young girl said to her mom in the store, "Look Mom, there's a boy dressed like a girl". It struck me at first only because I didn't know whether "I" should tell her why or let her mother. But what would she say? What does she know?
Maybe it is hard for her to see you like that. I know it is for my Mom & I believe it's one of the reasons she has kept her distance throughout my battle. It's still no excuse for saying something so hurtful, especially when you need to hear encouragement, compliments,(even if they are lies)or praise for all you've done & continue to do. I've learned to give my Mom her toxic waste back by saying something positive in response. It seems to take away the hurt and leave her speechless. You are a beautiful person inside & out. (Now say that 10 times to yourself, believe it, & don't let anyone take that from you!)
♥ Cat0 -
Ok so, how old?carkris said:the first thing I thought is
the first thing I thought is what others have said, I think it is painful for her to see an obvious sign of your illness. although your relationship is not close I think she loves you. If it was my daughter, it would be painful for me.However I have the presence of mind to not say something like that. But she may not be that kind of person.
I dont blame you for being mad, its so hard to have people comment on your changed appearance especially moms, they have a way of REALLY pushing our buttons. But I agree you look beautiful in your picture so hold your head up high, and enjoy the wind blowing through your hair, and dont let her get to you . Listen to us not her.
How old is your mother? I'm betting she's a whole lot younger than mine, because you look a whole lot younger than me! :-) If she's aging, sometimes older people think they can say whatever they feel, and it's ok. It's not, of course, but I can tell you my mother, who is 90 years old, in the past 10 years has said things that have really sent me reeling. But, I just thought that's how it was. I never know what's coming out of her mouth next. She does make hair comments ALOT, and can be quite cutting. My hair needs a trim, and believe me, she'll tell me if I don't have it pinned up and in a bun. It's just the way they are.
Hang in their Jo-Jo. You don't look like a boy...you look very pretty, and the hair will grow.0 -
Hmmm
Jojo maybe she meant it in a loving way.
Hey as far as I am concerned, boys are cute ; )
I think we should cut the moms some slack, it must be
very hard for them to see their babies go through this.
My wise mom used to say, when reacting to words always
take the source of the words into consideration, your
momma wouldn't want to hurt you, I don't think.
I'd say let it go!!
Ayse0 -
Hi Jo Jo!
Please find a way to tell your mom that her comment was hurtful. We must learn to stand up for ourselves. You don't have to be mean. My dad used to say hurtful things to me and finally one day I said, "Dad, that hurt my feelings." I saw the shock in his face. You are so beautiful and have such a great attitude, that your mom might be a little jealous. People do all sorts of things to get attention. Hard to believe but true. We shouldn't let people get away with hurting us whether it is intentional or not. My friend, Dr. Bernie Seigel (who wrote several books on cancer and recovery) calls that "survivor behavior". He's pretty famous. He wrote "Love, Medicine and Miracles" as well as several other books.
Roseann0 -
JoJoroseann4 said:Hi Jo Jo!
Please find a way to tell your mom that her comment was hurtful. We must learn to stand up for ourselves. You don't have to be mean. My dad used to say hurtful things to me and finally one day I said, "Dad, that hurt my feelings." I saw the shock in his face. You are so beautiful and have such a great attitude, that your mom might be a little jealous. People do all sorts of things to get attention. Hard to believe but true. We shouldn't let people get away with hurting us whether it is intentional or not. My friend, Dr. Bernie Seigel (who wrote several books on cancer and recovery) calls that "survivor behavior". He's pretty famous. He wrote "Love, Medicine and Miracles" as well as several other books.
Roseann
Dont hold it in. Did your sister hear this too? You say you dont really have a relationship with your mom anyways, so tell her that let you shave her head and see if she would dare to go topless. Shave her in her sleep. Slip her a sleeping pill in juice at nite and go for it!! NO, im kidding on that. Just say look, im not going to yell, unless you want to, but you will take one second and listen to what you said to me yesterday. I am then going to leave the room and you seriously think about how those words hurt me. And if your mom says she doesnt see it that way, then she better run!!! Tell her a whole pack of warriors are hunting her down. Im just trying to make you smile. I know how hurtful that must have been. I was just wondering if you two look anything alike, thats why i said tell her to shave her head and look at the resemblense. Tell her that she could never be as brave as you and you are proud to be showing your spirit and fight for your breast cancer. Is your sister afraid to speak up for you? Mine wouldnt do it i know. I look at my kids and wonder how mothers could even be evil and say or treat there children that way. Im thankful that i found nothing but joy in mine and you stay strong and know that its her sickness, not yours. Its painful, but we cant do a darn thing about it. Definately tell her to think about what she said though!! Hang tough!! And stay proud and know you are beautiful. That evil witch!!! Hey, do you think we can find someone here to put an evil spell on all these mean moms?!! LOL! Just kidding. Seriously!
Laura0 -
jo jo
You are beautiful and do not look like a boy! You are a strong woman and I admire you for that. I think, depending on the day, I would have cried. I have a relative that says mean things, but don't realize they are hurting people. It takes all kinds to make up this world. Hugs,Jean0 -
Such Great AdviceJean 0609 said:jo jo
You are beautiful and do not look like a boy! You are a strong woman and I admire you for that. I think, depending on the day, I would have cried. I have a relative that says mean things, but don't realize they are hurting people. It takes all kinds to make up this world. Hugs,Jean
I too think your beautiful and know it is hardest on our parents having to watch and not be able to do anything to fix it. I have to ask if our hurt sometimes isn't the direct result of our expectations of others? I learned to have a relationship with my mother I had to accept her for what she truly was and know in my soul that we were not going to agree on a lot of things and believe you me we do not. But, having a relationship that has honesty as its base then she has the right to believe and say anything she wants to and boy does she. The other day said she hated my shorts because I looked like a boy in them. I just said I was glad that I didn't waste my time dressing for her and laughed. Yes they are boys shorts but I LOVE THEM and that is all that matters to me. My son buys the nicest clothes and when he gives them up he always thinks of me and guess what I am 50 now and I care even less what people think as probably your mother feels as well.
Jo Jo don't let anyone bring you down they truly do not have that power unless we actually give it up to them...
You go girl,
Tara0 -
Whatever makes you feel better
First off, you're gorgeous, and you don't look like a boy. It's an insensitive comment to be made by anyone, even if we did look like boys. Gosh don't people realize how difficult this is without being reminded that we don't look like we'd like to look, thru no choice of our own.
That being said, as others have mentioned, she just may have dealt badly with being reminded that her daughter is fighting an awful battle right now. I remember my daughter saying some things that I thought were horribly insensitive because she didn't want to deal with the reality of the situation.
I think you should do whatever makes you feel better and whatever gives you the ability to put this comment behind you. If it'll bother you to remain quiet, then DON'T. If it'll make you feel worse to confront her, then don't do that. Whatever makes it easier on you, cause unlike our families we don't have the option of "not dealing with the reality of the situation".
Keep on hangin' in there.
hugs
marge0 -
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the advise.
It was bothering me so much that i brought this up to my sister and she just took matters into her own hands and approached my mom about it. Mom said she didnt mean anything by it, it was just a statement! Well sis told her that im a little sensitive right now about my appearence so maybe shell think before she makes another insensitive remark...we will see!
This is my youngest sis (a year younger than me) and shes also my best friend ...we are really close. Shes also my body guard cuz shes alot bigger than me and tougher...i havent been able to woop her since we were little. She even calls me her rag doll cuz thats how she carries me...yes she still tries carring me and shes always picking me up and swirling me around. Well i dont know why i said all that but hopefully she set mom straight!
Laura i kinda liked your demented ideas on shaving my mom in her sleep...thats funny!
I wish we could do that to anyone that makes fun of our short hair or lack there of, just to see if they like it! Thanks for the laugh!0 -
My husband told me I look
My husband told me I look like Charlie Runkle (actor Evan Handler). He is also the guy who plays Charlotte's husband on Sex and the City. Nice to be loved.0 -
Oh Man...
if it's not one thing, it's your mother! LOL!
I have a hard to explain, complicated relationship with my mother too. So, I "get" what you're going through.
Not sure what to say. My first thought and question was have you lost a lot of weight since your diagnosis? Maybe she noticed how thin and beautiful you are and the jealousy seeped out sideways with that numbnut comment?! LOL.
My second question is that if your mother is anything like mine, bring up your "hurt" feelings won't help, but just give her another opportunity to zap you (unintentionally or not)
I don't know what to say. From my experience with my own mother over the years, I've just decided to let comments like that go and realize she's just not capable of expressing herself in an authentic way, so stuff comes out sideways. I just try to extend grace to her and let her **** comments go in one ear and out the other. It takes a little work, but over the years, I've FINALLY gotten to the place where my mom just doesn't have the power over me to affect me negatively anymore. ANd if she says something that REALLY ticks me off, I will just tell her how rude she is or how unkind she's being and that usually shuts her up temporarily!! LOL.
Good luck. I know many mother/daughter relationships are complicated and just down right messed up! Mine included!:)
Sally0
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