People whom you thought were your friends...
Screw em..... yeah I said it.
Love Ronda
Comments
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Ronda, in the words of Tom
Ronda, in the words of Tom Jones..."It's Not Unusual..."
I don't know if you ever saw my post called Welcome To Hogwarts, but it discusses this very issue. If you type it into the Search on the right hand top of the BC boards page, it should come up for you!
Hugs,
Chen0 -
hmmm I must've missed it Claudiachenheart said:Ronda, in the words of Tom
Ronda, in the words of Tom Jones..."It's Not Unusual..."
I don't know if you ever saw my post called Welcome To Hogwarts, but it discusses this very issue. If you type it into the Search on the right hand top of the BC boards page, it should come up for you!
Hugs,
Chen
I'll try and find it and read it. Thanks, seems even my own family is forgetting all about me. Oh well................life is so unfair and sometimes I feel so all alone too.
Thanks again Chenheart, Love Ronda0 -
I bumped the thread up for2Floridiansisters said:hmmm I must've missed it Claudia
I'll try and find it and read it. Thanks, seems even my own family is forgetting all about me. Oh well................life is so unfair and sometimes I feel so all alone too.
Thanks again Chenheart, Love Ronda
I bumped the thread up for you...hope it helps!0 -
Oh, I know what you meanchenheart said:I bumped the thread up for
I bumped the thread up for you...hope it helps!
There are those that "do" illness and those that don't. I decided those that don't, well, that's their problem. I let them be, but I'm human and it's duly noted. We're friends, but I feel a step or two removed. It's that old adage: Take what you like and leave the rest.
Try not to get too hurt, Ronda. It's not you.
xo,
Victoria0 -
Friends vs. Family
My mother always said "You can pick your friends but not your family!" I have the bestest friends I could ever ask for, though far and few. My family, though large, can not be counted on for even the time of day. I lost one of my bestest friends in January and miss her immensely. She was there when I needed help, my sister who lived just a close was never available. My other bestest friend dropped everything to come and help me the first week home from the hospital, more for my husband's security. My other best friend was in the hospital waiting for me to come to. I still see her standing in a corner in my hospital room peaking out from behind a plant. Not one of my family was anywhere to be seen. So as my mother always said, "Choose your friends wisely." I feel I have. Hope things get better for you. Life is too short to worry.0 -
I have great friends whoScotch Freckles said:Friends vs. Family
My mother always said "You can pick your friends but not your family!" I have the bestest friends I could ever ask for, though far and few. My family, though large, can not be counted on for even the time of day. I lost one of my bestest friends in January and miss her immensely. She was there when I needed help, my sister who lived just a close was never available. My other bestest friend dropped everything to come and help me the first week home from the hospital, more for my husband's security. My other best friend was in the hospital waiting for me to come to. I still see her standing in a corner in my hospital room peaking out from behind a plant. Not one of my family was anywhere to be seen. So as my mother always said, "Choose your friends wisely." I feel I have. Hope things get better for you. Life is too short to worry.
I have great friends who really came through and a couple who were "nowhere" I try to focus on the ones who were there. but I cant say it doesnt hurt as one was my BF since I was 16. There are so many reasons why people do what they do, i just dont care anymore. I have just tried to learn from it, and remember to take that extra step no matter how small.0 -
It hurts
I work in a large corporation where word spreads through the grapevine faster than you can finish your sentence. My closest friends remained by my side but there were a few who for whatever reason, avoided me. A few times they literally walked the other way when they saw me coming, boy that stung.
But, I felt that these few feared what to tell me, what to say. Perhaps they just avoided it altogether for the sake of not wanting to be placed in an awkward situation or cancer is just so horrible they cannot deal with it.
Those few times I felt that sting of avoidance taught me a valuable lesson in empathy. It made me think about what it must have felt like to be shunned by the public because you weren't the right color, race, or were afflicted with AIDS...etc...
But you know what? We're the ones that walk away with a deeper sense of respect for one another.
So shake it off Sista cuz it ain't YOUR problem
Love ya!0 -
Ronda, I am also bumping up2Floridiansisters said:hmmm I must've missed it Claudia
I'll try and find it and read it. Thanks, seems even my own family is forgetting all about me. Oh well................life is so unfair and sometimes I feel so all alone too.
Thanks again Chenheart, Love Ronda
Ronda, I am also bumping up GRRRRRRRRRR. It is a post that I started when I was having trouble with some friends. I figured out a solution and it really helped me. I hope maybe, something in it might help you. Everyone here helped me with their thoughts and replies.
Hugs, Megan0 -
And on the brighter sidesea60 said:It hurts
I work in a large corporation where word spreads through the grapevine faster than you can finish your sentence. My closest friends remained by my side but there were a few who for whatever reason, avoided me. A few times they literally walked the other way when they saw me coming, boy that stung.
But, I felt that these few feared what to tell me, what to say. Perhaps they just avoided it altogether for the sake of not wanting to be placed in an awkward situation or cancer is just so horrible they cannot deal with it.
Those few times I felt that sting of avoidance taught me a valuable lesson in empathy. It made me think about what it must have felt like to be shunned by the public because you weren't the right color, race, or were afflicted with AIDS...etc...
But you know what? We're the ones that walk away with a deeper sense of respect for one another.
So shake it off Sista cuz it ain't YOUR problem
Love ya!
some people surprise you. I haven't lived here in AZ for that long and was usually too busy
doing anything but work and school. Ironically I had just decided to give school a rest so
I can have a social life when cancer cam'a knocking!
I found that people stay at a safe distance. Visits turned to emails, calls turned texts but they
are still wondering about me. But in the end it makes me wonder if it isn't for their own bad
conscious that they stay in touch with me.
HOWEVER I had some amazing surprises, many were from my good friends from the east
coast. flower, turkish tea, scarves - if it fit in a box they mailed it to me
And a friend from work was really amazing, after my lumpectomy she took care of me.
So just now, this guy I had met a few weeks before I got diagnosed insisted on picking me up
from the hospital on Tuesday. He had disappeared for a little while but he's back now.
And we're just friends but I truly enjoy conversations with him, he's smart.
You know how it makes me feel when people distance themselves from me? It makes feel
special. Because I have done more for a friend who just had a flu and I know I would NEVER
ignore anyone who was in my position.
Ronda, when you feel alone, do as I do come here I will talk to you anytime!!
Ayse0 -
I'm not so sure...
I had a huge out pouring of people..co-workers, friends, and even moms of my daughter's friends. The neighbors rallied. I emailed about a half dozen people after my diagnosis because I knew they had each been personally touched by cancer in their own families and would be upset had I not told them.
I tried to keep people updated after each chemo, I think I grew a little weary that I might be whining too much, although I tried to punctuate each email with a theme, keep them upbeat as to what I had learned with each round, and include some humor. I don't know about anyone else, but frankly, I hate Christmas newsletters and the story of my cancer was not as interesting as someone's high school graduation, vacation to Cabo, or the first lost tooth of a grandchild. I was afraid I was becoming tedious and boring my audience. Was I becoming the newsletters that I despised?
My co-workers saw me daily and encouraged me when I sat at lunch not tasting a blasted thing, again humor was my best friend.
Nonetheless, I think my most poignant work related moment was when an older gentleman, a substitute just for the day, looked directly at me, Lord knows I was avoiding interacting like the plague, and asked "How long have you been fighting?" I wasn't sure what he meant for a moment and then I realized my head covering betrayed me.
Anyway, for me, no one has drifted away, I'm certain that if I needed a ride, a meal, or just a shoulder I would have at least a dozen people respond to an email within the evening.
To be honest, I know some people simply don't know what to say to comfort others. Our illness frightens others and they feel impotent. Real friends will always love us and be there, but they can't be expected to read our minds. One gift we can share with others, and this is a lesson that the Lord has tried to show me more than once in this life, drop the stubborn self-sufficient pride and allow others to help me, but humbling myself and asking is the first step. Too, I have had several encounters with well-meaning individuals that really should have thought about what they wanted to say before they said it because it came across as thoughtless and anything but encouraging. The best being, "I would feel like less of a woman if I were missing a breast." Yes, that woman simply should have STFU to use a text abbreviation.
As for the screw 'em business, I appreciate your position, but I'll stay with my tried and true...joke 'em if they can't take the....well, I think you get the idea.
Hang in there, Ronda0 -
FRIENDSI'm not so sure...
I had a huge out pouring of people..co-workers, friends, and even moms of my daughter's friends. The neighbors rallied. I emailed about a half dozen people after my diagnosis because I knew they had each been personally touched by cancer in their own families and would be upset had I not told them.
I tried to keep people updated after each chemo, I think I grew a little weary that I might be whining too much, although I tried to punctuate each email with a theme, keep them upbeat as to what I had learned with each round, and include some humor. I don't know about anyone else, but frankly, I hate Christmas newsletters and the story of my cancer was not as interesting as someone's high school graduation, vacation to Cabo, or the first lost tooth of a grandchild. I was afraid I was becoming tedious and boring my audience. Was I becoming the newsletters that I despised?
My co-workers saw me daily and encouraged me when I sat at lunch not tasting a blasted thing, again humor was my best friend.
Nonetheless, I think my most poignant work related moment was when an older gentleman, a substitute just for the day, looked directly at me, Lord knows I was avoiding interacting like the plague, and asked "How long have you been fighting?" I wasn't sure what he meant for a moment and then I realized my head covering betrayed me.
Anyway, for me, no one has drifted away, I'm certain that if I needed a ride, a meal, or just a shoulder I would have at least a dozen people respond to an email within the evening.
To be honest, I know some people simply don't know what to say to comfort others. Our illness frightens others and they feel impotent. Real friends will always love us and be there, but they can't be expected to read our minds. One gift we can share with others, and this is a lesson that the Lord has tried to show me more than once in this life, drop the stubborn self-sufficient pride and allow others to help me, but humbling myself and asking is the first step. Too, I have had several encounters with well-meaning individuals that really should have thought about what they wanted to say before they said it because it came across as thoughtless and anything but encouraging. The best being, "I would feel like less of a woman if I were missing a breast." Yes, that woman simply should have STFU to use a text abbreviation.
As for the screw 'em business, I appreciate your position, but I'll stay with my tried and true...joke 'em if they can't take the....well, I think you get the idea.
Hang in there, Ronda
I believe those friends who become a little more distant do this out of fear. Just the word "cancer" is scary. They're afraid FOR us. They're afraid they'll say or do the "wrong thing". Perhaps we're the ones who need to try harder to reach out to them. MM0 -
My grandfather's mom told my grandmother....Marsha Mulvey said:FRIENDS
I believe those friends who become a little more distant do this out of fear. Just the word "cancer" is scary. They're afraid FOR us. They're afraid they'll say or do the "wrong thing". Perhaps we're the ones who need to try harder to reach out to them. MM
after he had been dx'ed with colon cancer....
"Well, YOU must have given it to him...no one in OUR family has it!!!"
That was a long time ago, but some of the thoughts still ring true...
I think that if you are not involved with cancer, there is not alot of info...
Hugs, Kathi0 -
yeah, i have that problem...
Now that I'm done with everything, it's really been hitting me the last few weeks how peeved I am at some of my "good friends". Pardon the expression but "good friends", my butt! A lot of my supposedly closest friends didn't even bother to call or send a card the entire time. I'm not one to sever relationships, but I'm going to be a lot more careful about what I put into some of them. The old adage, "you give what you get", didn't seem to play out when I was on the recieving end, so now that I'm back on the giving end again I'm not sure I'll try quite so hard with some of those folks. But I know now which folks *are* truly my close friends and who really is there through thick and then. *These* are the folks I will put more more effort into from now on. I even found out I have awesome friends who I didn't even realize cared about me this much. Specifically, a number of folks I work with - realized we're not just workmates, they really consider me a "friend" and would do just about anything for me. So, I'm rewriting my "close friend" list, and this time I know the true order of it.0 -
Some people will shy awayEmilyfimily said:yeah, i have that problem...
Now that I'm done with everything, it's really been hitting me the last few weeks how peeved I am at some of my "good friends". Pardon the expression but "good friends", my butt! A lot of my supposedly closest friends didn't even bother to call or send a card the entire time. I'm not one to sever relationships, but I'm going to be a lot more careful about what I put into some of them. The old adage, "you give what you get", didn't seem to play out when I was on the recieving end, so now that I'm back on the giving end again I'm not sure I'll try quite so hard with some of those folks. But I know now which folks *are* truly my close friends and who really is there through thick and then. *These* are the folks I will put more more effort into from now on. I even found out I have awesome friends who I didn't even realize cared about me this much. Specifically, a number of folks I work with - realized we're not just workmates, they really consider me a "friend" and would do just about anything for me. So, I'm rewriting my "close friend" list, and this time I know the true order of it.
Some people will shy away from you because they just don't know what to say and do for you. Others have their own demons that they are fighting, and are too tied up in their lives to think about someone else. Others don't want to seem nosy and think that they are protecting your privacy. Some just can't deal with illnesses, either theirs or someone else's.
Most of them would never do anything knowingly to hurt you, but they have.
I've also been so surprised by people who did things that really uplifted me. Many of them were more acquaintances than friends, but their acts of kindness made my day. I hope you have a lot of these surprises, too.
I found that the best thing to put people at ease was to keep my sense of humor. And, it helped me to find something humorous when all I wanted to do was cry.
Joyce0 -
expecting too much
I was dx in Feb...started the chemo trail, surgery, and more chemo in March. Since my 'work' was out of country, and over for the 'season'...I did not have to go to an office and chose to only have my husband and grown son informed of my dx. We did not even tell my Mom for fear of how upsetting this would be for her at 96 yrs old. So, I have not told any of our friends.......they all assume we are out on the boat doing our usual summer get-a-way. I go to doctors visits and food store only.......... Over 4th holiday we went to a small town, but received an email from a friend visiting from Egypt who wanted to get together for dinner. So I donned the wig (which I never wear)...but I did not wish to burden my friend with sad news of me....what purpose other than to make him sad and put him on the spot. I wanted the dinner and time to be fun and positive...I wanted to tell him because we have been so close over the years, worked together for many years, etc....but I realized it would only sadden him and he cannot change what is happening to me. I am getting through all of this with my husband, and just do not want to burden any one else with news that is not positive. Guess I am saying we all face this our own way....to me it is a bit more private as long as I can keep it that way. By the fall all our friends will expect us to be back in town, off the boat, and expect to see me in Mexico....so I will then have to come up with something I guess..........but by then maybe the news will be NED !!!! I would much rather send out a positive note and wish them all well also.0 -
My two cents worth
I hear you all, I really do, but I feel a little differently. When I run into someone who hasn't called and they get flustered and stammer an apology for not checking on me, I say, well I have a telephone too and I could have called you, we're all busy, aren't we. There's nothing to "forgive."
Everyone's situation is different, of course, and I realize that some friends may truly have abandoned you -- yes, screw them. But I don't feel people have turned away from me, particularly. They don't know what to say or they think I'm too "sick" right now or they're embroiled in their own lives.
I feel like the ball is in my court and I should/can contact them. I don't want to lose any friends over this. Maybe it's because I'm fine with the handful of support people I have currently and I like to be alone a lot anyway.0 -
Some people just don't know what to doChristine Louise said:My two cents worth
I hear you all, I really do, but I feel a little differently. When I run into someone who hasn't called and they get flustered and stammer an apology for not checking on me, I say, well I have a telephone too and I could have called you, we're all busy, aren't we. There's nothing to "forgive."
Everyone's situation is different, of course, and I realize that some friends may truly have abandoned you -- yes, screw them. But I don't feel people have turned away from me, particularly. They don't know what to say or they think I'm too "sick" right now or they're embroiled in their own lives.
I feel like the ball is in my court and I should/can contact them. I don't want to lose any friends over this. Maybe it's because I'm fine with the handful of support people I have currently and I like to be alone a lot anyway.
When I first received my diagnoses (breast and uterine cancers) I was really angry and disappointed in some of my friends (and family). I don't have a clue what I expected from them, but I've finally concluded that people don't know what to do unless they've experienced something similar. This is particularly true I've found with younger friends/family members. Most don't have a clue what to do or say, so they avoid doing anything. I've done such a good job of telling my own children (adults) that I'm absolutely fine and don't need anything that they've believed me! They think I'm a rock (not). I asked our oldest son to please come sit with his dad when I had my hysterectomy last week. He was more than happy to do it and both he and his wife dropped their lives and came without hesitation. They would not have thought about it on their own. Sometimes we just have to reach out.
I've learned a lot in the few months I've dealt with my cancers. I've never been sick before and was one of the "call if you need anything" type of friend. I've learned that receiving a card in the mail from someone I'd never dreamed would send one has been really uplifting. I now have a stash of cards to send should I have an occasion to send one to someone. I also know that most people who say "let me know if you need anything" actually mean it, but it's up to me to let them know what I need. I will be calling on some friends to drive me to radiation if I need the transportation. They're on standby and more than willing to help. It will be nice to spend the time with them.
I have a dear, long time friend who is in the final stages of brain cancer. I honestly don't know what to do or say to her anymore and a big part of me just wants to pretend this isn't happening and avoid her. I now know if it were me, I would not appreciate feeling abandoned. So I visit and call when I can deal with it (she lives an hour away). I hope I'll see her again soon.
It's just hard to know what motivates others.
Suzanne0 -
sad, but true
I have seemed to experience the distance mostly at work. I feel like I am a definite outcast now, and very few people even talk to me anymore. I hate to even go there. This disease is quite a battle and it has changed me in many ways. Maybe I am the distant one, who knows. My family ( sister and her grown children) "left" me at the diagnosis. So, I cherish my best friends, my two daughters, and my longtime guy friend. They have stuck by me like glue.0 -
We had just moved to a new
We had just moved to a new state 5 months before diagnosis. A lot of people sent cards and a few phoned. Whatever they were comfortable with was ok with me. Two sisters came out to help at different times. Family gave me gift cards to restaurants. Life is busy for most people so I didn't expect much.0 -
The people that I least expected
Like Ayse mentioned, for me it was the people around me that I least expected to be there for me. One of my former co-workers has passed by my house several times, to take me out to dinner and cheer me up when I am down, and we were not very close in the work environment, she is like a niece to me now, and we rely on each other for advise. On the other hand, my sisters have distanced themselves to a point where I barely hear from them, and my brother has not even passed by to visit since my diagnosis several months ago. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really related to them.
I remember the day that I was discharged from the hospital after my mastectomy, I ended up in the ER that night with really bad side effects from one of the pain killers that I took. My father called my sister up to tell her, and I guess she felt obligated to go see me in the ER. When she walked in to the examining room, she gave me this nasty look like I was intruding on her valuable time. No Hug, No empathy, No "I love you", No "How are you feeling?", instead I got a cold glance. So, from that day on, I learned never to rely on my siblings.
My father has been the only person that has taken me to my medical appointments and all of my surgeries, and what is even more heart breaking for me is that he has a lousy job where they are letting go a lot of the employees because business is not doing well, but he takes the risk and takes the time out of work to make sure that I get to my medical appointments.
Some days I am so angry at the relatives and friends that pretend or want to believe that I no longer exist, just to tell them how I feel and to tell them that I would have never done that to them if the "Shoe were on the other foot"... but I strongly feel that things happen for a reason and this has been the ultimate learning experience for me. It has made me so much stronger and motivated for life...I want to come back stronger and healthier from this one, and then I'm going to prove to all those selfish idiots that I did just fine without them.
Keep telling yourself that you did absolutely nothing wrong, and there will certainly come a time in their journey through life when they will need a good friend to guide and support them, and that's when you will be there for them and prove to them that you are a selfless human being!
I wish you all the best on this journey!0
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