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Stupid comments from people

panks
Posts: 36
Joined: Feb 2010

I think I have just gotten the most stupid comment ever said to someone who has just lost the love of their life. I was told by a man " let me know when you are done grieving I would like to ask you out on a date"

Panks

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey Panks
Sorry you had to get such a stupid comment. Like I am sure you are going to want him for a date! What was your response? I have been lucky enough to not have gotten any stupid comments concerning my dad's passing. But...my mom has a couple of guys sniffing around. Oh no you don't!!! Why are some men so darn dumb? Hope all else is going well. Hugs to you.
Tina

panks
Posts: 36
Joined: Feb 2010

Thank you for the compliment but insensitive people arent my type.

lbinmsp's picture
lbinmsp
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2006

WHAT a stone cold jerk! Write his name on a piece of paper - throw it in the toilet and FLUSH! Then take care of you -

MRapp226's picture
MRapp226
Posts: 52
Joined: Sep 2010

My mom just lost her soulmate (my dad - one of my best friends) on August 29th and someone said to her, "You're young... You will find someone else." WTF!! Are you kidding me right now?? People are so stupid sometimes. The other thing that people say is, "You need to move on" or "Are you depressed?" Geez... What do you think???

-Melissa

wifflefrog
Posts: 32
Joined: Sep 2010

People just don't understand. I mean I get that stuff all the time, luckily my husband is still fighting, but still its annoying to hear their comments.
Like why don't you take a night out, go vacation, enjoy a dinner out especially when going for treatment and the kids are at home. Really chemotherapy in the morning and puking most of the time, not really a recipe for fancing dining.

doura
Posts: 5
Joined: May 2011

hey i know exactly how u feel
my mom is stage 4 colon cancer w no more cure could be done so we r realy in bad condition where we went twice to the hospital in the last 2 weeks
anyway people call me to offer help or say we r praying
but i got once 'don't cry u must be strong just take care of her & pray'
r u kidding me don't cry????but what can i say they r not in my situation so they don't feel anything
take care & try to ignore these comments u already have a lot of negative energy surrounding u

Wangari
Posts: 19
Joined: Apr 2011

For me that's the absolute worst. "Don't cry" what do they know about how I feel? I took time off work after my mum passed away and someone had the nerve to say " its been 2weeks since you buried her, you need the extra time to do what?" Argh, I didn't even bother replying. I just went home.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I don't check this board often. The Grief and Bereavement board gets more activity. I found that even the sensitive remarks got to me at times. Sometimes just a hug or how are you is enough. We really don't know what to say. I'm sorry for your loss seems so inadequate, and I got tired of hearing it. It is what I end up saying, though. I hope you are finding ways to grieve your mom. It is a process, and we never really stop missing our loved one. Take care, Fay

Leyla_SZ's picture
Leyla_SZ
Posts: 5
Joined: Oct 2011

Wow, that is insane. I just found yesterday out my mom will not make it till New Year's, and a guy I dated a while back asked "So I take it you want to move our trip to next month? Or early Dec? Or you know what, you tell me when you are ready. Thanks!" Are you f*$%ing kidding me!?

Just be happy that moron showed you his true colors now before you wasted any real time on him.

magadee
Posts: 12
Joined: Nov 2011

what do you say to the people trying to be helpful? I lost Butch 11/11/11 I get comments about the date,like yes that was the first thing to come to mind. The one that really struck me was "you know such a great guy loved you so something about will attract another great guy."

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi,
I don't know if people don't know what to say or what but they do make dumb comments. Even my own sister asked me 2 weeks after my husband died "How long are you gonna cry?" Excuse me? No one know until they go through losing their loved one who has been their whole life how it feels. My husband & I had been married 46 years & we were supposed to enjoy retirement together. Now I'm alone & it sucks. So please, just keep coming on this site you'll get all the support you need. We have to be strong!! "Carole"

MomhasStage4EC's picture
MomhasStage4EC
Posts: 39
Joined: Jul 2011

Some people are just ignorant....serously. Im very sorry for your loss. Tell that person to go fly a kite.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

Sorry you had to endure that but on the day my mom died I got one comment that may rival that one. This was last Wed morning Dec 14th. I'd just dealt with watching my sweet mother struggle for her last breaths and then in a snap she was gone at 1:48 am. All the waves of emotions are hitting. You have to go through the entire process of contacting hospice then the mortuary and removal of the body. It was horrific to say the least. After all that I decided to get out of the house and go get some pepsi ( my form of coffee ) and so Off I go feeling like complete jelly to the corner store. All the workers there knew my mom had been sick and I was taking care of her. In a way I didn't want to go there because I knew the first question as always was going to be .. How is mom doing? Well that happened. I told them she passed that morning and his response? Are you ready for this one?

He said... To bad she didn't wait til after Christmas. I'm not kidding you. I stood there thinking I'd heard him wrong and I said.. excuse me? His buddy mumbled something to him in Punjabi and he hung his head real low and said he was sorry for the loss. whatever his friend said really embarrassed him. I'm glad. It had to be the single stupidest thing anyone could ever say to me at that point.

cindysuetoyou's picture
cindysuetoyou
Posts: 508
Joined: Dec 2009

That is incredible. Cannot believe that someone could seriously be that dumb. I'm so sorry you had to hear that.

My worst comment recieved....from my husband. He loves me and he loved our son David totally, with all of his heart. But after walking in on me unexpectedly and seeing me crying my head off, he said that I needed to "move on." Move on from the death of our son?!?!?!?!? I think it hurt even worse because it came from my husband, David's father. He's usually not an insensitive clod. He did apologize many times afterwards and said it was the wrong choice of words. He meant that I needed to try to get my life together. That didn't really help either. I told him he'd better brace himself because I was NEVER going to "move on" from the death of David. 

I love my husband but sometimes I have some bitter feelings towards him. I've heard that losing a child can destroy a marriage. I guess I need to be careful. After all we have been through together, it would be a shame to call it quits after 35+ years. Right?

Cindy in Salem, OR

jen2012
Posts: 1188
Joined: Aug 2012

Cindy...im sorry for the loss of your son. It has to be the hardest thing in the world. Im sure your husband just wants you to be okay. Its really hard to know what to say and do but im sure hes hurting too and worried about you. Hugs and sympathy!

Mark.crowson's picture
Mark.crowson
Posts: 2
Joined: May 2013

Be kind to your husband.  He lost a child, too.  You and he are lucky to have each other -- please don't punish him for a poor choice of words and add more feelings of guilt to the anguish he's already feeling.  I hope the two of you will lean on each other and when needed, each carry the other thru the hard times ahead.

elpasorudy's picture
elpasorudy
Posts: 78
Joined: Jan 2013

My wife died June 1 from an aggressive uterine cancer. Two weeks before she died, during her final visit with oncologist, my wife told her nurse that she felt "80 percent dead" due to ill effects of treatment and the disease. Instead of expressing compassion, the nurse replied: "We told you the cancer was coming back. You were fortunate to have nearly five years." Some people should not be in the medical profession. I miss Mary Ann dearly, but I am happy that she is no longer suffering. I have traditional Christian beliefs, but I grow weary of people telling me that Mary Ann is in a better place. Saying "I'm so sorry for your loss" is enough.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

First, I am sorry for your loss. Having lost my husband of 42 years about three and a half years ago, i have some idea of what you are going through. I think we often feel that I'm sorry for your loss just isn't enough, and i even got tired of hearing that. I haven't come up with anything better though. It's not just people in the medical profession who make stupid remarks either. I had a hard time believing how stupid some of the remarks were. I had a waitress bawl me out for not telling her about my husband's memorial service so she could have attended. I had a friend call the day after he passed away ask, "Is Doug dead. " He had gotten a call from someone and thought it might have been a practical joke. The list could go on, and I think the very fact that this thread keeps reappearing shows how common stupid remarks are. I tried to let them go. The last few months of my husband's life, he often admonished me to "let it go", because there are so many more important things in life. That is a phrase I try to live now. Shake our heads, laugh about the really stupid remark, and remember what's important. And yes, I am able to laugh at most of those now. I can't change others, but I can change how I react to them. Take care. I know that this time is very hard. Time has helped me. I still miss him every day, but I am moving forward. Time has dulled the pain. Fay

elpasorudy's picture
elpasorudy
Posts: 78
Joined: Jan 2013

I don't take the insensitive remarks personally and use them as teaching moments when appropriate. I worked for hospice as a social worker for 12 years and many people just don't know what to say to a dying person. I encourage folks to show empathy, express their regrets and be a good listener.

 

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