I'm Sorry
For instance: We are going through this pathology fiasco where the initial pathology said ER+ and after surgery says triple neg., so last night my wife asked me if I could think of any questions for the surgeon. I said to ask if they had originally had thought the cancer was triple -, would they have still recommended a lumpectamy? And I knew as soon as I said it that I shouldn't have.
Anyway, for all men I am saying we are sorry, and if I post something that comes out the wrong way, I am sorry ahead of time for that too.
Comments
-
No need to
No need to apologize--everyone is doing the best they can. I think you're question is a good one and should be asked. My surgeon told me that the survival rate is the same for lumectomy with radiation or mastectomy. I went with the lumectomy. I'm triple+. Time will tell for all of us if we made the right decision but I refuse to play the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" game. Good luck with the surgeon.0 -
Hubby, absolutely no need to
Hubby, absolutely no need to apologize. We all get through this the best way we know. You wouldn't be the first one to say something that may be construed as offensive. If you would like a laugh read the thread on stupid things people say. It's hysterical and statements made by males as well as females. I'm happy for your wife that you take this seriously and are doing your best to support her. That says a lot to me about you as a person. So, continue to post and we'll be sure to tell you if we find anything offensive.0 -
Awwwww
I actually find that very endearing...at least you realize that the communication styles can differ so you are on the lookout for it. My husband, love him dearly, has always been a bit of a smarta....and sometimes has a hard time filtering. In most situations, it's one of the things I love most because I tend towards the "too serious" side.
One night we were talking about my decision to have a double mastectomy and upcoming surgery. It was a decision that we made together and was just the "accepted" at that point. He was watching TV and not thinking really hard and said, "Look at it this way, you won't be dropping any more food on your chest - think of all the money you'll save on shirts." Thankfully it was a good night and after the shock passed, I had to laugh and then ask what the difference was if it landed on my chest vs. my belly.
I know he felt bad and I thought my daughter was never going to let him live it down but the love and support that he has shown has more than made up for a brief slip of the male tongue. You may not always say the right thing but you have to remember that our perception is often jaded by whatever we are going through at the moment and your love and support in the long run will win out!
Chris0 -
My husband of 40 years askedgreyhoundluvr said:Awwwww
I actually find that very endearing...at least you realize that the communication styles can differ so you are on the lookout for it. My husband, love him dearly, has always been a bit of a smarta....and sometimes has a hard time filtering. In most situations, it's one of the things I love most because I tend towards the "too serious" side.
One night we were talking about my decision to have a double mastectomy and upcoming surgery. It was a decision that we made together and was just the "accepted" at that point. He was watching TV and not thinking really hard and said, "Look at it this way, you won't be dropping any more food on your chest - think of all the money you'll save on shirts." Thankfully it was a good night and after the shock passed, I had to laugh and then ask what the difference was if it landed on my chest vs. my belly.
I know he felt bad and I thought my daughter was never going to let him live it down but the love and support that he has shown has more than made up for a brief slip of the male tongue. You may not always say the right thing but you have to remember that our perception is often jaded by whatever we are going through at the moment and your love and support in the long run will win out!
Chris
My husband of 40 years asked if my bilaterals were considered major surgery... I knew that it was the outpatient status that was confusing him. His surgeries always ended up in ICU! and medical terms do confuse him.... he once said his autopsy came out clean! hmmm, biopsy perhaps???
He has cooked, pumped gas, done the grocery shopping, taken out the garbage, hauled kids and grandkids everywhere for years.... so I couldn't get too upset at his question.. I am so spoiled in all ways! - I did explain though that it was Major!
He had a stroke on April 23 but is doing fine and just keeps on spoiling me. He is back to shopping and cooking again.
He does make those off the wall jokes also... and, greyhoundluvr, you are right, it does matter what else has happened and how tired I am if I laugh or give him The Look! lol
Love him dearly.
Thanks for sharing Hubby and keep up the support.0 -
Very sweet
of you to say that, but as others have said, no apology is necessary.
I know that it isn't easy to be on either side of this. For the women going through it, we sometimes (often?) wish others could just understand how we feel, but we know that even we didn't fully understand until we became members of the Club Nobody Wants to Belong to. For the husbands and other loved ones, I'm sure there's a feeling of helplessness and frustration that those of us in the "Club" can't fully understand either.
Your good intentions come through in your posts. Just keep trying, and you will make it through this together. And your wife will be grateful for you being there, even if she's too wrapped up in her own sorrows and fears to tell you that.
Take care,
Cindy0 -
Apology gratefully accepted,
Apology gratefully accepted, but not necessary! It is nice to be around some stand-up men, I must say! And with an apology in hand, that puts you in that category!
I have often said on these boards that "Men Fix and Women Nurture"~it is a generalization of course, but I am pretty sure you can relate to the sentiment. It doesn't mean that one gender is right and the other wrong, just that we are indeed different, and our hearts/minds don't always mesh, do they? We all stumble along as best as we can, and hopefully come out at the other end of Lifes Dramas and Traumas with our relationships in tact and sometimes even stronger.
So, bless your heart for taking the time to post~ you're a good man!
Chen♥0 -
You are a Gem!
No apologies necessary on this board. I think all us women are impressed that you are so concerned and supportive of your wife. I know my husband has been by my side thru the whole thing but I know that there is no possible way he can understand nor can he ever. He most likely saw it as a problem that he needed to "fix" and that's not going to happen. I'm sure living with me the past two years has been like going thru a mine field for him. My moods can change from one hour to the next! All you can do is continue the support and love and she will know that you are doing all you can for her. Just standing by her during this time is enough.
Hugs to you and your wife.0 -
no need
No need to apologize. You get lots of points for caring and trying so hard. I mentioned a book on another post. In case you didn't see it I'll say it again. My husband found "Breast Cancer Husband" (how to help your wife and yourself through diagnosis, treatment and beyond) by Marc Silver to be particularly helpful. He said it "saved him" from saying or doing the wrong thing several times. He was amazing during that terrible time and credits that book for some of that.
My husband had some questions that didn't matter to me or that I didn't really want to think or talk about. I told him to ask them himself because we were in it together. I came to the realization very quickly that cancer had happened to us---it wasn't just happening to me. I think from your posts that you two are in the same place. You will find your way together.
Hugs to both of you, El0 -
We are so lucky
We are so lucky to have supportive husbands, boyfriends, family, friends and loved ones. Hubby your caring and support shines through in your posts. Your wife may not show it at this time because of all that is happening in her life, but in her heart she knows you are there for her. I was very sensitive while I was trying to decide between mastectomy vs lumpectomy, and you have the conflicting triple negative on top of that.
Please keep posting and don't be afraid to say anything wrong! Some of the best laughs I have gotten is from my Hubby's slip of the tongue. I would say of all men, you are one of the good one's and definately a keeper!
- Carrie0 -
Thanks For the Support
I will look for the "Breast Cancer Husband" book; and it is true that I want to fix it. I originally posted because I can't believe what some men say to their wives:"All you ever talk about is cancer"; "get over it";"I can't take it anymore".
The truth is that fighting cancer and holding my wife together is now my number one focus every day of my life. Someday (however long it takes)it won't be #1 every day, but it will be always be there.
So what I tell my wife is: Don't worry about me, I can get through this, and I will get you through this.0 -
You are so special!Hubby said:Thanks For the Support
I will look for the "Breast Cancer Husband" book; and it is true that I want to fix it. I originally posted because I can't believe what some men say to their wives:"All you ever talk about is cancer"; "get over it";"I can't take it anymore".
The truth is that fighting cancer and holding my wife together is now my number one focus every day of my life. Someday (however long it takes)it won't be #1 every day, but it will be always be there.
So what I tell my wife is: Don't worry about me, I can get through this, and I will get you through this.
You remind me of my husband of 31 years! He wants to fix it too but totally gets that he can't and that cancer is just not happening to me but to "us". I am through treatment now (get my port out tomorrow) and he was just unbelievably supportive. My only small issue is that he sometimes thinks that because I'm done with treatment that I should be my ol' self again. Well, as many of the women here will tell you, there is no more "ol' self" again. We are forever changed by this diagnosis and will carry it with us forever.
You never need to apologize...just by you posting your sincerity, compassion and love shine through.
God bless you and your lucky wife!
Patti0 -
its just great that you'repattimc said:You are so special!
You remind me of my husband of 31 years! He wants to fix it too but totally gets that he can't and that cancer is just not happening to me but to "us". I am through treatment now (get my port out tomorrow) and he was just unbelievably supportive. My only small issue is that he sometimes thinks that because I'm done with treatment that I should be my ol' self again. Well, as many of the women here will tell you, there is no more "ol' self" again. We are forever changed by this diagnosis and will carry it with us forever.
You never need to apologize...just by you posting your sincerity, compassion and love shine through.
God bless you and your lucky wife!
Patti
its just great that you're here supporting your wife hubby! We all put our foot in it at some point and i'm real bad at it! its not until you've said something that you think..."ohh nooo..." lol
you and your wife will get through this together.
warm hugs and prayers for you both.0 -
Not sure what to say RE: this post
This is my second time around to fight breast cancer so maybe I am more sensative than most men, and like you...appalled at some of the comments posters said thier husbands have made. I have seen posts about wifes comments and attitudes, family, friends, etc as well.
As one poster in this thread stated we all put are foot in it at times. Even women going thru this have made some comments that made me bite my tounge. One lady undergoing treatment at the chemo treatment center (wife went to check things out and meet the nurses) told my wife "at least you will get a free tummy tuck and not have to worry about losing all your weight" (wife is on the thicker side)....so it comes from all side.
The first thing I did was to let her know and as it has always been, that I will stand behind her on the decisions she has to make about her treatments and her body, I will stand next to her hand in hand, fingers interlocked tightly and walk down this road to beat this nasty disease, I will stand in front of her when she needs to be protected. That my responsibility as her husband, 50-50 partner, best friend, and a man.
Unfortunatly, not all family members will do the same.
Sorry for the vent, but the insensative jerks who refuse to step up to the plate and take responsibility tick me off to no end.
Greg
***Gregie is now stepping off soapbox and slowly backing away from the microphone***0 -
LOL well said Greg and veryGregStahl said:Not sure what to say RE: this post
This is my second time around to fight breast cancer so maybe I am more sensative than most men, and like you...appalled at some of the comments posters said thier husbands have made. I have seen posts about wifes comments and attitudes, family, friends, etc as well.
As one poster in this thread stated we all put are foot in it at times. Even women going thru this have made some comments that made me bite my tounge. One lady undergoing treatment at the chemo treatment center (wife went to check things out and meet the nurses) told my wife "at least you will get a free tummy tuck and not have to worry about losing all your weight" (wife is on the thicker side)....so it comes from all side.
The first thing I did was to let her know and as it has always been, that I will stand behind her on the decisions she has to make about her treatments and her body, I will stand next to her hand in hand, fingers interlocked tightly and walk down this road to beat this nasty disease, I will stand in front of her when she needs to be protected. That my responsibility as her husband, 50-50 partner, best friend, and a man.
Unfortunatly, not all family members will do the same.
Sorry for the vent, but the insensative jerks who refuse to step up to the plate and take responsibility tick me off to no end.
Greg
***Gregie is now stepping off soapbox and slowly backing away from the microphone***
LOL well said Greg and very much reflects all our thoughts on here! some people just dont know how to handle situations such as these and therefore become insensitive-whether they mean to or not.
My boss and work colleagues have been the most insensitive bunch of jerks around regarding my surgery. It's been very upsetting.Thankfully i've been off sine Feb 16th and got a few more weeks before i have to go back and face their jibes again.They cannot understand my decision and therefore have been very hurtful.
Kay0 -
WOWGregStahl said:Not sure what to say RE: this post
This is my second time around to fight breast cancer so maybe I am more sensative than most men, and like you...appalled at some of the comments posters said thier husbands have made. I have seen posts about wifes comments and attitudes, family, friends, etc as well.
As one poster in this thread stated we all put are foot in it at times. Even women going thru this have made some comments that made me bite my tounge. One lady undergoing treatment at the chemo treatment center (wife went to check things out and meet the nurses) told my wife "at least you will get a free tummy tuck and not have to worry about losing all your weight" (wife is on the thicker side)....so it comes from all side.
The first thing I did was to let her know and as it has always been, that I will stand behind her on the decisions she has to make about her treatments and her body, I will stand next to her hand in hand, fingers interlocked tightly and walk down this road to beat this nasty disease, I will stand in front of her when she needs to be protected. That my responsibility as her husband, 50-50 partner, best friend, and a man.
Unfortunatly, not all family members will do the same.
Sorry for the vent, but the insensative jerks who refuse to step up to the plate and take responsibility tick me off to no end.
Greg
***Gregie is now stepping off soapbox and slowly backing away from the microphone***
That actually brought tears to my eyes....you're right that not all family members, friends do the same but it sounds like your wife is very fortunate that she has you fighting in her corner. One of the hardest things I have found about this disease is seeing the impact that it has on my family - I love them for always being here for me but hate seeing their lives become all about MY cancer. I think it is one of the things that makes me feel the most helpless but also puts my life in a different perspective. The things that absolutely drove me nuts before BC (mostly things at work) now seem so insignificant. As much as I hate BC, I am probably a better overall person because of it - I now know what is important.
Chris0 -
I'm SorryHubby said:Thanks For the Support
I will look for the "Breast Cancer Husband" book; and it is true that I want to fix it. I originally posted because I can't believe what some men say to their wives:"All you ever talk about is cancer"; "get over it";"I can't take it anymore".
The truth is that fighting cancer and holding my wife together is now my number one focus every day of my life. Someday (however long it takes)it won't be #1 every day, but it will be always be there.
So what I tell my wife is: Don't worry about me, I can get through this, and I will get you through this.
Hubby,You brought tears to my eyes.I am the wife whose husband can't say anything right. I have to say "thank you" so much for your post.. My husband has said "all you ever talk about is cancer" "you need to stop dwelling on cancer" and the famous "I don't know what to say to you cause nothing I say is right so I won't say anything to you again." I cried and cried over those words. I am newly diagnosed.10 days ago. I am soooo scared and overwhelmed. I feel numb then angry. I cry a lot just of out the blue. I second guess myself. I when he asked what I wanted him to say couldn't answer. I don't know what I want him to say. I just want his support and him there in the present with me. He is the most wonderful man I have ever had the honor to know and love. We have been together since we were 17. He is my whole world. I do not want to or mean to hurt his feelings when he says something wrong. I am right now in a place where I don't know what I want or need. I do know I need him more then anyone else. So thank you for stepping up and saying what you did. I am having my husband read this all tonight and I think you were just my angel.. I know he will get it now as I did when I read your post. You were not being insensitive you were just like your wife is. Not knowing what to say or do herself..
Thank You,
Cindy Ann0 -
Didnt mean to make you crygreyhoundluvr said:WOW
That actually brought tears to my eyes....you're right that not all family members, friends do the same but it sounds like your wife is very fortunate that she has you fighting in her corner. One of the hardest things I have found about this disease is seeing the impact that it has on my family - I love them for always being here for me but hate seeing their lives become all about MY cancer. I think it is one of the things that makes me feel the most helpless but also puts my life in a different perspective. The things that absolutely drove me nuts before BC (mostly things at work) now seem so insignificant. As much as I hate BC, I am probably a better overall person because of it - I now know what is important.
Chris
but situations like test a relationship. Wife an I have had our share of problems and one separation while we worked things out. Now we are back, stronger, and will do this together.0 -
we all say the wrong thing sometimes
You may think it was the wrong thing but maybe not. You do have to consider all things, all options and try to be honest. The Susan B Koman web site has lists of questions you can print out to take with you to doctors. I found it heplful. Also answers a lot of questions and it is a site you can trust. Hang in there.0 -
thanks for the supportHubby said:Thanks For the Support
I will look for the "Breast Cancer Husband" book; and it is true that I want to fix it. I originally posted because I can't believe what some men say to their wives:"All you ever talk about is cancer"; "get over it";"I can't take it anymore".
The truth is that fighting cancer and holding my wife together is now my number one focus every day of my life. Someday (however long it takes)it won't be #1 every day, but it will be always be there.
So what I tell my wife is: Don't worry about me, I can get through this, and I will get you through this.
In 2001, I found a lump,called 1st Dr. he said "nothing to worry about", called my daughter,
she wanted me to come to her place, 200 miles away, this was in Feb.2001. ask my husband of 45 years to go with me. No he could not.
So I drove my self. cold, rain ice, made it to my daughters. the next day went to her Dr. She told me , "you have full blown breast cancer.
Had the lump removed. It was cancer. My husband blowed up. No, oh we will be Ok. no hugs . just mad and ran out of the house.
I have went though Alot more since then. bone cancer. lymp node cancer.lost the use of my arm and hand because the cancer lymp nodes are pushing on my nerves to the arm and hand.
My husband and I are now divorced. He never went to any of my Dr. appt. not at all supportive. so if my daughter was the only one supportive. who needs a husband. I thank God for my daughter and her family . Her Husband has always been there for her and me. so There are good husbands out there. I just got a bum.0
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