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Alone.................................................

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Alone.....................
As most of you know, I keep my cards close to my vest, so to post this is very difficult for me. I just hope no one is in this position as I am now. I am a survivor, and have two teens, and a husband of 20 years. I am approaching my 6 month Pet in April, and my husband, who has treated my illness like I have a cold, has informed me he is going to sell our home, and see a lawyer. I am the sole caregiver to my 8o year old Mom, although my sister drives 2 hrs hear to give me a break from the Nursing Home. We make a great "tag team".
My husband informs me tonite that he does not trust me because I am either on the phone - NH, Brothers, Sis, Financial Info, Cancer chat, or my get away Pogo.com! He thinks something is going on! LMAO (if I had one left) As most of you know I was 112bls, 5ft9in after treatment. I explained to him, I am trying to take in as many calories as possible per day, just to maintain, than gain more weight. I am up to 1100 calories by noon and proud of it! (yea me)I thought he understood. I have stopped drinking since Sept 2009, but he has not. That is fine. I would not deny a couple of beers on the weekends - he works 60 hrs a week, and has done so much around the house during the many months I could not get out of bed. I expressed my thanks each time.
I used to take care of his parents 87 Dad and 80 Mom until July when my Mom got dementia, stokes and heart failure. Now, he goes over to help them 1 or 2 times a week and I think the stress is being directed at me. I asked him last year to get an Eldercare lawyer, and visiting nurse.Now his Dad is on his last legs and he is in a panic. I understand, but it is out of my hands.
I told him in July 2009 when I was diagnosed, that this will either make or break us.
I guess it is breaking us. It saddens me yes, but I am not the person I was when I began this journey. My energy must be focused on my fight, my children, and making Mom comfortable. I am sorry he thinks I look like a "waif" but it is what it is right now. I feel badly that he feels so distrustful and neglected.
No, I do not look look that tall blonde, blue eyed girl he married 20 years ago, but the inside is the same - only much stronger! I can only pray, and have faith that he will come around. I know either way, whatever he decides, I will come thru this too. Thank you my cancer family, for listening, and always being here day and night.
P.S. Can I get anyone to testify in court on my behalf? Hee hee! Love and prayers, Patty

staceya's picture
staceya
Posts: 701
Joined: Jan 2010

My heart goes out to you.
stacey

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you Stacey. I realize this situation did not come about within the last year, so it will take time to resolve. Happy to see from your pic that you have a solid support! God Bless You and your family. Patty

Hal61's picture
Hal61
Posts: 656
Joined: Dec 2009

Patty, you are very brave to post information I'm sure is hard for you to contemplate right now. You have run into several life-changing situations all at once and I will keep you in my wishes as you deal with them. Fortunately, days indeed only arrive one at a time and some of your logjam will resolve itself given some time.

best, Hal61

MaryRC's picture
MaryRC
Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2010

Patty,
I am sorry about what has happened between you and your husband. If he cant support you the way he shoudve been doing all along then maybe it is better he is gone. Will be hard but I from what all you have gone through you are a very strong woman.
You can do it.
Mary

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thanks for your post and concern. And yes, it is a lot to chew on right now, but as I said, I am not the same person who started this journey last year. I am much bolder, and stronger - which could be a little unnerving for a hubby. Thank you for the good wishes, and I believe you are right.

HeartofSoul's picture
HeartofSoul
Posts: 732
Joined: Dec 2009

You think your husbands reasons below are really legitimate or could there be another reason that he is hidding and just using the other reasons as a diversion?

sweetblood22's picture
sweetblood22
Posts: 3230
Joined: Jan 2010

First of all, you are a strong woman. You can fight head and neck cancer, you can fight anything else that comes your way. I can see that in you. You are not alone in having a less than compassionate husband. As one who has kept her cards close for her whole life, I understand that too.

I have been living all my life with a genetic blood disorder, Fanconis Anemia. Whenever I was ill, my ex husband never so much as made me a cup of tea. Once when I was very ill, he had the nerve to ask me why I was laying on the couch in the dark, and had not cooked him dinner. I had been ill for months, lost 22lbs, had not been able to eat in 4 days, and was laying on the couch, a huddled wreck with no strength and a migraine. Unbelievable. I had to go through my cancer battle alone. On September 11, 2007. I had come home to find out my ex was having an affair with a 25 year old bimbo. (he was 40, she was also married and had like 3 kids) I left that night not knowing where the heck I was going to go, but I knew I was not staying there. We had just celebrated our 15 wedding anniversary. He actually told my best friend he cheated. My friend's wife tried to get him to tell me. He would not. He even had the nerve to have a huge party at my home with all my family and friends and invited that bimbo to my home with all my friends and family there. My best friend finally called me after almost 2 weeks of calling him everyday telling him he better tell me. He was too chicken. Anyway, my friends called me and said, "we are here for you when ever you need us. for whatever you need us. day or night you can always call us. we are here for you. if you do not know what we are talking about go home and talk to your husband." I knew then.

I was a wreck. For a long time. Less than 4 months after I moved out I had to put my beloved 15 year old dog, Kiaya, down. I was sad and the affair and divorce totally killed my self confidence. I was upset because I was alone. The bimbo that he was with ended up not leaving her husband. He slept with her once, and ruined our marriage. He asked to get back with me. Nope. (maybe if I had kids, I would have gone to counseling, but no. I could never trust him again. and could never imagine him touching me again. period. Not when I stuck through 15 years of serious financial hardship to support him in HIS dream. Working 48 to 65 hours a week to assist him in his dream.) It still to this day bothers me that I kept my vows, and I am alone, and no one wants me, and he has someone in his life. ( Now, I even feel worse about myself after this cancer. Scars, and being so skinny. Not talking normally. )

I just started to feel a little better after 10 months. My parents had let me stay in the home they purchased for my grandmother. She is 84 and very hard to live with because her mind is not what it was. But I saved and was going to buy a house, and put down a deposit on a house in June of 2008. It was held up and held up, then fell thru in october, because I could not get a clear title, and I think there was a judgement on it. Anyway, I was really sad it fell through. Every one kept saying, It happened for a reason. Was not meant to be. Well, ended up with a swollen lymphnode and cancer. I would not have been able to pay the mortgage on that house since I have not worked for a year now.

It is a good thing I was not with my ex through my ordeal. He would have just been worried about the financial aspects of fighting cancer and me not working. He would have been worried about how much it would cost to save my life. Not worried about saving my life. He would not have been there for me, he would have just given me more greif and stress that I did not need. He was always suspicious of me and jealous. Now I know why. Guilty consious. He was a cheater. They are always thinking you are up to something. He is a sad, bitter person. So many people could not believe that I stayed with him for lo those 15 years. He is not well liked in this town. Most of the people here were happy that I was no longer with him.

I am a "waif" too. Was down to 88lbs, I am 5'2". Up almost 10 lbs since getting my pump the end of January. Yay! Have had my Peg tube for a year. I don't feel like me yet. I am still tired and weak. My mouth is still in pain, and I finished rads in May of last year. I can get maybe 1000 cals by mouth a day. Still having a hard time with swallowing. Rads closed my throat down below 2mm. Had two stretchings just to be able to eat soft foods.

Yes, Patty, focus on you. Focus on your kids, and mom. Maybe he will come around. Can you or would he go to counseling with you? Maybe he is scared and overwhelmed, IDK. No offense to the men on this board, but it has been my experience women are much better at verbalizing fears, concerns, and stresses. Men go into cave man mode sometimes. Locking them selves away from things that pain or stress them. Or do not express what they are really feeling. I hope what ever should happen that you find happiness and be healthy. If you ever need to vent or need a friend, you can always PM me. Maybe I have shared too much, IDk. But I want women who may be going through illness and marital problems, or divorce that they can be strong even when they think they aren't. You seem like you know you are strong, and you are. Praying for you.

d

stevenl's picture
stevenl
Posts: 587
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi Patty,

I joined later than you so I don't know a whole lot about you other than your always upbeat posts. I am hopeful that if he wants a divorce he gets the real what for from the judge. You may not be what he married, but lets face it, neither is he. He may think he is but he is not. Don't want to talk bad about him, but if this is happening, then my opinion of him ain't real high right now sorry. Anyone who treats you like you have a cold when you have this doesn't help with the formation of my opinion of him, sorry. My wife should have left me many times as I wanted my cake and well you know. Patty, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there and God Bless You.

Steve

Fire34
Posts: 351
Joined: Feb 2010

Patty
All I can say is he isnt living up to his part of the "for better or for worse: part. My prayers are with you that things will work out as they are with everyone on this site.
Dave

cwcad's picture
cwcad
Posts: 117
Joined: Nov 2009

Except for the grace of God there go I. I am truly sorry to hear of this predicament. There is tremendous pressure on everyone when in treatment. I pray that God will provide you with the tools to weather your storm.

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you cwcad! Thank you for your prayers, I know He is with me. I pray you are well and appreciate your support. Bless you! Patty

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you Steve, how right you are! I laugh when I look at our wedding pic, he had hair, and I had that sappy smile on my face. Lol!
I think he was blowing off steam, but I do not need it anymore. Go out with the boys, or find a hobby! I am stronger, and he is surprised that I will not stand for it anymore.
Yes, I have done things in my younger days that upset him, but I always took my vows seriously. I have never wandered, and have even discussed this topic with him. I would leave before I would ever cheat ( physically, mentally, or internetly -is that a word?)
I believe he is overwhelmed, but do you know any one who is not Steve? We have a lot of talking to do, so we will see. Thank you so much for your support and prayers. Prayers have gotten me through each day. I could not have walked this path alone, without God, or friends like you! God Bless You and Keep You! Patty

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

I am soo sorry to hear your story. It just makes me admire you more for the strong, independent fighter you are! ( Or maybe, you have become!) Thank God you are no longer tied to you ex. There are words I cannot use to express the disgust I feel w/o being offensive on this forum.
I am using Carnation VHC -as I mentioned b4 560 calories! I also am taking a liquid prescription megace, which you probably are not ready for yet. I was not able to eat with my sore mouth, and no saliva, just a few months ago. So please know - it will get better.
You are an amazing lady, and have beat the odds on everything else that was thrown in your path. You will do this too! I have a new respect for you, and thank you for sharing your personal, and heart wrenching information. It gave me hope and a whole new perspective. You have helped me more than you will know. If there is ever anything I can do for you - please do not hesitate to email me. You are one amazing woman, and I am happy to have you as my friend. Stay strong, and may God continue to guide your path. I can see His hand in your life. Patty

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

You make a good point Heart! My husbands reasons hold no water. I know he is stressed about his job, parents, my Mom, my cancer. I think he is angry, but I am no longer willing to waste my precious time on being his whipping board. This will take time, but hopefully we can open up the lines of communication, and solve some of these issues. Only time will tell. Thanks for giving me food for thought. Bless you! Patty

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5655
Joined: Apr 2009

Most men never understand that true beauty is not on the outside of the skin but deep down in the heart.

This august will make 36 years my wife and I been married. How she put up with me I have no idea but I saw the real beauty in her 9 years ago when I first started down the road with cancer, she was my rock.

I will keep you in Prayer, God be with you.

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

This too shall pass. I hope to keep my marriage together, but this did not happen overnight, and will not be solved quickly either.
I have been praying for answers, and have faith that the Lord will guide my path.
My heart is gladdened when I see happily married couples like you and your wife of 36 years! (Yikes!) You are a lucky man! (and she did not do too bad either! ;) God bless and keep you both.
Thank you for the prayers, as you are in mine. Patty

pk's picture
pk
Posts: 192
Joined: Aug 2009

This just plain stinks!!! However, you are atrong woman and obviously can endure and fight for YOU!!! What you all have been through is such a tough battle!!!! No one here should have to face anything more than their own survival!!!! Please hang in - your cancer family is here for you, and hopefully you have some good GIRLFRIENDS to confide in as well. I could not survive without mine. I was the caregiver to my husband throughout his treatment, and now we are vacationing on St.Simons Island,GA. Now it's payback time as I broke my arm the second week down here so now I'm the one being waited on!!!!
Keep posting and sharing with us. We are here for you. Blessings.
Phyllis

Kent Cass's picture
Kent Cass
Posts: 1746
Joined: Nov 2009

Your husband can say it's because he doesn't trust you, or whatever. Could be the best way for you to get a handle on where he's really at: ask, or maybe even plead with, him to see a marriage counselor with you. If he refuses that, Patty, then I reckon he's lying to you about his reasoning for splitting. It'll be a test for him to take. Beware, though- you might not like his answer(s).

So sorry for you, girl. All you got going-on, and now this. Do they have a Gilda's Club in your area? Might be good for not only the C support, but also very possible they might know of legal help. If he is leaving you due to your C-related physical changes, then he just might have some financial concerns of significance with a split-up.

Realize that with the C- you gotta have insurance, Patty. My Pet/CT costs a little over $5K, for instance. Very critical, you know. Don't know if you're on his plan at work, but do know your individual costs would be large with C, and trying to get an insurance co. to start coverage with you would be very difficult. Heck, my recent med history makes my continued employment critical- nobody is gonna hire me with my recent med-history. That's reality.

Hopes and Prayers for you

kcass

ratface's picture
ratface
Posts: 1232
Joined: Aug 2009

He sounds really scared as this cancer can be, I am currently seeking help through a psychologist and am on anti-anxiety meds. I also attend a monthly group meeting. With all this I am still a basket case and they say caregiving can be even more stressful. He dosen;t sound like a total throw away. Look at the positives, he works sixty hours a week. He has helped with the home chores you say. His father is dying and he is terrified that you might too. pretty scary stuff. Please see if he will attend a local head and Neck cancer group with you. He will walk out of there feeling really lucky. I hope you can salvage things but none of us are who we were. Not me, not you, not him, not mine or your kids. Negotiate first, war if you have too. I'm so sorry for your turmoil and sleepless nights as you are sure to be experiencing. Please help yourself first. There is a lot out there to help us. take advantage of it.

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Yes, I think counseling would be the way to go - oh wise one! I understand his feelings, and do feel guilty of neglecting him. As you know, there are months where I could not get out of bed. Now I am up, actually eating 3000-4000 calories, and not napping during the day! I am cooking dinners again, and have been trying to do more around the house to make him happy, I guess it was his time for his "meltdown", but it came as a shock to me. I thought things were better compared to the last 3 months.
I know seeing his parents failing is at the root of it, but I told him last year to take care of their finances. Now, it is too little, too late.
Thank you for your insight, I am with you ratface - I plan on attending a meeting locally in April. Thanks again, and stay strong! Okay??? God bless you, and thanks for being my friend! Patty

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Phyllis

So sorry to hear about your arm! :( That stinks! But being waited on is not all bad!
Thank you for your post, I appreciate your input. I know it is scary for my hubby to see all these changes, and not have any control over any of it. I realized a long time ago, I am not in control, God is. In doing so, a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders!
Thank you for the kind words of support. It is amazing how these many posts helped pull me thru the despair that was about to swallow me. Get well soon, and enjoy the rest of your vacation! Love & Prayers, Patty

Pam M's picture
Pam M
Posts: 2194
Joined: Nov 2009

Patty,

Very sorry to hear of your heartbreak. I'm hoping that hubby is having a meltdown phase, and will come out of it soon, and see that he got lucky. I'd rather have a hero for a spouse than a model for a spouse (OK, but in all honesty, if I could have a hero who is ALSO a model . . .).

Hoping for the best, and knowing that, like the man says, you are blooming wherever you are planted. I admire your focus, and the example you're setting for your kids.

Skiffin16's picture
Skiffin16
Posts: 8058
Joined: Sep 2009

Wishing the very best outcome for you, what ever that may be, or where it might lead you....

You are not alone here, we are here for you.

God Bless,
John

delnative's picture
delnative
Posts: 452
Joined: Aug 2009

What an awful thing to happen at such a difficult and pivotal time in your life.
I know it's trite, but that old saying about when one door closes another opens has an element of truth in it. I hope that the door that's opening leads to a better life and a brighter future.
And, like everyone here has said, we're here for you.

--Jim in Delaware

Kent Cass's picture
Kent Cass
Posts: 1746
Joined: Nov 2009

The biggest Ditto of Jim's exceptional post is to you from all of us, Patty.

Please let us know how things are with you, Sister.

kcass

CajunEagle's picture
CajunEagle
Posts: 357
Joined: Oct 2009

to take place during this part of your life. You really don't have time to put up with it. If he can't understand "for better or for worse" or "in sickness and in health", then it's time for you to get the house....the boat....the cars...the kids...stocks/bonds/savings/checking accounts...and 60% of every stinkin dime he earns from now on until he croaks. Get him !!

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

I am with you on this one! I have been stock piling info for a couple of years now. I saw what happened to my little brother, when my Sis in law divorced him. She made 5 figures, and he had no clue! To me, that was just plain stupid. I am prepared for whatever happens, and yes - he will be "gotten." if need be! Lol!
You are right - I have no time for this, or the negativity. I took my vows seriously, but sometimes things just cannot be mended. I am hoping for the best, but am prepared for the worst. Thanks for the reality check Cajun! Much appreciated! Take care of yourself, and be well! Patty

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you so much! My Sister and I to cleaned out Moms apartment this week, so I apologize to all for my late replies. It was most difficult to go through everything she owns, without being able to actually tell Mom. Mom still thinks she is coming home.
My Sis actually fell into a pile, and sobbed for quite a while, and all I could do is hold her. She is my rock. She is the strong one.
We got rid of most of her furniture, we only kept her clothes, and jewelry. I feel guilty for "sneaking" around her apt, invading her privacy, but she cannot legally keep the apt she has lived in since 1958. My Sis left to go home today, and looked exhausted! I am sure I looked no better! :{. We got it done. My son will be home from college tomorrow,so hubby and him will do the heavy lifting.
It was all so sad, and final, like a death in a way.
Thank you so much for your concerns. I know in my heart this was the right thing to do, but it doesn't make it any easier. "I can do all things through Christ." AMEN!
Hope you are doing well, and know my prayers are with you. Patty

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5655
Joined: Apr 2009

As Christians we are only passing through this world of sin on our way to a better place prepared for us by our Lord and Savior. I hate seeing good people hurt but like you said we can do all things through Christ for he is the one that gives me my daily strength. You have a very strong faith in Jesus let him be your guide in life.

God protect and watch over you always

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

You are always a light in the darkness! I am not afraid, just saddened by his vehement remarks. He did apologize, but we have a LOT to talk about. Thank you for your wisdom and kindness Jim. You are a gem! Love & Prayers, Patty

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you John! I am so thankful for my CSN family! I believe the Lord will guide my path.
Hubby has a rough year also, although I am not making excuses for his behavior, I can understand his frustration. Thanks for being here for me, and may God bless you, and keep you healthy. Prayers, Patty

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Pam! Yeah, you hit the nail on the head! "Meltdown" is the perfect word. He apologized for being an a**, but I am too tired and old to deal with his tantrums. Strangely enough, when I look back, I can see that I have become a better person then when I began this journey. I appreciate your humor, and compassion. And I think I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and am "blooming wherever I am planted." I love that! Thank you Pam, and God bless you! Patty

wifeforlife
Posts: 189
Joined: Feb 2010

Cancer has changed his life too. He can't take the treatments, he can't change the way you react to the treatments, he can't make the changes go away...I don't know if he's a good guy or not...but I do know if you deserve a second chance so does he. You are focused on your illness and getting better, which is exactly what you are suppose to be focused on...he is focused on finances, future, family, death, life, you, him, kids without you,parents, payments, everything.
And I'm with one of the other posts...before you leave him you need to consider insurance, expenses, health, kids...

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

I understand his feelings, and I know he is feeling frustrated and helpless. I just don;t feelhe should take out his anger on me. I mean really - get a hobby.
I have done and still do all the finances. He has never payed a bill, opened a bank a/c, 401k, IRA , investments, stocks or bonds etc. I did. I do not come up with the idea of leaving - that was his idea.
With the Obama healthcare plan now - I do not think it will matter much. We will be all on socialized medicine.
My daughter will be in college in 3 years, and Sonny is a Sophmore in college. They will be prepared for life, and be out on their own all too soon. It is better for them to live in a stress free home, then to walk around with a knot in their stomach, walking on eggshells. So, the ball is in his court. We have a lot to work on, but life is too short to waste.
Soon enough it will come down to basically - me & him. He must decide if he wants that, or not.
You do make very good points wife, but this is life, my Mom is dying, his parents are going quickly, and we can not do anything about it. All we can do is love them, and try to make them comfortable. Thank you for sharing, I do appreciate you input. Blessings, Patty

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