Cancer Survivors Network

I am so sorry for both of you. I walked that path 12 years ago. I was the caretaker for my husband who battled lung cancer and larynx cancer -leading to a laryngectomy and a Blom-Singer voice box.(Especially hard on a trumpet player) Going through the cancer battle leaves the caregiver (spouse) with a form of PTSD. It is horrible. I remember going through the house and expecting to "find him" , looking in pockets for notes, anythinbg to bring him back- tears coming during a conversations with a friend; sobbing when alone. Grief is described by many fine authors, but those that have to live it really know there is no definition. You will feel the loss of your loved one till the day you die. As long as one person in a relationship is alive, so is the relationship. There will be times when you will think you cannot survive; other times you wonder how you are surviving. I changed family rituals at times just to try to leave the pain of loss. The loss will always be there - it is like walking through life next to a smoke screen - with one scent, one sound, that smoke screen clears and you are right back there. Please know that you will go on, differently, but on. I am no longer the caretaker, but the patient. I have a similar cancer and my memories of those former battles are right in the here and now. Just remember the love you shared - that will never go away. You are in my thoughts. Dazey

I also try to do things and just can seem to get anything done, it is like it is not real Jack is going to come back , We have not picked up his ashes, yet, we actually went to the cremation, and his dad and sister pressed the button, I was not expecting them to show us the body, and I am having dreams and it is weird I never had dreams especially ones that I could remember, Jack always had intense dreams and could tell you exactly what they were about, I am having them now, where I am waking up and it takes me time to catch my bearing, and they are so intense, So how do I explain them, and I keep waiting for sign, I feel like jack has gone and forgotten me I feel he is in a better place and he will continue and not love me anymore, it is such a lost feeling, Thank you Michelle for always listen and being there,

My dear one...if "ANYTHING" remember that Jack will never EVER forget you. Our loved ones who pass on communicate to us through our dreams.

Deceased loved ones are available to us anytime we think of them-in another dimension and just in spirit form. Existing only a thought away. Death does not separate us in a spiritual sense; in fact, we can enhance our relationship even more so because there is no judgment on the other side. You may communicate your truest intentions of your heart. They are completely aware of your thoughts and feelings about them. Our souls are intertwined by energy, allowing us to draw on this energy to communicate with them, telepathically.

There are many ways a deceased loved one can communicate with a person; vocal, a touch, a smell, visual experience, dreams and through electricity. They keep their After Death Communication (ADC) to a minimal as not to startle or scare you. ADC is their gift to you, assuring you of their survival, letting you know they are just fine on the other side!

To all above who have lost their loved ones, my heart goes out to each and every one of you. Although I haven't walked in your shoes, I watch and wonder from reading your posts if I too will be able to cope when and if the time comes for my husband who has stage IV2b esophageal cancer. I believe that each life has an individual purpose and although we don't have any idea at any particular time what our purpose is, people looking in and watching like me knows maybe a few of those purposes. Each one of you have been given the task of caring and losing a loved one. Each one of you have opened up your emotions to share with the rest of us who are about to take on this same journey. You have taught us and have prepared us and we look to you for reassurance that although life will not be easy, life will go on. See, without even knowing, each of you have already made a difference in others lives. Each and every day of my life for the past 6 months since my husbands diagnosis, I have transformed into a better human being. I have become a better wife, sister, mother and friend. Our loved ones never truly leave us, they are a huge part of what makes us who we are today and as survivors, we make sure that they continue to live life through us by remembering them, talking and sharing stories about them and living our lives knowing how proud they will be of us.

Sherri

from the tme they told us angel had colon cancer,After the first surgery to remove the tumor the dr said he would need chemo he was a stage 3c but i guess there was more cancer had the chest port in getting horrilbe chemo made him so sick .But i still hoped the chemo would work and he would be ok. now stage 4 tumors growing on the oustside of the large and small interstines tumor on liver and kidney. more chemo hoping this one would work but it did not jan 09 had blockage surgery to remove blockage to many big tumors all over pelvic area,closed him up gave him the bag so now the drs are saying there is nothing more we can do so they put the pain pump in the stomach cavity and we went home with no hope left of fighting this . we have cried alot since nov 07 when they fist found the cancer to jan 09 when he was sent home to die. at that point my hope was gone for him to live threw this. My hope was for angel not to be in pain that was not to be he had it very bad at the end so from jan to april we lived every minute together, Then he died on april 16th 2009 he was 53 and we have been married for 35 yrs. And now i hope angel is watching over me and guiding me.It is the hardest thing to ever do is watch you husband wither away and die and you can't stop it. Sorry if i am rambling but i am missing angel alot today. It will be 7 months on the 16th that i haven't seen my husband. But i am ok and going in the right direction it is hard sometimes..

michelle