Should I Push or Just Support?

Hard Situation
Julis111,

First of all let me say that my heart goes out to you during this difficult and confusing time. I understand all too well the frustration and loss you are feeling. My husband was 30 years old when he had surgery to remove a tumor and his kidney. Post surgery he was very depressed and demanding. He refused to do anything for himself and was very harsh when I suggested things for him to do. Not only would he put constant demands on me, but I could never seem to do them right. Once he even yelled at me because I bent his straw incorrectly when I placed it in his glass.

I started refusing to do small things. For example, if he'd been sitting on the couch for a while and wanted a drink I'd tell him I was caught up with something and could he please do it himself. Eventually he really wanted the drink and he'd get up. Slowly I asked him (or gently refused) to do more and more things for himself. Those little "chores" not only forced him to move more, but also gave him confidence that he could do things.

Then I made suggestions that coaxed him off the couch. I'd tell him the kids were riding bikes and why didn't he sit on a chair on the driveway to watch. If I was gardening, I'd ask him to keep me company outside while I worked. If I had errands to do, I'd ask him to go with me (even if he just sat in the car)so we could talk. Eventually he started to realize what he was missing and took the initiative to move on his own.

You need to keep a couple things in mind. First-don't try to get him to do activity that he physically can't or should not do. Second-he WILL get mad at you. Unfortunately there's no way around that. My husband at one point told me I didn't care about him when I refused to get him something. He's just as frustrated and needs you to care for him not enable him. It's a fine line that after 5 years I have yet to master. Tell him that you push him sometimes BECAUSE you love him. If you didn't love him you would let him rot on the couch without a care in the world. Third-keep in mind he may be depressed and need medication. Consult with his doctor if that is a concern.

Sometimes allowing our loved ones find their own path to recovery is difficult. Stay strong, get the support of family and friends, and take time for yourself.

lily33

Best of luck to you

lily33 said:

Hard Situation
Julis111,

First of all let me say that my heart goes out to you during this difficult and confusing time. I understand all too well the frustration and loss you are feeling. My husband was 30 years old when he had surgery to remove a tumor and his kidney. Post surgery he was very depressed and demanding. He refused to do anything for himself and was very harsh when I suggested things for him to do. Not only would he put constant demands on me, but I could never seem to do them right. Once he even yelled at me because I bent his straw incorrectly when I placed it in his glass.

I started refusing to do small things. For example, if he'd been sitting on the couch for a while and wanted a drink I'd tell him I was caught up with something and could he please do it himself. Eventually he really wanted the drink and he'd get up. Slowly I asked him (or gently refused) to do more and more things for himself. Those little "chores" not only forced him to move more, but also gave him confidence that he could do things.

Then I made suggestions that coaxed him off the couch. I'd tell him the kids were riding bikes and why didn't he sit on a chair on the driveway to watch. If I was gardening, I'd ask him to keep me company outside while I worked. If I had errands to do, I'd ask him to go with me (even if he just sat in the car)so we could talk. Eventually he started to realize what he was missing and took the initiative to move on his own.

You need to keep a couple things in mind. First-don't try to get him to do activity that he physically can't or should not do. Second-he WILL get mad at you. Unfortunately there's no way around that. My husband at one point told me I didn't care about him when I refused to get him something. He's just as frustrated and needs you to care for him not enable him. It's a fine line that after 5 years I have yet to master. Tell him that you push him sometimes BECAUSE you love him. If you didn't love him you would let him rot on the couch without a care in the world. Third-keep in mind he may be depressed and need medication. Consult with his doctor if that is a concern.

Sometimes allowing our loved ones find their own path to recovery is difficult. Stay strong, get the support of family and friends, and take time for yourself.

lily33

Best of luck to you

excellend advice lily
Thanks for your advice. I too am experiencing problems with my husband not wanting to do anything. I understand his fatigue after chemo and that he can't walk too far due to 24/7 oxygen, but there are indeed a few things he could do for himself and I certainly will take your advice.

My husband too yelled at me because I brought a fork for him to eat with once when he wanted a spoon. So, now I bring everything....fork, spoon, knife etc just in case! ha ha

seanslove said:

finding peace
I understand where you are coming from as I watch my hero turn into a tv watching bed person:not him at all. I have found letting him tell me what he can or can not do id best,as we have not even started chemo and in two months he has lost 40 pounds. I know how hard it is for you as I cry when ever in my car or away from home,and look for answers. This is why I have joined these boards today is in hope of finding peace and answers.

Hold On
seanslove and MichelleP,

My 35 year old husband is 5 years into his struggle with stage IV kidney cancer. I understand the sadness and frustration the two of you are faced with daily as you watch your loved ones change before your eyes. Please know that even 5 years in, I still have good and bad days. I am constantly learning how to be a caregiver and wife at the same time.

I know it's hard, but try to find some way to cope with the bad days. Many times I cry too-especially in the car or at night in bed. I also have found that listening to music (on my ipod) or reading sometimes allows me to disconnect from my sadness. Instead of letting my mind wander in the car as I drive, the music I love helps me refocus my thoughts. Reading before bed (something happy) allows me to have good thoughts in my head before I go to sleep. It usually helps to have a good cry, but keep in mind there are additional ways to handle the grief and isolation. Along with this board and friends, never give up on trying different ways that will help get you through the day.

Hang in there and know that I am thinking and praying for you often.

lily33

tough love sometimes is the
tough love sometimes is the thing. if he is depressed get him as well as yourself help. do it now.