feeling very bad about my appearance

ohilly
ohilly Member Posts: 441
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I have written many posts about my hair, so I am not going to repeat myself. I just want to share that I feel very, very bad about my appearance. I get so depressed when I look in the mirror. Tonight I am going to see a therapist about this. I try and console myself that in the worst case scenario if my hair does not grow back or ever look the same, in 6 months I will get a hairpiece (I would do it now, but I'm afraid it will damage my new, fine hair). Some of you responded that you are going through the same thing, but how did you deal with the drastic changes in appearance and your feelings about this? I must look at every single other person's hair during the day and I also compare myself with other survivors whose hair grew back more quickly.

I know appearance isn't everything and my husband tells me I look fine, but I am just so depressed. It doesn't help that I tried to share my feelings with one of my friends (not a survivor) and she was extremely judgmental of me for being upset about this and told me I was obsessing. She said everyone has some physical defect, so what's the big deal? I tried to explain that it is not the same to have a physical defect all your life vs. your appearance drastically and perhaps permanently changing within 6 months. She did not get it.

Thanks for listening.

Ohilly
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Comments

  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    Just an opinion
    Ohilly,
    I don't think that you are obsessing about the hair. I do think that it is good that you are going to see a therapist. It may be more than the hair that is really the issue. The hair could be a metaphor for your whole fight against the cancer. Your hair is not the same as before and neither are you. In your mind, it may be that you feel if your hair comes back and is the same then so are you. No cancer, just the old you. It is a hard thing to deal with the after of cancer. A therapist might help you through this. The visual reminder of looking in the mirror is very difficult. For my sister, who had a mastectomy, it is looking at her body. She avoids looking at herself so much that she had an infection after her radiation and didn't realize it. True friends are not judgmental. I hope that this resolves for you because after all you have been through the bottom line is that you deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve to feel joy when you look in the mirror. You deserve to be happy that you are done with treatments and that you are a survivor and if any aspect of your feeling this way is blocked by hair, scars, fears or whatever it needs to be addressed and it needs to be acknowledged. We all react differently to our treatments, our losses, our journey, our survivorship and no one has the right to tell you that you are wrong or to just get on with it. But a therapist might be able to help you find out whether it is really the hair or if the issues are deeper and they might be. I wish you well my friend and I hope that you can find your answers where ever they may be. I hope it can be with the return of your beautiful hair, but if not with a beautiful hair piece or through the assistance of a therapist. There is an answer to your needs somewhere and I pray you find it.
    Stef
  • CrystalW
    CrystalW Member Posts: 31
    Appearance
    Ohilly, People outside the cancer circle just don't get it. Even those closest to us can't imagine what it's like to go from one extreme to the other. Now I could see if a person chooses to make themselves bald, that's one thing but, we have no choice. I found during my treatments that even my wonderful supportive husband was bothered by my baldness when we went out in public mostly. I got to a point where it didn't bother me to be seen "naked" but for the sake of my kids and husband and I suppose others because it is kind of uncomfortable for some to see a bald woman, I wore my wig or at least a scarf. You sound as though you are depressed. Have you talked to your docs about trying some anti depressants? I had to finally admit that I was depressed at a certain point in my journey although I tried to keep the "good attitude" front up. It caught up to me one day. I was prescribed Effexor and began taking it at least until I was through the roughest spots. It really did help.

    Your hair will grow back. Mine took a long time or at least it seemed like it. I really felt ripped off because I had heard people talking about how their hair returned a different color or curly when before it was straight. I got the same old hair back, straight as a board and same color(blonde), just a little darker. At that point I didn't really care. I was just thankful that it was back.

    This is just a great board because everyone here has been thru or going the same thing. Quite an elite club we belong to. Hang in there Ohilly. It will get better even though it doesn't seem like it at the moment. And when your hair grows back in and it's 5 years from now, you will look back on this experience and hopefully get a chuckle out of it.

    Seriously, talk to your docs about some help with your depression. There is no sense in suffering any more than you have to.

    Big (((((HUGS)))))
    Crystal
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Ohilly, let out your
    Ohilly, let out your feelings and don't worry about judgment. You are entitled to whatever you are feeling, whether it is anger or depression or frustration. I'm sure your friend only wants you to feel better, so she is trying to minimize your concerns in an effort to help. Only that never helps, as we all know. Cancer is an unwelcome change and just because other people also suffer and have physical defects does not make our suffering any less valid.

    My body is different, too. I have a scar on my breast; I am bald and pale most of the time; I sometimes get terrible acne when before I had beautifully clear skin; my digestive track doesn't work as well; I've started hot flashes at age 34. And when I think that some of this stuff might outlast treatment, well it all seems so unfair. I try to be gentle with myself and love my body for where it has brought me so far. I feed it right and exercise it. I indulge in things I like and try to have serenity as much as possible. There are so many wonderful things in my life that having these not-so-wonderful things does not erase that. I'm not saying I have it all figured out, because I am plenty angry and frightened still. But I think you are going through a process. You are grieving for the many things cancer took from you. I think it's wise to see that therapist. Let out those feelings and then you can gradually let them go, no matter what happens to your hair in the long run.

    Best,

    Mimi
  • Joycelouise
    Joycelouise Member Posts: 482
    Ohilly, It was weird, and
    Ohilly, It was weird, and not even positive, at first when I saw my once California girl straight blond hair was going to grow in like Shirly Temple. But, after a while, I identified with the new me as authentic. It takes a while. And I do mean months, not weeks, sigh. Our hair seems to grow faster than our psyche.
    I am sending you love and acceptance till your bank gets full again. Love, Joyce
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Hair
    Sweet Ohilly...

    When I was dx in 2003, and going through EVERYTHING ( as all of us well know!) ~when my hair started growing back, Christina Aguilara (sp?) had a best selling song on the charts. It was not about chemo, or CSN, or the Boards, but it spoke to me. It became the rallying call to me and everyone I knew from CSN chat. I too was fretting over my appearance, energy level, and hair in particular. Part of Christina's song: "I am BEAUTIFUL, no matter what they say, words can't bring me down. I am BEAUTIFUL, in every single way, words can't bring me down, don't bring me down today". These words made me strong, Ohilly!

    Lately there is another song by India.Arie which is speaking to me, and it may touch you in particular

    "I am not my hair
    I am not my skin
    I am not not your expectations
    I am not my hair
    I am not this skin
    I am the soul which lives within"


    Be brave...as you always are~ you ARE and will be the beautiful woman not just on the inside, but the outside as well. Give it time...

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • ohilly
    ohilly Member Posts: 441
    chenheart said:

    Hair
    Sweet Ohilly...

    When I was dx in 2003, and going through EVERYTHING ( as all of us well know!) ~when my hair started growing back, Christina Aguilara (sp?) had a best selling song on the charts. It was not about chemo, or CSN, or the Boards, but it spoke to me. It became the rallying call to me and everyone I knew from CSN chat. I too was fretting over my appearance, energy level, and hair in particular. Part of Christina's song: "I am BEAUTIFUL, no matter what they say, words can't bring me down. I am BEAUTIFUL, in every single way, words can't bring me down, don't bring me down today". These words made me strong, Ohilly!

    Lately there is another song by India.Arie which is speaking to me, and it may touch you in particular

    "I am not my hair
    I am not my skin
    I am not not your expectations
    I am not my hair
    I am not this skin
    I am the soul which lives within"


    Be brave...as you always are~ you ARE and will be the beautiful woman not just on the inside, but the outside as well. Give it time...

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    thanks to all
    Thanks to everyone for their support. And Claudia, I am going to memorize that song! I did go to a therapist who told me that I am in mourning for my hair, and need to go thru the mourning process (she also said I shouldn't give up that it may grow back stronger, 6 months of regrowth is not a long time). This weekend I am going to post some photos of my hair on this site and maybe you can give me some honest feedback.

    I am not my hair....

    Ohilly
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    ohilly said:

    thanks to all
    Thanks to everyone for their support. And Claudia, I am going to memorize that song! I did go to a therapist who told me that I am in mourning for my hair, and need to go thru the mourning process (she also said I shouldn't give up that it may grow back stronger, 6 months of regrowth is not a long time). This weekend I am going to post some photos of my hair on this site and maybe you can give me some honest feedback.

    I am not my hair....

    Ohilly

    No Ohilly you are not your
    No Ohilly you are not your hair. You are a beautiful person and always remember that. Post the pictures. Love ya, Lili
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    chenheart said:

    Hair
    Sweet Ohilly...

    When I was dx in 2003, and going through EVERYTHING ( as all of us well know!) ~when my hair started growing back, Christina Aguilara (sp?) had a best selling song on the charts. It was not about chemo, or CSN, or the Boards, but it spoke to me. It became the rallying call to me and everyone I knew from CSN chat. I too was fretting over my appearance, energy level, and hair in particular. Part of Christina's song: "I am BEAUTIFUL, no matter what they say, words can't bring me down. I am BEAUTIFUL, in every single way, words can't bring me down, don't bring me down today". These words made me strong, Ohilly!

    Lately there is another song by India.Arie which is speaking to me, and it may touch you in particular

    "I am not my hair
    I am not my skin
    I am not not your expectations
    I am not my hair
    I am not this skin
    I am the soul which lives within"


    Be brave...as you always are~ you ARE and will be the beautiful woman not just on the inside, but the outside as well. Give it time...

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    Song
    I like the song, too, Claudia. Maybe I will download it on my ipod and dance to it today. I am in need of some serious positivity this morning.

    Mimi
  • Aortus
    Aortus Member Posts: 967
    mimivac said:

    Song
    I like the song, too, Claudia. Maybe I will download it on my ipod and dance to it today. I am in need of some serious positivity this morning.

    Mimi

    Serious positivity coming your way, Mimi!
    Poor Moopsy is in the same boat as you, I would suspect.

    Day Seven of the cycle (I start counting on infusion day), third day out from Neulasta shot. Tired, sore, bizarre aches and pains, and fighting to stay out of the dumps. I'm working from home today so I can keep an eye on her, and help our three beastly canines cheer her up.

    FWIW, I've been tracking Moopy's experiences on my CSN blog, and so far, things have started to pick up drastically after Day Seven. Hope it goes this way this time too!

    Best,
    Joe
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Aortus said:

    Serious positivity coming your way, Mimi!
    Poor Moopsy is in the same boat as you, I would suspect.

    Day Seven of the cycle (I start counting on infusion day), third day out from Neulasta shot. Tired, sore, bizarre aches and pains, and fighting to stay out of the dumps. I'm working from home today so I can keep an eye on her, and help our three beastly canines cheer her up.

    FWIW, I've been tracking Moopy's experiences on my CSN blog, and so far, things have started to pick up drastically after Day Seven. Hope it goes this way this time too!

    Best,
    Joe

    bizarre aches and pains
    I can sure relate, Joe. I am beginning to get arthritis-like pain in my legs and feet at night. Last night it was so bad it woke me up. My husband said I woke up yelling "f***k you!" LOL. I thought the beast had come for me at last. My hands don't work as well either. Well, I have also noticed a great improvement after the first week, so here's hoping that this is worst of it for both me and Moopy. Tell her hi for me. Maybe we'll talk here later.

    Mimi
  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    Aortus said:

    Serious positivity coming your way, Mimi!
    Poor Moopsy is in the same boat as you, I would suspect.

    Day Seven of the cycle (I start counting on infusion day), third day out from Neulasta shot. Tired, sore, bizarre aches and pains, and fighting to stay out of the dumps. I'm working from home today so I can keep an eye on her, and help our three beastly canines cheer her up.

    FWIW, I've been tracking Moopy's experiences on my CSN blog, and so far, things have started to pick up drastically after Day Seven. Hope it goes this way this time too!

    Best,
    Joe

    Hi Joe and Moopy!!
    I read your blog and was interested in the talk you will have with your Onc. after the next infusion on post therapy..please keep me informed. I don't have the nuelasta shot so my bones aern't so much achey just tired. I do know about being down in the dumps though and that i'm starting to feel a little more normal day by day (it's day 9) and hope Moopy is also.
    I'm happy you are there to cheer her up. My hubby is going a little nuts trying to cheer me up..now he's painting, putting in new flooring etc..etc.. he really does not need to do so much but i guess it makes him feel better. Tell moopy i'm thinking of her.
    God bless
    Jackie
  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    mimivac said:

    bizarre aches and pains
    I can sure relate, Joe. I am beginning to get arthritis-like pain in my legs and feet at night. Last night it was so bad it woke me up. My husband said I woke up yelling "f***k you!" LOL. I thought the beast had come for me at last. My hands don't work as well either. Well, I have also noticed a great improvement after the first week, so here's hoping that this is worst of it for both me and Moopy. Tell her hi for me. Maybe we'll talk here later.

    Mimi

    Mimi
    I feel like yelling that when i'm not in my sleep! lol!! Hope your feeling better..and i love your pic.
    Jackie
  • Aortus
    Aortus Member Posts: 967
    rjjj said:

    Hi Joe and Moopy!!
    I read your blog and was interested in the talk you will have with your Onc. after the next infusion on post therapy..please keep me informed. I don't have the nuelasta shot so my bones aern't so much achey just tired. I do know about being down in the dumps though and that i'm starting to feel a little more normal day by day (it's day 9) and hope Moopy is also.
    I'm happy you are there to cheer her up. My hubby is going a little nuts trying to cheer me up..now he's painting, putting in new flooring etc..etc.. he really does not need to do so much but i guess it makes him feel better. Tell moopy i'm thinking of her.
    God bless
    Jackie

    Moopy goes Mimi and Jackie one up
    She says she wants to yell F**K YOU right now! She probably would too, but the dogs are still asleep. We've to feed them so many snacks and treats since chemo started (just to keep them quiet) that they are putting on weight - and, worse - farting all the time.

    We are glad to know you're on the rebound, Jackie, and are hoping and praying for all the best. We will definitely share whatever our oncologists have to say to us. Uh-oh... Anubis is sitting at my feet whining at me... Finally, if your husband really *doesn't* need to do so much around the house, Moopy says to send him down here. Mr. Joseph isn't the Mr. Fixit type, to say the very least!
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Aortus said:

    Moopy goes Mimi and Jackie one up
    She says she wants to yell F**K YOU right now! She probably would too, but the dogs are still asleep. We've to feed them so many snacks and treats since chemo started (just to keep them quiet) that they are putting on weight - and, worse - farting all the time.

    We are glad to know you're on the rebound, Jackie, and are hoping and praying for all the best. We will definitely share whatever our oncologists have to say to us. Uh-oh... Anubis is sitting at my feet whining at me... Finally, if your husband really *doesn't* need to do so much around the house, Moopy says to send him down here. Mr. Joseph isn't the Mr. Fixit type, to say the very least!

    profanity!
    Let's all say that to this blasted cancer. Our collective anger and strength will surely crush its ugly head. On the count of three: "F**K YOU, CANCER."

    There. I feel better.
  • GreeneyedGirl
    GreeneyedGirl Member Posts: 1,077
    mimivac said:

    profanity!
    Let's all say that to this blasted cancer. Our collective anger and strength will surely crush its ugly head. On the count of three: "F**K YOU, CANCER."

    There. I feel better.

    !@#$%^&*!!!$$#@&^%()(((::::;;%#$!@*&*&^%
    Ahhhh! I feel better too!
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    mimivac said:

    profanity!
    Let's all say that to this blasted cancer. Our collective anger and strength will surely crush its ugly head. On the count of three: "F**K YOU, CANCER."

    There. I feel better.

    Anger......
    Interesting, indeed!! I am glad you included the word Strength in your collective yell! Trust me, it isn't because the F-bomb doesn't occasionally leave my otherwise pristine lips (HA!) its just that with Cancer, I had to make my mantra "Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At".

    Anger zapped my strength, and I found I needed strength, be it physical, or emotional, waaaaay more than I needed anger. I am not always successful, but I try to incorporate that in most of my life...even that part of my life post treatment.

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    chenheart said:

    Anger......
    Interesting, indeed!! I am glad you included the word Strength in your collective yell! Trust me, it isn't because the F-bomb doesn't occasionally leave my otherwise pristine lips (HA!) its just that with Cancer, I had to make my mantra "Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At".

    Anger zapped my strength, and I found I needed strength, be it physical, or emotional, waaaaay more than I needed anger. I am not always successful, but I try to incorporate that in most of my life...even that part of my life post treatment.

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    Strength
    I try to go for strength and serenity myself, most of the time. But sometimes, anger can help, too, I think. As long as it is not a helpless anger, you know? Like the kind of anger that makes you say, "I'm going to live my life and not let this cancer lay me low." That kind of anger makes me get on the elliptical when I'm feeling like crawling into bed instead.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    mimivac said:

    Strength
    I try to go for strength and serenity myself, most of the time. But sometimes, anger can help, too, I think. As long as it is not a helpless anger, you know? Like the kind of anger that makes you say, "I'm going to live my life and not let this cancer lay me low." That kind of anger makes me get on the elliptical when I'm feeling like crawling into bed instead.

    To-may-to To-mah-to!
    Mimi~
    I am smiling at you Big Time! It must be semantics...and I understand precisely what you mean. I am going to call that Determination or Resolve!!! I was just speaking about myself of course: I don't want to be known as an angry woman. Determined? YES! Couragous? YES! 50feet tall? YES! Kicking cancers A&&? YES! Just not angry...but that's me. LOL As my sweetie says, Claudia puts the GRRRRRR in Girl-Power!!!And so do you, Mimi!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • CrystalW
    CrystalW Member Posts: 31
    chenheart said:

    To-may-to To-mah-to!
    Mimi~
    I am smiling at you Big Time! It must be semantics...and I understand precisely what you mean. I am going to call that Determination or Resolve!!! I was just speaking about myself of course: I don't want to be known as an angry woman. Determined? YES! Couragous? YES! 50feet tall? YES! Kicking cancers A&&? YES! Just not angry...but that's me. LOL As my sweetie says, Claudia puts the GRRRRRR in Girl-Power!!!And so do you, Mimi!

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    WORDS
    Our Relay Committe had shirts made that say only "CANCER SUCKS" on them. Boy what a statement and talk about a conversation starter. I love wearing mine. It makes me feel empowered over the beast.

    Hugs to all
    Crystal
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    CrystalW said:

    WORDS
    Our Relay Committe had shirts made that say only "CANCER SUCKS" on them. Boy what a statement and talk about a conversation starter. I love wearing mine. It makes me feel empowered over the beast.

    Hugs to all
    Crystal

    Cancer sucks, indeed!!!!
    I love it! and, hey! Empowered is a great word too! LOL

    Hugs,
    Claudia