shame

Hi Angelpie

I am so sorry for what you are going through. The worst blows always seem to come from the family. I can't truthfully say that I have experienced something as bad as you have described but I had my own small version of it from my family and some friends. My brother and sister-in-law who are my only remaining immediate family took me to hospital when I had my operation and then I never saw or heard from them again during my entire treatment cycle. After treatment was finished and I was just a few months out from treatment I needed to move from my house and I asked them to come and help and my sister-in-law basically said that she couldn't because she had a life (with the implication that I didn't) and told me to get my friend who helped me through treatment to help me move. The boss at the job that I got just before I found out I had breast cancer extended my probation period as soon as she found out that I was ill and then started working at pressuring me to leave the job (I did). Most of my so-called friends disappeared as soon as I told them about the cancer including one who never did a thing for me but asked me that since I had cancer could I tell her what would be useful help for someone undergoing treatment so she could do something for her friend. From that I concluded that she hadn't considered me a friend. My world got pared down to the two people who helped during cancer treatment and frankly it hasn't grown any larger since then. Overall, the experience left me really jaded and mistrustful of people, seriously emotionally hurt and completely wrecked my self esteem. I still sometimes wonder why all of these people that I liked and believed in were not there for me when I needed them. Anyway, I am rambling and this is about you and not me. Please don't get down on yourself about what others do. There could be a lot of reasons for their reaction. Thay might be scared about accepting any responsibility; they might not know what to do or be so stressed themselves that they say stupid things; or maybe they are just self-centred ****. Just do what you need to do to get better and protect yourself and don't let them bring you down.

Other people's behavior is not something you can control. You can control the way it affects you. Tell these people what you need from them. If they are not able to provide what you need, you may need to distance yourself from them until they either change their behavior or you are stronger and can "let 'em have it". You need every bit of emotional and physical strength that you have in you for your recovery.

Remember to lean on God for strength and encouragement.

I just finished radiation two weeks ago, after going through chemo & then surgery for breast cancer. Since the time of diagnosis, my immediate family (1 brother, mother and a sister with her husband and family) have done NOTHING to help me. In fact, my mother flew to her other home and stayed there ALL duing my treatments, surgery, etc. I'm single,I had to work through all the treatments to pay the bills, and except for three very good girlfriends who have helped me get through this, there was no one to support me, mentally, through all of this, and the physical pains I've just tried to mostly ignore, although you have had so much more to deal with, going to the hospital repeatedly, etc. I can tell you that I have found that the people that are supposed to be the closest to you (like anyone would assume a mother should be) is not always how it works out - most of the time, because they are in denial of your disease, and for them to recognize that you need help would make them feel guilty that they are not doing the right thing by not helping you. So basically, they are lazy and selfcentered. Your mother should have offered to have the lawn mowed FOR you, instead of complaining it needs to be mowed. She sounds a lot like my mother! On the very first day of my very first chemo treatment, in fact, one hour before treatment, my only sister called to ask me if I had a health care proxy and did I want to be creamated or buried if there should be a problem... can you believe that! And when I ended up hanging up on her, she wrote me such a horrible nasty hateful email, and that was the first thing I saw when I got back from chemo. I haven't spoken to her again since that day, and went through all the treatments without any help from her (and she lives 15 minutes away!)AND SHE WAS A NURSE BEFORE SHE BECAME A STAY AT HOME MOM!!!! So I want you to take some comfort in knowing you are not alone in having "family" that makes you feel "shame" ... because the shame is all theirs. YOU have nothing to be ashamed about, and you should feel proud that you have handled everything as well as you can all by yourself! As for the dehydration - you really, really need to make it a habit to drink a glass of water every single hour, no matter what. Also, eating a handful of almonds or walnuts and a small piece of fruit every few hours also helps keep up your energy. I do hope you are feeling better, and please know that you are not alone in having horrible family support....just feel sorry for them, that they are so self-absorbed. We can't pick our families - and after experiences like dealing with cancer, we get a lot better at picking the people to be in our lives that are truly worthwhile of sharing our time with. There are people, unfortunately for us they are also family, that are just not mentally equipped to realize that the diagnosis of cancer doesn't end when the treatments end, it is a life-long concern we survivors have to deal with, and I think one of the things you can do is just throw it back in the face of those who tell you "you should be better by now" ... sometimes, a little aggressive behavior is just what is needed. I had to tell someone "well, when and if YOU get cancer, we'll see how you deal with it".
Good luck and God bless, and please don't feel shame .... feel empowerment for facing something so difficult and overwhelming as you're going through... and still getting through it!!!!

It isn't a surprise when you have doctors out there that minimize the effects of the treatments because most of the people do not suffer from them. There is a very small percentage of people that are that sensative to treatments and get the side effects from these drugs that often are diseases not just symptoms. I always tell people I started with one disease cancer and now have had to learn to live with many diseases the direct result of all my treatments including surgery.
It is sad but true and being grateful for our lives isn't enough. I have to say I suffered for years and found most doctors wouldn't help instead relying on antidepressants to fix the pain. More often than not they think we are all just a bunch of anxiety ridden patients who need calming but in fact they too have their own side effects to deal with. Most of us are sensative to everything out there.
Hang in there...
Know that getting quality back in your life is possible but it takes allot of hard work. We have as much responsibility as the doctors and that means exercise and nutrition are two things we can do for ourselves. I was athlete my whole life and ate right but still got cancer and now have to say after everything I am 8 year survivor who is in better shape than ever. It is possible.
Be good to yourself first,
Tara