Where to begin dating after BC.

inkblot said:

Hi Sullivan:

I'm married many years now to the love of my life, so I won't pretend that I've got any kind of handle on the situation. I would like to share what I think some of my concerns may be in a similar situation in the hopes that it may be encouraging and helpful to you in some way.

I'm 8 years older but I don't think the loops really change regarding meeting new people, so here goes:

If you're recently out of treatment, it may be that it's too soon to try to give that kind of energy to a new relationship. I say this because often there are fear issues, depression, feeling adrift without constant medical care for the first time since the dx, etc.. That's a lot to deal with and it's not easy to find healing and peace. It takes time and sustained effort. Some days it's the ole one step forward and two steps back. Then there are days of leaps and bounds forward too. These issues are very deep and emotional and as much as the love and support of our family and friends can be helpful, it's something we really have to work through ourselves and there are as many different ways of getting there as there are survivors! Bottom line is that it can be draining and exhausting.
Trying to explain all this to a new person in our lives could be difficult.

On the flip side, a new person in our lives could be a welcomed distraction, providing a respite from the effort to heal and find balance. A matter of personal choice really, based upons an individual's needs at the time.

The other issue is that I'd worry if I told all, so to speak, on the first date, then the person disappeared, I wouldn't know if it was because of my cancer or because we just didn't hit it off.
I think I'd be more comfortable not discussing it at all until I knew the person better and felt some mutual trust and respect had grown between us. Then if the guy bolts when he learns of our situation, at least it's easy to determine why, more precisely.

Concerning intimacy: If the relationship is at a point where intimacy is inevitable and you've not yet shared anything of your experience, then I think it's ok to keep it light and simply forewarn the guy that you've got a few battle scars, whether from lumpectomy or mastectomy isn't really important. If he has a problem with that, then it's just that...HIS problem, so you can probably cross him off your list and forget it.

Keep in mind that you are not compromised as a woman. Temporarily not at your best emotionally, maybe, but nontheless, dynamite! You have grown as woman, as a human being. So, if I were you, I'd just date as much as you want and consider yourself a sieve...filtering out the unwanted company...picking and choosing what YOU want and need. Worry less about the guys point of view, initially, and see how they are, with no knowledge of what you've been through/going through. That way, at least, you'll also avoid the "fix it" type. Those with sympathy to offer and a million ways they can fix you right up, etc.. Sympathy, we don't need, right? And I think that's something to consider happening if you share your experience on the first date.

I've a feeling that you'll do just fine and I understand your need for a relationship. Just decide what's best for you and go for it!

Love, light and laughter,
Ink