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how to start dating

hawk1231
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2003

I am 27 SWM trying to figure out is when I start dating do I tell them that I am a cancer survivor or wait later on in the relationship. Also what is the best way to date in todays world.

abartender's picture
abartender
Posts: 25
Joined: Mar 2003

y tell em at all ?
you cant pass cancer like a std{ sexualy transmited disease} n if u have scars tell her
if she asks , for that matter if u want 2 !!
Its been my experience that people tend to freak when they hear the BIG C word n they dont know much other than its almost always a death sentence.
if u beet the BIG C u can do anything!!!
Yours n T.C
Mark a.k.a abartender

iubymeu's picture
iubymeu
Posts: 12
Joined: Apr 2003

I agree with what abartender said in his reply. Be totaly up front with the girl. If she really loves you she will understand, etc.
When I started dating again I would let the girl know up front what happened with me and that if it ever got to the level of us going to bed, she didn't have to worry about getting pregnat because I was shooting blanks but I would still wear protection. The girl alweays understood and had respect for me for having respect for her. By the way I am a survivor, I was diagnosed in 1995 and am now coming up on my 8 yr mark of being cancer free.
If you are intrested in my story I have it here on the site.

Good Luck !!!

Peter

iubymeu's picture
iubymeu
Posts: 12
Joined: Apr 2003

Hawk I was wrong about having my story on site, I had tried to find a place to download it here but was unable to. If you want email me at casrvivr1@yahoo.com, I will be more than happy to send you a copy.

iubymeu's picture
iubymeu
Posts: 12
Joined: Apr 2003

Hawk look in expressions, type in How would you handle it??? This is my story...

Peter

jlvbsandiego
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2009

There are certain things that come up as you get to know people better. Cancer is an important thing that happened to you, but it does not define you. If you are like most people in the world, there are many other things about yourself that your date will find interesting. At the point that the relationship has the potential to turn more serious, then you mention it. In any case, when you start dating, it's best to focus on her anyway. ;)

Davepet's picture
Davepet
Posts: 92
Joined: Dec 2009

I was 20 when I had my first TC (35 years ago). In the 11 years it took to meet the right person, I found that I rarely thought about it when meeting someone new. If it looked like things might get serious, I'd sometimes mention it, just so there'd be no surprises,but nobody ever seemed to really be concerned. During that time there were even a number of "quick" relationships that I didn't say anything & they either didn't notice or didn't react.

Honestly, after the first year or two I for the most part forgot anything was missing, & it certainly didn't affect my ability to perform. So don't worry, you will figure it out as you go along. Dating is no more difficult after TC than is was before.

Dave

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Having had testicular cancer can be a real asset in terms of the perspective you bring to a relationship. I know that I was very concerned about having a dry ejaculation, but women confirmed that the absence of seminal fluid provided peace of mind for them.

Besides, people don't talk about heavy issues early in a relationship anyway. Learn to "lighten up" and have fun, you both will enjoy the experience more.

Courage and Peace of Mind!

Rick

Eric65
Posts: 122
Joined: May 2010

I think it's a personal decision, I had my "Big O" three months ago and since I have only met one Lady that showed some interest in getting to know me. As soon as I noticed that she was asking too many personal questions I chose to tell her. She seemed to have taken it well, never asked anything related to the condition and every sub-sequent question was strictly related to money or material things. I choose to tell asap, that way I don't dissappoint anybody and they don't hurt my feelings. I have found that many "friends" freaked out and became strangers after my surgery. So I think that it's more a matter of meeting the right person, which; by the way has not gotten any easier. But there's still good people out there, somewhere I'm sure.

Davepet's picture
Davepet
Posts: 92
Joined: Dec 2009

It certainly isn't any easier to meet the "right person" post TC, it really isn't any harder, either.

That has always been, & probably always will be, one of the more difficult things we try to do as human beings. Don't let your TC make you think it's more difficult for you than it is for anyone else. All human beings struggle with this, it's just natural to think being a TC survivor makes for an additional hurdle, but it really isn't a factor. The worst it does is make it obvious that there are a lot of women who aren't the "right one" for you. That's not a bad thing, IMHO.

Dave

MAFFAS
Posts: 4
Joined: May 2010

I don`t know if I`m doing this right . Is there a way to know who is curently on the site. is this the chat room? I also explored the TCRC but the stories and info seemed outdated. thanks for your help & sorry if this is not formatted correctly as I normally run heavy not computers ! mike

Davepet's picture
Davepet
Posts: 92
Joined: Dec 2009

No, this is not the chat room. Think of this like a bulletin board where you post a note for everyone to read & others post responses if they have anything to say. Conversations can take a while in this format.

The chat room is real time talking to whoever is online at the same time you are, click on the "chat" link on the left side of the page to get into the chat room.

Once in the chat room you can see who is in there, but I know of no way to see who is on the site other than that.

Hope that helps,
Dave

laurencenew
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2010

From my standpoint the problem is not whether you should tell her, it's that people rarely KNOW that cancer cannot be passed. So if the person in front of you is smart you shouldn't have a problem explaining that this is one of the things you've went through. In reality people have stronger mind after surviving so a smart girl can see this as a benefit.
I noticed that too many of us meet uneducated people because we prefer to go on the dating sites which usually attract a less educated audience.

Davepet's picture
Davepet
Posts: 92
Joined: Dec 2009

That cancer isn't contagious, at least the folks I hang with. I don't know anything about dating sites, I've had good luck at bowling alleys, though....

Dave

pottsy's picture
pottsy
Posts: 8
Joined: Nov 2007

I am 38,I had my 1st nut removed at age 29,I was TERRIFIED about dating again.If you can try to see if you can be tested to see if you still have sperm from other nut(insurance should cover it).If you do,than don't sweat it.Also if you can try to see if you can get a proth--fake one put in.If they say you have no sperm at all,when you meet the LOVE-of-YUR LIFE,tell her up front.When I met my wife to be at age 32,i told her up front and she was ok with it (but I struggle).

Jupiter2s
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2010

I don't want to be "that guy" but I have had a much different experience that most of what I have read. I had very unpleasant situations come up. On the first "lady", I told her in the date. She told me that it would take a very special lady to deal with that and left the table. I was on e a double date with two really good friends and I asked them if I had done anything that would have offended and they replied no. The 2nd "lady" I told her on the third date. She then thanked me for wasting her time and asked me to drive her home. The 3rd lady I didn't tell. We started to mess around and she noticed my "faux lefty" and freaked out! She was like what the F&*@ is this? I told her the situation. She immediately put her clothes on and left. There are more but I think I stated my case.

Side Note: It isn't the "women" I hang out with. They were all very different.

Remember that the world is not made up of understanding people. You just have to keep pushing forward through the sludge to get to those angels.

Lastly, I had a deaf girl call me half a man. I never laughed so hard. :)

Davepet's picture
Davepet
Posts: 92
Joined: Dec 2009

I don't know what to say, man, you've had some seriously bad luck with the ladies you've met. I have only known one women that knew about my situation that said anything negative, & I wasn't even dating her.

Dave

acenter's picture
acenter
Posts: 5
Joined: Aug 2010

Dave,

I could not agree more with everything you have posted on this thread, except for the bowling alley. I have never tried meeting women there.

As for the negative experiences dating, I can only agree that is some seriously bad luck. Those are some very cruel women to treat someone that way. I truly think you are better off without them. It leaves you open to finding someone better for you.

My advice: be honest, be patient, and be confident. The right woman will come around.

-Adam

Davepet's picture
Davepet
Posts: 92
Joined: Dec 2009

That's a bit of a joke, as I met my wife of 21 years by joining a bowling league way back in 1985. I also met another gal on a different league in a different city in the very late 70's & that turned into a semi-long term thing.

So when folks ask where my wife & I met, I always say "the alley" ;o)

Dave

acenter's picture
acenter
Posts: 5
Joined: Aug 2010

Haha! That is great, Dave!

filimu's picture
filimu
Posts: 74
Joined: Aug 2010

You just haven't run into the right woman, that's all...

The first words out of my late husband's mouth, when we met were "I just had prostate surgery" - I said "so?" And for 3 years we were never apart...til something even more deadly took him away from me.

Four years later, I met another wonderful man, and it turned out he'd had testicular cancer 9 years earlier - I was too busy having fun the first time we made love to notice anything missing, then afterwards I noticed the little blue radiation markers on his chest. That's when he told me about it. Again, I said "so?" And damn, if what goes around doesn't come around. 2 months after we met, I had a bad mammogram, and from there it went downhill fast. A year later, I've had 3 surgeries, and probably one more to go, and he's stuck with me through it all and taken care of me wonderfully. We're quite a set...He's missing a testicle, and I've got two fake boobs and medicine that wipes out most of my energy and sex drive, and he's so frigging understanding...I couldn't love him any more than I do if I'd had to design him from scratch!

I hope you all end up with someone special...

acenter's picture
acenter
Posts: 5
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Filimu,

It is not often you get a woman's input on testicular cancer. Thank you for your perspective and congratulations on finding such a great match! I wish you the best in your future surgery and treatment.

Adam

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

I read all the posts on here, want to say thank you to all you gentleman for being so open and allowing this female to explore your posts. I know this post may not be for here, but your comments on your health , life dating and so on reflects the way I feel. I would like to date again, find someone to understand my "scars" from surgery. How to approach it, what would the date do if opened up with hi " survivor here", or tell my story. I imagine him walking away from me, me being hurt. Not much more can say other than good luck in your search for the right understanding lady , and I'll continue to wait for my perfect to come around.

Davepet's picture
Davepet
Posts: 92
Joined: Dec 2009

You do not open up with "I'm a survivor" you meet & date people just like non-survivors. It's only when it looks like a relationship might be forming that you fill in the blanks. I've never had anyone back away & I'm a 35 year survivor from my first TC & I got some serious scars....

Dave

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

I appreciate your answer and will take respect in knowing it came from a survivor as well. Thank you and hopefully if I am blessed to find someone, when time comes for it to be serious he doesn't get scared and walk away..... Thank you again!

Davepet's picture
Davepet
Posts: 92
Joined: Dec 2009

If he gets scared & walks away, he wasn't the right person for you to begin with, now was he? Think of your cancer experience as a filter that gets rid of guys you don't need to waste your time on.Nobody worth a second look will walk away just because you had cancer.

Dave

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

I appreciate answers coming from you male survivors. Its not easy to be the person on the other end of this infact had a date, well with another couple present the other nite. Nothing personal came up between us, he was nice man, very quiet , shy. We'll be getting together again in couple weeks for a yard bon fire party and maybe we'll see how it goes from there. He doesn't seem to be a man that may run for the hills, this remains to be seen. If it happens to much might want to date someeone that is a survivor.......
Thanx again for your experience and time......Bless you!

CelticGoddess
Posts: 11
Joined: May 2011

I am a single breast cancer survivor, and I am facing the dating problem, too. I'm here to get the male perspective on this, but you made a good point--what about dating other survivors? At least we would understand each other in that respect. What do you think? Should we create a dating Board/page/site just for cancer survivors? We could call it "Cancer Couples"! LOL

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