Mar 29, 2002 - 6:25 pm
O.k. I am no longer scared. I went through that already. People have been wonderful and caring and have come out of the woodwork for me. I never knew how truly loved I was. I am having a problem though. I don't think I am taking this as serious as I should. I did Chemo and the most I can say about that is that I have had worse hang overs. I am doing the radiation and besides a swollen throat, I'm not really that sick. Are the treatments working on me? Shouldn't I be coughing up blood or something? I'm looking at this like it's just a bad cold. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Am I in denial. I don't like learning about the disease because that just depresses the shit out of me. I am in limited stage by the way with lymph involvement. Should I be having this laizzes-faire attitude toward this or should I be searching high and low for answers and clinical trials and paying thousands of dollars on all these "miracle" herbs they have out there? Or should I trust in my medical team and hold strong in my belief that all this is just going to go away soon? Am I setting myself up for dissapointment? I want to go to junior high's and talk to kids about smoking but that would involve finding out info on my disease and I just can't face it. I have a little girl. I just got away from the father and have no insurance. My dad just died in November from lung cancer(I didn't know at the time that I too had it.) And left me a little inheritance. I've been trying to get rid of it so I can apply for medicaid but I'm afraid I've been caught. I put some in a trust for Maggie but what should I do with the rest? Buy a plot and marker or pay for all this shit? I'm very bitter still sometimes. Irony is all over me. Any thoughts?