How do I stop my brother from canceling his vacation

Still going to be there...

Cancun is still going to be there for a lot of spring breaks, not to mention after college graduation when there are no more spring breaks, only vacations. 

You, as you say, aren't planning on going anywhere soon.  But here's where you're different than Mexico.  Your brother gets the Mexico thing.  I imagine there have been times when you were growing up that he stood up for you, took you under his wing, protected you.  Even if you had a whiney streak once in a while, you were his little brother and always around.  Now your mother told him "cancer" and that's probably all he heard. When people say "cancer," we realize that -- even if we're young -- our lives may certainly last a while, but our time is finite on this planet.  So of course he's upset.  Not to mention, way back before there were treatments for leukemia (and there was no "chronic"), people who got it were pretty much goners and boy-oh-boy the the movies play up THAT way to go. So that kind of the-way-it-was 50 and 60 and 70 year-old stuff only adds a reason to be upset (even if the reasons aren't valid in 2017).   

What can you do?  When he comes to visit over spring break, have some cool things to suggest you do that will fit in with your schedule.  Also, have some information for him to read about your treatment in specific as well as how it's handled in general. If you're artistic, make a poster. If you're creative, make a Jeopardy game that's about your treatment and stuff you like to do and silly stuff. If you're neither of those or just aren't into making the effort, have a sack full of pamphlets or printouts (the American Cancer Society has some nice PDFs) plus a list of things you want to tell him. You can make it into a list of "Ten Reasons You're Going to Be Stuck with Me for a Bunch Longer" or something like that. Let him have some space to cry if he needs to, even if it's awkward for you. He's wanting to be with you because he cares about you. You probably know what he does when he feels overwhelmed (Play video games for hours, sleep a lot, eat junk food, watch TV, play or listen to music), and realize that he may need some space to do some of that (as might you). You aren't "making" him upset, any more than you can "make" him go to Mexico (or he can "make" you agree how he wants and needs to come and see you is your #1 choice for how he spends spring break). It's a choice.  Tough stuff, this dealing with other humans sometimes. 

BTW, that's a heck of an honor, to pick you over Mexico, which of course may be awkward for you, too.  But it's cool when you think about it. 

Keep us posted how it's going --

Jerzy

PS A theme we often repeat on one of the forums I'm on is that "We're not DYING from cancer, we're LIVING with cancer." Big difference. 

This Happened To My Brother

Hi Caliban,

I'm very sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  I really hope all goes well!  It is good to see that you have a caring family and support network -- don't hesitate to be honest with them about what you want, are feeling, and are going through.  In my experience, talking about my emotions once I am ready to is the best way to cope (if you don't feel comfortable talking to your family member, post here!)

Onto your specific situation with your brother: I was actually on the other side of that 2 years ago.  My younger brother was diagnosed with Non-Hodkins Lymphoma, and I was doing an internship half-way across the world (I had about a month left when he got diagnosed).

The first three days were VERY hard.  I would break out into tears randomly, and I was really conflicted about what I should do.  On one hand, I felt like I should be there to support my brother and family.  On another hand, I knew it would be expensive to change my flight, plus I was having a large impact on underserved communities through this internship (I was developing technology for a non-profit school for the blind and deaf).  And I wouldn't want to fly back, only to realize that my parents and their friends already have everything "under control" and I wasn't really needed.  I was in daily communication with my parents, but I was never sure if they were giving me the full picture, or making it sound better than it was so that I wouldn't end my internship early.

Eventually, I decided to stay.  What helped me A LOT was talking to my younger brother directly and seeing pictures of him.  That helped me realize that the situation was not as bad as I had imagined in my mind, and he was in fabulous hands with my parents and his doctors.  I also realized that there were ways I could support my younger brother and my parents even if I wasn't there: by talking to them regularly on the phone and helping them handle their emotions, by taking on the responsibility of updating other family members and friends (as opposed to them calling my already-busy parents), and making a collage for my younger brother with pictures of him smiling, doing what he loved, hanging out with friends, etc.

When I did get back home, I realized that there is no such thing as "too much support" - I can always find ways to make myself useful.  Do I regret continuing my internship for a month after my brother was diagnosed? No.  Do I wish I could have been with him all along? Yes, but life does not always work in ideal ways.

I am still in college, and I know that if my younger brother was diagnosed now I would definetely go back home every break I could (I am also much closer to home - only a 5 hour flight away instead of a 24 hour flight).  It must also be hard for your brother to study, when most of his thoughts are probably occupied by you.  I would suggest finding ways for your brother and you to mutually support each other even when you are apart: you ask him how he is feeling, console him as necessary, but also feel free to seek out his support and discuss your emotions with him as necessary.  Also, neither of you should feel obligated to talk about cancer all the time: talking about other interests is the best way to remind each other that not "too much" has changed.

Feel free to share this post with your brother, and you and he are welcome to reach out to me via CSN email.  Also keep us posted when you can - we are all here for you!