looking for advice

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lk
lk Member Posts: 6
in Colorectal Cancer #1

Help. My husband has been fighting strong against stage 4 colon cancer. It has been tough, but he has been remarkable in fighting this. He is so strong for three years. But now he got an idea that I am cheating on him and it is eating him alive. I am not cheating in him, but nothing I say makes him believe me. I am fearful the stress if him thinking I did this is going to make his health worse. Help please

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  • DaveHereInFlorida
    DaveHereInFlorida Member Posts: 48
    #2
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    Remind him of the wedding vows you said and meant .  Give him lots of support and  closeness during this time.... he is weakened emotionally and many bad thoughts can enter his Mind.  Keep on reassuring him of your faithful love and dedication to him. 

  • lk
    lk Member Posts: 6
    #3
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    DaveHereInFlorida said:

    Remind him of the wedding vows you said and meant .  Give him lots of support and  closeness during this time.... he is weakened emotionally and many bad thoughts can enter his Mind.  Keep on reassuring him of your faithful love and dedication to him. 

    Thank you.   It's pretty bad

    Thank you.   It's pretty bad right now and I am extremely wotried about his health being affected.

  • Cazz
    Cazz Member Posts: 106
    #4
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    lk said:

    Thank you.   It's pretty bad

    Thank you.   It's pretty bad right now and I am extremely wotried about his health being affected.

    lk

    I hate to be a downer, but if your husband is that obsessive and adamant and this is a new behavior for him, I would talk to his doctor about the possibility of a brain met and see if a scan would be called for.  Otherwise, I have no idea how you can ever prove a negative - i.e. that you didn't have an affair and I really feel for you finding yourself in this situation.

    Hang in there.

     

  • lp1964
    lp1964 Member Posts: 1,239 Member
    #5
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    Dear Friend,

    Cancer and the treatment can be extremely hard on the person and the couple. Unfortunately my marriage greatly suffered from it. I can't give you any specific advise only suggestions. 

    Treat him like the man of the household not like a patient. Tease him challenge him with his problems and his illness. Men like challenge and they want to live up to it. 

    Men are bad verbal communicators. We communicate with actions. Don't tell him you love him or care for him. Show him with actions almost without saying anything. That's what we understand.

    Give him alone time and space. We want to feel free. 

    Wish you good luck with your treatment and marriage.

     

    Laz

  • John23
    John23 Member Posts: 2,122 Member
    #6
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    Relationships and other matters

    For a guy, not being able to perform to expectations is a major problem. That problem often occurs after any toxic chemical administration.

    Yeah, it's a problem.... The guy blames the possibility of there being some sort of an "outside force" and you don't know how to prove it wrong...

    You don't have to. You just have to spend more time showing how interested in HIM you are. He needs reinsurance that he still retained his masculinity, It's not much different than a gal with a mastectomy.... There are emotions that can't be easily controlled, and having an understanding partner can go a long way!

    The problem with "Chemo", is that you really can't safely get too close. The toxins can effect anyone that comes into contact with a patient undergoing Chemo therapy. You have the right to remain safe. And you should (or a nurse/physician should) make that point to your spouse. But showing a great interest and actually performing, are two different things. You'll have to figure that out and work that out. We're all different, and what works for one, doesn't necessarily work well for another.

    The spouse is worried about dying and the loss of masculinity (or femanality ?).

    It will take some work, and the problem isn't uncommon. It usually results in divorce, and no one outside the "circle" truly understands. There's a "blame game" involved among those that that felt closer to one or another, and not much you can do about that.

    The beginning of life is as much as a life changing event as the end of it.

    We all have to go through it sooner or later.

    My best wishes and hopes for you through this tough debacle.

    Stay strong and be healthy!

    John

  • lk
    lk Member Posts: 6
    #7
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    lp1964 said:

    Dear Friend,

    Cancer and the treatment can be extremely hard on the person and the couple. Unfortunately my marriage greatly suffered from it. I can't give you any specific advise only suggestions. 

    Treat him like the man of the household not like a patient. Tease him challenge him with his problems and his illness. Men like challenge and they want to live up to it. 

    Men are bad verbal communicators. We communicate with actions. Don't tell him you love him or care for him. Show him with actions almost without saying anything. That's what we understand.

    Give him alone time and space. We want to feel free. 

    Wish you good luck with your treatment and marriage.

     

    Laz

    Very good advice.   I will.

    Very good advice.   I will.

  • lk
    lk Member Posts: 6
    #8
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    John23 said:

    Relationships and other matters

    For a guy, not being able to perform to expectations is a major problem. That problem often occurs after any toxic chemical administration.

    Yeah, it's a problem.... The guy blames the possibility of there being some sort of an "outside force" and you don't know how to prove it wrong...

    You don't have to. You just have to spend more time showing how interested in HIM you are. He needs reinsurance that he still retained his masculinity, It's not much different than a gal with a mastectomy.... There are emotions that can't be easily controlled, and having an understanding partner can go a long way!

    The problem with "Chemo", is that you really can't safely get too close. The toxins can effect anyone that comes into contact with a patient undergoing Chemo therapy. You have the right to remain safe. And you should (or a nurse/physician should) make that point to your spouse. But showing a great interest and actually performing, are two different things. You'll have to figure that out and work that out. We're all different, and what works for one, doesn't necessarily work well for another.

    The spouse is worried about dying and the loss of masculinity (or femanality ?).

    It will take some work, and the problem isn't uncommon. It usually results in divorce, and no one outside the "circle" truly understands. There's a "blame game" involved among those that that felt closer to one or another, and not much you can do about that.

    The beginning of life is as much as a life changing event as the end of it.

    We all have to go through it sooner or later.

    My best wishes and hopes for you through this tough debacle.

    Stay strong and be healthy!

    John

    Thank you.  Very helpful.  

    Thank you.  Very helpful.  

  • lk
    lk Member Posts: 6
    #9
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    Cazz said:

    lk

    I hate to be a downer, but if your husband is that obsessive and adamant and this is a new behavior for him, I would talk to his doctor about the possibility of a brain met and see if a scan would be called for.  Otherwise, I have no idea how you can ever prove a negative - i.e. that you didn't have an affair and I really feel for you finding yourself in this situation.

    Hang in there.

     

    I will keep this in mind.

    I will keep this in mind.  Thank you.

  • beaumontdave
    beaumontdave Member Posts: 1,280 Member
    #10
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    It's hard to battle late

    It's hard to battle late stage cancer and feel desirable to your partner. Cuddle up and hold him close, if he lets you, otherwise see if the docs can prescribe something for stress, suggest counciling for both, and try to have patience with him, he needs you.......................................Dave

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