Tyranny of Positivity
So husband and I decided to take advantage of some counseling sessions to help with anxiety, negative loop thinking, etc. We are actually doing pretty well, but figured it couldn't hurt, and why not? So yesterday the psychologist said something I found pretty interesting...she said sometimes you have to deal with the "tyranny of positivity" and she talked about the pressure you have to always be positive. Her point was, it's tough to always be positive...especially when people come up to you and blithely ask, "How's it going?" or make statements like "You look great" when you really feel like crap. People expect you to say positive things, even though you may not feel so wonderful at the time.
One of the things I worried about was that, at times, I felt like my husband didn't fully buy into the belief that he could be cured, and that that would somehow hinder his ability to beat cancer. You see, I am one of those people who are naturally positive and optimistic - and he's not. Mind you, I think there is a difference between between being a blindly positive, rah-rah person, and being someone who acknowledges the bad and looks for silver linings...which I what I do a lot.
Of course I speak of this from the caregiver's point of view. I'm interested in what you all think of this concept and how you view positivity - both from those around you, and how you USE it to help you.
Barbara
Comments
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Positivity
To tell you I was positive throughout my surgery and treatment, would be a lie. To everyone's face, I put on a smile and was ready with the positive answers.." I'm fine", "doing good", etc. Deep down there were thoughts of am I going to survive this, will I ever be somewhat "normal" again, why me, and lots of silent prayers.
It takes time, for me, at least 2 years to start leaving the negative thoughts behind and start believing, I think I'm going to be okay. Every trip for therepy, scopes,checkups was filled with terror, now, 4 years 10 months out, my beloved surgeon telling me " the cancer's gone, it's not coming back"~~now, I can say positivity has replaced all my doubts.
To say, I never have a moment of what ifs is fibbing, but, all and all, with the help of my awesome husband, my caregiver, my rock~~I'm enjoying life, looking forward to a long healthy future, and thinking positive .
Best of luck to you two, as you travel this road together
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This is a great subject!
So many times since I first heard those dreaded words, I take deep dark falls from positivity....and for me, I seem to get less positive as time goes by...I'm constantly aware that the shoe could drop any minute. That being said, I fight hard on a daily basis to "send" the bad thoughts on a hike....Like you, Barb....I too have something inside me that has me thinking that if I give in to negative thinking, that if I don't fully believe I am cured...that cancer is waiting to jump on in and take over....so when I go into the dark place, I get even more scared. That's probably hogwash...but I can't seem to send that one on a hike. All that being said, tho....I tend to see a bright side a lot of things....and a whole lot of humor in most things.
Today I woke up knowing that I'm in a wait mode over the lymph node, and made a decision that it is going to be nothing....I tried to use logic....like, I don't have anything that I can feel going on, on that side of my head that is new....and God knows, I do a mental check every day when I wake up...LOL.
As far as other people go....I know they honestly don't know what to say....and there are times, too....that I think we actually look better than we think we do, or they thought we would....I've seen those lists of things "not to say to a cancer patient", and I think they're bunk....it all depends on the person being addressed. Mild aquaintances, and light friends....don't know us well enough to know what to say...and those close to us probably wouldn't tell us we look great when we look awful....they'd probably just say nothing about how we look, they're just glad we're there.
p
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I have been called a Negative person.........
I don't see my self as being negative but being more of a realist. I do prepaid for the worst and then can't be disapointed to a point. If you have the very best doctor in the world and you do not believe or have faith in him he will not cure you, as I believe you have to have faith and trust in him as so much is up to you in the healing process.
My Great aunt broak her upper leg at the age of 80 and the doctors and all of my family said it was bad and she would never walk again. I was 12 and I said she would walk and was told no she won't. Now she also belived might be the stubborn Irish in her as she was 100%. She ask if I would bring my jumprope to her so she could rase the heavy cast on her leg. In was just below the hip all the way to the foot and she was bed ridden in the hospital. Well I did and she would use it to rase her leg. I was the only one to really believe in her and I was also the only one she let sign her snow white cast. Just my nane in BIG letters. Not only did she walk, she drove her car until 86 when she helt it was time for her too stop, but walked until she passed at almost 90. She believed in herself.My wife has been disabled five years after we were maired and has fibrositis so bad they said she would be confined to a wheelchair, that was almost 30 years ago and she would not give up and exersized when they told her not to as with the other conditions it could cripple her as her muscles and tendions were involved as well. She also had the main nerve severed in her leg and was nunb forn the knee down. She did not listen, and she would do some mild martial arts with me and mostly just kick me. The nerve rerouted and she got all the feeling back and she has not needed a wheelchair. She walks every day two miles and rides a bycicle five miles. She believed.
I had lost lost of weight from 152 down to 126 and coughing up onces of blood and was gray in color. I worked with 250+ people and only two thought I would make it because I said I would. Counting myself, Doctor, wife, and only two other persons belived in me that I would get through this. My Son and brother, father in law all thought my wife should get prepaired that I would not make it because my copd was bad and now cancer. But I believed. Yes I was scared and even had my priest give me kinda last rights. I even had the nurse assinged to me from my insurance ask if I was putting on a front for my family. I told her no, I will get through this and be back to work in 10 weeks on Dec 16, and I was. I did my research and knew the doctor I wanted and had total faith in. I did pray, but not to be healed. I prayed to just have the strength to handle what was comming. Going into surgery I was T4;N2; M0. My prayers were answered, he believed in me too. I was only T3; N0;M0, and never needed chemo or radiation. I lost my voice but they put in a prosthesis and I can still talk. So for me believing in yourself and having a positive attitude, and being able to accept what has happened does matter. It has been proven many times to me. I knew in my heart I would get through this, but I also had everything taken care of in case I was wrong. My will and a paper which told my wife and son where everything they would need to get to, and all passwords and I even had my own obituary written out, where all that was needed was the date. Like I said I am a realist and might have been wrong.
I hope this has helped in some way.
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Wow, I googled that term..........
It talks about depression and how so much of america is on them, which is true in some cases. There things that will depress everyone [with any feelings] such as a Major illness, or loss of a loved one. That is NORMAL feelings and most will get a little depressed and should if they have feelings. First there way too many doctors that will say you seem depressed. Well of course you are if you just lost someone. It doesn't mean you need meds for it. Everyone deals with greef different and some takes a little longer that others. Many will take a mild antidepresant when they fight cancer or have panic attack. After my surgery I was fine with breathing through my neck and even was breathing better. However my COPD flaired way up and through me into a panic attact while at work. Everyone said I was turning gray in color and breathing was very rapid, 125 setting at my computer doing nothing. I went streight to my doctor and he sent me to the ER. The problem with having an attack is you feel you can't breath or get enought air, which gets the adrenaline going and up goes the heart rate and rapid breathing so there goes more adrenaline and the circle starts. I have learned ways to controll it, but I do have to take a mild Xanax for it. I have to work harder than most becaues of COPD just to breath and it can be hard on the heart but I have been tested and it is very good, just fast.
The other thing they talked about is when someone ask, "how you doing". They don't mean it as it was just something to say. This is excluding good friends that really do care. People want to hear that you are ok, even if you arn't. When you get a major illness most people just can't or won't want to hear about it as it makes them uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. You will also notice some "friends" will drift away and just slowley disappear. Now your true friends will be there without ever asking them and when they ask, how are you doing they really want to know as they do care. I don't blame the ones that drift away even tho it can hurt when you have known them ever since you were five. Yes that has happened to me. My longest and what I would call best friend. My wife was very sick so we had nothing to talk about that would not depress him, so he just driffed away.
Sometimes it is also easier to talk to a stranger than a family member. You don't want to worry the family. I did not like the term and I would watch her, and what she says.
Bill
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Thanks, Billwmc said:Wow, I googled that term..........
It talks about depression and how so much of america is on them, which is true in some cases. There things that will depress everyone [with any feelings] such as a Major illness, or loss of a loved one. That is NORMAL feelings and most will get a little depressed and should if they have feelings. First there way too many doctors that will say you seem depressed. Well of course you are if you just lost someone. It doesn't mean you need meds for it. Everyone deals with greef different and some takes a little longer that others. Many will take a mild antidepresant when they fight cancer or have panic attack. After my surgery I was fine with breathing through my neck and even was breathing better. However my COPD flaired way up and through me into a panic attact while at work. Everyone said I was turning gray in color and breathing was very rapid, 125 setting at my computer doing nothing. I went streight to my doctor and he sent me to the ER. The problem with having an attack is you feel you can't breath or get enought air, which gets the adrenaline going and up goes the heart rate and rapid breathing so there goes more adrenaline and the circle starts. I have learned ways to controll it, but I do have to take a mild Xanax for it. I have to work harder than most becaues of COPD just to breath and it can be hard on the heart but I have been tested and it is very good, just fast.
The other thing they talked about is when someone ask, "how you doing". They don't mean it as it was just something to say. This is excluding good friends that really do care. People want to hear that you are ok, even if you arn't. When you get a major illness most people just can't or won't want to hear about it as it makes them uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. You will also notice some "friends" will drift away and just slowley disappear. Now your true friends will be there without ever asking them and when they ask, how are you doing they really want to know as they do care. I don't blame the ones that drift away even tho it can hurt when you have known them ever since you were five. Yes that has happened to me. My longest and what I would call best friend. My wife was very sick so we had nothing to talk about that would not depress him, so he just driffed away.
Sometimes it is also easier to talk to a stranger than a family member. You don't want to worry the family. I did not like the term and I would watch her, and what she says.
Bill
I never googled the term. I just understood the phrase in the context that she used it - meaning the pressure to be positive all the time when discussing your illness. I also wonder if my husband feels additional pressure because he is the chief medical officer at the institution where he is being treated...and has been used in ad campaigns for said hospital. I wouldn't want him to have to feel like he has to be Mr. Positivity Poster Boy for the hospital all the time because it could be draining.
He and I have a strong enough relationship that it can withstand all the negative stuff cancer can throw at us, so we pretty much do share honest feelings and thoughts, which is a relief for both of us.
I guess I am just curious as to how others feel about being positive and whether they ever feel pressure to be positive, and how they utilize (or don't) positivity.
Barbara
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Positivity
This topic just came up the other day when I was talking to one of the nurses at my cancer center. Usually my attitude is pretty optimistic and I feel very grateful to have come through treatment with only minor issues, but when the oncolgist wanted a PET scan to check for recurrance, my resolve to stay positive definitely wavered. I've been volunteering to talk to newly diagnosed H&N patients and feel pressure to be upbeat to quell their fears. I try to stay positive for my husband and one of our children, since both are disabled and depend on me for so much. I was also a teacher at a Christian high school when I was diagnosed, so there's pressure to be a model for my former students. My faith is strong, but the uncertainty of the time between now and Heaven is my biggest hurdle. One of my best friends has been a godsend. She's been through cancer and I am able to talk about everything with her. I think we provide mutual therapy!
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Phranniephrannie51 said:This is a great subject!
So many times since I first heard those dreaded words, I take deep dark falls from positivity....and for me, I seem to get less positive as time goes by...I'm constantly aware that the shoe could drop any minute. That being said, I fight hard on a daily basis to "send" the bad thoughts on a hike....Like you, Barb....I too have something inside me that has me thinking that if I give in to negative thinking, that if I don't fully believe I am cured...that cancer is waiting to jump on in and take over....so when I go into the dark place, I get even more scared. That's probably hogwash...but I can't seem to send that one on a hike. All that being said, tho....I tend to see a bright side a lot of things....and a whole lot of humor in most things.
Today I woke up knowing that I'm in a wait mode over the lymph node, and made a decision that it is going to be nothing....I tried to use logic....like, I don't have anything that I can feel going on, on that side of my head that is new....and God knows, I do a mental check every day when I wake up...LOL.
As far as other people go....I know they honestly don't know what to say....and there are times, too....that I think we actually look better than we think we do, or they thought we would....I've seen those lists of things "not to say to a cancer patient", and I think they're bunk....it all depends on the person being addressed. Mild aquaintances, and light friends....don't know us well enough to know what to say...and those close to us probably wouldn't tell us we look great when we look awful....they'd probably just say nothing about how we look, they're just glad we're there.
p
Phrannie, I prayed for you during the PET scan today. We're going to be okay!
Beth
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Tyranny - or cock-eyed optimist?
I read your post with delight and somewhat saddness as my situation is roughly the exact opposite of yours. I was the patient, the optimistic one who knew deep inside that even after the discovery of the primary on the base of my tongue - isn't that a rush when the ENT says "I think it is malignant" - that I was going to be just fine. Sure, I'd be sick, in those first few days all I knew of cancer treatments is that I'd be sick and have pain, but even still, I was going to be fine.
My wife on the other hand, my caregiver, was much more negative, she has a tendency to go to the most negative places, I swear she wrote me off more than once in this most challenging of journeys. Even to this day she's terrified of any of my doctor visits, that they'll find a recurrence, or something worse. All I need to do is cough and she's "are you alright" and you can hear the fear in her voice. It gets very daunting at times.
I've read commentaries that being positive, having a positive attitude can help drive the healing process, I've read studies that finds no links either, but I can't help but wonder if there is some innate sense in an individual that tells them what their outcome might be regardless of what challenge they face. Did some inner clue tell me that I'd be fine and that drove my rampant optimism, or did my positiveness drive my 'success' during treatment. I have no idea but I walk through life with a positive attitude, I firmly believe that every 'cloud' that intrudes into our lives has a silver lining, you just have to find it.
Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book "The Power of Thinking Without Thinking", it hit the market in 2005 and in it he describes peoples abilities to "know" something without ever having any real indication. I've seen in when I've watched sports events, saw that a play would score even before they ball was thrown. I have no idea how I knew, but I knew it just the same. I knew I'd be a survivor.
At this point I"m 3-1/2 years out of completing treatments,(stage IV-a) my check ups continue to be clear, so much so that my ENT moved me from their regular practice to what they're calling their "survivor's clinic". I was very pleased to hear them say that, so at this point, unless something really odd crops up, no more scans, no more scoping, just a check up and an annual chest x-ray.
It may sound corrny as hell, but I do believe that attitude is everything in life.
I read a piece by Francie Baltazar-Shwartz simply titled "Attitude is Everything" many years ago and it summed up my outlook on life and anything and everything that has happened in it.
Find it here - http://www.spiritual-endeavors.org/inspirational-stories/attitude-is-everything.htm
I am a twin so when someone asks me how I'm doing, I can't really say "if I were any better I'd be twins", so I simply say
"fine as frog hair and as rare as chicken lips"
Positive does work....
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I surround myself with positive people
Barbara,
I received my diagnosis over the phone from my ENT surgeon. After several minutes of spinning out of control I realized there were only 2 choices. Fight or die. Since I really want to continue living I decided to let friends and family know what I was up against and that to join me on the journey there was only one requirement, You have to be positive and never dwell on the downside. I call my support group my "tribe" and to be a member you have to bring joy, laughter and a positive outlook around me. I know that having dark thoughts or panic about treatment, outcome or relapse will be there but to have the ability to see the good and focus on what you can control is what will get you through the tough times. I am a newbie to this and have not even had my surgery yet so the real test is still waiting for me. All I can say is that I will do my best to stay positive and surround myself with those that can keep me focused moving towards health. I don't know what the odds are on recovery or survival rates for my condition, I don't even want to know. I learned that the odds really don't matter, everyone is different and their journey is their own so don't compare yourself to anyone else. I hope to stay positive and not waiver as I progress on this path. As far as comments from others and dealing with what is asked or said, I don't really take offense at anything as I know that anyone asking is doing so from a good place and may not know what to say. Until my diagnosis I really would not know how to act either, really I still don't know LOL. Being positive isn't easy for some and it is definitely a learned behavior for me. I read a lot and that has helped me take a more positive outlook. Some of the authors that have been very helpful are: Dr Norman Vincent Peale, Og Mandino, Tony Robbins, Zig Ziggler, Dennis Waitely, Steven Covey and many others.
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This isn't related to what
This isn't related to what you asked but what about all the new treatments for cancer that are in the news. Isn't there any of them that you husband thinks might help people with head and neck cancer?
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Awesome thought process
I've been struggling with the positivity thing. I've also been called negative but I call myself a realist. I want to worry ahead of time and know all the possible outcomes so I can be prepared...haha. Sometimes before this diagnosis I would tell people how I really felt when they said how are you? I'd say pretty **** today....or my head is killing me today but I'm making it. The look on their faces!!!I'm a nurse and I've spent a good bit of time trying to figure out where my Nembutal 100 mg x 100 is going to come from so that if I get terminal I can decide when to die. The other part of the time I think I can beat this... I wish I was one of those IM GOING TO FIGHT!! people. sigh
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I will add one more thing.......
The nurse that was assigned to me, and several people have asked me one question. Why I never went through the stage where you ask, why me, why did I get cancer or this happened to me. I told her I smoked is most likely why, but it really doesn't matter why does it. What matters is, what am I going to do about it. The why dosen't matter and it sure won't help you any. Yes I was scared, yes I thought I could mot make it with knowing I have had it for about a year and the amount of blood that I coughed up turned my son pail white the time he saw it, it must have been 1 to 2 onces [30ml - 60ml]. The coughing was getting worse by the day. I just knew if they cut this tumor out, I would be fine.
I had accepted it going into surgery I was going to have my voice taken from me. I might loose my thyroid gland, but I have taken that for 50 years so if they removed it that is no big deal. I knew what they were going to do in surgery and how long it could go. I would just sleep through it. I knew that most likely I would wake up in ICU and be there a few days. I went right to my room and no ICU. I didn't look foward to going through chemo or radiation, but if that was what it takes ok. I had my hair cut short [to me it was short as I had a 9" ponytail] well more of a shorter cut. The research said you loose more hair if it is long. Have no Idea it that is even true. So in short what do I belive.
Accept it, never give up, fight and do what they tell you and more, believe, and be honest if you hurt or scared admit it don't lie to yourself, and prayers don't hurt ether. I never put on a false persona for anyone.
Bill
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Being positive
Since I had this 2nd cancer last year - I always tried to remain upbeat and positive - when people asked me how I was doing.
Always saying "Okay" and "doing fine". But I really wasn't. My husband always got on my case about that - "You are not okay" and "You are not doing fine". It took a lot for me to finally tell other people how I really feel.
I had a total laryngectomy - and use an EL to speak. I hate it. There - I said it. (I wrote on the WebWhispers FB page about this yesterday.)
I hate that I can't just talk. I hate that I get tired all the time - and can only work parttime (I need the other days to "rest" up.
Anyway - I feel better - we don't have to be positive all the time - and its probably healthier that we really let people know what is going on - especially the ones we care about and the ones that care about us.
Lorna 2007 & 2014
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my take
I guess I am just curious as to how others feel about being positive and whether they ever feel pressure to be positive, and how they utilize (or don't) positivity.
The way I view and live this topic is having a jar of quarters, each one represents some amount of life - the total being my time remaining on earth. When negative events occur leaving me totally pissed and angry, I immediately look at my jar, grab a coin, grasp it tightly, then ponder whether it is worth throwing it afar or returning it. After a moment or two or three or ... I come to the realization it is far better to keep my jar full rather than letting my negative moment make my jar less full.
Doing this ensures the day never arrives where I am holding an empty jar wondering if those neagative moments were worth it.
Life is precious and limited - each moment better spent feeling good and positive about life than spent feeling bad, angry, scared, anxious, or negative.
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MrsBD said:
Positivity
This topic just came up the other day when I was talking to one of the nurses at my cancer center. Usually my attitude is pretty optimistic and I feel very grateful to have come through treatment with only minor issues, but when the oncolgist wanted a PET scan to check for recurrance, my resolve to stay positive definitely wavered. I've been volunteering to talk to newly diagnosed H&N patients and feel pressure to be upbeat to quell their fears. I try to stay positive for my husband and one of our children, since both are disabled and depend on me for so much. I was also a teacher at a Christian high school when I was diagnosed, so there's pressure to be a model for my former students. My faith is strong, but the uncertainty of the time between now and Heaven is my biggest hurdle. One of my best friends has been a godsend. She's been through cancer and I am able to talk about everything with her. I think we provide mutual therapy!
0
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