Need some feedback

Hello Everyone,

Let me say ahead of this post that I feel like a real Pansy compared to you women out there who have really had to find out they had this cancer and then had to fight and fight living in the unknown after each new step until NED and even after that to some extent.  I will also apologize ahead of time if I sound like a whiner or a big baby or whatever.

Last time I posted it was about whether or not I needed to continue to have a GYN after clear pathology.  Something that has been on my mind about this experience that is really bothering me, perhaps unreasonablely, I really need some input here.  Right now I kind of look at this as "the horrible gift that wasn't really there"  So in my last post when I said my pathology was clear, I meant CLEAR CLEAR like nothing.  My pap showed Adenocarcinoma not plain ol' abnormal cells or dysplasia only the word adenocarcinoma was used in describing these cells.  In the separate cone biopsy and then total hysterectomy pathology showed nothing abnormal.  They did find one 2cm fibroid.  Other than that perfectly healthy ovaries, uterus, and tubes.

 When I talk about the orginal PAP I need to clairify that I was so flabergasted by its findings that I went and met with the pathologist and looked through a microscope with the pathologist at the actual slide with those cells and had him explain what set them apart from healthy cells and it was not difficult to see why I was being sent to a GYN ONC.

Then I had the cone biopsy and they found....nothing...not even abnormal cells.  Then the total Hysterectomy...nothing, not even anything slightly abnormal.  

Here is the tricky part for me.  I am so thankful that there was nothing there to stage...at all.  Reading the stories of the women here have helped me to appreciate that all the more.  I spent from the end of January living with a realization the the surgery could reveal in situ to some kind of high stage.  The GYN ONC said if nothing else the expectation was for some abnormal cells and based on the slide that I saw for me at 51 years old the total hysterectomy was a completely good route to go.  But being told there was nothing found was a bit of a WTF moment.  As you all know more than anyone would know, I spent a lot of time wavering between fear and bravery. I joked about it some.  Tried to calmly evaluate my life and what is important to me, told my daughters what was going on, tried to live in the future even though I didn't know what was going to happen. You know the processes our minds go through.

In general it sucked...but that was also the gift.  I got to rethink my life and it wasnt a drill.  It was the real thing and I had to wait and wait to find out what was going on in my body.  I was forced to take time to think.  I was forced to realize that really every moment for everyone is the unknow.  That even now as I and the docs. consider my body cancer free I am still living in the unknown.  For those lessons I am thankful.

It is my understanding from a few doctors that this is extremely unusual...like they have never experienced it with a patient.  It is a mystery.  In my mind there are very few scientific answers to this outcome, and many of them a stretch beyond reasonable.  Have any of you heard of anything like this happening?  In my last visit with my GYN ONC I asked her if this just happens sometimes and she said "not really"  I feel like a Big whiner for even bringing this up or for even struggling with this outcome.  In so many ways I feel like I should just cut my losses benefit from the gift of having to go through the process.  At the same time I feel like there is a mystery to be solved.  I have also wondered if those cells on the Pap test slide were mine or if there was some kind of mix up as the test moved through the OBGYN office and to pathology.  Based on the slide that I saw and my understanding of it everything I did was a good call.  After you find the adenocarcinoma cells you look for them.  On the other hand if that was not my pap test, I am not OK with that for multiple reasons.  If it was mine for sure then I can live in that mystery.   The other though that has crossed my mind is do I still need to be vigilant in watching for any other cancers.  I have told my daughters that for now they don't need to consider it part of their family medical history.  I am also being careful about what my medical records say as regardless of what one thinks about the ACA it will no doubt change drastically and insurance after cancer can be tricky.  Any other thoughts?