Looking for help
Good Morning,
My wife was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma in October of 2013. She went through 17 rounds of extensive chemo then opted for a double mastectomy. After the mastectomy the pathology report came back as being HER2 positive. We then started a year of herceptin treatments. As of today she has 6 more treatments left. Although the outlook is very positive, my wife coannot let go of the fear of recurrence. She cries daily and is often taken to fits of anger and flat out rage.
It has become very difficult for me to know what to do and how to help. There are many innuendos about divorce "I'm a different person now, I don't know if you can handle my expectations." We'll have to see where this goes." I have made every effort to be reassuring and calm, although i have failed at times and we have argued. But now she claims those arguments are what have set her back and she can't accept that it's a positive outlook. I went to every single treatment, Dr visit and procedure with her. She claims she doesn't feel supported, I have maintained my job, the increased insurance premiums, medical bills and have held her hand through it all. How is that not supportive. I have been there emotionally, physically, financially.....Due to her illness and inability to work, we've lost 1,200 dollars a month in income. We are losing our home, Thank God for family, they are helping us through. Our mortgage company doesn't think cancer and loss of 1,200 a month is a hardship.
I don't want to sound selfish, but I am drowning. I have done everything i know of to help her through this very tough time. We are setting her up to see the Psychologist at the Cancer Center, the nutritionist and any other integrative health care we an access. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am tired of being accussed of not being supportive, of being blamed for everything and being told I have to make all these changes if this is gonna work. I'd appreciate any suggestions anyone may have or if they have gone through a similar set of events. Thank You for reading my note.
Comments
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II can't say I know exactly
II can't say I know exactly how you're feeling or what you're going through but I will say.
I can say I do know what it feels like to have a partner push you away especially during all the treatments and what not.
It sucks and it really hurts.
My partner and I are temporarily split up right now as I had to leave after enduring the outbursts toxicity and rage she spews often to which I happen to get the Brunt of
It is hard I must say I've been my partners number one and main support going on two years now. And it's hard.
When we were together I had to tell myself that she's going through breastfeeding cancer chemotherapy Bi lateral mastectomy and she's considered young. So I can't possibly imagine what she went through on a daily basis.
She's in chronic pain every day and I tried to be as understanding as possible.
So the only advice I have is to try not to take it too personal
You're probably the closest person to her and so she feels safe to let go and be angry and vulnerable around you
Keep your head up and know you're not alone in the struggle.
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How much moresage blue sky said:II can't say I know exactly
II can't say I know exactly how you're feeling or what you're going through but I will say.
I can say I do know what it feels like to have a partner push you away especially during all the treatments and what not.
It sucks and it really hurts.
My partner and I are temporarily split up right now as I had to leave after enduring the outbursts toxicity and rage she spews often to which I happen to get the Brunt of
It is hard I must say I've been my partners number one and main support going on two years now. And it's hard.
When we were together I had to tell myself that she's going through breastfeeding cancer chemotherapy Bi lateral mastectomy and she's considered young. So I can't possibly imagine what she went through on a daily basis.
She's in chronic pain every day and I tried to be as understanding as possible.
So the only advice I have is to try not to take it too personal
You're probably the closest person to her and so she feels safe to let go and be angry and vulnerable around you
Keep your head up and know you're not alone in the struggle.
Thank You for your reply. I am trying to keep my head up but it is difficult when you are constantly told you're no good....you were no support and you don't understand. No I don't understand....I don't have cancer but I try to understand. Tonight I said I was at every single appointment, every Dr. appointment, treatment, test....every single one. She said she might as well of just took the couch. That hurt but I'm not allowed to question or show hurt. I just want her to be better.....I am running out of steam!
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unappreciated
I am a caregiver to a husband of 48 years who has metastic lung cancer. I commend you for all you have done to take care of your wife. It really is exhausting to have to take over all of the duties of everyday life in addition to trying to "please" the patient. Although none of us expects appreciation, we don't deserve abuse either. I can understand that you are burned out. I,too, am looking for a balance so that I don't go under along with the patient.
My outlook is to keep my own life as normal as possible during this abnormal time. Hang on to your "boy's night out" or your hobbies so that you don't get absorbed into the patient's life and you then have no life of your own. Get someone to stay with her on a regular basis , if need be, so that you can go out and do the things you enjoy doing. You need to stay fresh in order to survive. If she attacks you for taking care of yourself, understand that she is angry at her disease and possibly angry at you for not being the one - why her? You can't control how she thinks. And things will never be the same in your marriage because of this awful illness.
You are to be commended for not throwing in the towel. But you will need to develop a deaf ear to all the insults. She is not the person she was because of what she is going through. Outside help may be needed to get her to deal with what's happening to her. You are not a psychologist. You are only responsible for getting her the help she needs. It's up to her to accept that help or not.
Please know that you are doing all you can for her, but you have to let go of needing something from her, such as appreciation and love. She isn't capable at this time. Just imagine how you would feel if it were you who is going through cancer, and then accept that she has her struggles which have nothing to do with you.
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ThanksMISS SALLY said:unappreciated
I am a caregiver to a husband of 48 years who has metastic lung cancer. I commend you for all you have done to take care of your wife. It really is exhausting to have to take over all of the duties of everyday life in addition to trying to "please" the patient. Although none of us expects appreciation, we don't deserve abuse either. I can understand that you are burned out. I,too, am looking for a balance so that I don't go under along with the patient.
My outlook is to keep my own life as normal as possible during this abnormal time. Hang on to your "boy's night out" or your hobbies so that you don't get absorbed into the patient's life and you then have no life of your own. Get someone to stay with her on a regular basis , if need be, so that you can go out and do the things you enjoy doing. You need to stay fresh in order to survive. If she attacks you for taking care of yourself, understand that she is angry at her disease and possibly angry at you for not being the one - why her? You can't control how she thinks. And things will never be the same in your marriage because of this awful illness.
You are to be commended for not throwing in the towel. But you will need to develop a deaf ear to all the insults. She is not the person she was because of what she is going through. Outside help may be needed to get her to deal with what's happening to her. You are not a psychologist. You are only responsible for getting her the help she needs. It's up to her to accept that help or not.
Please know that you are doing all you can for her, but you have to let go of needing something from her, such as appreciation and love. She isn't capable at this time. Just imagine how you would feel if it were you who is going through cancer, and then accept that she has her struggles which have nothing to do with you.
Miss Sally,
Thank you for the kind words. I have tried to not look for appreciation or Love. I just don't want the abuse. I can't defend myself, I can't ask questions, I have no "boys night out". I am trying to turn a deaf ear, I have gotten her appointments with the pschologist at the cancer hospital. I have requested and received an appointment with her oncologist tomorrow. I want to rule out any biological causes for behavior changes before we delve too deeply into mental health. I work full time, come home to 3-4 hours of crying and verbal attacks then go to bed, wake up, get ready to do it all over again. When is it okay to say "I Love You, I want you healthy, but I am not your whipping boy."?
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Whipping BoySpTeach said:Thanks
Miss Sally,
Thank you for the kind words. I have tried to not look for appreciation or Love. I just don't want the abuse. I can't defend myself, I can't ask questions, I have no "boys night out". I am trying to turn a deaf ear, I have gotten her appointments with the pschologist at the cancer hospital. I have requested and received an appointment with her oncologist tomorrow. I want to rule out any biological causes for behavior changes before we delve too deeply into mental health. I work full time, come home to 3-4 hours of crying and verbal attacks then go to bed, wake up, get ready to do it all over again. When is it okay to say "I Love You, I want you healthy, but I am not your whipping boy."?
TODAY is the day you should tell her that you are not her whipping boy. Tell her exactly like you told me. Put it in a nice Hallmark card to soften it.
I don't know how you have managed to keep doing that routine day after day. You do need a break from the emotional storm you are faced with every day. If you don't have a boy's night out - you need to get one - or whatever rocks your boat.
You are doing a phenomenol job of trying to help her. If the tables were turned, would she do the same for you? I don't know. Just asking. If the answer is "no" you already have permission to detach yourself.
I'm glad to hear that you have made an appointment with her to see a psychologist. Is she open to that? If so, that is a good thing.
My son is bipolar and when he was going through a terrible patch were he was very abusive, it almost destroyed me. I did everything possible for a human being to help him. The day I was set free was the day he tried to commit suicide (twice in 3 weeks). It brought me to a full stop, because I realized that after all I had done to try to save him, he could still try to end his life. He was in control of that. I came to the conclusion that if he was determined and had no regard for his life, then he certainly didn't care what happens to me. It was then and there that I realized it was not in my hands. He was an adult and he would make his own decisions. I suddenly felt relieved that I was not responsible for his behavior. And I suddenly understood the concept of "Detachment". It means that you can love someone and still detach yourself from their actions. Don't own her actions.
No one can predict what the future holds. We feel such an strong sense of responsibility to try to protect our loved ones, but there are so many possibilites of danger that we would have mental breakdowns trying to prevent all of them. And when you are dealing with adults, you really don't have any control over how they will act. You can only control how YOU act.
So, I repeat - tell her you will not accept her abuse any longer and let her deal with that. She is an adult. Yes, she is going through something serious, but she does not have the right to abuse you just because she is sick. There is nothing in your marriage vows that states "I love you so much that I will accept abuse from you."
Have a backup plan for when she becomes abusive. And when she does that, tell her that you will come back when she is feeling better and then leave. Let her find out that she will lose your company if she is mean to you. Set up some place in advance so that you have a place to go. A relative, a friend, a preacher, a bowling alley. If another room in the house works or the basement or garage, use it. Think of it as your life boat. And above all don't feel GUILTY. Put your feelings on hold. Repeat as needed.
I hope this helps. It's so easy to give advice when you're not the one going through it.
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ThanksMISS SALLY said:Whipping Boy
TODAY is the day you should tell her that you are not her whipping boy. Tell her exactly like you told me. Put it in a nice Hallmark card to soften it.
I don't know how you have managed to keep doing that routine day after day. You do need a break from the emotional storm you are faced with every day. If you don't have a boy's night out - you need to get one - or whatever rocks your boat.
You are doing a phenomenol job of trying to help her. If the tables were turned, would she do the same for you? I don't know. Just asking. If the answer is "no" you already have permission to detach yourself.
I'm glad to hear that you have made an appointment with her to see a psychologist. Is she open to that? If so, that is a good thing.
My son is bipolar and when he was going through a terrible patch were he was very abusive, it almost destroyed me. I did everything possible for a human being to help him. The day I was set free was the day he tried to commit suicide (twice in 3 weeks). It brought me to a full stop, because I realized that after all I had done to try to save him, he could still try to end his life. He was in control of that. I came to the conclusion that if he was determined and had no regard for his life, then he certainly didn't care what happens to me. It was then and there that I realized it was not in my hands. He was an adult and he would make his own decisions. I suddenly felt relieved that I was not responsible for his behavior. And I suddenly understood the concept of "Detachment". It means that you can love someone and still detach yourself from their actions. Don't own her actions.
No one can predict what the future holds. We feel such an strong sense of responsibility to try to protect our loved ones, but there are so many possibilites of danger that we would have mental breakdowns trying to prevent all of them. And when you are dealing with adults, you really don't have any control over how they will act. You can only control how YOU act.
So, I repeat - tell her you will not accept her abuse any longer and let her deal with that. She is an adult. Yes, she is going through something serious, but she does not have the right to abuse you just because she is sick. There is nothing in your marriage vows that states "I love you so much that I will accept abuse from you."
Have a backup plan for when she becomes abusive. And when she does that, tell her that you will come back when she is feeling better and then leave. Let her find out that she will lose your company if she is mean to you. Set up some place in advance so that you have a place to go. A relative, a friend, a preacher, a bowling alley. If another room in the house works or the basement or garage, use it. Think of it as your life boat. And above all don't feel GUILTY. Put your feelings on hold. Repeat as needed.
I hope this helps. It's so easy to give advice when you're not the one going through it.
Thank you to listening to my complaints and whines. It is nice to be able to see someone elses perspective. I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with your son. I can only imagine the heart ache that comes with that. You are a strong woman who has been to hell and back. i admire and respect you and your struggle. Please know God loves us and will eventually show us why we have been given this burden. If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it!! I truly believe that, and am holding on to that promise. It helps keep me sane. you are in my prayers!
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appreciate all the comments but
I can't help wondering how much the now seriously impacted hormones your wife has are playing a role in her emotions. Have you spoken to a professional about this? Surely she us on, at the least, an anti-depressant and perhaps it needs to be adjusted or changed.
Also, please consider whether your wife had a difficult personality before the cancer. Illness often magnifies what our natural personality is.
Finally, it could be true your wife's feelings have changed about you, or, more probably about herself following her surgery.
It all takes time to sort out.
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HiNoellesmom said:appreciate all the comments but
I can't help wondering how much the now seriously impacted hormones your wife has are playing a role in her emotions. Have you spoken to a professional about this? Surely she us on, at the least, an anti-depressant and perhaps it needs to be adjusted or changed.
Also, please consider whether your wife had a difficult personality before the cancer. Illness often magnifies what our natural personality is.
Finally, it could be true your wife's feelings have changed about you, or, more probably about herself following her surgery.
It all takes time to sort out.
Yes, she is seeing a professional regarding efery aspect of care. Cancer, hormonal, emotional......, Her personality prior to the cancer was not one of anger and bitterness. If her feelings have changed then i am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Her well being is my main priority.
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nope
Sorry, but you could be living with this a long time. Both of you deserve to be happy.
Let me remind you we are all responsible for our own happiness and that includes your wife. It does no one any good if you throw yourself on the fire and let it consume you.
Your life is a new normal now and you'll each have to find your own way. For some it works out they can travel itogether but for others it does not.
Do not be a martyr.
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My world was recently turned
My world was recently turned upside down as well! My wife of 6 years (together for 9), just spent the last 19 months dealing with her breast cancer. She too was diagnosed at the age of 27! She went through chemo, with me there all but one time (Her mother wanted to go and see what was needed if i was unavailable). After chemo was a bi-lateral mastectomy, one of her expanders became infected, months of medication, followed by the removal of the expander. During that time she was receiving radiation. Months later, the expander was placed back in, more recovery and then reconstruction. During that time I was there for her through it all!!!
April 6th she sends me a series of texts wanting to return to school, feeling that she hasn't accomplished much in life. (We have a 5yo, as well as 11yo and 13yo from my previous marriage). I explain that when she decided on a major, we would move forward. I then asked her if her sadness was due to me, to which she replied, "No, I love you to the moon and back".
April 9th she woke me early in the morning to tell me she needed space and time to think and that she was going to stay at her parents.
Today she told me, "I will always love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore". "I'm too young for such responsibilty". She also told her best friend, "Life's too short to be unhappy".
I am completely devasted and just broken as of now. She's my best friend! We've been through hell and back, me NEVER leaving her side! And now this!
Buddy, I feel for you on your issues! However, I REFUSE to give up! Not unless some other man is selected to take my place, I will not give up! She's right, life is too short! And I can't live it without her!
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Say it again/////This siteSean_030306 said:My world was recently turned
My world was recently turned upside down as well! My wife of 6 years (together for 9), just spent the last 19 months dealing with her breast cancer. She too was diagnosed at the age of 27! She went through chemo, with me there all but one time (Her mother wanted to go and see what was needed if i was unavailable). After chemo was a bi-lateral mastectomy, one of her expanders became infected, months of medication, followed by the removal of the expander. During that time she was receiving radiation. Months later, the expander was placed back in, more recovery and then reconstruction. During that time I was there for her through it all!!!
April 6th she sends me a series of texts wanting to return to school, feeling that she hasn't accomplished much in life. (We have a 5yo, as well as 11yo and 13yo from my previous marriage). I explain that when she decided on a major, we would move forward. I then asked her if her sadness was due to me, to which she replied, "No, I love you to the moon and back".
April 9th she woke me early in the morning to tell me she needed space and time to think and that she was going to stay at her parents.
Today she told me, "I will always love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore". "I'm too young for such responsibilty". She also told her best friend, "Life's too short to be unhappy".
I am completely devasted and just broken as of now. She's my best friend! We've been through hell and back, me NEVER leaving her side! And now this!
Buddy, I feel for you on your issues! However, I REFUSE to give up! Not unless some other man is selected to take my place, I will not give up! She's right, life is too short! And I can't live it without her!
Say it again/////This site stinks for support!
Where's the answers and suggestions???
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I knowSean_030306 said:Say it again/////This site
Say it again/////This site stinks for support!
Where's the answers and suggestions???
I sure didn't get the response I had hoped for. I still feel like I'm hanging out here alone. Some comments were a tad harsh, but what can I do. I wish you all the best, too bad there aren't local chapters for caregivers to get together and chat, support and scream if need be.
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Agreed! I came to this site
Agreed! I came to this site for help! At the end of my rope and didn't find many trying to assist. It's a shame, so much in common and yet so little assisatance. Good luck SP, I've decided on filing for divorce. Damage done is way past my ability to "fix".
Best of luck buddy! I recently read, "Cancer has you, you don't have cancer". I wish that were true for my wife
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I'm confusedSean_030306 said:Agreed! I came to this site
Agreed! I came to this site for help! At the end of my rope and didn't find many trying to assist. It's a shame, so much in common and yet so little assisatance. Good luck SP, I've decided on filing for divorce. Damage done is way past my ability to "fix".
Best of luck buddy! I recently read, "Cancer has you, you don't have cancer". I wish that were true for my wife
I believe the two of you found each other on this site and you share commonalities. That's the whole point of this site.
And Miss Sally and I were pretty blunt by telling you it is important you draw the line on the abuse.
Not sure what you came looking for but this site can provide a great deal of insight if you follow some of the threads.
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SorryNoellesmom said:I'm confused
I believe the two of you found each other on this site and you share commonalities. That's the whole point of this site.
And Miss Sally and I were pretty blunt by telling you it is important you draw the line on the abuse.
Not sure what you came looking for but this site can provide a great deal of insight if you follow some of the threads.
I'm sorry if I ruffled your feathers Noellesmom. I thought this was a safe place to vent and be heard. There was no bad intentions. Just trying to get through a very difficult time. I do appreciate you taking the time to read and answer some of my posts. Thank You.
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understandSpTeach said:Sorry
I'm sorry if I ruffled your feathers Noellesmom. I thought this was a safe place to vent and be heard. There was no bad intentions. Just trying to get through a very difficult time. I do appreciate you taking the time to read and answer some of my posts. Thank You.
This site is not as active as it once was. I'm hoping you can do a search on the type of difficulties you are experiencing. You are walking a difficult road but someone will consider you the experienced one very shortly and you'll be helping them.
In the meantime, take care of yourself.
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?
spTeach: I was reading this whole forum and did not find any user who were insulting to your post. So I am not sure what you were refering to. Anyway, yes, this website I noticed, mainly about the people in treatment, very little is of caregivers. I did join this site for the same reason, I was sort of a caregiver (as much as a 11 year old can be a caregiver- but I had no others to help at the time when my Mom was sick with cancer). I did not really find the "niche" I was looking for here either...but yet, just simply reading through some topics I came to some understanding and maybe even acceptance of my situation back then. You may not get the answer you want to hear, and maybe very few people reply (or no one) but that doesn't mean you don't get support. Reading through other peple's experience either as a caregiver in the "breast cancer" thread, or a patient, you do learn a lot. Please, don't give up, and read maybe into the "breast cancer" thread since sounds like that is the type of cancer your wife is dealing with. I wish you srength, and hope that your wife will eventually realize how great man you are because reading how much you put into taking care of her, I do belive you are more than a great man! And for that, I admire you! With that, I am closing my lines.
May God bless you!
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Thank you for your kindsharpy102 said:?
spTeach: I was reading this whole forum and did not find any user who were insulting to your post. So I am not sure what you were refering to. Anyway, yes, this website I noticed, mainly about the people in treatment, very little is of caregivers. I did join this site for the same reason, I was sort of a caregiver (as much as a 11 year old can be a caregiver- but I had no others to help at the time when my Mom was sick with cancer). I did not really find the "niche" I was looking for here either...but yet, just simply reading through some topics I came to some understanding and maybe even acceptance of my situation back then. You may not get the answer you want to hear, and maybe very few people reply (or no one) but that doesn't mean you don't get support. Reading through other peple's experience either as a caregiver in the "breast cancer" thread, or a patient, you do learn a lot. Please, don't give up, and read maybe into the "breast cancer" thread since sounds like that is the type of cancer your wife is dealing with. I wish you srength, and hope that your wife will eventually realize how great man you are because reading how much you put into taking care of her, I do belive you are more than a great man! And for that, I admire you! With that, I am closing my lines.
May God bless you!
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate the time you have taken to read and respond to my posts!! have a blessed day!
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